Rebalancing my hormones one more time.

Last week I mentioned I was feeling the testosterone a lot again. So far that has only gotten worse. It really does feel like it did when I first started testosterone. I remember suddenly understanding why teen aged boys were complaining all the time. And once again I really do. It's all very impractical.
I wake up early because I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. I could eat non stop and I would if I wasn't so nauseous again. In the morning it's not so bad but in the afternoon it sometimes gets so bad I feel the need to lie down and wait for it to pass. Eating in the evening is difficult but sine I'm so bloody hungry I still do. Three cheers for protein shakes. They're a real lifesaver at the moment.
My energy levels and concentration fluctuate a lot. I've been trying to work but it's far from easy. I can't stay focussed for very long most of the time and am tempted to just crawl back into bed. But not at night. When I actually should be sleeping I am wide awake, tossing and turning. I allow myself to stay in bed late by my standards and didn't get up until 9:30 this morning. I also take naps in the afternoon if I can't push myself to do anything useful anyway. I know my body needs to get used to not having any oestrogen at all any more and this will pass. I'm trying to listen to what my body needs as best I can but it's frustrating. It would be nice if my body would agree to get that sleep at a more convenient time. I have no idea how long this will last but there is nothing I can do about it.
One of the things my body needs a lot of food and rest for is my muscles. After not training at all for 2 months your body gets a bit of a shock anyway when you start working out again. But with the new hormonal balance it's even stronger. My muscles want to grow and so far every time I did a BodyPump class I was able to put a bit extra on my barbell. I'm not getting very sore at all which is good I guess. I'm trying not to up my weights too fast even though it is very tempting. When I was still figuring out the right dosage for my testosterone my muscle mass and fat mass fluctuated too much and I ended up with a shoulder injury. I don't want that to happen again so I'm making sure I'm going easy on my joins. They need time to get used to the extra strain. I really can't wait to get to proper weights again though. I can finally create the body I've always wanted.

Getting back to work is harder then I had thought. It has been a while since I completely focussed on my own creative processes. The past few years I have been so busy with other things, like running the gallery, I didn't have much time for my own stuff. Now I've had time to think about what I really want in life I have decided to give myself another chance and really go for it. After painting abstract for about a decade I am going back to more figurative work so this means I'm back to drawing. Only slightly frustrating as I used to be pretty good at it but am not quite rusty. I'm practising the basics again, doing model drawing from a book, which I see as a necessary evil right now. Once things get better it will start being fun again I'm sure. And then I can paint again.
I am at my fourth set up for my book on my transition and feel like I finally have something that could work. I had planned to use this blog as a base to work from but copy pasting large passages seems pointless. People can just read the blog then. Right now it is taking on a novel like shape. Page one of chapter one seems finished right now but I still have about 300 pages or more to go so it's very well possible I'll rewrite that page or move it at some point. It feels good to have started though. I'm really curious where this will take me. I have started writing so many novels when I was younger but never actually finished one. This would be the first. It's a new life indeed.

Pictures of my work can be found on my Facebook page.

Oh my... hair!

When you start testosterone treatment several things tend to happen. I already told you about how my body composition and my voice changed. One of the things most people ask me when they haven't seen me for a while is: do you have a beard yet? This is actually a question I don't mind so much as I would really like to have a nice big beard. There is one thing that people usually don't realize though. When you start using testosterone you get more hair, period. Like, everywhere! And this was something I wasn't looking forward to at all. I didn't want to get hairy all over. Luckily this is something that happens gradually. You don't go to bed smooth and wake up a bear the next morning. It's not like Kafka's beetle. This means you have time to get used to it. Opinions among transmen vary. Some really dislike the extra hair but it seems like a lot of them are quite eager for it. I'm guessing this has to do with personal taste for some part, but probably also with passability. My spelling checker doesn't think that's a word. I wish it was right.

Now what's weird about this? If you google Men's health cover you might notice something. They are all as smooth as a baby's bottom. And Men's Health is the standard of how a guy should look, right? Then why do all these transguys want to be hairy?


It does seem that body hair on a man is coming back. Maybe it started with the movember movement. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the bear scene that is becoming more prominent. They had their own Bear Pride in Amsterdam this year for the first time which I think is awesome.


And then I head about the Don't Risk Dudeness ads by Feet.

The campaign was taken down rather quickly because it was deemed sexist. And right they were. But it did give me some idea of why a lot of transguys are comparing how much hair they have. Whether you like body hair or not, one thing is certain: it's not feminine. And therefor it must be masculine. And masculine is good.

It took me a while to realize I see it the same way. I used to shave absolutely everything. I like the smooth feeling of it, true. But mostly it was because I was afraid people would label me as masculine. I was afraid of getting caught. When you're in an unclear state during your transition you cling onto every little thing you can to make clear to the world what you are. So you grow hair anywhere you can, to ensure dudeness.

Right now I only shave my face. Not very often though. It will be a while before I will be able to grow a proper beard. Things are happening though. I'm not sure how hairy the rest of my body will become. It's hairier then before, that's for sure. But I'm not a bear. Not yet anyway. There is no way to tell if I ever will be until I am. Because I used to be so afraid of body hair it took me a while to be okay with it. I am now. I don't really care either way. If it grows, it grows. If it doesn't. it doesn't. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. I could shave again but I totally understand now why part time drag queens often don't shave. Male hair is much thicker and nastier and there is more of it. And really, I can't be bothered. I'm fine the way I am. It's my body and I am getting more and more comfortable in it now it can finally do what it really wants to do. And if it wants to be fuzzy, then let it be fuzzy. If it doesn't, then that's fine too.

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So what happens next?

It’s been a while since I posted my last blog. People have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Or more precise: what’s the next project? How about finishing my transition first? I have been forgetting that actually takes a lot of time and mental space as well. Now I do have time to think about these things a lot has been happening inside my head. Surgery is starting to get real as well. This week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get the last signature for my referral letter. Three weeks after that I am seeing my surgeons to discuss the options and my wants and needs. After that there is a waiting list of 4 to 6 weeks. So after 10 weeks at the most I will have had my surgery. The way time has flown by the past few months it feels like it could be tomorrow almost. I’m starting to get nervous in a way you do just before you go on a holiday. I’m trying not to expect too much. Someone asked me how I think I will look after the surgery. I have no idea. I don’t think about it because I can’t know until about a year after the surgery and I have completely healed and my hormones have settled etc. All I can do now is hope for the best and see what happens. It’s weird to be thinking about things like nipples. Most people take them for granted. They’re just there. But now I have to decide if I want my surgeon to do something with them or not. I’m not 100% sure yet. I’ll wait and see what she says. She’s the expert in the end. I don’t feel the need to have them reduced right now but they look quite different on my chest the way things are anyway so it’s hard to tell.

I have decided to have the hysterectomy. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. There are several reasons for this:

I don’t plan on having kids anyway so I don’t need a uterus.

Hormone treatment increases cancer risks and I don’t really feel like getting cancer.

And, last but not least, the estrogen I’m still producing is counterproductive.

People seem to think that more testosterone means less estrogen and yes, if all is well your ovaries become less active. Not always though. People have been calling me miss again lately in stores. I noticed my body and face had been changing again the wrong way around. I used a bit of extra testosterone for about a week and now seem to be back on track again. In the meantime the extra hair did expand. My voice is also still slowly changing. So the testosterone is doing its work. But when the fat distribution makes my face look more feminine people still misgender me. It’s rather frustrating and I really can't wait to get rid of the estrogens so I can really start looking like myself. I’m getting closer but I know I’m still not there.

Another thing that happens is that people think I’m much younger then I am. I’m 35 and I usually don’t mind if people think I’m a bit younger but when someone thinks I’m 17 I really don’t know how to respond. This really happened two days ago. I’m still amazed. And of course this happens right at the moment when I start to be okay with being an adult. I know that sounds silly but that happens to all of us. We all feel like we are going to be young forever and then, one day, we wake up and we find we are supposed to be adults. We don’t know how that happens, but it does. Just like that. When you’re young you think it’s something that happens to other people and that they will know how to deal with it when the time comes. But I’m guessing there are quite a few people who don’t. Or at least, at first. I guess it’s about attitude, how you deal with things. I think I have grown quite a bit lately in that aspect. Even though I don’t have some sort of job anymore I feel more in control of my life. I finally have time to paint again and I have started to write a book. It feels great to be able to make my own schedule and do things at my own pace. I keep forgetting I don’t work well with deadlines and a packed calendar. I need space to breathe. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking responsibility for my own life. If that isn’t a grown up thing to do, I don’t know what is. 

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Well, something is happening. (testosterone level should be good now)

Well, I was right. My doctor called last week and confirmed that my testosterone was too low. It was 9.9 in the morning while it should be between 11 and 30. Between 15 and 18 is ideal. And since it drops during the day 9.9 to start with is not enough. No wonder I was changing back. So now I'm at 20mg of gel a day and my body is reacting all right. Holly smokes.

The first two weeks I didn't notice much change but it takes time to get to the right level. And then I got the flu. Usually that means I'm in bed for 2 days and then it takes me another 3 to pull myself together. That's all. It's been over a week now and I still feel far from fit. I spend 12 hours a night in bed and fall asleep on the sofa several times a day. My body is sore all over. My muscles, joints and tendons hurt. I'm hungry and light headed but I have trouble eating. I don't really feel nauseous but my stomach still protests when I try to eat. As a result I ate a lot of crap last week and gained fat which I'm not happy about. Yes, I'm sure, I got measured last Monday. What's even more frustrating is that I'm not gaining any muscle so I have no idea why everything hurts so much. I have to admit I haven't been to the gym in over a week either. All I can manage is a bit of yoga at home and that's all. When I did go to get measured I just sat in the sauna for a bit and went home.

Something is happening though and it is taking up a lot of energy. My concentration is terrible and having a hard time getting anything done. Typing this is taking a lot longer then it should as well. Three cheers for the spelling checker. I'm really curious about what is happening inside of me. On the surface I don't see much happening. Maybe it's in my head, the change. A friend of mine asked if I noticed any difference in thinking. She was referring to the idea that women tend to have a wider horizon while men tend to focus on single goals more. Both valid strategies, just very different. And to be honest, I have been looking at things a bit differently lately. I have been thinking about long term goals a lot more and about the things that I do that do not contribute to those goals. By weeding those out I am making more space for my bigger goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am purely thinking this way because of the testosterone. It might be helping, but it would be weird to say that that's the reason. I think the main reason why I am able to say to myself that yes, this really is what I want to aim for and yes, I can and will do it, is because I am turning into me. Until now I was constantly busy trying to be something I wasn't and trying to convince myself and the rest of the world that I was succeeding at that. This meant that trying to be a good girl came first before anything. It took up so much space there wasn't any room left for me. And now that burden has lifted and suddenly I don't have any excuses anymore to not pursue my dreams. And what is it that I want? I want to paint. It's as simple as that. But it's not all. I want my work to be in the frecking MoMa and the Tate and Booijmans. So yeah, that's kinda big. But lots of other people have managed it, so why not me? I'll never know if I can make it until I try.

Here's a little detail of one of the paintings I have been working on lately.

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Oh my... Voice.

Today it is exactly 4 months since I started on testosterone. I'm hoping I finally have my dosage right. It does feel like it but I will have to wait quite a while before any blood tests will confirm this. So right now I'm just hoping for the best.

Of course things have been changing. Little things but noticeable things. At least, that's what people tell me. You walk around in your own body 24/7 so sometimes it's hard to tell. That's why you need a little help every now and then. Especially with your voice because it sounds totally different in your heard. Everyone that isn't used to hearing their own voice recorded thinks it sounds weird outside their head. And when your voice lowers you first feel it vibrating in your chest. After a while you get used to it and you don't feel it anymore. But first you get the impression your voice sounds super deep and heavy, even if the difference is minor. So let's hear it then and see if there is a difference.

This first link goes to the interview a friend if mine did with me the summer of 2012. Long before I started treatment and I was only just starting my journey. I still had a lot of questions and wasn't sure where I was going yet. I had only just come out and had no clear idea of what was going to happen.


This second link is from a radio interview I did with Chris, my college at Noodweer, for the radio. So there's no pictures alas. But you can hear the difference. It's not much, but it is something. I start talking at 1:24. The first person is the interviewer of course and the second voice is Chris.

It's still the same voice, only different. It's the same with everything. It's still me, only different. The changes are small but significant. I'll post some mugshots later. Don't expect too much because that too is only a small difference. But enough to make it count.

Let me know what you think. I'm always curious how other people see these things.

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Still no cigar.

Since I started hormone treatment I have been getting my measurements done at the gym every week. I keep track of my muscle and fat mass to see how my body is responding. For a while my testosterone was too high and was being turned into estrogen. The result was a slow decrease in muscle and a slow rise in fat. The logical response was to lower my testosterone. First I went from 50mg to 30 mg but it was still too high. So my doctor suggested to cut back to 10mg. I thought that was a bit drastic but he didn't tell me in his voicemail how high it was so I had no idea how high my testosterone was. I figured he probably knew what he was doing. Alas, now it is too low. Last week my muscle mass spiked and my fat mass dropped, both by over a kilo. Clearly I had hit a sweet spot with my testosterone level for a short while. But it didn't last. My levels dropped even further and are now too low. This week I gained back even more fat then I lost last week and lost over a kilo of muscle again. Such rapid muscle loss can only be explained by low testosterone. So I need to go back up. I am getting blood work done tomorrow and will have to wait 2 weeks for the results. I'm not going to wait that long to increase my testosterone though. After my visit to the hospital I will go up to 20mg a day and see what happens with my muscle and fat mass.

I had really hoped the dosage was correct this time. Building muscle and burning fat takes up energy. And having to undo that work also takes up energy. The human body is not meant to be on a roller coaster like that. It's simply not healthy. Other then that, it's not good for my mood. Seeing my body changing the wrong way is highly frustrating when you're eating and training correctly. And then there are the effects on your mood in general. Hormones have such a huge influence on how you feel. While I was feeling more energetic for a few days now I'm really tired and quite down. I have no appetite at all while I could eat a horse a week ago. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I feel terrible. Once I increase the testosterone again I'll get restless again, agitated and won't be able to sleep. I'll still feel tired but in a different way. It will be because my body needs a lot of energy to grow again. I'm not looking forward to it. I just want this whole thing to be over. All this going up and down, up and down, it's driving me nuts. I'm running around in circles, not getting anywhere. I want to move forward. Again, time to cross our fingers and hope 20 is my lucky number. Let's see what happens.

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Testosterone is still too high.

My doctor left me a voice mail to let me know my testosterone level is still too high. He didn't say how high exactly but I'm guessing he really means way too high. He wants me to go down to using 10mg of gel a day. Normal dose is 50mg. I even know someone who uses 100mg. It seems like my skin is just super thin and absorbent. You can't really go lower then 10mg so I really hope this will do the trick. It feels almost silly rubbing that tiny bit on. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I will get bloodwork done again after two weeks and then have to wait another two weeks for the results.

Having lowered my dosage I had assumed it was fine and I figured the way I was feeling was due to stress. I have been taking some more time to myself though and it hasn't helped much. My energy levels are still low. I have trouble sleeping. I feel restless. And the nausea is still there. The excess testosterone is being turned into estrogen which probably explains the change in my body composition. Where I was gaining muscle and losing fat at first, it is now the other way around. Not very drastic, but consistent every week: a bit more fat and a bit less muscle. And that while I am working out plenty and am eating as best as I can, keeping close track on my nutrients. For a while I thought it might be because I wasn't getting enough rest to recover but now I am getting more rest things have not improved. I'm hoping lowering my testosterone will help.

It has been 3 days since I cut back to 10mg and so far I don't feel any difference. I actually feel a bit flu-ish but I have been feeling like that for weeks now. I really hope that will get better soon as well. It's driving me nuts. My body is clearly off balance. It's not very surprising. A lot is changing and it needs to find a new equilibrium. Right now my body is still fighting the hormones my ovaries are making. This doesn't make it any easier. I have been thinking about it again and right now I'm really leaning towards also getting a hysterectomy when I get my chest done. That way my body doesn't have to fight itself anymore. And then I can really move forward. It feels scary though. From what I heard from other transmen the hysterectomy is mostly heavy mentally. It's a big step. But right now I feel like it would be the best thing to do to find a proper balance. Of course, my body will have to reset hormonally again after that but then everything will be done. I'm dreading the recovery period. Not being able to go to the gym will suck. Not being able to do all the things I want to do, not being able to carry my own bloody shopping the first few days... But it will be worth it. The longer I'm on hormones the more I feel like my chest and belly are wrong. They don't fit me. They're not part of me. They don't belong there. It's strange. When I have clothes on I look more and more like myself. But when I take them off I look less and less like myself. There is only one way to fix that though. And I have to be patient for that. Right now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and figure out what to make for dinner. I think I'll have chicken.

On a lighter note: I have had my last meeting for my screening at the VUmc in Amsterdam. I can call them November 8th to see if I have green light on hormone treatment so I can start my Real Life Experience phase there. A year after that I will be able to have surgery there. This is a long time away and I don't even want to think about that. It's my safety net in case my insurance won't accept the referral from the Psycho Informa Group. I really hope they will because then I might be able to get surgery as soon as May. *crosses more fingers, and toes and what every available*

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Cheat day 2. Oh my!

Last Sunday I had my second cheat day. If you want to know why I'm doing this and how the first cheat day went, check THIS blog post.

This time I went for complex carbs as in starches. I was hoping I would feel less bad eating slow carbs and to some extend I was right. My concentration wasn't as bad as the week before. I also didn't feel so incredibly hungry all the time. Since I was aiming to eat close to 7000 calories that was actually a problem. The first time I was hungry all the time so I would continue to eat. This time I had to remind myself. I also felt full quite a lot. I absolutely love sushi but it really does make you feel full so I had to stop eating and wait for a while before I could continue. I found gluten/wheat free cookies and ate 4 packs of different types during the day. Those were relatively easy to munch away on but I really noticed they did have processed sugars in them as I would get a sharp headache after eating them. Luckily that would go away after a while again and didn't linger like it had the week before. I also didn't feel shaky. I just felt full. Really full. In the evening I made gluten free pasta with tomato sauce. I could not get it down. I really tried but I just couldn't manage it. I felt so full and was afraid that if I would force myself to eat it I would throw up. I managed some more crisps but not all of them either. In the end I ate 5,716 calories which was 1,200 calories less then the week before.

In some ways it was the total opposite of the week before. I didn't have sharp headaches. I didn't feel shaky and dizzy. I didn't feel insanely hungry. I did feel full, really full. Where my insides felt toxic the first week this time they felt sticky and filthy. My bowels were not happy at all. When I went to bed and laid down I had a hard time not throwing up. Again it took ages to fall asleep and I woke up a bunch of times. I didn't sweat as much as the week before though so that was less bad.

The day after was also different in some ways but the final result was pretty much the same: I felt horrible. In the morning I just had a dull headache which was better then the sharp one I had the week before. I managed to stop by the hospital to get some blood work done without much trouble. I felt tired and groggy but nothing I couldn't handle. But when I came home early afternoon I pretty much collapsed. I started feeling really shaky and faint and dead tired. I ended up on the sofa for 2 hours before I managed to make myself a cup of tea. And I started to feel hungry. The first time I had no trouble not eating the next day but this time I actually got worried I would fall over if I didn't eat something. In the end I gave in and had some nuts. I still had a meeting in the evening so I couldn't just go to bed. Maybe it was because I had eaten 1,200 calories less then I had aimed for. Maybe my entire system just backfired. Or maybe your body just wants you to keep on eating again the next day to get in as much carbs as possible before winter comes.

Fast sugars were somewhat worse on the day itself but less bad the day after. Slow sugars were not too bad on the day itself, though at the end it got somewhat unpleasant, but the day after was horrible. If I would have to choose which one to do again I would prefer not to at all. They were both terrible in their own ways. In reality most people combine these two types of food and I can see how that can create some sort of balance and a vicious cycle. I also felt how unhealthy it is and can cause a lot of damage in the long run. The human body is not meant to do this every day.

Next week I am going to try to do this Paleo style. I'm not sure yet how I will manage to get in enough carbs that way but I am going to try. I should probably check my friends page on facebook . She has loads of Paleo recipes for desserts and such. Like Paleo apple pie! And Paleo brownies! Now that I am looking forward to. If it doesn't contain enough carbs I'll just add a spoon of honey. I'm sure I can live with that.

