Tuesday, February 26, 2013

How to get a date in a virgin state.


I have been single for about a year again now. Mostly I am very content with that. I need some time to sort things out for myself. Acting according to your true gender identity while you couldn't for a long time has effect on pretty much every aspect of your life. So you need a little you time. But, I do miss sex, even though it is a bit confusing right now.


People tell me I am (becoming) a pretty boy and they are sure I will find someone really soon. That's all great but also all theory, from them. Reality is different. When it comes to dating and having sex as a boy, or, hopefully, as a man even, I have zero experience. I am clueless. In a way you could say I am back to square one: a virgin. This may sound like an exaggeration but it doesn't make it any less true in my experience. When you talk to girls, or boys, as a girl, trying to get a date with them or anything like that, it's completely different from when doing that as a boy. There are different rules, different expectations. The things I used to do as a girl that would work just fine are now suddenly a no go. And I am clueless. And you'd think that I would know what a girl would like a guy to do when coming on to her, right? Well, there's the problem. I tried to pretend to be a girl, but I wasn't. So I have no clue what a girl would like to hear. I'm a guy, remember. I want a yes to mean yes and a no to mean no. I don't like playing games or beating around the bush. I don't chase. They say that when it comes to gay guys it's all very simple. They're very straight forward when it comes to courtship. But I'm not sure about that in my case. I mean, I don't have a penis but I do have boobs, and that kind of complicates things, doesn't it? If I was a gay guy, I would think twice about taking home a pre-treatment transsexual. After all, if girls don't turn you on and you are confronted with a female body, things could get complicated. So what does that leave me? Should I start screening for bisexuals instead of for just people that I like in general?


Say I actually do manage to take someone home. Sounds great. Then what? I still don't have a penis. A strap on could fix that problem. Still not a real penis so you always treat it differently. Plus, what if that person is actually attracted to vagina's? Am I comfortable with that? How does this all work?! I guess it would depend on who I am with, what they like and how comfortable I feel about that person doing certain things. There are so many options! And I really don't know what I would want and what not. I'm pretty conflicted about how I feel about my downstairs area at the moment. I've never had that before because I never questioned it before. What I had was what I had and that's what I used. But now what I have is not what I should have, so am I still comfortable using it? How much do I miss what I'm missing now that I am aware of the fact that I'm missing it? There is only one way to find out. By having sex. And I would really like to know. I am so curious about all this. But right now it seems like there is no way to find out because, I don't have a freaking pick up line. Help me out here people. How the hell does someone like me, in this state, get a date?


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Friday, February 22, 2013

PMS tricked me again.

Last weekend I was all wired up about the photo shoot. The blog I wrote about it still stands but, I have since then come to the conclusion I was suffering from PMS at the time which always blows everything out of proportion. So the issues I was struggling with are issues I still struggle with, but they probably wouldn't have cracked me up like that if it hadn't been for those blasted hormones. I started spotting yesterday and my brain went AHA! There is the perpetrator! I've always had this hate/hate thing with my uterus. I've never liked her and she never liked me. I still find it amazing how women deal with it. The hormonal moods, the mess downstairs, the pain. I know I should get my coil checked because sometimes I can feel it poking me which you shouldn't. But I can't be bothered and I can deal with the pain. I've been in pain a lot worse then this before. If all goes well I will have the whole thing taken out one day. I'm hoping summer of 2014. And then I'll be a boy. Or maybe even a man.


It's amazing how aware I am these days of which things are purely hormonal and not really me. I notice myself giving certain emotional responses to things and I know that that's not really me reacting like that. It's my hormones doing funky things. Making me freak out or going mushy while a big chunk of me doesn't really feel that way and doesn't understand the physical reaction. I heard someone say that once you start on testosterone your mood changes, becomes more stable. But your humor tends to change a bit as well, becomes more crude. Like you tend to laugh quicker at coarse things like seeing someone fall. It appears this is also more a physical reaction then a truly emotional one. I wonder how many people are aware of what they really feel, emotionally, instead of just hormonally. It's a strange thing to be aware of it and it's not always easy. I didn't realize I was having PMS when it was happening. It wasn't until I started spotting that I drew the logical conclusion as to why I had been over emotional for several days. I heard that men have a hormonal cycle as well but they move with the sun instead of the moon. I wonder if I will notice any of that, getting testosterone from an external source instead of producing it myself. And if it's true in the first place. My sleeping pattern does follow the sun more then the moon and some people say that's a typical male thing to do. I have no idea if that is true but it sounds cool.


Emotions are a strange thing. They are not always easy to deal with. A friend of mine told me the only emotion she has is fear. I find that impossible to believe. Everyone has not just fear but also joy, sadness, anger, and shame as part of the 5 basic emotions. Where do they come from? What purpose do they have? And are they human or not? In the end I guess it does all come down to glands. I think more mammals have these emotions in some form or another. I think they are responses to external factors to ensure their survival. Without emotions they would be in serious trouble.

