So what happens next?

It’s been a while since I posted my last blog. People have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Or more precise: what’s the next project? How about finishing my transition first? I have been forgetting that actually takes a lot of time and mental space as well. Now I do have time to think about these things a lot has been happening inside my head. Surgery is starting to get real as well. This week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get the last signature for my referral letter. Three weeks after that I am seeing my surgeons to discuss the options and my wants and needs. After that there is a waiting list of 4 to 6 weeks. So after 10 weeks at the most I will have had my surgery. The way time has flown by the past few months it feels like it could be tomorrow almost. I’m starting to get nervous in a way you do just before you go on a holiday. I’m trying not to expect too much. Someone asked me how I think I will look after the surgery. I have no idea. I don’t think about it because I can’t know until about a year after the surgery and I have completely healed and my hormones have settled etc. All I can do now is hope for the best and see what happens. It’s weird to be thinking about things like nipples. Most people take them for granted. They’re just there. But now I have to decide if I want my surgeon to do something with them or not. I’m not 100% sure yet. I’ll wait and see what she says. She’s the expert in the end. I don’t feel the need to have them reduced right now but they look quite different on my chest the way things are anyway so it’s hard to tell.

I have decided to have the hysterectomy. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. There are several reasons for this:

I don’t plan on having kids anyway so I don’t need a uterus.

Hormone treatment increases cancer risks and I don’t really feel like getting cancer.

And, last but not least, the estrogen I’m still producing is counterproductive.

People seem to think that more testosterone means less estrogen and yes, if all is well your ovaries become less active. Not always though. People have been calling me miss again lately in stores. I noticed my body and face had been changing again the wrong way around. I used a bit of extra testosterone for about a week and now seem to be back on track again. In the meantime the extra hair did expand. My voice is also still slowly changing. So the testosterone is doing its work. But when the fat distribution makes my face look more feminine people still misgender me. It’s rather frustrating and I really can't wait to get rid of the estrogens so I can really start looking like myself. I’m getting closer but I know I’m still not there.

Another thing that happens is that people think I’m much younger then I am. I’m 35 and I usually don’t mind if people think I’m a bit younger but when someone thinks I’m 17 I really don’t know how to respond. This really happened two days ago. I’m still amazed. And of course this happens right at the moment when I start to be okay with being an adult. I know that sounds silly but that happens to all of us. We all feel like we are going to be young forever and then, one day, we wake up and we find we are supposed to be adults. We don’t know how that happens, but it does. Just like that. When you’re young you think it’s something that happens to other people and that they will know how to deal with it when the time comes. But I’m guessing there are quite a few people who don’t. Or at least, at first. I guess it’s about attitude, how you deal with things. I think I have grown quite a bit lately in that aspect. Even though I don’t have some sort of job anymore I feel more in control of my life. I finally have time to paint again and I have started to write a book. It feels great to be able to make my own schedule and do things at my own pace. I keep forgetting I don’t work well with deadlines and a packed calendar. I need space to breathe. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking responsibility for my own life. If that isn’t a grown up thing to do, I don’t know what is. 

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He called me sir.

Yesterday I went to the market. I usually go there every Saturday to buy fish, olives and vegetables. When I was buying fish the guy working there looked at me and said: can I help you, sir? Now this isn't something completely new. People have been 'mistaking' me for a man for years. But now it's much more important to me. I have been on hormones for 2 weeks now and I felt not much had changed. I figured it's mostly my own attitude, the way I carry my body that convinces people of my true gender identity. So when that salesman called me sir, after a brief moment of joy, I realized I had to open my mouth and speak and he would 'correct' himself. But I had no choice but to speak and so I did and placed my order. Then the most amazing thing happened though. When he gave me back my change he said: there you go, sir, have a nice day. What the hell just happened? 

That evening I went to watch Game of Thrones with some friends and one of them told me she did hear a difference in my voice. The color is changing. I feel more vibration in my chest. Before I had to put much more effort into it and now it's becoming more natural. Things really are changing. 

