Countdown to surgery.

Yesterday I went from counting the weeks to counting the days left until my surgery. I have thirty days to go. When I first got my date I still had over 7 weeks, almost 2 months. It felt so far away I was able to put it out of mind and not get too distracted by it. Now it's getting closer. I can feel my energy levels dropping. I'm restless. I wander around my apartment. I stare out the window, watching the rain. I open the fridge but can't really bring myself to eat. I'm too tense. I try to read or to paint but have a hard time focussing. I take breaks while watching a movie. I watch nonsense on YouTube to distract me because it's stuff I don't really need to think about anyway. I'm going nuts.

I had not expected this. Not this soon anyway. But here it is non the less. This surgery basically means the end of my transition. I still need to fix my passport after that and I told myself that would be the point where it's officially over but it doesn't feel that way. The passport feels like a technicality. It's the surgery that makes it all real. That's the rebirth. That's the moment from which on my life will never be the same. That's when I can start my new life. I know that all sounds really dramatic but that's how it feels. It's one of those big markers in one's life. For most people it is the birth of their child, or a wedding, or something like that. A moment that changes your life for ever. And you know it's coming. You have that date marked on your calender. That's when it will happen.

You know what the big event will be and that it will impact your life on every level. You just don't know how. You have no way of knowing how it will affect you. Therefore there is no way you can prepare for this change. You just know it is going to happen. You just have to wait and see what happens. I could tell you I'm worried about the surgery but I'm really not. I have a great team and they will do the best they can. I could tell you I'm worried about the anaesthesia and how I will respond to that but somehow that doesn't really worry me either. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Other trans people warned me about the big black hole after transition. I hadn't expected to fall for it. Not like they meant anyway. It's about something different for me. For the past 6 years I have been working very hard on being okay. I kicked anorexia, depression, addictions, self harm. This is the last thing on that list of things I can do to make my life better. After this there is no other clear problem that I can fix to make things better for myself. What if I'm still not okay after this? I know I'm going to be stuck with the scars. From the surgery, from the self harm, from the anorexia, from everything. I still have a lot of nerve pain that never really goes away. I live with it because that's the only thing I seem to be able to do. My energy levels are still fragile compared to most people, especially when you look at how well I take care of myself. Those things won't go away. So what do you do when you have fixed everything you can fix and it's still broken?

Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have the surgery. I'm really looking forward to seeing the results and being free of those bits that are holding me back so much right now. It will be so nice to see what my chest really looks like without those weird blobs covering the muscle. I'm curious what will happen when the oestrogen is no longer holding back the effects of the testosterone. I'm going to grow a big ginger beard, just because I can! And yes, I will post a picture ;)



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Change of plans. (more food/gym stuff)

When will I ever shut up about food and gym related things? Probably never. Sculpting the perfect body is something that takes a lot of time. It is a custom job every time. Every body is different so you have to figure out what works for you. There are always exceptions to every sound rule. Sometimes the theory may be correct for most cases but, since the body is not a machine, it is possible you react different to something. You just have to figure out if you really are an exception, you're doing it wrong, if there are other factors that are influencing your results, or if you haven't taken enough time.

 

In my case it's either the exception indeed or there other factors. I'm talking about the cheat days for the Man 2.0 program. I do know I have a concentration disorder and that could be a factor. I still haven't completely figured out concentration disorders (I'm not a medical researcher alas) but I do know carbohydrates have a big influence on them. The idea of a cheat day is to boost fat burning hormones by eating loads and loads for one day, including a ton of carbohydrates. It's actually a really old trick in the book. People have been using that trick for ages. It works. For most people. Not for me though. I gained fat mass and lost muscle 2 weeks in a row. The opposite of the goal. I also felt horrible. The cheat days themselves were hell. The day after even worse. And it took me pretty much the rest of the week to recover and get my energy back. I felt dead tired and didn't have the energy to use the strength I had.
I have to admit things have been rather stressful lately with work in various ways so that could have something to do with it. A friend suggested it might be I'm spending too much time at the gym but that is not the case. I haven't been to Kung Fu in 3 weeks which makes me sad because I really miss it. I also haven't been doing any regular fitness. The program said I should do lots of reps with relatively low weight. That's the same type of training that focuses on red muscle tissue as you do during BodyPump which I teach so I have just been doing BodyPump. It felt silly to do the same training twice in a row. It doesn't give you the wanted results anyway. It actually would just damage my body. So that's not it. Stress and lack of sleep could be major contributers. Also I haven't been eating like I should. I had been keeping track of my marco's (fat, protein and carbohydrates) but had been too tired to cook and just ate the bare minimum, replacing meals with protein shakes. So I haven't been getting my vitamins and minerals. No wonder I'm not feeling too great.

 

But even without all those other things the cheat days made me feel poisoned and I'm sure my body just does not agree with such amounts of carbohydrates. I have always had trouble with my energy levels and concentration when I eat too much carbs. They make me feel tired and depressed. I'm pretty sure the cheat days aided to the miserable state I am in right now. I am never, ever doing it again. It just does not work for me. Right now my body feels polluted and drained of energy. I was supposed to have one last cheat day last Sunday but I skipped it. I did eat unhealthy but didn't keep track of what I ate and to be honest I'm not even sure if I reached my normal caloric need. I just couldn't be bothered.

 

Today I am pulling myself together again and am setting up a new food plan. I am moving on to the next phase in the Man 2.0 program and am forcing myself to cook today. I've had Indonesian spiced beef with bell peppers and a salmon salad with avocado and olives so far. I'm having some of that gluten free pasta that I still have left in the evening with chicken, tomato, mushroom sauce. I'm taking the day off from the gym as I have had very little sleep this weekend and am dead tired. There is no point in trying to lift heavy weights when I have trouble lifting my own body out of a chair. So tomorrow I will start training again. I hope I can undo the damage quickly and will be feeling fit and healthy again soon.

 

I do find it amazing how different people react to things like this. The theory is sound. It really is. It just doesn't work for me. Let's just say I'm special. I don't think it has anything to do with me being trans. This should be a universal thing. I did learn a lot. Especially the first cheat day was very insightful. But I also know I should be keeping carbs low, period. Every one needs carbs and I will not ban them completely, but I will limit them a lot more then most people. Now on to health! Time to fix dinner.

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I'm almost done with my screening.

 Two days ago I had another meeting with my gender therapist. Part of the screening is bring a friend day so I did. I brought my latest ex who I am still friends with and also work with. Currently he is one of my closest friends and we kind of helped each other discover who we are. Our friendship means a lot to me. My therapist had a few basic questions like how do you know each other, how would you describe your friendship, how do you feel about Tyler's transition and what do you actually notice about it. He did have to think quite a bit about the answers. Notice about the change? Not so much. Things make more sense and are more relaxed. He's right. It's true. Most of the time I don't really notice I'm transitioning when I'm around people. They still treat me the same mostly. They call me dude when they remember and some remember more often then others but they all try. Most of the guys I know are more laid back around me now which feels really good. The girls are all curious and want to know what's happening as if I am some sort of spy. It seems like the girls have more trouble no longer seeing me as one of them then the guys do accepting me. Funny how that works. I'm not sure why that is. Anyone have any insights on that? Feedback would be very welcome.


My therapist gave me the phone number of the psychiatrist I need to call for my second opinion. It was 5pm on Friday so I haven't been able to call yet but I will Monday morning. I only have to stop by for the last part of my life story, which should be done in one session, and the second opinion. And that's it. Then I should have the most coveted green light. I will get a letter for hormone therapy which I will have to send to the hospital and they will put me on next the waiting list. I checked again, it's still 8 weeks. This means I should be able to start hormone treatment in about June if all goes well.


Right now I'm not nervous because I am too tired. The IRS is coming over next week to check my books. I am still working on writing the training for the educators at the COC which turned out to be a lot more work then I thought. We had the first Trans*-café at the COC Leiden last night which I think was pretty successful for a first time with only 2 weeks notice. I am still waking up at 6:30 am every day and usually do get up early as I have plenty to do like teaching BodyPump this morning. I'm getting about 6 hours of sleep every night and doing that for a long time is getting to me. I still have a buckload of emails I need to look at but right now I can't focus on any of them. I'm going to try to sleep in tomorrow and see if I can stay in bed until 9am. In 2 weeks time I have crossed out my calendar so I can have some time for myself. Just the gym and some me time. Not even a nice cup of tea with someone cause this week I had social appointments with 14 people in total, some at the same time luckily. So if I say social stuff is fine I still won't have any me time at all. And I really do need this time because things are about to get seriously real really soon. I need to prepare mentally cause I'm not sure if I'm ready for this big change. I wake up with my heart racing most mornings and if I don't it takes about 5 minutes before it does. But my head is so full I don't know what's what anymore. Right now I'm going to take a short nap, have some diner and then go off to a friend's house to watch the new BodyPump DVD and eat chocolate. We deserve it.


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It's not easy being trans.

When I first came to the conclusion I would be better off being a dude I didn't realize what it all meant. The statement in itself is simple: I identify as male. But it has huge consequences. It impacts your life on every level. One of the things it affects, that most people don't realize, is the past. Suddenly everything you have done in the past has a different light on it. A friend of mine once told me, ages ago, that her boyfriend thought I had anorexia because I wanted to be a boy. It freaked me out because I felt caught. Back then wanting to be a boy was my deepest darkest secret. But it also pissed me off because he was wrong. Wrong in the way that I didn't have anorexia because I wanted to be a boy, but because I was trying to be like a girl. And clearly I failed at it. I started dawning on me a few days ago how much of my past has been determined by the fact that I am a transgender. I hated my body and tried very hard to destroy it. But I didn't want to die. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to pain to stop and this horrible thing that seemed to decide my life for me that I was stuck with, would go away. Looking back I'm amazed how little damage is left from that period, call it a life time. My teeth are bad but some people have that without throwing up all the time. The nerve damage is pretty much gone these days. Healthy diet helped a lot with that. And I have a bunch of scars on my arms, legs and torso that most people don't even notice anymore. Not bad for over 20 years of self-destructive coping devices. But that's just my body.


The mind is a totally different thing. So is time. I can't turn back time and undo those bad things and replace them with events I wish had happened instead. I can't erase that pain, the feeling of loss. Looking back it seems like it was a different person all together who did those things, who lived that life. It wasn't me. It was some sort of alter ego that I created to survive in this world that would judge me for what I seemed to be but was not. When I look back I see this scared little girl, hurting and lonely, and there is nothing I can do to help her, because she isn't real. She never had a chance. And now she is gone and I am here. But I am left with her pain, her trauma, her memories of blood filled nights and the cold hard floor underneath her knees in front of the toilet bowl. I can not make that go away. I thought I had put it behind me, that I had moved on and in a way I have. I just hadn't looked at it from a trans perspective yet and that makes a lot of difference. It all makes a lot more sense now. It also feels more useless. If only... But no such thing. I missed out on most of my childhood because of this, my puberty and adolescence. My early adulthood is overshadowed by my transition process. And what will happen after that? Right now I'm afraid I'll never be a real man, even though I know I already am, boobs and all. But I will never have been a boy growing up, I will not have a past as a man. I will have to start from scratch from here on, as if I was a foreigner moving to a different country. The Land of Man. And I can try to fit in as much as I want but I will always be different. I will always be castrated, no matter what.


So right now I am trying to deal with this. I am mourning. Mourning for my past self who never had a chance at all, and for my future self, for I will never be truly whole.



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Relax will ya?

I came across this text on facebook a while ago and reposted it on my wall. I knew at that time it was something I should write a bit about because it is so bloody true. It's not easy to relax. Most people don't have a clue how to do it. Relaxing is the opposite of tension, not just the absence. It goes way beyond just the absence of tension. You have to move past that point. But most people don't even know how to let go of tension in the first place. They are wired 24/7 and don't even realize it.

Stress is common these days. Actually, it's normal. If you're not stressed you're doing something weird, or even wrong. How can you not be stressed when there are bills to be paid, jobs to uphold, expectations to be met. And these days everyone knows everything everyone does because we have become our own Big Brothers thanks to facebook and other social media. Yes, I have yielded to that one just like the rest of you, but I make sure it doesn't run my life. It's hard though, being in charge of your own life. We let the crowd lead us into temptation and pretend it's all okay because we don't know what else to do. But are we happy? Not as happy as we could be. We worry too much. We don't take time to relax. Even if we would be able to find the time (read make time) we still wouldn't know how.


Here's a question. Why should we? Everything is fine the way it is, right? We all know that's not true. We all know deep down that something, at some point, has got to give. We can't keep this up. When a rubber band is constantly stretched at some point it can't bounce back anymore. We are getting close to that point and when we do, the band will snap and lord knows what will happen to us. And it's not just about preventing damage. It's like with medication and nutrition. Medication is sick care, it takes care of the sickness and that's it. Proper nutrition makes a person healthy and is therefor health care. Relaxation does the same thing. It's goal is not just to take away the stress,  but also to create a different state of being where you are more balanced, resilient and feel more content. If you'd ask me I'd say happiness is being content so what more could you ask for?


So, how the hell do you relax? That's a good question, and a difficult one. To be honest it differs for a lot of people. Some people love the pling plong ocean breeze music you can get one meditation CD's. Others hate that stuff. You'll have to try a bunch of different things and see what happens, see what fits you best. I know people who love relaxing in the shower. They just stand there with their eyers closed and let the water run over their bodies and let all the tension wash off of them. I must say I find that quite comfortable as well but I shower at the gym most days so that's a bit unpractical then. You can also lie down like I have people do at the end of a BodyBalance class. A lot of yoga classes end that way. It's an official yoga pose, lying flat on your back, arms and legs slightly away from your body, letting everything become soft and relaxed, emptying your mind. But not all of us have that option. But if you can discipline yourself you can even train to relax while you are commuting to or from work on public transport. Sit, close your eyes and feel your body, feel your breath, and be aware. That's all there is to it really. Just be aware. Be in the moment and be yourself. Be you. I know, I make it sound so simple. I know it's not. It takes a lot of practice. I have been meditating, or relaxing, or being aware, in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, every morning for 10 minutes for over a week again after not having done that in ages. It's not easy at all. I used to be pretty good at it so I know I can do it again. But it takes time. I'm starting to get the hang of it again but I have spend a lot of time in the past focusing on this so I do remember a few tricks that I can apply that seem to work for me personally.
Like I said, it's different for everyone. Try a few things and let me know what works for you. I can always use a bit of inspiration and you might help others get some new ideas as well.

I'll be posting little bits of inspiration on my facebook page so keep an eye out if you'd like to get inspired.

A personal note.

