Two weeks and counting.

Fourteen days and one night until my surgery. That doesn't sound very long does it? When I called the hospital to ask when I could get my surgery they told me 4 to 6 weeks after the surgeons have seen you. In my case it turned out to be 11 weeks and it took a lot longer to see my surgeons that I had hoped as well. You are allowed to have surgery one year after you have been given permission to start hormone treatment. Waiting your turn for the screening and the actual screening take quite some time as well. In total it has been 2 and a half years since I came to the conclusion that this was something I had to do. Two and a half years. That's a long time. So what's an extra three months? What's two more weeks? It's a lot I tell you. A lot.

I know I come across as very level headed. Everyone thinks I'm a stable, independent, resilient, strong person who can handle things very well on his own. And they're right, usually I can. But it has been two and a half years of my life constantly revolving around my transition. Me jumping through hoops and sitting on my hands while waiting for others to make major decisions over my life. To say it has been stressful would be an understatement. And I am done. I am tired of it all. I need this to be over. After this I still have to change my passport and of course the VUmc has designed a few more hoops to jump through before I can do that. I can see if I can arrange it some other way once I've had my surgery but that would be more hoops still. I'm not sure which would be easier. I'm tempted to give in and pay the VUmc the 65 euro's simply because I don't have any fight left in me, even though I should have the right to change my passport without their expert statement after my surgery.

I am a strong person. I'm an adult. My transition has been relatively easy. The only people who objected to my transition are people who are not really part of my life any more anyway. Until recently I didn't have any real trouble with the hospital or insurance company (delays don't count, they are normal). And still, I am at the end of my rope. I am done. I am out of energy. I am so tired I feel like banging my head into the wall. I can't sleep, I'm too restless. I can't eat, I'm too stressed. I can't work, I can't focus. Even breathing takes effort. I need this to be over. But there is nothing I can do. 14 days, 12 hours and 17 minutes. I'm counting.

It's a GO! I have green light!

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam, to an independent psychiatrist, to get my second opinion on my gender dysphoria. It was a really nice guy and kind of a funny fellow. He told me he was going to play devil's advocate and asked me some questions that I usually find annoying. But I knew he had to ask them to check how I felt about them. Like: are you sure you're not just a lesbian? And, of course, do you want a penis? Stuff like that. He had looked at my file and seemed to have made up his mind before he even saw me. He told me he was really just trying to find something to fill the 45 minutes with. He failed. I was out the door again in half an hour. It was so clear to him I'm trans, he didn't feel the need to waste any more time on it. He told me he would send the papers to Woerden and they would have to send him a letter back that he would have to sign and then I would get my referral. He'll be on holiday until the 10th though so that's going to take a while. But it's just two weeks or so, so that's not too bad. And knowing it's coming helps a lot.


So after one year and three months I finally have the coveted green light. That's what they call it when you officially have permission to start your physical change to your true gender. A year and three months plus all the years of struggle to acknowledge the issue of course. It has been a long, hard road. To be honest I'm a bit surprised at how quick everything is happening now that I have made my decision to be true to myself. I'm still on the waiting list for the screening at the hospital in Amsterdam, which is the primary location for gender reassignment. I'm really glad I found the Psycho Informa Groep and was able to get through my screening so fast. I just checked and at the local hospital the waiting list for hormone treatment is about 5 weeks. Last time I checked it was still 8 weeks. I really hope it won't have gone up again by the time I get my referral. One thing is for sure. I should be able to start hormone treatment before my birthday this summer. And then it's really happening.


It's strange. I have been looking forward to getting my green light for a long time. It's been on my mind a lot. I thought I was prepared. But it's just like getting a baby. You know it's coming for months and months but when it really happens, it still takes you by surprise. So right now I'm feeling a bit odd. This is really happening. Soon I will start sprouting hair on my chin and my voice will change. I will become more myself. Part of me can't wait. Part of me is nervous.


For over 30 years I tried to be a good girl and meet the expectations that fitted that gender. Because of that I could not be myself. I couldn't do the things I really wanted to do. And now I will be me and I will have no more excuses. I will have to be me and truly me because else all of this will be pointless. I owe it to myself to be true. So here come the big questions. Now I can't hide behind my skirts anymore, what do I want to do with my life? I'm not really sure. I think I have some ideas but if you'd ask me what I want my life to look like in 5 years, I have no clue. In one year, I know that. I want to be getting ready for surgery. But that's just one small aspect of my life. What about the rest? Because it took me so long to start living my own life I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. I have to make the time I have left, really count. I want to do something special with it. I am being reborn and am getting a second chance. I can't just throw that away. But what should I do?


I know I still have a long way to go before I'm done with my transition. I still have to go through the awkward phase where I have boobs and a beard (so not looking forward to that). And right now I should celebrate to have reached this mile stone. But I know that this is just the beginning. And I can't wait to get started. my hands are itching.


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