Mostly it's little things, like the subtle hum in my voice. Some male colleagues at one of the gyms where I teach told me my arms were clearly getting bigger. I don't see it and I'm pretty sure they're just wanting to see it but it's nice of them to say anyway. I'm having pains in my ovaries as they are battling the testosterone taking over down there and they are losing. I have more strength. It's pretty clear during the BodyPump. This morning I felt like I was cheating with my weights during some of the tracks even though I wasn't. But no beard yet. No changed in hair growth at all. Not yet anyway. But I am hungry. That's the most noticeable thing right now. I feel like I am starving all the time. It's actually really annoying. I'm the kind of person that eats really healthy and for me that means no grains. I eat pretty low carb in general. This makes it a lot more difficult to just grab a little extra. I can't just add another slice of bread or something like that. Hopefully sticking to healthy foods with lots of protein and healthy fats will help building more muscle and increase the burning of fat because my body knows there is a continuous supply of the stuff and there is no need to store it. I will get measured again early July and see what has happened so far. I'm expecting not much but I'm just too curious not to sneak a peek. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is a shift in what feels comfortable. Before I started hormones I would still wear a regular sports bra that mostly preserves the shape, quite a lot of the time. Then a friend of mine suggested the sports tops they sell at H&M. They flatten your chest rather well. If I wear a wide shirt you can hardly see any bosom at all. And with my muscular arms people tend to think my chest if just muscle as well. I have two of those. Yesterday they were both in the laundry and the weather is really sweaty so I didn't want to have to wear my real binder which is much tighter and doesn't breath as well. So I put on a normal sports bra. And I went nuts. I just couldn't do it anymore. It felt so wrong. I hadn't had that like this before. Not as intense. So in the end, when I had to leave the house, I just put on a H&M top that was not completely dry yet. I didn't care. I'd rather walk around in wet clothes that do suit me then something that isn't who I am that is dry and clean. I had not expected this to happen so soon. It's quite fascinating to see all these things happen and not even really having a choice in them. You know what's going to happen, you just don't know when and in what shape. I ordered some more tops online and hopefully they will arrive tomorrow or the day after. I guess I can throw out all those old bras now. I'm not going to wear them anymore anyway. It will feel good to get rid of them. I'm moving on.

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It's a GO! I have green light!

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam, to an independent psychiatrist, to get my second opinion on my gender dysphoria. It was a really nice guy and kind of a funny fellow. He told me he was going to play devil's advocate and asked me some questions that I usually find annoying. But I knew he had to ask them to check how I felt about them. Like: are you sure you're not just a lesbian? And, of course, do you want a penis? Stuff like that. He had looked at my file and seemed to have made up his mind before he even saw me. He told me he was really just trying to find something to fill the 45 minutes with. He failed. I was out the door again in half an hour. It was so clear to him I'm trans, he didn't feel the need to waste any more time on it. He told me he would send the papers to Woerden and they would have to send him a letter back that he would have to sign and then I would get my referral. He'll be on holiday until the 10th though so that's going to take a while. But it's just two weeks or so, so that's not too bad. And knowing it's coming helps a lot.


So after one year and three months I finally have the coveted green light. That's what they call it when you officially have permission to start your physical change to your true gender. A year and three months plus all the years of struggle to acknowledge the issue of course. It has been a long, hard road. To be honest I'm a bit surprised at how quick everything is happening now that I have made my decision to be true to myself. I'm still on the waiting list for the screening at the hospital in Amsterdam, which is the primary location for gender reassignment. I'm really glad I found the Psycho Informa Groep and was able to get through my screening so fast. I just checked and at the local hospital the waiting list for hormone treatment is about 5 weeks. Last time I checked it was still 8 weeks. I really hope it won't have gone up again by the time I get my referral. One thing is for sure. I should be able to start hormone treatment before my birthday this summer. And then it's really happening.


It's strange. I have been looking forward to getting my green light for a long time. It's been on my mind a lot. I thought I was prepared. But it's just like getting a baby. You know it's coming for months and months but when it really happens, it still takes you by surprise. So right now I'm feeling a bit odd. This is really happening. Soon I will start sprouting hair on my chin and my voice will change. I will become more myself. Part of me can't wait. Part of me is nervous.


For over 30 years I tried to be a good girl and meet the expectations that fitted that gender. Because of that I could not be myself. I couldn't do the things I really wanted to do. And now I will be me and I will have no more excuses. I will have to be me and truly me because else all of this will be pointless. I owe it to myself to be true. So here come the big questions. Now I can't hide behind my skirts anymore, what do I want to do with my life? I'm not really sure. I think I have some ideas but if you'd ask me what I want my life to look like in 5 years, I have no clue. In one year, I know that. I want to be getting ready for surgery. But that's just one small aspect of my life. What about the rest? Because it took me so long to start living my own life I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. I have to make the time I have left, really count. I want to do something special with it. I am being reborn and am getting a second chance. I can't just throw that away. But what should I do?