Just like everyone else I am as human as you can get. This means I am not a fluffy ball of positive energy bouncing around making other people smile all the time. I wish I was but alas, nu such thing. I have been trying to call the gender team in Amsterdam all week. You can only call them between 9 and 12 and every time I call the line is busy or they have switched on the answering machine already. I want to know where I am with the waiting list. It's frustrating to be out and everything and have nothing happening. I'm afraid other people might think it was just some brain fart and I got over it and am now pretending I didn't say anything. I still very much want to start hormone treatment and get chest surgery. Just thinking about how long I probably still have to wait is driving me nuts. I find it hard to expect people to take this seriously while nothing is really changing. On the other hand, I am still convinced this shouldn't be a big deal as I will still be the same person as far as we don't continuously change anyway. All very confusing and frustrating. I'm not sure what I want to happen. I want the whole process of transitioning to be over so I can just be who I am and be done with it. This lingering is not doing me any good. Lately I have been feeling drained. It's like I have been put on hold and can't move on with things. I wish it was something in my head and I could do something to get things moving again but unfortunately it's true.


Autumn is not helping. It's getting darker again and this weekend the clock is moving an hour back so it will be dark longer in the morning. I don't mind the dark in the evening. The mornings is what I find hardest. If I have to get up and there is no sun I feel tired the rest of the day. I should take a look at a daylight lamp. I've heard it can really help. Other then that I have started a new morning ritual. I kept coming across this whole drinking lemon water in the morning and the theory sounds good. So I'm trying that. It sure does kick start your bowels so you get a clean start in the morning. I've been doing it for a week now and so far to be honest I just feel more tired. I'm guessing it's the spring cleaning effect. First things just seem to get worse as all the bad stuff that has been hiding under the bed and in drawers is all coming out and need to be taken care of. So I am giving it a bit longer, at least a month, to see what happens. I'm calling it my sour-Zen project as I am combining it with meditating in the morning. I hadn't done that in ages so I need to practice again. It's not like riding a bicycle it seems. Right now I'm just taking 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like long but when you have a million things rushing around in your head all asking for your attention it feels like for ever. I'm getting better at shutting up and just being though. Eventually I should have some proper balance in my head again. I'll post an update on facebook every now and then to let you all know how I'm doing on this.

If you have any more tips for me on how to survive the dark ages and the endless waiting list I'd much appreciate it.

Negative forces.

We all have them. People in our lives who just suck the energy right out of you. Somehow it seems unavoidable. Every now and then they just pop up again. The tricky thing is that at first you don't really notice. Or you think it can't be that bad and you'll deal with it. So that's what you do, you try to deal with it and ignore the signals. Slowly things get worse, day after day, week after week. It's a slow process and you hardly notice it happening. And one day you wake up and realize you are stressed out of your hatter and can't pin point why. It takes a while to figure out what this negative force in your life is. Because it happened so slowly you hardly notice. But if you take a good look around and ask yourself the right questions, you'll track them down. You will be able to recognize the person who is sucking the life right out of you. And then, you need to deal with it.


This is often a lot more difficult to do then most people think. If something hurts, then you should just stop doing it. But what if that person is your partner? Or your mother? Or your boss? Do you simply tell them to shove it and walk away? You will most likely have invested time, effort, money and emotionally into this person. They are part of your life. But even if they are not that important to you personally and it wouldn't effect your life in such ways as quiting your job or getting a divorce, it can still be hard. Does it make you a bad person to just dump someone? What will they say and how will they feel? Fact is, you are the most important person in your life. If you're not, then you have some serious soul searching to do. You have to do what is right for you. Usually, when someone if draining you and you tell them to go away, they will find someone else to drain. You don't need to worry about them so much. They can take care of their own needs without you just fine, just like they have been doing by leeching off you. They weren't being friends. They used you, whether they were aware of it or not.


But what about your hubby? Or your boss? What to do about them? First you better make sure they are really at fault before you do anything. Ask yourself the right questions, ask them the right questions and weigh their answers. Are they aware of what they are doing? Can you make them aware? And if you can and do, can they fix it? And will they? In situations like this it is important to give them a fair chance, to give the relationship a fair change, and your career of course. If the other person realizes that they are at fault and they tell you they are willing to help make things better it doesn't mean they can just give you false hope, or buy you dinner once and then go back to beating you. They have to make changes that last. If they don't, confront them again and see if things get better. If they still don't change the things you really need to change, it's time to move on.


