Last winter I had a burn out. Really? I did? Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out myself. And once I had figured it out I was ashamed to admit it. First to myself, then to others. But you know me. When ever I feel something is wrong I start wondering why and can never keep my mouth shut about my findings. So what was going on here?
During my twenties I spent a lot of time in therapy. I was what one could call guano crazy. I was officially declared unfit for regular work and have been living on government benefits ever since. Not that I haven't tried to study or work. I have tried plenty. But every time I had to come to the conclusion they were right: I am unfit for regular work. So I shouldn't do that. I am coming to terms with that now, since I had yet another burn out this winter. Seems like I finally learned my lesson. Most people who are sitting at home actually want to do something useful. So do I. So even though I don't have to work to be able to cover my basic bills (and not much more but this is a different story) I do want to do something. I started doing volunteer work at the COC, the LGBT rights organisation. I set up a non profit gallery with a friend of mine. I thought group classes as several gyms. I continued making art. And I started my transition from female to male.
I got a shoulder injury and decided it was a good moment to take a break from teaching at the gyms. The gallery was taking up more and more time so it was a good excuse to quit at the COC where I felt overwhelmed. And then the gallery lost its major sponsor and we could no longer stay at the location we had. We decided to close down after 4 years. Honestly, I was relieved it closed. It meant I could take some time to myself and catch my breath. I took a week, and then another. It turned into a month and then two. And I am still tired. I tell people I can't really do anything right now because I am waiting for my surgery this summer. Honestly, that's not the whole story. I burned out last winter and I need some time to recover. I don't know how long this is going to take but it will take as long as it needs to. I'm not going to set any goals or deadlines. I'm going to take it a day at a time and if my energy is good that day I'll use it. If my energy is low I'll take it easy. I'm not going to let myself burn out again. I've done it too many times already.
I know what I did wrong. The next question is why. Lately half the time I'm on public transport I overhear people complain to each other or on the phone about the pressure at work and school. They are constantly being asked to do a little extra. Again and again. All those things are relatively small but they add up. To a lot. People are working extra hours to get all the work done and have to do additional courses to keep their jobs. Even if the course has nothing to do with their actual work. People are discouraged to call in sick when they really should. People are sacrificing their free time to catch up with paperwork. It seems like everyone is terrified of losing their jobs. At first I thought that was it: people want to keep their jobs and with unemployment as high as it is people are willing to do anything to not get fired. But why does this state of fear flows over into the school system? Kids are cracking under the pressure and they feel guilty about it. What's happening there?
When I was growing up our parents told us we could be anything we wanted. The choice was ours. This idea is still valid. But, if you want to be A, then you also have to be X, Y and Z. Even if you don't want to be X, Y and Z and they have nothing to do with what you are doing. The things you want to do are now pre packaged with a bunch of other stuff. There are conditions to everything. This isn't really something new. There are always things attached to everything. When you want to be your own boss and become an entrepreneur you also have to do all the paperwork that goes with it. If you love teaching and inspiring people it also means you have to prepare your classes and score the tests. There are always conditions. But these days it seems that the conditions overshadow the actual work. People are so busy with their check lists that they hardly have time to do what they wanted to do in the first place: the job they chose. Why do we allow this? Not just because we are afraid of losing our jobs. It's bigger then that.
This wave of pressure can be felt by everyone, even stay at home parents or people like me. The general consensus these days seems to be: you can be anything you want, if you work hard enough. If you fail you didn't work hard enough so it's your own fault and you don't deserve to be happy. I'm guessing this is why we put up with this nonsense. We want to prove we can handle it to earn our happiness. It's like a continual pissing contest. Survival of the fittest. A rat race. Maybe we are letting this happen because unemployment is so high. Maybe the "power corrupts" principle is being applied on a massive scale today. People are being told they actually do have control over their own lives. All they have to do is work their hands till they bleed with no reward, just postponed punishment. Orwell wasn't far off after all.
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Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reality. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
The value of Facebook friends.
I recently hit 500 friends on Facebook. This really surprised me. I have 500 friends? I may know 500 people, or 500 people may know me, but I do not have 500 friends. I keep coming across the number of 250 memory slots in your brain for people. This means you can remember 250 people. You know who they are, what they look like, and what their relation is to you. These slots are filled with the people that fill your daily life. It ranges from your parents to the guy you buy your coffee from every morning on your way to work. Yes, that person gets a slot. He provides a basic need on an almost daily basis. He deserves a slot. When you think about it 250 isn't that much in modern society. I mean, Jon Stewart gets a slot too. As does Brad Pitt. You know what they look like, you know what they do, what their role is in your life, what they mean to you, what needs they fulfill for you. So they get a slot. And then they start to fill up rather quickly. With the enormous amount of information and access to so many people 250 doesn't seem very reasonable. But it's the way it is. Society has developed at an enormous rate while your brains haven't been able to adapt to it yet. Even 50 years ago we had a lot less people in our lives. We didn't have internet. Not even everyone had a television. And a lot of people traveled less then they do now. So you didn't get to know that many people. You didn't need more then 250.
We can not train our brain to memorize 500 people. I don't see where I could find the time for that, let alone actually stay in contact with all those people in a meaningful way. How much time do you need to invest in a relationship? It depends on the type of relationship. Like the coffee guy. All you want from him is your coffee and service with a smile. So all you have to do is go buy that coffee and be polite. That's not a lot of time to invest but you get just what you want. But what about those 500 friends on Facebook? Who are all those people? I'm not sure. I usually don't add people that I have only met once and probably will never see again. Sometimes I do though and then wonder why I did. Those people, as nice as they may be, don't add anything to my life. Clicking 'like' in response to their posts every now and then isn't much of a relationship. But they do clutter my wall and I clutter theirs. So why do we keep them?
I remember when Facebook first popped up. People tried to get as many friends as they could, to get a certain social status. People wanted quantity over quality. It's like that with a lot of things these day. Like food and most other possessions. People want more, of everything. They want more information, more people surrounding them, more status, more of everything. But while doing so we lose track of the important things. How many friends on your Facebook list can you turn to if you are in need? How many would you feel comfortable with asking them for a hug when you need one? I just checked and I get to less then 20 people I would ask. Not who I could ask, but who I would want to ask. Less then 20 out of 500. Be honest, how many would you ask for a hug?
So who are all those other people? Some of them are random people who I don't really know. Some of them are people I used to be friends with but no longer see. Some of them are still dear to me and some of them I would like to see again. A lot of people on my Facebook are also work related. I know them from the the art scene or the gym or from working for the LGBT organization. Those are people I mostly need to keep in my network. But the question is, do I want to have them in my friends list? Why should the line between work relationships and friendships disappear? We often feel pressured to mix these things now we have social media. It's going back to the social status of having a lot of connections on Facebook. We want to secure that status at work as well. If you are popular outside your job, you must be doing something right. It's like people saying: the good ones are always taken. If you see someone is taken it must mean there is a reason for it, they must be doing something right, so you want to get in with that. If someone has a lot of friends on Facebook, they must be doing something right and you better make sure you don't lose that person.
To be honest, I am getting a bit tired of it. I want my friends to be my friends. I don't mind working with some of my friends but I don't have to be friends with everyone I work with. And I mean being friends as in I would invite you to my birthday. I don't mean I don't have to be nice to anyone I work with. I'm tired of the social pressure. And I think a lot of people are. So I am going to clean out my friends list so I only have people on there that I care about and people who are important to me in a direct manner. That way I can put more time into the people that really matter to me and I don't get distracted by all the people that I don't really know and that don't really know me either. Everyone is more then welcome to follow my page of course. And if I delete you it's not because I think you're a bad person. The thing is, I only have 250 slots, and so do you.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror
As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.
"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
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"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just to get a few things clear.
A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Money: bald chickens and tax refunds.
The Netherlands is known as a caretakers state. It means the state takes care of everyone who needs it. This sounds Utopian but in reality it's not. There is no money to use to take care of people who need it even though people are entitled to it. So the government is creating strange systems to fill the hole. Like with students: they all get a grant. I'm not sure how much it is these days but it's less then it used to be. You used to just get this money, everyone, including the people who didn't need it because mommy and daddy had enough to send them to uni, or if you were working and earning money yourself. Now, if your parents can't afford to help you and you have to get a job in addition to your grant to make ends meet, you get cut back. You have to turn in your public transport card and you don't get your grant for several months, depending on how much you earn. So, working and earning money is a bad idea in some cases. Could be, with travel expenses, you are worse off financially because you are working. Really? Yes, really.
Same goes for the type of health benefits I get. I was labeled unfit for regular work a long time again and, alas, they were right to do so (long story, remind me and I'll tell you some time). But I hate being dependent on others, just like most people on benefits. So I have been trying to work and earn my own living. I registered as an entrepreneur to sell my art. Sounds great but is a lot trickier then you'd think. If I earn any money, or work as I do now as a group fitness instructor, I have to tell the UWV, the government department that's in charge of my benefits, and they will adjust my benefits. So, I may be working, and earning money, but I won't be any richer, or less poor. Yes, with some luck or thereof I might actually end up with less money then if I don't work. Mostly it results in a lot of paperwork and frustration and if I wasn't so set on being independent and having my freedom I simply wouldn't bother. Most people don't. They are stuck in a state of dependence and can not get out. It seems 'you need money to make money' is more true now then ever.
I choose the worst time ever to start my business: 2009. At first we all thought, it won't be that bad. We thought, it will be over in no time. But 4 years later things are still getting worse. So selling my paintings has not be profitable. No one is spending money on a luxury like that. Actually, I lost a lot of money investing in materials, exhibitions abroad and trying to promote myself. You need to put yourself out there, show yourself to the world, stretch out your hand and offering the sharks your heart and soul. And they took it, and my money with it, but gave nothing in return. I have learned a lot, gained wisdom, but lost a dream. Lately I even wonder why the hell I even paint at all. Not that I have time to paint but hey. it's the thought that counts, right?
Yesterday mister tax man came over to take a look at my books. He said I did everything right. No problem with my books or anything like that. But, I hadn't been making a profit. And the tax breaks you get as a starting entrepreneur no longer applied to me because of that. So now I have to pay them back. He estimated it will be about 8000 euro's. Yes, that's three zero's. I don't have that kind of money. But neither does the government, remember? In Dutch we say: van een kale kip kan je niet plukken. As in, you can't pluck any feathers from a bald chicken. But that's what they are trying to do anyway. Caretakers state? I think not. They force people to stay dependent on government money and then punish them when they try to make a living on their own. I don't see that as taking care of your people. It's an untenable situation and one day the whole system will crash. I really don't want to know what will happen then.
Right now I need to find a way to gather the money they want me to pay. I don't have a lot of options. I can continue to sell my paintings but with this market it's not very realistic to try to sell them for big bucks. You can check my website (I know, I need to update it (it's even in my old name) but haven't gotten around to it with trying to find other ways of paying my own rent): http://titaniasnoek.com/ Make me a reasonable offer and you've got a deal. If you know a newspaper or magazine that would be willing to pay for some writing that would be great as well. Other then that, I really don't know. Suggestions are welcome, including overthrowing the government again. They never seem to learn.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
http://titaniasnoek.com/
Same goes for the type of health benefits I get. I was labeled unfit for regular work a long time again and, alas, they were right to do so (long story, remind me and I'll tell you some time). But I hate being dependent on others, just like most people on benefits. So I have been trying to work and earn my own living. I registered as an entrepreneur to sell my art. Sounds great but is a lot trickier then you'd think. If I earn any money, or work as I do now as a group fitness instructor, I have to tell the UWV, the government department that's in charge of my benefits, and they will adjust my benefits. So, I may be working, and earning money, but I won't be any richer, or less poor. Yes, with some luck or thereof I might actually end up with less money then if I don't work. Mostly it results in a lot of paperwork and frustration and if I wasn't so set on being independent and having my freedom I simply wouldn't bother. Most people don't. They are stuck in a state of dependence and can not get out. It seems 'you need money to make money' is more true now then ever.
I choose the worst time ever to start my business: 2009. At first we all thought, it won't be that bad. We thought, it will be over in no time. But 4 years later things are still getting worse. So selling my paintings has not be profitable. No one is spending money on a luxury like that. Actually, I lost a lot of money investing in materials, exhibitions abroad and trying to promote myself. You need to put yourself out there, show yourself to the world, stretch out your hand and offering the sharks your heart and soul. And they took it, and my money with it, but gave nothing in return. I have learned a lot, gained wisdom, but lost a dream. Lately I even wonder why the hell I even paint at all. Not that I have time to paint but hey. it's the thought that counts, right?
Yesterday mister tax man came over to take a look at my books. He said I did everything right. No problem with my books or anything like that. But, I hadn't been making a profit. And the tax breaks you get as a starting entrepreneur no longer applied to me because of that. So now I have to pay them back. He estimated it will be about 8000 euro's. Yes, that's three zero's. I don't have that kind of money. But neither does the government, remember? In Dutch we say: van een kale kip kan je niet plukken. As in, you can't pluck any feathers from a bald chicken. But that's what they are trying to do anyway. Caretakers state? I think not. They force people to stay dependent on government money and then punish them when they try to make a living on their own. I don't see that as taking care of your people. It's an untenable situation and one day the whole system will crash. I really don't want to know what will happen then.
Right now I need to find a way to gather the money they want me to pay. I don't have a lot of options. I can continue to sell my paintings but with this market it's not very realistic to try to sell them for big bucks. You can check my website (I know, I need to update it (it's even in my old name) but haven't gotten around to it with trying to find other ways of paying my own rent): http://titaniasnoek.com/ Make me a reasonable offer and you've got a deal. If you know a newspaper or magazine that would be willing to pay for some writing that would be great as well. Other then that, I really don't know. Suggestions are welcome, including overthrowing the government again. They never seem to learn.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
http://titaniasnoek.com/
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Do the Harlem Shake.
There are many meme's going round on the internet. We all know the grumpy cat, the ecards, the endless photo's, either alone or combined with other, initially totally unrelated photo's, with endless sarcastic comments. And of course the video's of the latest thing to do like planking, batmanning, owling and now the Harlem shake. I'm all for meme's. I think they are part of culture. Not just modern culture. Humans have always shared customs that represent some form of value, resistance, community, moral, and so forth. The idea is to show that you understand each other and are part of the same group. That you are friend rather then foe. That you share the same ideology. Modern meme's do the same thing. They comment on society and represent our social standards or lack there of. Same as gossip does. It actually tells us a lot about ourselves and how we see ourselves.
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Friday, February 22, 2013
PMS tricked me again.
Last weekend I was all wired up about the photo shoot. The blog I wrote about it still stands but, I have since then come to the conclusion I was suffering from PMS at the time which always blows everything out of proportion. So the issues I was struggling with are issues I still struggle with, but they probably wouldn't have cracked me up like that if it hadn't been for those blasted hormones. I started spotting yesterday and my brain went AHA! There is the perpetrator! I've always had this hate/hate thing with my uterus. I've never liked her and she never liked me. I still find it amazing how women deal with it. The hormonal moods, the mess downstairs, the pain. I know I should get my coil checked because sometimes I can feel it poking me which you shouldn't. But I can't be bothered and I can deal with the pain. I've been in pain a lot worse then this before. If all goes well I will have the whole thing taken out one day. I'm hoping summer of 2014. And then I'll be a boy. Or maybe even a man.
It's amazing how aware I am these days of which things are purely hormonal and not really me. I notice myself giving certain emotional responses to things and I know that that's not really me reacting like that. It's my hormones doing funky things. Making me freak out or going mushy while a big chunk of me doesn't really feel that way and doesn't understand the physical reaction. I heard someone say that once you start on testosterone your mood changes, becomes more stable. But your humor tends to change a bit as well, becomes more crude. Like you tend to laugh quicker at coarse things like seeing someone fall. It appears this is also more a physical reaction then a truly emotional one. I wonder how many people are aware of what they really feel, emotionally, instead of just hormonally. It's a strange thing to be aware of it and it's not always easy. I didn't realize I was having PMS when it was happening. It wasn't until I started spotting that I drew the logical conclusion as to why I had been over emotional for several days. I heard that men have a hormonal cycle as well but they move with the sun instead of the moon. I wonder if I will notice any of that, getting testosterone from an external source instead of producing it myself. And if it's true in the first place. My sleeping pattern does follow the sun more then the moon and some people say that's a typical male thing to do. I have no idea if that is true but it sounds cool.
Emotions are a strange thing. They are not always easy to deal with. A friend of mine told me the only emotion she has is fear. I find that impossible to believe. Everyone has not just fear but also joy, sadness, anger, and shame as part of the 5 basic emotions. Where do they come from? What purpose do they have? And are they human or not? In the end I guess it does all come down to glands. I think more mammals have these emotions in some form or another. I think they are responses to external factors to ensure their survival. Without emotions they would be in serious trouble.
But that's the hormonal part. Humans can think. Most important they can self reflect. And that's where emotions become a different color. We can actively suppress our emotions. We can think about them and judge them. We can decide a certain emotional response is improper and unwanted and we can attempt to train ourselves in a way to make a different emotional response. We can also decide we want more of a certain emotion because it feels comfortable, and that doesn't always need to be joy. As long as you are used to something, if feels comfortable. For a long time I thought that I would lose my identity if I was no longer depressed because I was so used to feeling like that and I could not imagine living without it. When you know what to expect, you feel safe and safety is what we all strive for. So we hold on to our emotions. It's a strange thing. It does seem like emotions rule our lives but we have the ability to guide them, a bit, if we choose to. We can influence our emotions with our behavior and the hormonal response that creates, with our thinking and the way the brain responds by producing or not producing hormones, and with what we put into our bodies and controlling what kind of hormones our bodies can make or will be tempted to make because of the building blocks it has or hasn't got. So that's what we've got. We've got hormones dictating how we feel and our attempts to adjust those hormones in a way that we find comfortable. This goes for everyone. I guess the main reason why I'm thinking about this right now is because my hormonal state and therefor emotional state, is too far from my own comfort zone to be acceptable. And the fact that I am aware that my current state is incongruent with the state I desire because of a hormonal shift. It's amazing what I come across during this journey of transition. Today I'll just count this as a blessing.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook
It's amazing how aware I am these days of which things are purely hormonal and not really me. I notice myself giving certain emotional responses to things and I know that that's not really me reacting like that. It's my hormones doing funky things. Making me freak out or going mushy while a big chunk of me doesn't really feel that way and doesn't understand the physical reaction. I heard someone say that once you start on testosterone your mood changes, becomes more stable. But your humor tends to change a bit as well, becomes more crude. Like you tend to laugh quicker at coarse things like seeing someone fall. It appears this is also more a physical reaction then a truly emotional one. I wonder how many people are aware of what they really feel, emotionally, instead of just hormonally. It's a strange thing to be aware of it and it's not always easy. I didn't realize I was having PMS when it was happening. It wasn't until I started spotting that I drew the logical conclusion as to why I had been over emotional for several days. I heard that men have a hormonal cycle as well but they move with the sun instead of the moon. I wonder if I will notice any of that, getting testosterone from an external source instead of producing it myself. And if it's true in the first place. My sleeping pattern does follow the sun more then the moon and some people say that's a typical male thing to do. I have no idea if that is true but it sounds cool.
Emotions are a strange thing. They are not always easy to deal with. A friend of mine told me the only emotion she has is fear. I find that impossible to believe. Everyone has not just fear but also joy, sadness, anger, and shame as part of the 5 basic emotions. Where do they come from? What purpose do they have? And are they human or not? In the end I guess it does all come down to glands. I think more mammals have these emotions in some form or another. I think they are responses to external factors to ensure their survival. Without emotions they would be in serious trouble.
But that's the hormonal part. Humans can think. Most important they can self reflect. And that's where emotions become a different color. We can actively suppress our emotions. We can think about them and judge them. We can decide a certain emotional response is improper and unwanted and we can attempt to train ourselves in a way to make a different emotional response. We can also decide we want more of a certain emotion because it feels comfortable, and that doesn't always need to be joy. As long as you are used to something, if feels comfortable. For a long time I thought that I would lose my identity if I was no longer depressed because I was so used to feeling like that and I could not imagine living without it. When you know what to expect, you feel safe and safety is what we all strive for. So we hold on to our emotions. It's a strange thing. It does seem like emotions rule our lives but we have the ability to guide them, a bit, if we choose to. We can influence our emotions with our behavior and the hormonal response that creates, with our thinking and the way the brain responds by producing or not producing hormones, and with what we put into our bodies and controlling what kind of hormones our bodies can make or will be tempted to make because of the building blocks it has or hasn't got. So that's what we've got. We've got hormones dictating how we feel and our attempts to adjust those hormones in a way that we find comfortable. This goes for everyone. I guess the main reason why I'm thinking about this right now is because my hormonal state and therefor emotional state, is too far from my own comfort zone to be acceptable. And the fact that I am aware that my current state is incongruent with the state I desire because of a hormonal shift. It's amazing what I come across during this journey of transition. Today I'll just count this as a blessing.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook
Sunday, February 17, 2013
Strike a pose.
I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.
I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.
So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!
In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.
I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.
In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.
I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.
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Friday, February 15, 2013
Another one bites the dust. (suicide)
Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.
I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.
About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.
"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth
I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.
The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.
This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.
If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?
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I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.
About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.
"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth
I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.
The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.
This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.
If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?
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Friday, February 8, 2013
Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.
Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?
I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.
There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.
A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.
But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?
One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.
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I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.
There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.
A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.
But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?
One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.
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Saturday, January 26, 2013
Seeing myself on video.
So I had decided to set some priorities and delete a few things from my ever hectic schedule. One of the things I had decided to stop doing is the BodyBalance. This has various reasons, one very important one being that it costs me more energy then I get from it. When something is draining you, you shouldn't do it. I do still have to turn in my video to get my official permanent certificate and I was curious if I would actually get it. Recently I had filmed my class for that purpose but I hadn't send it in yet. I decided to take a look at it and see if it was good enough and if it would be worth it to put it on a DVD and send it in.
It's always strange to see yourself on video. You have this idea in your head of who you are and what you look like. For most people this doesn't match the outside 100%. Possibly it doesn't match completely for anyone. For someone like me, a transgender, it's even worse. I hate the way I look. The narrow waist, the wide hips. The boobs. And that's just my body itself. When I teach BodyBalance I go girly. I move different. I move like a girl. I even do the broken wing wrists. It's this thing most animals do to indicate they need help. They pretend a wing or paw, or in a human case hand, is broken, holding it up, showing the limp limb so others can see they need someone to rescue them. Women do it a lot. Gay men tend to do it as well, but they wave that broken wing around showing they are harmless and approachable. I'm not saying they are aware of what they are doing. It's a basic animalistic instinct we all have. When I teach BodyBalance, I do it a lot, with both hands. *shudder*
So I've come to realize this is one of the main reasons why teaching this program is costing me so much energy. Because it forces me back into the role of a woman. It doesn't have to. There are other men who teach BodyBalance. Most of them are gay. Right now, where I am in my process, it just doesn't feel right. This is a part of me that I don't want to be reminded of all the time because I need to focus on becoming whole, or at least more whole, more myself, and need space to let my masculine side develop. And suddenly it makes perfect sense.
There is another thing that really bothered me about the video. My voice. I sounds horrible. I sound even worse then I sound to myself when I am talking. You always sound different in your own head because of the resonance with your skull. I know that I probably sound even girlier then usual during the BodyBalance, but still. My voice really bothers me. The voice you hear yourself speak with is the voice you use inside your head as well to form your thoughts. It's a huge part of your inner world, of your identity. Because my voice still sounds very female, the voice inside my head still sounds female most of the time. And because of that it is hard to feel like a real man. I try to think in a more manly voice sometimes but it always becomes someone else's voice. I have no idea what I will sound like once I start testosterone. I really, really can't wait. Maybe I should get some sort of cold in the mean time, or drink more whiskey.
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It's always strange to see yourself on video. You have this idea in your head of who you are and what you look like. For most people this doesn't match the outside 100%. Possibly it doesn't match completely for anyone. For someone like me, a transgender, it's even worse. I hate the way I look. The narrow waist, the wide hips. The boobs. And that's just my body itself. When I teach BodyBalance I go girly. I move different. I move like a girl. I even do the broken wing wrists. It's this thing most animals do to indicate they need help. They pretend a wing or paw, or in a human case hand, is broken, holding it up, showing the limp limb so others can see they need someone to rescue them. Women do it a lot. Gay men tend to do it as well, but they wave that broken wing around showing they are harmless and approachable. I'm not saying they are aware of what they are doing. It's a basic animalistic instinct we all have. When I teach BodyBalance, I do it a lot, with both hands. *shudder*
So I've come to realize this is one of the main reasons why teaching this program is costing me so much energy. Because it forces me back into the role of a woman. It doesn't have to. There are other men who teach BodyBalance. Most of them are gay. Right now, where I am in my process, it just doesn't feel right. This is a part of me that I don't want to be reminded of all the time because I need to focus on becoming whole, or at least more whole, more myself, and need space to let my masculine side develop. And suddenly it makes perfect sense.
There is another thing that really bothered me about the video. My voice. I sounds horrible. I sound even worse then I sound to myself when I am talking. You always sound different in your own head because of the resonance with your skull. I know that I probably sound even girlier then usual during the BodyBalance, but still. My voice really bothers me. The voice you hear yourself speak with is the voice you use inside your head as well to form your thoughts. It's a huge part of your inner world, of your identity. Because my voice still sounds very female, the voice inside my head still sounds female most of the time. And because of that it is hard to feel like a real man. I try to think in a more manly voice sometimes but it always becomes someone else's voice. I have no idea what I will sound like once I start testosterone. I really, really can't wait. Maybe I should get some sort of cold in the mean time, or drink more whiskey.
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Wednesday, January 23, 2013
It's not easy being trans.
When I first came to the conclusion I would be better off being a dude I didn't realize what it all meant. The statement in itself is simple: I identify as male. But it has huge consequences. It impacts your life on every level. One of the things it affects, that most people don't realize, is the past. Suddenly everything you have done in the past has a different light on it. A friend of mine once told me, ages ago, that her boyfriend thought I had anorexia because I wanted to be a boy. It freaked me out because I felt caught. Back then wanting to be a boy was my deepest darkest secret. But it also pissed me off because he was wrong. Wrong in the way that I didn't have anorexia because I wanted to be a boy, but because I was trying to be like a girl. And clearly I failed at it. I started dawning on me a few days ago how much of my past has been determined by the fact that I am a transgender. I hated my body and tried very hard to destroy it. But I didn't want to die. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to pain to stop and this horrible thing that seemed to decide my life for me that I was stuck with, would go away. Looking back I'm amazed how little damage is left from that period, call it a life time. My teeth are bad but some people have that without throwing up all the time. The nerve damage is pretty much gone these days. Healthy diet helped a lot with that. And I have a bunch of scars on my arms, legs and torso that most people don't even notice anymore. Not bad for over 20 years of self-destructive coping devices. But that's just my body.
The mind is a totally different thing. So is time. I can't turn back time and undo those bad things and replace them with events I wish had happened instead. I can't erase that pain, the feeling of loss. Looking back it seems like it was a different person all together who did those things, who lived that life. It wasn't me. It was some sort of alter ego that I created to survive in this world that would judge me for what I seemed to be but was not. When I look back I see this scared little girl, hurting and lonely, and there is nothing I can do to help her, because she isn't real. She never had a chance. And now she is gone and I am here. But I am left with her pain, her trauma, her memories of blood filled nights and the cold hard floor underneath her knees in front of the toilet bowl. I can not make that go away. I thought I had put it behind me, that I had moved on and in a way I have. I just hadn't looked at it from a trans perspective yet and that makes a lot of difference. It all makes a lot more sense now. It also feels more useless. If only... But no such thing. I missed out on most of my childhood because of this, my puberty and adolescence. My early adulthood is overshadowed by my transition process. And what will happen after that? Right now I'm afraid I'll never be a real man, even though I know I already am, boobs and all. But I will never have been a boy growing up, I will not have a past as a man. I will have to start from scratch from here on, as if I was a foreigner moving to a different country. The Land of Man. And I can try to fit in as much as I want but I will always be different. I will always be castrated, no matter what.
So right now I am trying to deal with this. I am mourning. Mourning for my past self who never had a chance at all, and for my future self, for I will never be truly whole.
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Sunday, January 20, 2013
Getting to know myself: give and take.
This whole transition thing stimulates a lot of soul searching, which was to be expected. It's very interesting to see what happens. Things I had set up only about a year ago with the idea that this would be a long term thing are already looking different in the light of my new life. And compared to how things were 5 or even 10 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me anymore. The results of my psychological tests are in a way obvious but also surprising. Like the diagonal line going from rigid: not at all, to confident: very. It used to be the other way around, even only 5 years ago. I have grown so much in the past 5 years, I sometimes find it hard to believe. Mostly it amazes me that it was actually the same person who did all those things.
For 25 years I spent most of my time thinking about other people. What will they think. What will the do to me. Is it okay for them that I exist. I spent a lot of time trying to not exist and to destroy my body. But I don't think I ever really wanted to be dead. At that point, I wasn't sure. I didn't know what I wanted because I was unable to be myself. I had lost connection to myself. All I had was the ideas I had about what other people wanted me to be and how I was failing to live up to them, except for the expectation of failure. I was walking a tightrope, trying to disappear, proving I was a failure and didn't belong here, and desperately holding on to life. It was not easy.
In the last 5 years I have learned to care for myself. Even to love myself though it's still not always easy. I've learned it's okay for me to be who I am. And I am slowly getting to know this person, this me who is surfacing. Turns out, I'm actually a really nice guy people like to be around. This also means I end up in the friend zone all the time but at least I have friends and that's a good start. I actually have some amazing friends and feel very blessed to have so many lovely people in my life. I'm learning a lot from my friends, in all kinds of ways. One friend who currently inspires me a lot is going to go to Australia and NZ for a year. Maybe longer. She is following a dream. The time is now. You never know if you'll get another chance than the one you create for yourself right now. I made a bucket list last month and am working on it, slowly but surely. And yes, travel is on that list as well. I'd prefer to change my passport before then though but that also gives me time to save up some money. I've come to the conclusion there are so many things I want to do, I wonder if I have enough time. That means I have to get started as soon as possible.
Getting to know myself also means learning what I don't want and making the choice to stop doing those things so I have more time to do the things I do want to do. Sounds simple, but is a bit tricky. I don't want people to think I'm giving up or giving in. I'm just changing my mind because I have more information. That should be okay. It's my life after all and hadn't I decided I was going to be in charge from now on? Yes I had. I want to do the things that feel good to me, not just what looks good to other people. A lot of the things that are supposed to look good to other people seem odd to me anyway. There is a huge focus on money while it's nothing but a tool to get the things you want. And then it comes right down to it, there aren't that many things we really really want to have, other then experiences. There is even a commercial by a credit card company that states the experience is priceless. That's what it is all about. Those memories, those experiences, those things you have learned, they will stay with you for ever. And that's what I want right now, to learn and to grow. But for that I need time to practice certain things. And energy. Which I don't seem to have. I'm not sleeping well. Something is bothering me. There is a ball and chain draining my energy and keeping me up that I need to cut loose. I know this feeling. There is a change coming and I have a feeling I know what it is. All I need to do is find a way that will give me some closure as well. Simply dropping it doesn't work for me. I don't like loose ends. I'll let you know when I cross that bridge how it works out.
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For 25 years I spent most of my time thinking about other people. What will they think. What will the do to me. Is it okay for them that I exist. I spent a lot of time trying to not exist and to destroy my body. But I don't think I ever really wanted to be dead. At that point, I wasn't sure. I didn't know what I wanted because I was unable to be myself. I had lost connection to myself. All I had was the ideas I had about what other people wanted me to be and how I was failing to live up to them, except for the expectation of failure. I was walking a tightrope, trying to disappear, proving I was a failure and didn't belong here, and desperately holding on to life. It was not easy.
In the last 5 years I have learned to care for myself. Even to love myself though it's still not always easy. I've learned it's okay for me to be who I am. And I am slowly getting to know this person, this me who is surfacing. Turns out, I'm actually a really nice guy people like to be around. This also means I end up in the friend zone all the time but at least I have friends and that's a good start. I actually have some amazing friends and feel very blessed to have so many lovely people in my life. I'm learning a lot from my friends, in all kinds of ways. One friend who currently inspires me a lot is going to go to Australia and NZ for a year. Maybe longer. She is following a dream. The time is now. You never know if you'll get another chance than the one you create for yourself right now. I made a bucket list last month and am working on it, slowly but surely. And yes, travel is on that list as well. I'd prefer to change my passport before then though but that also gives me time to save up some money. I've come to the conclusion there are so many things I want to do, I wonder if I have enough time. That means I have to get started as soon as possible.
Getting to know myself also means learning what I don't want and making the choice to stop doing those things so I have more time to do the things I do want to do. Sounds simple, but is a bit tricky. I don't want people to think I'm giving up or giving in. I'm just changing my mind because I have more information. That should be okay. It's my life after all and hadn't I decided I was going to be in charge from now on? Yes I had. I want to do the things that feel good to me, not just what looks good to other people. A lot of the things that are supposed to look good to other people seem odd to me anyway. There is a huge focus on money while it's nothing but a tool to get the things you want. And then it comes right down to it, there aren't that many things we really really want to have, other then experiences. There is even a commercial by a credit card company that states the experience is priceless. That's what it is all about. Those memories, those experiences, those things you have learned, they will stay with you for ever. And that's what I want right now, to learn and to grow. But for that I need time to practice certain things. And energy. Which I don't seem to have. I'm not sleeping well. Something is bothering me. There is a ball and chain draining my energy and keeping me up that I need to cut loose. I know this feeling. There is a change coming and I have a feeling I know what it is. All I need to do is find a way that will give me some closure as well. Simply dropping it doesn't work for me. I don't like loose ends. I'll let you know when I cross that bridge how it works out.
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
Three generations.
A friend of mine got a text today from her mother, stating she was in distress and needed help. Of course my friend went. This is not the first time I have heard about something like this: a parent asking a child for help because they were in emotional distress. Somehow I always get slightly mad about it. A parent should not have to ask their child for help in that way, no matter how old the child is. But it happens, more then you'd think. So I started wondering why.
Why is it that such a large chunk of the previous generation has such trouble dealing with their emotions? Why have they never learned how? So I looked at the generation before them, our grandparents. And there it is. The Second World War. We tend to forget our grandparents were survivors. They saw horrible things and survived them. Concentration camps, the horrible winter, living in constant fear. We forget these things. In times of peace, war seems so far away. No, we are not living in total peace, there is a war going on somewhere every single second. But we don't feel it. We don't see it. Most of us don't anyway. We shy away from the soldiers that come back from fighting wars in countries a lot of people can't even locate on a map. It's not OUR war. We know nothing of war. And we certainly don't notice how quite a few of us, more then we think, are still battling the results of that great war over 50 years ago.
Our parents were taught not to be vulnerable. Showing how you feel, or talking about it, made you vulnerable. At the camps, such things could mean instant death. For fear of losing their children the survivors taught their children what they had done to make it out alive: keep your head down, keep everything locked inside. A very effective survival strategy in the camps, but now the war is over it backfires. A lot of people don't know how to react to how they feel. Sometimes they don't even know what they feel at all. But humans are emotional creatures and not being able to express what they feel is not healthy. So they get confused and sad. I once read somewhere it takes about 3 generations to get over a war trauma. Yes, I believe it really does takes that long. I see it happening all around me; people my generation giving in to the confusion and sadness, allowing it to be present and working through all the emotions to come out more complete, more alive. And then they end up seeing the pain their parents still carry, not resenting them, but feeling sorry for them that they were not able to recover. They still have time. They can still claim their own lives and make something more out of it then sheer survival. I hope they will.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Sunday, December 30, 2012
I survived Christmas!
I am seriously thinking about planning a holiday for next Christmas so I won't have to think about it too much. Christmas Eve I managed to ignore completely. I just made a normal dinner, watched a movie and went to bed early.
On Christmas day my sister came over with her family. Her boyfriend fits her perfectly. They both have the same trades that have always made me wonder if she would ever find someone she wouldn't drive insane. They are like 2 peas in a pod. I'm happy for her. I did notice we are drifting apart. We live in different worlds. If we weren't siblings we probably would have given up ages ago but we keep trying, stay in touch and let each other know what's going on in lives. I really am happy she is happy but our connection is weak. She didn't say a word about our mother and was clearly determined to keep it that way. We were trying to have a nice family dinner so such topics had to be avoided. She didn't have time to see me by herself while she's in the country (she lives in Australia) so I won't be able to talk to her about all of this at all any time soon. I would have liked to know how she feels about my transition but I guess I can always send her an email.
I spent Boxing day with my 2 best friends which was really nice even though we were all tired. At least it was something. And the food was good.
After Christmas my father came over for a few days. He's actually still here but went to visit some friends. Usually, when he is in Holland, he stays at my mother's place (he lives in Germany) or at his brother's who lives further South. Because my sister is staying at my mother's place and he did want to be near by to see my sister and me he asked if he could stay at my place. I'm not a big fan of having him stay over because he has annoying habits that get on my nerves but I figured I'd take one for the team so both my brother (who lives up North and yes, we're all over the place) and sister would be able to see him. He went and had dinner with my mother yesterday. He told me they didn't speak of me. Not one word. It feels like I am dead to her. Somehow that's not a bad thing. This is the first year I didn't get a Christmas card from her. The last time we didn't speak she did send me cards, every year. It really annoyed me back then but now I didn't get one this year I'm aware of what it really meant. She was still holding on and open to trying to mend our bond. This time it's different. No more Christmas cards. This time she is letting go and moving on. This means I can too. It's a bit scary to write that down because it feels so definitive. But that's just the way it is. She doesn't seem to leave me much of a choice. She has made her choice and mine is a logical response to hers. It's the only thing I can do. So now I am another step closer to claiming my own life. Slowly but surely, one day I will be me.
In the mean time I have started writing my life story for A. Man at the gender team. It's a slow and painful process. I'm not sure how much 'but I wanted to be a boy' stuff he expects in there because most of my life I had buried it so deep I didn't even know it was an issue. I talked about this with my father, about my mother and how she had wanted to have a boy and how that confused me when I was little. She once told me, ages ago, that she would rather have been a boy as well. I wasn't ready to admit I did too so I never got back to it until last spring when I told her about my decision to transition. She denied ever having said that. But according to my father it is true. He told me that she did indeed have gender issues. What to make of that? I don't know. Her parents survived POW camps in Indonesia and they taught her two important lessons: always keep your head down, and don't get attached to people. That's how they survived. So that's what she did. She decided to not give in to it and to keep her head down. And now I'm not keeping my head down she is pushing me away. I can't blame her. From her point of view it makes perfect sense. I guess if this is what she needs to do, then so be it. It's time for me to move on. So here I go. 2013, here I come.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
On Christmas day my sister came over with her family. Her boyfriend fits her perfectly. They both have the same trades that have always made me wonder if she would ever find someone she wouldn't drive insane. They are like 2 peas in a pod. I'm happy for her. I did notice we are drifting apart. We live in different worlds. If we weren't siblings we probably would have given up ages ago but we keep trying, stay in touch and let each other know what's going on in lives. I really am happy she is happy but our connection is weak. She didn't say a word about our mother and was clearly determined to keep it that way. We were trying to have a nice family dinner so such topics had to be avoided. She didn't have time to see me by herself while she's in the country (she lives in Australia) so I won't be able to talk to her about all of this at all any time soon. I would have liked to know how she feels about my transition but I guess I can always send her an email.
I spent Boxing day with my 2 best friends which was really nice even though we were all tired. At least it was something. And the food was good.
After Christmas my father came over for a few days. He's actually still here but went to visit some friends. Usually, when he is in Holland, he stays at my mother's place (he lives in Germany) or at his brother's who lives further South. Because my sister is staying at my mother's place and he did want to be near by to see my sister and me he asked if he could stay at my place. I'm not a big fan of having him stay over because he has annoying habits that get on my nerves but I figured I'd take one for the team so both my brother (who lives up North and yes, we're all over the place) and sister would be able to see him. He went and had dinner with my mother yesterday. He told me they didn't speak of me. Not one word. It feels like I am dead to her. Somehow that's not a bad thing. This is the first year I didn't get a Christmas card from her. The last time we didn't speak she did send me cards, every year. It really annoyed me back then but now I didn't get one this year I'm aware of what it really meant. She was still holding on and open to trying to mend our bond. This time it's different. No more Christmas cards. This time she is letting go and moving on. This means I can too. It's a bit scary to write that down because it feels so definitive. But that's just the way it is. She doesn't seem to leave me much of a choice. She has made her choice and mine is a logical response to hers. It's the only thing I can do. So now I am another step closer to claiming my own life. Slowly but surely, one day I will be me.
In the mean time I have started writing my life story for A. Man at the gender team. It's a slow and painful process. I'm not sure how much 'but I wanted to be a boy' stuff he expects in there because most of my life I had buried it so deep I didn't even know it was an issue. I talked about this with my father, about my mother and how she had wanted to have a boy and how that confused me when I was little. She once told me, ages ago, that she would rather have been a boy as well. I wasn't ready to admit I did too so I never got back to it until last spring when I told her about my decision to transition. She denied ever having said that. But according to my father it is true. He told me that she did indeed have gender issues. What to make of that? I don't know. Her parents survived POW camps in Indonesia and they taught her two important lessons: always keep your head down, and don't get attached to people. That's how they survived. So that's what she did. She decided to not give in to it and to keep her head down. And now I'm not keeping my head down she is pushing me away. I can't blame her. From her point of view it makes perfect sense. I guess if this is what she needs to do, then so be it. It's time for me to move on. So here I go. 2013, here I come.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
A survey on selfharm. Children need our help.
A friend of mine is doing a survey to determine how well students are being helped at school when they struggle with automutilation, also knows as selfharm (SH). I find it very important that she is doing this. The results will serve as a guide to write a protocol for schools on how to act when they find a student in such a situation. Right now there are no guidelines what so ever for this. As a result precious time is lost in helping these children. Depression in teens is much more common then we would like to admit and a very serious problem. Selfharm is not about getting attention. It's about survival. It's a way to deal with the struggles and pain that otherwise become too great to handle. Most of the time parents don't have a clue or are part of the problem. When parents fail to protect their children it's time for the community to step in and take action. Since most children spend most of their time at school it makes sense for teachers to notice the signs and respond to them. Most teachers don't know what they should be looking for though. And if they do notice something is wrong, they don't know how to respond. So they leave the kid alone and hope it's just a phase and it will pass. For some it does pass. For others it ends in suicide. But the majority is left to struggle on for years and years, perhaps the rest of their lives. The sooner they can get help, the sooner things will get better and the greater the odds are they will be able to be happy some day. So if you have struggled with self harm during school and live in the Netherlands, please fill out the survey. If you know someone who did, pass it on. A lot of children out there need our help.
http://www.thesistools.com/web/?id=304850
I filled out the survey as well. I started selfharming when I was about 12 I think. I'm not entirely sure. It was a strange time. No one noticed. I would cut my upper arms at first. I would wear a short sleeved shirt at gym class so I'm pretty sure someone saw. But nobody said anything. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. My sister once asked if I could stop banging my head against the wall in the middle of the night because it would wake her up. But that's all. My eating disorder grew worse and worse. So did my drinking, which I started when I was 8, believe it or not. And when I was 15 I started doing drugs. Just weed at first, but that's where we all start, isn't it?
I finally managed to quite when I was 29. The cutting, the drinking, everything. And now I am healthy and fit. But I still feel sad a lot of the time. I still feel lonely, unloved and unlovable like I did growing up. I still have days when I get the urge to get out a knife and rip myself to pieces. I don't think that will ever completely go away. But I keep on fighting. I keep on going. I keep on surviving. And I'm still here.
I don't know what would have happened if someone would have noticed what was really going on sooner. My parents did send me to a psychiatrist at some point and told me I could stop going there if my grades improved. My grades did improve and I could stop going. But I only felt worse. It's not just about grades and how things look on the surface. If they had spend a bit more time noticing me, maybe they would have seen what was happening. Maybe I would not feel so lonely today.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
http://www.thesistools.com/web/?id=304850
I filled out the survey as well. I started selfharming when I was about 12 I think. I'm not entirely sure. It was a strange time. No one noticed. I would cut my upper arms at first. I would wear a short sleeved shirt at gym class so I'm pretty sure someone saw. But nobody said anything. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. My sister once asked if I could stop banging my head against the wall in the middle of the night because it would wake her up. But that's all. My eating disorder grew worse and worse. So did my drinking, which I started when I was 8, believe it or not. And when I was 15 I started doing drugs. Just weed at first, but that's where we all start, isn't it?
I finally managed to quite when I was 29. The cutting, the drinking, everything. And now I am healthy and fit. But I still feel sad a lot of the time. I still feel lonely, unloved and unlovable like I did growing up. I still have days when I get the urge to get out a knife and rip myself to pieces. I don't think that will ever completely go away. But I keep on fighting. I keep on going. I keep on surviving. And I'm still here.
I don't know what would have happened if someone would have noticed what was really going on sooner. My parents did send me to a psychiatrist at some point and told me I could stop going there if my grades improved. My grades did improve and I could stop going. But I only felt worse. It's not just about grades and how things look on the surface. If they had spend a bit more time noticing me, maybe they would have seen what was happening. Maybe I would not feel so lonely today.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Who's being stupid and selfish here?
Someone I know posted this on facebook a few days ago.
Gisteren meteen vanuit mijn werk met de trein naar Den Haag geweest voor een belangrijk document te halen en daarna rechtstreeks door naar Pijnacker (zoetermeer) voor een heerlijk dagje sauna..........Nu denk iedereen "heerlijk toch"......klopt in zovere maar nu komt het de terug reis met de trein :-( arme NS gisteren was blijkbaar een Doomsday in Nederland, we hadden meerdere vertragingen en miste daardoor meerdere overstap treinen omdat er 4 mensen willekeurig van elkaar en op verschillende plaatsen voor de trein zijn gesprongen en waarvan 3 vrijwel in de route die wij dus terug moesten nemen :-(.............wat bezielt zulke mensen toch om voor de trein te springen en daardoor die arme machinist en die gene die het moeten opruimen zo een trauma te bezorgen ...........soms doen mensen dingen die ongelooflijk stom en egoïstische zijn.............maargoed en daardoor gisteren pas om 0 uur thuis en vannacht slecht geslapen ....zucht verslapen en een collega laten wachten voor naar CW :-( ........nu maar weer het dagelijkse dingen oppakken en strijken en koken .............FB vrienden fijne dag nog
Rough English translation by google translate:
Yesterday directly from work I took the train to Den Haag to pick up an important document and then directly to Pijnacker (Zoetermeer) for a lovely day sauna .......... Now everyone thinks "sounds lovely." ..... ttrue so far, but now comes the return journey by train :-( poor NS yesterday was apparently a Doomsday in the Netherlands, we had several delays and missed several train switches because there were 4 people at random from each other and different places who jumped in front of a train, including 3 practically on our route back home :-( ............. what inspires such people anyway, to jump in front of a train and therefore traumatizing that poor driver and the ones who have to clean up ........... sometimes people do things that are incredibly stupid and selfish ............. but anyway and therefore we only got home at 0 hours home yesterday and slept badly last night .... sigh overslept and wait for a colleague to CW :-( ........ now to pick up the everyday things and ironing and cooking ... FB friends ..........have a nice day
I hardly know where to begin. I told him it was disrespectful and he changed his post to something that he thought was less bad but to me seemed equally narrow minded. I did not respond to that one. I didn't see the point. It made me really angry and sad at the same time. Someone else responded to his post as well, agreeing it was selfish and stupid etc. I don't understand how people can react like that. Someone felt so horrible that they felt the need to do something as desperate as that and they bitch about their trains running late? I've heard loads of people make these complaints. Someone decided the Dutch railway needed to clarify delays and now when someone jumps it's all over the boards: delay due to collision with a person. Sure, now we can't blame the NS (Dutch railway) for the delay but come one. Do they really have to spread out the sorrow like that, make everyone part it? I wonder if they have any idea how many people feel sick the rest of the day because of hearing something like that. When you think about it, it's not easy to hear at all. Someone was in pain, so much pain they decided to end their lives, and they wanted to be 100% sure they would succeed. Someone lost a son or a daughter. Someone lost a sibling, a loved one, a classmate, a college, a neighbor. And people sit in the train, sighing, I'm going to be home late and I'm hungry damnit! Why can't they just go and kill themselves at home? You wouldn't believe the things I've heard people say. I hardly believe it. Sometimes it takes quite a lot not to just punch them in the face.
There are two main reasons why this bothers me a lot. One is the fact that people don't seem to connect to each other anymore, which is probably also one of the reasons for some of the suicides. People think only about themselves. They don't think about helping each other. They don't see each other people's pain, or even when they do see it they don't feel inclined to do something about it. As long as it doesn't interfere with their daily lives they simply don't care. Stephen Jones said it on his album Almost Cured of Sadness in one of the interludes:
sadness does not have a home, you come home from a hard days work, the last thing you want to be confronted with is sadness, you want happiness at all cost, i don't care what you have to say, you tell me you just lost someone, people really don't give a shit, they want to hear a new song or something on TV, asshole, thats what it is, sadness does not have a home.
And it's true. We just want to watch what ever is hip and happening now. Bite sized entertainment. No personal connection. We watch the Barbie dolls parade around on TV and pretend we can all be like that if we just put on a plastic smile. We are losing our humanity. If you don't want people jumping in front of your train so you're late for the next America's Next Topmodel, maybe you should pay a bit more attention to the people around you and their needs. Maybe we should be a bit more courteous every now and then. Maybe we should say "sorry, are you okay?" next time we bump into someone instead of just thinking about ourselves and bitching at them. Maybe, if we had a minute of silence for the person who passed away on the trains instead of just the announcement that yes, we're all gonna be late for dinner, maybe there would be less people hurting. It might not seem like much, but if you pile up all the little things they become big things. The little things can sometimes make or ruin your day. Imagine what that could do on a larger scale.
The other thing is that I have been there. I never had the courage to jump in front of a train, else I wouldn't be here. And yes, it takes serious balls to do something like that. Imagine what kind of hell someone must be in to do something like that. But I have attempted suicide when I was younger, several times actually, up until my late 20's. I know to some extend how those people feel. I have many friends who have been at that point and some whom I fear for still. I had a narrow escape and got lucky. I worked very hard to get out of that and there were times I didn't think I would make it. I still have bad days every now and then and wonder what the point to it all really is. But I keep fighting and things have gotten better. I will always keep on fighting. I can't do it alone though. I need a little help from my friends, colleges, teachers etc. And from people who bump into my in the streets and say sorry and ask if I'm okay instead of giving me an angry look telling me I'm in the way and shouldn't be there. So yes, that's you. When was the last time you held a door open for someone? When did you last pick something up for someone else when they dropped it right in front of you? When did you last say thank you and have a good day to someone working in a store? Have you ever said hello to the cleaning lady at all? These are small things that we all can do. They may seem meaningless but when you are in a bad place, it's little things like this that can help you hold on a little longer and decide that yes, life is worth fighting for. And for those who are not depressed, it would still make your day a whole lot sunnier, now wouldn't it?
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Fat loss vs muscle gain vs...
A lot of people want to know if it's possible to lose fat and gain muscle at the same time. The answer is yes, but also, it depends. If someone has much more fat that they should and are a non mover (as in sit on their butt all day as most of us do, let's be honest), then it is fairly easy to lose fat and gain muscle when you first start going to the gym and changing what you eat. I've seen it in plenty of people. They sign up at a gym, start moving and within 2 months they will have lost fat mass and gained muscle. But the closer you get to your ideal body composition the harder it gets to make changes. When you have too much fat your body will be glad to get rid of it. When you are weak your body will be glad to get stronger. But if you are already lean and fit, your body likes being there, so it is less likely to change much and you really need to push it to get results.
That's all fine and dandy but a lot of the people who want to know about fat loss versus muscle gain are already within healthy range. These are mostly men who want to look like some sort of Superman. Or at least like they could be on the cover of Health Magazine. Well, then there are two ways of doing it. Either you can bulk and shred, a well proven method in bodybuilding that has been tested for years and does work. It's not easy, demands a lot of discipline and facing the bulk period can be very hard for some people because it may look like you're just getting fat instead of getting strong. Then the cutting period where you focus on losing fat mass can be pretty intense as well. And then you have to manage to maintain. I don't even want to think about that.
The other way, which hardly anyone does, is taking it easy and building up really slow. The problem is that it takes years to get where you can get within months with the bulk/shred method. And if you have the HM image in your head as a goal, you don't want to get there in 5 years, you want to get there in 5 months, or 5 weeks. Hell, 5 days if you can. Yesterday would be even better. The question is why.
Why do we want to look like that? Why do we want a six-pack and arms bigger then our heads? Is it to prove we are real men? Being a man is how you feel, not what you look like. If you think you need to have a six-pack to be a real man you need to get your head checked. Is it the obesity pandemic? Do we feel the need to prove we are healthy by being supper shredded so our spouses don't need to worry we will get fat? Is it to pick up girls for a one night stand, for instant gratification? Or because it's the only way we can compete with others and our self esteem depends on pushing a few pounds more then the guy next to us in the gym? Is it because it makes us feel like we are in control? Or simply because the media tells us this is what a man should look like? Or could it be because we have lost contact with our bodies, just as much as the obese people have and we no longer know what our most natural, healthiest and therefor happiest state really is?
I always feel like the outside should reflect the inside, not the other way around. So instead of trying to push your body into an idea someone else dreamed up, maybe you should take a good look at who you really are and what suits you best. If you take good care of your body it will live up to its potential. Stay true to your own body type which should give an indication of what your body will be good at and will enjoy. Don't deny yourself a bit of fun. Besides, recent studies have shown that most women don't like guys who are too muscular. It's like those huge plastic surgery boobs. Bigger sounds better but when it comes down to it, we really don't know what to do with them, do we? Same goes for too much muscle. If it's not functional, and it gets pretty boring after a while.
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That's all fine and dandy but a lot of the people who want to know about fat loss versus muscle gain are already within healthy range. These are mostly men who want to look like some sort of Superman. Or at least like they could be on the cover of Health Magazine. Well, then there are two ways of doing it. Either you can bulk and shred, a well proven method in bodybuilding that has been tested for years and does work. It's not easy, demands a lot of discipline and facing the bulk period can be very hard for some people because it may look like you're just getting fat instead of getting strong. Then the cutting period where you focus on losing fat mass can be pretty intense as well. And then you have to manage to maintain. I don't even want to think about that.
The other way, which hardly anyone does, is taking it easy and building up really slow. The problem is that it takes years to get where you can get within months with the bulk/shred method. And if you have the HM image in your head as a goal, you don't want to get there in 5 years, you want to get there in 5 months, or 5 weeks. Hell, 5 days if you can. Yesterday would be even better. The question is why.
Why do we want to look like that? Why do we want a six-pack and arms bigger then our heads? Is it to prove we are real men? Being a man is how you feel, not what you look like. If you think you need to have a six-pack to be a real man you need to get your head checked. Is it the obesity pandemic? Do we feel the need to prove we are healthy by being supper shredded so our spouses don't need to worry we will get fat? Is it to pick up girls for a one night stand, for instant gratification? Or because it's the only way we can compete with others and our self esteem depends on pushing a few pounds more then the guy next to us in the gym? Is it because it makes us feel like we are in control? Or simply because the media tells us this is what a man should look like? Or could it be because we have lost contact with our bodies, just as much as the obese people have and we no longer know what our most natural, healthiest and therefor happiest state really is?
I always feel like the outside should reflect the inside, not the other way around. So instead of trying to push your body into an idea someone else dreamed up, maybe you should take a good look at who you really are and what suits you best. If you take good care of your body it will live up to its potential. Stay true to your own body type which should give an indication of what your body will be good at and will enjoy. Don't deny yourself a bit of fun. Besides, recent studies have shown that most women don't like guys who are too muscular. It's like those huge plastic surgery boobs. Bigger sounds better but when it comes down to it, we really don't know what to do with them, do we? Same goes for too much muscle. If it's not functional, and it gets pretty boring after a while.
Want to stay in the loop? Like my page on facebook: https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Friday, November 2, 2012
How do you know?
Of course, I don't know everything. I research the things I'm curious about first. Things that apply to my own life more directly. Like the gluten thing. I'm so glad I cut out grains all together because my body responds so positively to it, I can not imagine going back to eating grains. There are other topics I am curious about, like yoga and meditation, or the effect of light in a workspace, about the most effective core training, the fabric of space and time and the perfect brownie recipe. But I can't read up on everything at the same time. So I'm doing things bit by bit. I think it was Buddha who said: live every day as if it's your last, learn every day as if you'll live for ever. So that's what I try to do. I keep learning, gathering information and sharing it with the people around me so they can benefit from that knowledge as well without having to put in all that time. I love learning. I'm a real nerd when it comes to that. Learning is one of the best things there are in life. And it's not that hard. All you have to do is listen to your body, or click a link, or pick up the paper and not just read it and stop there, but think about it. Think about if it's really true what they say and why. And there you have your wonder. And from wonder comes inquisition and then comes knowledge and we all know where that leads. It empowers us to become stronger, happier people. So next time your body does something you don't like, don't just take an aspirin. Ask yourself why it's doing that and if you can change it. Because if your body is functioning as best as it can, life becomes easier in so many ways. It's the little things that add up in the end.
If there are any topics you are curious about and you think I might know something about them, don't hesitate to ask. If I do know something about it or am curious about it myself anyway I'll see if I can do a bit more research on it and write a blog about it.
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