This is harder then I thought.

This is harder then I thought. I figured I'm fit and healthy and have everything pretty much sorted out. This whole transition thing should be a walk in the park. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Physically things really are a lot harder then I had expected. The fluctuations in my hormones the last 5 months have taken their toll and my reserves are pretty much gone. At some point, something has got to give. I have been dog tired for about a month now and I can't wait to make it through a day without falling asleep on the sofa. My strength, recovery speed and energy are all at an amazing low. My body constantly aches and I feel ill. Sure, I'm getting hairy, but that's about it right now. I do yoga every day which helps a bit. And I try to go to a BodyPump class 3 times a week but it's frustrating as hell. I have cut most of my weights in half and I still barely make it through the hour. By the time we get to track 8 I feel like throwing up. Doing nothing would drive me insane though. Hopefully things will slowly get better every time. Patience is a virtue.

I know I had already decided to quit teaching at the gym before my body flipped me the bird but being forced like this is very frustrating. It means I didn't get the change to say goodbye and close the chapter properly. Now it's still lingering in the back of my head. I'm finding it harder to let this go then I had expected. But maybe it's because right now I have to let go of a lot of things. Last weekend the Trans*-café had organized a clothing exchange. A lot of trans people find the need to change a huge chunk of their wardrobe all at once at some point so we figured this might help. I took 2 garbage bags full and came home with 2 shirts. I think that's a pretty good trade as I'm not 100% sure how I want to dress anyway. I just know how I don't want to dress; in a dress. As I was dragging those bags to the bar this feeling of emptiness came over me. I was closing a chapter, letting go, saying goodbye to a part of me that I wouldn't be getting back. And sure, I don't want it back. It was part of a mask that I wore for a long time. But it was also part of me. That's what happens when you wear a mask for so long. You get used to it and it becomes part of your identity. And now I'm having to let that part go. I'm not sure what I am getting in return. I thought I had figured myself out but I hadn't. I just figured out what I didn't want. Now I have to figure out what I do want. Saying I want to paint is great but that's not every day life. That's not what stares back at me in the mirror every day. That's not what fixes lunch, or walks through town, or talks to my friends. It's much more basic. It's the little things, and the little things are a lot harder then the big things.

Right now I'm not sure how to figure out those little things. It's not like you can sit down and think about it until you have found an answer. These things happen gradually. So I am trying to make space for them to happen. I'm doing this by quiting teaching at the gym and taking a brake at the COC but also by cleaning out my house. I'm not much of a materialistic person to begin with but I'm still going through my closets and bookshelves to see what I want to keep and what can go. I feel your house should reflex who you are so I am stripping away those bits that don't fit me. Slowly, but surely. Then I'll just wait and see what happens, what fills the gaps. I wish I could move to a different place so I can start over but that's not an option right now. I'll just have to make due with what I have, just like with my body. The most important changes happen inside my head anyway.

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