I have having trouble with the manager at the gym where I was working. He was chaotic and inconsistent. He told people what ever they wanted to hear just to get them off his back and then break his promises. He is also a bad listener and would sometimes even just walk off while you were speaking to him. Personally I think he's on the verge of having a major meltdown. He walks around with this hollow face and blank stare. It's worrying. It's also extremely frustrating to work for someone who doesn't know what's going on in his own gym while things are falling apart and he doesn't fix anything. He goes for short term solutions, pissing people off in the long run. He just hired a new girl to replace one of the girls who had a front desk job but he told the girl she could do personal training and stuff because that's what she wants. But he hired her for the front desk. I warned her not to get her hopes up and I wonder how long it's going to take before she gets bored, angry, or both. I sure as hell was. I was bored and angry. Those two usually go hand in hand for me. If I'm stuck in a place where I'm bored and can't grow and learn new things. When I'm not challenged, I get angry and frustrated. So I had started looking for other opportunities to learn, other gyms where I would find the challenge that I need. I had planned on leaving things in a decent manner without shouting or hard feelings. No such luck. He managed to push my buttons by bitching at me and I threw in the towel. Well, my personal trainer shirt actually. Quite literally though. If felt good. It's a weight off my back and I can finally breath again. On the other hand, all the stress that had been building up is coming out now and I'm noticing how tired I really am. I'm going to take the time I had scheduled to work for myself to regain my energy. Lord knows I need it. This means I will have plenty time to catch up on some reading, doing a bit of painting and meditating. I feel better already.

It's a sign!

One of the problems people have today is that they are no longer in contact with their own bodies. They don't understand the signals their bodies are giving them. In the long run this can lead to obesity, burn outs, heart attacks and lord knows what. Nothing pretty I assure you. The body doesn't really discriminate between types of stress. Most people can't feel the difference between hunger and thirst. Deadlines can set off the same type of triggers in the brain as an angry bear. So between us not listening to our bodies and our bodies not always being too clear on what the hell is going on, it is understandable we are pretty clueless as to how we should treat our bodies.

What we need to do is learn to listen and then to learn to respond appropriately. Easier said then done. What I have found helpful is to stop and think. When ever you are craving something it's a sign. When you feel like having steak it usually means your body wants protein. When you are craving crisps it could be something else though. It could be the salt, the carbs or the fat or that little additive they are said to put in there to make it addictive, or it could just be habit. Which one is it? Stop. And think. Which one? It could even be you're not craving food at all but comfort and you would be much better off with a genuine hug. As the orphanages during and right after the second world war discovered, you can give a baby shelter and food and clean nappies, but if you don't pick it up and give it a hug, it will die anyway. People need love as much as they need oxygen. So if you want a healthy lifestyle replacing crisps with hugs is one of the best things you can do.

People tend to eat what they think they crave but often they misinterpret the signals. Probably the most common signal read as need for sugary and/or fatty foods is stress. Everybody does it. I do to. You really don't want to know how much chocolate I have been eating lately. It's horrible. And now my teeth ache. Not because of the chocolate but because I have been grinding them at night while I sleep. Gee, stressed much? Just a little. Eating chocolate is not a bad thing. You can have a cube every day if you want. Just not a whole bar every day. I measured my fat% again last weekend and it went up quite a bit. I guess that's what I needed to pull myself together and get a grip on things. To say Stop! and think. What am I so stressed about? A lot of things actually and that makes it harder to deal with. There isn't just one solution. It's going to take quite a bit to get things organized the way I want them. It would be nice if things were a bit more clear at work but it looks like I'll just have to accept a temporary solution. So be it. On a brighter note I have been accepted as the new coordinator at the trans initiative here in town. This means more work but at least I will have the feeling I'm making a difference. I guess that is a way of getting a hug, knowing that what you do matters to someone. That would be much better then chocolate indeed.