The evolution of friendship.

I was at the dentist this morning and she asked how I was doing. So I told her I had been stressed lately and broke a molar because of that. She was curious what I was stressed about. There are big things happening in my life. One of those things is registering the gallery at the chamber of commerce. It's such a grown up thing to do. We came to the conclusion that we are both turning 35 this summer. It's a strange thought. I really am a grown up, an adult, making grown up, responsible decisions about grown up topics. How does that happen? It just does. You grow up and become an adult. It happens to most of us.

But we all have our own pace, and some of us get stuck on different levels, or move much faster then others around them. Suddenly, when you are talking to some of your friends about the thing that are important to you at that point, you notice the y don't respond as enthusiastic as you expected. This seems strange at first because you used to be able to share so much with that person and you felt like you both could really relate to each other. And now, the enthusiasm simply isn't there. You take a look at your life,  your friends life, and the life you used to have together, and come to the conclusion you have grown apart. It happens. There is nothing you can do about it. It happens to most of the people you because friends with then you were younger. 

There is a very simple reason for this. Take a look at your life, your world. You have orchestrated it in a way that fits your personality, who you are. That means you now, starting around your thirties, you will be living in a city you like, and, if all is well, in the right part of that city. You will be working in the field you like, maybe even have the dream job you really want. You will have developed habits that suit you and found hobbies you enjoy. And with that comes a circle of friends who you have met at those places. But you have chosen those places. And that's the trick.

I have friends who have kids and I see it happening. The other day I was at a venue and some friends where there with their son, he's almost 10 I think. There was someone else with a kid around the same age. So people expected them to play together. Simply because they were the same age and in the same place. That was the only thing they had in common, age and a location determined by their parents. Same goes for school. Your parents chose your school when you are little, because they think it is a good school and easy to reach. You get stuck with 30 kids without knowing if you have anything in common with them. You do though and that is mostly the fact that you don't know who you are and what you want yet. You still have to develop most of your personality, discover yourself. And this takes time, trial and error. So you do this together. You experiment, try new things and see if you like them or not. If you're lucky you will have a few kids in your class that have the same interest as you do and you can explore the same fields together. But as you grow older you become more specific in your likes and dislikes. You may still have common likes or dislikes, but you might find you have different motivation for them. Or you can find out that some of the things you liked, you don't like at all. You just thought you did because people expected you to for what ever reason. 

At some point in your teens you think you have it all figured out, not realizing that half of what you are thinking is a reaction to your parents. You also have no idea yet how the world really works. I mean, driving an ice cream truck may sound great, but can be rather dull in real life. And having to go out there, facing those noisy kids when you are having a bad day, and it's raining on top of that.... Nobody wants that. But when your young it sounds like a dream. Reality hits and things turn out to be different. Some people will stick to what they thought they wanted because reality is close enough to their dreams, or maybe even better. Some people take a different path. And your roads split and you say goodbye. Or maybe you don't and you find yourself talking to that person and wondering why they are giving you such a funny look like they have no idea what you are talking about. It's because they don't. It's because you are both not 16 anymore and you have grown up. And you have changed. 

We tend to hold on to friendships simply because they have lasted a long time already. Not because of the quality. I'm not saying it's always the case, but it might be more often then we think. The question is, do we really want to hold on to those people or is it time to move on? Would it not be better to save yourself and the other the time trying to understand each other because you feel like you have to simply because you have know each other since you were kids. 

It can also happen the other way around. You can have grown apart, let each other go, and run into each other for what ever reason again, only to come to the conclusion that you are more compatible now then you are the last time you saw each other. it's strange when those thing happen but they do. But be careful, just because you used to know each other really well, doesn't mean you know each other now. Take the time to get to know the new person that your old friend grew into. And try not to hold a grudge. 

https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker

The value of Facebook friends.

I recently hit 500 friends on Facebook. This really surprised me. I have 500 friends? I may know 500 people, or 500 people may know me, but I do not have 500 friends. I keep coming across the number of 250 memory slots in your brain for people. This means you can remember 250 people. You know who they are, what they look like, and what their relation is to you. These slots are filled with the people that fill your daily life. It ranges from your parents to the guy you buy your coffee from every morning on your way to work. Yes, that person gets a slot. He provides a basic need on an almost daily basis. He deserves a slot. When you think about it 250 isn't that much in modern society. I mean, Jon Stewart gets a slot too. As does Brad Pitt. You know what they look like, you know what they do, what their role is in your life, what they mean to you, what needs they fulfill for you. So they get a slot. And then they start to fill up rather quickly. With the enormous amount of information and access to so many people 250 doesn't seem very reasonable. But it's the way it is. Society has developed at an enormous rate while your brains haven't been able to adapt to it yet. Even 50 years ago we had a lot less people in our lives. We didn't have internet. Not even everyone had a television. And a lot of people traveled less then they do now. So you didn't get to know that many people. You didn't need more then 250. 

We can not train our brain to memorize 500 people. I don't see where I could find the time for that, let alone actually stay in contact with all those people in a meaningful way. How much time do you need to invest in a relationship? It depends on the type of relationship. Like the coffee guy. All you want from him is your coffee and service with a smile. So all you have to do is go buy that coffee and be polite. That's not a lot of time to invest but you get just what you want. But what about those 500 friends on Facebook? Who are all those people? I'm not sure. I usually don't add people that I have only met once and probably will never see again. Sometimes I do though and then wonder why I did. Those people, as nice as they may be, don't add anything to my life. Clicking 'like' in response to their posts every now and then isn't much of a relationship. But they do clutter my wall and I clutter theirs. So why do we keep them?

I remember when Facebook first popped up. People tried to get as many friends as they could, to get a certain social status. People wanted quantity over quality. It's like that with a lot of things these day. Like food and most other possessions. People want more, of everything. They want more information, more people surrounding them, more status, more of everything. But while doing so we lose track of the important things. How many friends on your Facebook list can you turn to if you are in need? How many would you feel comfortable with asking them for a hug when you need one? I just checked and I get to less then 20 people I would ask. Not who I could ask, but who I would want to ask. Less then 20 out of 500. Be honest, how many would you ask for a hug? 

So who are all those other people? Some of them are random people who I don't really know. Some of them are people I used to be friends with but no longer see. Some of them are still dear to me and some of them I would like to see again. A lot of people on my Facebook are also work related. I know them from the the art scene or the gym or from working for the LGBT organization. Those are people I mostly need to keep in my network. But the question is, do I want to have them in my friends list? Why should the line between work relationships and friendships disappear? We often feel pressured to mix these things now we have social media. It's going back to the social status of having a lot of connections on Facebook. We want to secure that status at work as well. If you are popular outside your job, you must be doing something right. It's like people saying: the good ones are always taken. If you see someone is taken it must mean there is a reason for it, they must be doing something right, so you want to get in with that. If someone has a lot of friends on Facebook, they must be doing something right and you better make sure you don't lose that person. 

To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of it. I want my friends to be my friends. I don't mind working with some of my friends but I don't have to be friends with everyone I work with. And I mean being friends as in I would invite you to my birthday. I don't mean I don't have to be nice to anyone I work with. I'm tired of the social pressure. And I think a lot of people are. So I am going to clean out my friends list so I only have people on there that I care about and people who are important to me in a direct manner. That way I can put more time into the people that really matter to me and I don't get distracted by all the people that I don't really know and that don't really know me either. Everyone is more then welcome to follow my page of course. And if I delete you it's not because I think you're a bad person. The thing is, I only have 250 slots, and so do you.

https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker