Still no cigar.

Since I started hormone treatment I have been getting my measurements done at the gym every week. I keep track of my muscle and fat mass to see how my body is responding. For a while my testosterone was too high and was being turned into estrogen. The result was a slow decrease in muscle and a slow rise in fat. The logical response was to lower my testosterone. First I went from 50mg to 30 mg but it was still too high. So my doctor suggested to cut back to 10mg. I thought that was a bit drastic but he didn't tell me in his voicemail how high it was so I had no idea how high my testosterone was. I figured he probably knew what he was doing. Alas, now it is too low. Last week my muscle mass spiked and my fat mass dropped, both by over a kilo. Clearly I had hit a sweet spot with my testosterone level for a short while. But it didn't last. My levels dropped even further and are now too low. This week I gained back even more fat then I lost last week and lost over a kilo of muscle again. Such rapid muscle loss can only be explained by low testosterone. So I need to go back up. I am getting blood work done tomorrow and will have to wait 2 weeks for the results. I'm not going to wait that long to increase my testosterone though. After my visit to the hospital I will go up to 20mg a day and see what happens with my muscle and fat mass.

I had really hoped the dosage was correct this time. Building muscle and burning fat takes up energy. And having to undo that work also takes up energy. The human body is not meant to be on a roller coaster like that. It's simply not healthy. Other then that, it's not good for my mood. Seeing my body changing the wrong way is highly frustrating when you're eating and training correctly. And then there are the effects on your mood in general. Hormones have such a huge influence on how you feel. While I was feeling more energetic for a few days now I'm really tired and quite down. I have no appetite at all while I could eat a horse a week ago. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I feel terrible. Once I increase the testosterone again I'll get restless again, agitated and won't be able to sleep. I'll still feel tired but in a different way. It will be because my body needs a lot of energy to grow again. I'm not looking forward to it. I just want this whole thing to be over. All this going up and down, up and down, it's driving me nuts. I'm running around in circles, not getting anywhere. I want to move forward. Again, time to cross our fingers and hope 20 is my lucky number. Let's see what happens.

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Testosterone is still too high.

My doctor left me a voice mail to let me know my testosterone level is still too high. He didn't say how high exactly but I'm guessing he really means way too high. He wants me to go down to using 10mg of gel a day. Normal dose is 50mg. I even know someone who uses 100mg. It seems like my skin is just super thin and absorbent. You can't really go lower then 10mg so I really hope this will do the trick. It feels almost silly rubbing that tiny bit on. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I will get bloodwork done again after two weeks and then have to wait another two weeks for the results.

Having lowered my dosage I had assumed it was fine and I figured the way I was feeling was due to stress. I have been taking some more time to myself though and it hasn't helped much. My energy levels are still low. I have trouble sleeping. I feel restless. And the nausea is still there. The excess testosterone is being turned into estrogen which probably explains the change in my body composition. Where I was gaining muscle and losing fat at first, it is now the other way around. Not very drastic, but consistent every week: a bit more fat and a bit less muscle. And that while I am working out plenty and am eating as best as I can, keeping close track on my nutrients. For a while I thought it might be because I wasn't getting enough rest to recover but now I am getting more rest things have not improved. I'm hoping lowering my testosterone will help.

It has been 3 days since I cut back to 10mg and so far I don't feel any difference. I actually feel a bit flu-ish but I have been feeling like that for weeks now. I really hope that will get better soon as well. It's driving me nuts. My body is clearly off balance. It's not very surprising. A lot is changing and it needs to find a new equilibrium. Right now my body is still fighting the hormones my ovaries are making. This doesn't make it any easier. I have been thinking about it again and right now I'm really leaning towards also getting a hysterectomy when I get my chest done. That way my body doesn't have to fight itself anymore. And then I can really move forward. It feels scary though. From what I heard from other transmen the hysterectomy is mostly heavy mentally. It's a big step. But right now I feel like it would be the best thing to do to find a proper balance. Of course, my body will have to reset hormonally again after that but then everything will be done. I'm dreading the recovery period. Not being able to go to the gym will suck. Not being able to do all the things I want to do, not being able to carry my own bloody shopping the first few days... But it will be worth it. The longer I'm on hormones the more I feel like my chest and belly are wrong. They don't fit me. They're not part of me. They don't belong there. It's strange. When I have clothes on I look more and more like myself. But when I take them off I look less and less like myself. There is only one way to fix that though. And I have to be patient for that. Right now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and figure out what to make for dinner. I think I'll have chicken.

On a lighter note: I have had my last meeting for my screening at the VUmc in Amsterdam. I can call them November 8th to see if I have green light on hormone treatment so I can start my Real Life Experience phase there. A year after that I will be able to have surgery there. This is a long time away and I don't even want to think about that. It's my safety net in case my insurance won't accept the referral from the Psycho Informa Group. I really hope they will because then I might be able to get surgery as soon as May. *crosses more fingers, and toes and what every available*

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Change of plans. (more food/gym stuff)

When will I ever shut up about food and gym related things? Probably never. Sculpting the perfect body is something that takes a lot of time. It is a custom job every time. Every body is different so you have to figure out what works for you. There are always exceptions to every sound rule. Sometimes the theory may be correct for most cases but, since the body is not a machine, it is possible you react different to something. You just have to figure out if you really are an exception, you're doing it wrong, if there are other factors that are influencing your results, or if you haven't taken enough time.

 

In my case it's either the exception indeed or there other factors. I'm talking about the cheat days for the Man 2.0 program. I do know I have a concentration disorder and that could be a factor. I still haven't completely figured out concentration disorders (I'm not a medical researcher alas) but I do know carbohydrates have a big influence on them. The idea of a cheat day is to boost fat burning hormones by eating loads and loads for one day, including a ton of carbohydrates. It's actually a really old trick in the book. People have been using that trick for ages. It works. For most people. Not for me though. I gained fat mass and lost muscle 2 weeks in a row. The opposite of the goal. I also felt horrible. The cheat days themselves were hell. The day after even worse. And it took me pretty much the rest of the week to recover and get my energy back. I felt dead tired and didn't have the energy to use the strength I had.
I have to admit things have been rather stressful lately with work in various ways so that could have something to do with it. A friend suggested it might be I'm spending too much time at the gym but that is not the case. I haven't been to Kung Fu in 3 weeks which makes me sad because I really miss it. I also haven't been doing any regular fitness. The program said I should do lots of reps with relatively low weight. That's the same type of training that focuses on red muscle tissue as you do during BodyPump which I teach so I have just been doing BodyPump. It felt silly to do the same training twice in a row. It doesn't give you the wanted results anyway. It actually would just damage my body. So that's not it. Stress and lack of sleep could be major contributers. Also I haven't been eating like I should. I had been keeping track of my marco's (fat, protein and carbohydrates) but had been too tired to cook and just ate the bare minimum, replacing meals with protein shakes. So I haven't been getting my vitamins and minerals. No wonder I'm not feeling too great.

 

But even without all those other things the cheat days made me feel poisoned and I'm sure my body just does not agree with such amounts of carbohydrates. I have always had trouble with my energy levels and concentration when I eat too much carbs. They make me feel tired and depressed. I'm pretty sure the cheat days aided to the miserable state I am in right now. I am never, ever doing it again. It just does not work for me. Right now my body feels polluted and drained of energy. I was supposed to have one last cheat day last Sunday but I skipped it. I did eat unhealthy but didn't keep track of what I ate and to be honest I'm not even sure if I reached my normal caloric need. I just couldn't be bothered.

 

Today I am pulling myself together again and am setting up a new food plan. I am moving on to the next phase in the Man 2.0 program and am forcing myself to cook today. I've had Indonesian spiced beef with bell peppers and a salmon salad with avocado and olives so far. I'm having some of that gluten free pasta that I still have left in the evening with chicken, tomato, mushroom sauce. I'm taking the day off from the gym as I have had very little sleep this weekend and am dead tired. There is no point in trying to lift heavy weights when I have trouble lifting my own body out of a chair. So tomorrow I will start training again. I hope I can undo the damage quickly and will be feeling fit and healthy again soon.

 

I do find it amazing how different people react to things like this. The theory is sound. It really is. It just doesn't work for me. Let's just say I'm special. I don't think it has anything to do with me being trans. This should be a universal thing. I did learn a lot. Especially the first cheat day was very insightful. But I also know I should be keeping carbs low, period. Every one needs carbs and I will not ban them completely, but I will limit them a lot more then most people. Now on to health! Time to fix dinner.

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