I know I still have a long way to go before I'm done with my transition. I still have to go through the awkward phase where I have boobs and a beard (so not looking forward to that). And right now I should celebrate to have reached this mile stone. But I know that this is just the beginning. And I can't wait to get started. my hands are itching.


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Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror

As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.


"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.

Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."

In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."

For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs


As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.

Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.


Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.


So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.


I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.


This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.



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Just to get a few things clear.

A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.

Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.


"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."

I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.

As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.


"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."

Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.

Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.


"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"

I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.


"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."

Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.


"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."

I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.


I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.

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I'm almost done with my screening.

 Two days ago I had another meeting with my gender therapist. Part of the screening is bring a friend day so I did. I brought my latest ex who I am still friends with and also work with. Currently he is one of my closest friends and we kind of helped each other discover who we are. Our friendship means a lot to me. My therapist had a few basic questions like how do you know each other, how would you describe your friendship, how do you feel about Tyler's transition and what do you actually notice about it. He did have to think quite a bit about the answers. Notice about the change? Not so much. Things make more sense and are more relaxed. He's right. It's true. Most of the time I don't really notice I'm transitioning when I'm around people. They still treat me the same mostly. They call me dude when they remember and some remember more often then others but they all try. Most of the guys I know are more laid back around me now which feels really good. The girls are all curious and want to know what's happening as if I am some sort of spy. It seems like the girls have more trouble no longer seeing me as one of them then the guys do accepting me. Funny how that works. I'm not sure why that is. Anyone have any insights on that? Feedback would be very welcome.


My therapist gave me the phone number of the psychiatrist I need to call for my second opinion. It was 5pm on Friday so I haven't been able to call yet but I will Monday morning. I only have to stop by for the last part of my life story, which should be done in one session, and the second opinion. And that's it. Then I should have the most coveted green light. I will get a letter for hormone therapy which I will have to send to the hospital and they will put me on next the waiting list. I checked again, it's still 8 weeks. This means I should be able to start hormone treatment in about June if all goes well.


Right now I'm not nervous because I am too tired. The IRS is coming over next week to check my books. I am still working on writing the training for the educators at the COC which turned out to be a lot more work then I thought. We had the first Trans*-café at the COC Leiden last night which I think was pretty successful for a first time with only 2 weeks notice. I am still waking up at 6:30 am every day and usually do get up early as I have plenty to do like teaching BodyPump this morning. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep every night and doing that for a long time is getting to me. I still have a buckload of emails I need to look at but right now I can't focus on any of them. I'm going to try to sleep in tomorrow and see if I can stay in bed until 9am. In 2 weeks time I have crossed out my calendar so I can have some time for myself. Just the gym and some me time. Not even a nice cup of tea with someone cause this week I had social appointments with 14 people in total, some at the same time luckily. So if I say social stuff is fine I still won't have any me time at all. And I really do need this time because things are about to get seriously real really soon. I need to prepare mentally cause I'm not sure if I'm ready for this big change. I wake up with my heart racing most mornings and if I don't it takes about 5 minutes before it does. But my head is so full I don't know what's what anymore. Right now I'm going to take a short nap, have some diner and then go off to a friend's house to watch the new BodyPump DVD and eat chocolate. We deserve it.


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PMS tricked me again.

Last weekend I was all wired up about the photo shoot. The blog I wrote about it still stands but, I have since then come to the conclusion I was suffering from PMS at the time which always blows everything out of proportion. So the issues I was struggling with are issues I still struggle with, but they probably wouldn't have cracked me up like that if it hadn't been for those blasted hormones. I started spotting yesterday and my brain went AHA! There is the perpetrator! I've always had this hate/hate thing with my uterus. I've never liked her and she never liked me. I still find it amazing how women deal with it. The hormonal moods, the mess downstairs, the pain. I know I should get my coil checked because sometimes I can feel it poking me which you shouldn't. But I can't be bothered and I can deal with the pain. I've been in pain a lot worse then this before. If all goes well I will have the whole thing taken out one day. I'm hoping summer of 2014. And then I'll be a boy. Or maybe even a man.


