The evolution of friendship.

I was at the dentist this morning and she asked how I was doing. So I told her I had been stressed lately and broke a molar because of that. She was curious what I was stressed about. There are big things happening in my life. One of those things is registering the gallery at the chamber of commerce. It's such a grown up thing to do. We came to the conclusion that we are both turning 35 this summer. It's a strange thought. I really am a grown up, an adult, making grown up, responsible decisions about grown up topics. How does that happen? It just does. You grow up and become an adult. It happens to most of us.

But we all have our own pace, and some of us get stuck on different levels, or move much faster then others around them. Suddenly, when you are talking to some of your friends about the thing that are important to you at that point, you notice the y don't respond as enthusiastic as you expected. This seems strange at first because you used to be able to share so much with that person and you felt like you both could really relate to each other. And now, the enthusiasm simply isn't there. You take a look at your life,  your friends life, and the life you used to have together, and come to the conclusion you have grown apart. It happens. There is nothing you can do about it. It happens to most of the people you because friends with then you were younger. 

There is a very simple reason for this. Take a look at your life, your world. You have orchestrated it in a way that fits your personality, who you are. That means you now, starting around your thirties, you will be living in a city you like, and, if all is well, in the right part of that city. You will be working in the field you like, maybe even have the dream job you really want. You will have developed habits that suit you and found hobbies you enjoy. And with that comes a circle of friends who you have met at those places. But you have chosen those places. And that's the trick.

I have friends who have kids and I see it happening. The other day I was at a venue and some friends where there with their son, he's almost 10 I think. There was someone else with a kid around the same age. So people expected them to play together. Simply because they were the same age and in the same place. That was the only thing they had in common, age and a location determined by their parents. Same goes for school. Your parents chose your school when you are little, because they think it is a good school and easy to reach. You get stuck with 30 kids without knowing if you have anything in common with them. You do though and that is mostly the fact that you don't know who you are and what you want yet. You still have to develop most of your personality, discover yourself. And this takes time, trial and error. So you do this together. You experiment, try new things and see if you like them or not. If you're lucky you will have a few kids in your class that have the same interest as you do and you can explore the same fields together. But as you grow older you become more specific in your likes and dislikes. You may still have common likes or dislikes, but you might find you have different motivation for them. Or you can find out that some of the things you liked, you don't like at all. You just thought you did because people expected you to for what ever reason. 

At some point in your teens you think you have it all figured out, not realizing that half of what you are thinking is a reaction to your parents. You also have no idea yet how the world really works. I mean, driving an ice cream truck may sound great, but can be rather dull in real life. And having to go out there, facing those noisy kids when you are having a bad day, and it's raining on top of that.... Nobody wants that. But when your young it sounds like a dream. Reality hits and things turn out to be different. Some people will stick to what they thought they wanted because reality is close enough to their dreams, or maybe even better. Some people take a different path. And your roads split and you say goodbye. Or maybe you don't and you find yourself talking to that person and wondering why they are giving you such a funny look like they have no idea what you are talking about. It's because they don't. It's because you are both not 16 anymore and you have grown up. And you have changed. 

We tend to hold on to friendships simply because they have lasted a long time already. Not because of the quality. I'm not saying it's always the case, but it might be more often then we think. The question is, do we really want to hold on to those people or is it time to move on? Would it not be better to save yourself and the other the time trying to understand each other because you feel like you have to simply because you have know each other since you were kids. 

It can also happen the other way around. You can have grown apart, let each other go, and run into each other for what ever reason again, only to come to the conclusion that you are more compatible now then you are the last time you saw each other. it's strange when those thing happen but they do. But be careful, just because you used to know each other really well, doesn't mean you know each other now. Take the time to get to know the new person that your old friend grew into. And try not to hold a grudge. 

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Another one bites the dust. (suicide)

Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.


I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.


About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.


"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth

I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.


The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.


This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.


If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?


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It's not easy being trans.

When I first came to the conclusion I would be better off being a dude I didn't realize what it all meant. The statement in itself is simple: I identify as male. But it has huge consequences. It impacts your life on every level. One of the things it affects, that most people don't realize, is the past. Suddenly everything you have done in the past has a different light on it. A friend of mine once told me, ages ago, that her boyfriend thought I had anorexia because I wanted to be a boy. It freaked me out because I felt caught. Back then wanting to be a boy was my deepest darkest secret. But it also pissed me off because he was wrong. Wrong in the way that I didn't have anorexia because I wanted to be a boy, but because I was trying to be like a girl. And clearly I failed at it. I started dawning on me a few days ago how much of my past has been determined by the fact that I am a transgender. I hated my body and tried very hard to destroy it. But I didn't want to die. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to pain to stop and this horrible thing that seemed to decide my life for me that I was stuck with, would go away. Looking back I'm amazed how little damage is left from that period, call it a life time. My teeth are bad but some people have that without throwing up all the time. The nerve damage is pretty much gone these days. Healthy diet helped a lot with that. And I have a bunch of scars on my arms, legs and torso that most people don't even notice anymore. Not bad for over 20 years of self-destructive coping devices. But that's just my body.


The mind is a totally different thing. So is time. I can't turn back time and undo those bad things and replace them with events I wish had happened instead. I can't erase that pain, the feeling of loss. Looking back it seems like it was a different person all together who did those things, who lived that life. It wasn't me. It was some sort of alter ego that I created to survive in this world that would judge me for what I seemed to be but was not. When I look back I see this scared little girl, hurting and lonely, and there is nothing I can do to help her, because she isn't real. She never had a chance. And now she is gone and I am here. But I am left with her pain, her trauma, her memories of blood filled nights and the cold hard floor underneath her knees in front of the toilet bowl. I can not make that go away. I thought I had put it behind me, that I had moved on and in a way I have. I just hadn't looked at it from a trans perspective yet and that makes a lot of difference. It all makes a lot more sense now. It also feels more useless. If only... But no such thing. I missed out on most of my childhood because of this, my puberty and adolescence. My early adulthood is overshadowed by my transition process. And what will happen after that? Right now I'm afraid I'll never be a real man, even though I know I already am, boobs and all. But I will never have been a boy growing up, I will not have a past as a man. I will have to start from scratch from here on, as if I was a foreigner moving to a different country. The Land of Man. And I can try to fit in as much as I want but I will always be different. I will always be castrated, no matter what.


So right now I am trying to deal with this. I am mourning. Mourning for my past self who never had a chance at all, and for my future self, for I will never be truly whole.



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