But that's the hormonal part. Humans can think. Most important they can self reflect. And that's where emotions become a different color. We can actively suppress our emotions. We can think about them and judge them. We can decide a certain emotional response is improper and unwanted and we can attempt to train ourselves in a way to make a different emotional response. We can also decide we want more of a certain emotion because it feels comfortable, and that doesn't always need to be joy. As long as you are used to something, if feels comfortable. For a long time I thought that I would lose my identity if I was no longer depressed because I was so used to feeling like that and I could not imagine living without it. When you know what to expect, you feel safe and safety is what we all strive for. So we hold on to our emotions. It's a strange thing. It does seem like emotions rule our lives but we have the ability to guide them, a bit, if we choose to. We can influence our emotions with our behavior and the hormonal response that creates, with our thinking and the way the brain responds by producing or not producing hormones, and with what we put into our bodies and controlling what kind of hormones our bodies can make or will be tempted to make because of the building blocks it has or hasn't got. So that's what we've got. We've got hormones dictating how we feel and our attempts to adjust those hormones in a way that we find comfortable. This goes for everyone. I guess the main reason why I'm thinking about this right now is because my hormonal state and therefor emotional state, is too far from my own comfort zone to be acceptable. And the fact that I am aware that my current state is incongruent with the state I desire because of a hormonal shift. It's amazing what I come across during this journey of transition. Today I'll just count this as a blessing.

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Sunday, February 17, 2013

Strike a pose.

I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.


I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.


So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!


In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.

I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.


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Friday, February 15, 2013

Another one bites the dust. (suicide)

Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.


I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.


About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.


"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth

I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.


The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.


This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.


If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?


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Monday, February 11, 2013

Just a suggestion: deadlifts.

As a group fitness instructor I see a lot of people doing the same thing at the same time. That way you really notice the little differences, little variations people create to make things easier or because they don't fully understand what they should be doing and which muscles they should be using. There are things that I see happen over and over again so I decided to hand you a little tip, a suggestion if you will. Just one at a time so next time you're in your workout you don't have to think of a million things at the same time and can't get a single one right because it's too much.

Today my suggestion is on deadlifts. Keep your shoulder blades together. As you have an orange squeezed between them and don't want to lose it. Even when you tilt all the way forward, don't lose your orange! What happens if you drop your orange? You lose tension in your upper back and all the weight will be hanging from your shoulders, pulling at your joints. If you hold on to your orange your muscles will actively carry the weight and.... get stronger. Another thing that tends to happen if you drop your orange is something in your lower back. Your upper back and lower back are connected and if you change something in one place, the other will respond. Dropping your orange and letting your shoulders come forward often makes your lower back become round and in turn you will actually stretch those muscles instead of making them stronger. And of course your butt is connected to your lower back and your hamstrings are connected to your butt and there you have it. No result anywhere just because you dropped your orange. Isn't that a shame? So, next time you do your deadlifts, think of oranges.
 
 
 
 
 
 
If you have any other suggestions, post them in the comments below so other people can read them as well. Thank you.
 
 
 

Friday, February 8, 2013

Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.

Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?


I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.


There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.


A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.


But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?


One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.


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Saturday, February 2, 2013

GenderFreeZone 6th edition.

Last night the sixth edition of the GenderFreeZone took place at the COC Leiden. (If you want to know more about the COC and what I'm doing there, check this blog: It's official. ) It was the first one that took place under my supervision and I am proud to tell you it was a great success. We had asked someone to do a workshop on self-confidence and assertiveness. Rusz had done a workshop at the GFZ before but that was before my time. I had heard people really liked it so we had decided to invite her again. It turned out to be a good idea indeed. We had about a dozen people coming in which was a nice crowd. There was enough time for everyone to tell their stories and get some personal attention from Rusz. Actually the workshop ended about half an hour late because everyone was enjoying it so much. It felt like we could have continued talking for the rest of the night.


One of the things we all noticed was how much we all have in common. We had people in who were still exploring and were unsure of where they wanted to go, all the way up to people who had completed their transition from one gender to the other and pretty much everything in between. But we all had felt the isolation, the alienation, the struggles, the search, the long road of finding yourself. And we had all felt like freaks at some point and probably sometimes still do. But not that night. We were among equals, even though they were strangers mostly, and we knew we were safe. I was truly amazed at how open and forthcoming everyone was, how positive  and supportive towards each other. You could sense people feeling stronger and stronger during the evening. It made me feel all warm inside, knowing I had helped to make that possible. I really can't wait until the next GFZ evening.


At the end of the evening I handed out feedback forms. I had only printed out 10 because I hadn't expected more people. I got back 8 so that's a pretty good score. The general consensus was that they were all very content and had enjoyed the evening. And also, that they wanted more. Once every 3 months doesn't cut it for them. I already knew that but having it in writing means I can go to the chief and tell him I need more time. I'm seeing him next week on a different matter but I can bring it up and see what happens. It would be great if we could get a GFZ café every month or even every 2 weeks or so. Which reminds me, I need to ask about the dates for the movies that will be playing. There should be a couple with a T theme in there so us T people can get together then too. All in all, there is work to be done and I am 100% confident that it will pay off. Let's get crackin'!


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