It's amazing how aware I am these days of which things are purely hormonal and not really me. I notice myself giving certain emotional responses to things and I know that that's not really me reacting like that. It's my hormones doing funky things. Making me freak out or going mushy while a big chunk of me doesn't really feel that way and doesn't understand the physical reaction. I heard someone say that once you start on testosterone your mood changes, becomes more stable. But your humor tends to change a bit as well, becomes more crude. Like you tend to laugh quicker at coarse things like seeing someone fall. It appears this is also more a physical reaction then a truly emotional one. I wonder how many people are aware of what they really feel, emotionally, instead of just hormonally. It's a strange thing to be aware of it and it's not always easy. I didn't realize I was having PMS when it was happening. It wasn't until I started spotting that I drew the logical conclusion as to why I had been over emotional for several days. I heard that men have a hormonal cycle as well but they move with the sun instead of the moon. I wonder if I will notice any of that, getting testosterone from an external source instead of producing it myself. And if it's true in the first place. My sleeping pattern does follow the sun more then the moon and some people say that's a typical male thing to do. I have no idea if that is true but it sounds cool.


Emotions are a strange thing. They are not always easy to deal with. A friend of mine told me the only emotion she has is fear. I find that impossible to believe. Everyone has not just fear but also joy, sadness, anger, and shame as part of the 5 basic emotions. Where do they come from? What purpose do they have? And are they human or not? In the end I guess it does all come down to glands. I think more mammals have these emotions in some form or another. I think they are responses to external factors to ensure their survival. Without emotions they would be in serious trouble.

But that's the hormonal part. Humans can think. Most important they can self reflect. And that's where emotions become a different color. We can actively suppress our emotions. We can think about them and judge them. We can decide a certain emotional response is improper and unwanted and we can attempt to train ourselves in a way to make a different emotional response. We can also decide we want more of a certain emotion because it feels comfortable, and that doesn't always need to be joy. As long as you are used to something, if feels comfortable. For a long time I thought that I would lose my identity if I was no longer depressed because I was so used to feeling like that and I could not imagine living without it. When you know what to expect, you feel safe and safety is what we all strive for. So we hold on to our emotions. It's a strange thing. It does seem like emotions rule our lives but we have the ability to guide them, a bit, if we choose to. We can influence our emotions with our behavior and the hormonal response that creates, with our thinking and the way the brain responds by producing or not producing hormones, and with what we put into our bodies and controlling what kind of hormones our bodies can make or will be tempted to make because of the building blocks it has or hasn't got. So that's what we've got. We've got hormones dictating how we feel and our attempts to adjust those hormones in a way that we find comfortable. This goes for everyone. I guess the main reason why I'm thinking about this right now is because my hormonal state and therefor emotional state, is too far from my own comfort zone to be acceptable. And the fact that I am aware that my current state is incongruent with the state I desire because of a hormonal shift. It's amazing what I come across during this journey of transition. Today I'll just count this as a blessing.

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Strike a pose.

I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.


I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.

So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!


In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.

I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.


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Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.

Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?


I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.


There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.


A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.


But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?


One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.


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I had my first meeting with the gender team in Woerden.

The journey has begun.

After months of waiting I finally had my first meeting at the Psycho Informa Groep (P.I.G. and yes that is unfortunate) with Mr A. Man (I'm still serious), a short, slightly bold fellow with blue eyeliner and a purple shirt. He asked me why I was there. A very good question which sounds simpler then it is. But what it boils down to is that my body doesn't fit how I see myself and I can't change the way I feel. So the only option left is to change my body to fit me as a person. I don't want to become a man. A lot of people think I do and sometimes that's what I say but it's not what I mean. I already am a man. I just happen to be in a female body and have a very developed feminine side. I think everyone is a bit of both but most people don't realize it because they are not confronted with it. There are only very few people who fit the male or female stereotype. Do you know anyone who does? 100%? Are you sure? I think I know one guy who does and I know quite a lot of people. He told me a lot of trans people have trouble accepting this. Most trans people have grown to hate their birth gender which is not healthy and takes time to heal. I'm lucky in that way. Part of me will always be girly as hell. I will always be able to chat for hours with a cup of tea and a bucket of chocolate. And there are plenty of other things that 'real men' don't do that I love. I'm cool with that and it seems to me the people around me are as well. Gender is a point of view, a gray scale. It's no longer a marker that determines how you should live your life.

A. Man and I talked for about 2 hours, much longer then I had expected. He's direct but friendly. He asked the right questions, making me think about how and why and what it is that I really want. I think that, in this short period, I already have a better idea of where I want to be in a few years time and of who I really am. I spent so long adapting to my surroundings, pretending to be what I felt society wanted me to be, it has become a second nature, a reflex. I remember, 5 years ago, I bought myself a pair of gloves. It was the first thing I did for myself in a long time. A small act but a huge gesture. Now I am taking things to the next level. I've come to accept who I am, as far as I know myself. Now I am going to be myself. I'm even thinking about doing the hysterectomy for the first time. There are a lot of downsides to it but somehow, today, I feel it would bring me one step closer to myself, away from the lie I have been living.

He explained the procedure to me, the screening, the real life phase and hormone treatment and then the surgery. It's pretty much the same set up as the hospital in Amsterdam only it takes less time. I should be able to get through the screening in about 4 months. And then I have to find someone they can refer me to for hormone treatment. I'm hoping I can get someone at the Local hospital, the LUMC, to do it so I don't have to travel so much. Screening is slightly different from the way they do it in Amsterdam where you get 6 meetings, all a month apart and that's it. Here I get to see him once every week or every 2 weeks and I get as many meetings as he feels I need to get ready for the next step. He wants me to write my life story and expects it to be about 20-25 pages instead of just one page they want in Amsterdam. I do need to sort out a few things with my insurance which will be a pain in the ass but it should be worth it. I also need a new referral from my doctor because the one I had has expired thanks to the waiting list. Lovely. But that's all minor detail when I think about being able to start hormones before my birthday next summer. Bring on the ginger beard!


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It's the waiting that's killing.

Patience is a virtue. It's also something most people lack. That includes me. In some cases I can be patient. If I know why I should be. Like when I am at the gym and I have to wait between set for my ADP to switch back to ATP so I can get a proper training to build some massive masculine muscle. It feels a bit silly, sitting there, waiting, looking like you're doing nothing. But I know why and I know that if I don't I will miss out on some good results and in the long run I will profit from sitting there and being patient.

The waiting list for the genderteam in Amsterdam is 12 to 18 months, read 18 months. Why? because they are understaffed. That's the only reason. They are understaffed because they don't have a sufficient budget. They don't have a sufficient budget because... I don't know. I guess we are such a small group the people dividing the budget figured they can just set us aside cause there wouldn't be that many people complaining about it compared to other budget cuts. And that's the reason why I'm fiddling my thumbs. Lovely. I know money is a complicated matter these days but it does mean there are loads of people sitting and waiting till they can start their lives properly. After years of struggling and doubt you finally come forward just to be told you have to wait to get any kind of help with this for a year and a half. It's just cruel. Sure you can be yourself, just not yet because the government thinks your happiness is not important enough to invest those few euro's. *shudder* And once you've passed that waiting list you have to go through the screening process which can take about 6 months or more if you're unlucky for the exact same reason: lack of funding.

And then? Can you finally get started? Sort of. You can get hormone treatment but you also enter the real life phase. To quote the VU website: Deze fase duurt voor mannen achttien maanden en voor vrouwen twaalf maanden, en houdt in dat men gedurende die periode leeft in de gewenste rol, zonder dat daar een operatie aan [te] pas is gekomen. (http://www.vumc.nl/afdelingen/zorgcentrum-voor-gender/faq/gabvragen/322592) Roughly translated: This phase lasts eighteen months for men and for women twelve months, and implies that during that period you will be living in the desired role, without any surgery. 18 months for men and 12 for women. Okay, so which one do I get? The 12 or 18? Cause I'm a woman by birth. But I am going to be a man... So which one is it? And why is there a difference? Why would one group have to wait longer then the other? Does it take longer for the hormones to take effect? Does that matter? You can have the surgeries without the hormones so that shouldn't be the reason. I honestly don't understand. Do they want to give one group more time to get adjusted? To let their surroundings get used to it? Is that necessary? I mean, you already had to wait a year and a half before you could start hormones. Do they really think we've just been sitting on our asses the whole time and not tell anyone and not make any changes in our appearances? Personally I don't see how I will be doing things much different on hormones from what I do now. I think the biggest change will come after my top surgery. But that won't be covered by my insurance until after the real life phase. I could do it if I pay for it myself though. And I am seriously considering it. I don't want to have to wait that long and I don't want to have to walk around in chest binders all the time (or some of the time anyway) increasing the risk of breast cancer and being uncomfortable because someone at the top decided it's financially more comfortable for them. But I'm sidetracking. I still can't think of any reason why there would be a difference in length for the real life phase for the 2 groups other then simple discrimination. Honestly, I really don't. Could someone explain this to me? I find it amazing that in a place, where people like us are finally supposed to be excepted for who we are completely, we still have to face discrimination.