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Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha.

Five weeks ago I started a program called Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha. It's an American program designed for overweight non movers (people who don't work out and walk about 5000 paces a day). The goal is to lose fat mass of course but mostly it is meant to reset your hormones. It should boost testosterone, repress estrogen and cortisol (the stress hormone) and reset your hunger hormones and fat burning hormones. All in all it should make you feel fitter, stronger, more energetic and happier. It should also make you look better. I know that I have female plumbing but I also know that there are transmen who try to become more masculine all on their own, without synthetic hormones. And some of them succeed very well. I have noticed the synthetic testosterone that I am taking is still making me nauseas. Plus, it's a nuisance to have to remember it all the time. Most of all, I prefer not to be dependent on doctors and my insurance in order to be able to be myself. Right now my meds are still covered but they are cutting back on every possible thing here in Holland and I heard rumor that the psychiatry for the screening is on the shit list. The less medication I need the better. So I decided to try this program.

The first few weeks I just felt horrible. I talked to some friends about it who know quite a bit about this sort of stuff as well and realized I had forgotten a tiny detail: I'm not a non mover. Those 5000 steps a day I already spend inside my house. I don't have a car. I ride my bike to the gym or walk. I stand many hours a day. I also teach BodyPump, do kung fu and yoga. All those things count. If I would stick to the calories the program told me to I would have only 90 calories a day for all those activities, spending the rest on my basic metabolism (this is the energy you need to not die, as in keep your heart beating, breathing, that sort of thing). No wonder I wasn't feeling well. So I started eating more and indeed my fat mass dropped and my muscle increased.

The program is divided into 4 phases, each lasting one month. I am now in phase two which includes cheat days. During a cheat day basically you just binge all day long. The reason behind this is to boost certain hormones that become too low when you are eating a bit below your maintenance need, slowing down your fat loss. Most of the time you eat low carb (sugar) but this day it's all about the carbs. Normally I eat less then 100 grams of carbs a day which really isn't a lot. But on a cheat day you take in loads and loads. There are several ways to do this. I have 3 cheat days so I decided to try 3 different methods. Cheat day 1: processed sugars. Cheat day 2: slow carbs like starches. Cheat day 3: Paleo, eating lots of fruit and such. I wonder if I will feel different on different types of carbs.

So how did cheat day 1 go? And what did I eat? Here is the list:

25 g dark chocolate: 131 cals

250 g negerzoenen: 933 cals (Officially they are called zoenen these days as they used to be called nigger kisses and that was racist so they changed it. In the US I think they are called angel kisses. In Germany Schaumküsse. At least everyone agrees on the kissing part.)

4 tompoezen: 1152 cals (see right image)

600 g huzaren salad: 1020 cals

75 g white chocolate: 406 cals

216 g nougat: 900 cals

75 g butterscotch chocolate: 490 cals

1 piece of brownie: 264 cals

100 g chocolate raisins: 388 cals

200 g Brie: 676 cals

125 g cassava crisps: 613 cals

Total calories: 6973

I had expected to feel sick but I didn't. I was really surprised. I had expected to feel full and my bowels did but my stomach didn't. I kept feeling hungry all day. Even though I did get a bit queasy I had no trouble continuing eating because I felt so hungry. I hadn't felt that hungry in ages. It was like trying to fill a bottomless pit. In the evening I had about 2000 calories left and I felt slightly panicked because I knew I would still be hungry. I've always wondered how people get obese. Now I know. When you eat loads and loads of carbs you just feel more and more hungry. It's horrible.

Other then the constant hunger I had trouble concentrating, not understanding what people said all the time and constructing sentences took a lot of effort. If I would have had to drive I surely would have caused an accident. I felt slightly spaced out and shaky all the time. This feeling continued throughout the next day. I had a hard time falling asleep, feeling restless. I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. In the morning I felt like I had slept on a plane. My entire body felt sore and stiff. I had a sharp headache and I was dead tired. I went for a walk to get the blood flowing again and clear my head which did help to make me feel a bit better. But in the afternoon I just felt completely exhausted again and fell asleep on the sofa twice. I didn't feel as hungry as I had expected, less hungry then the day before actually, and managed without food just fine the whole day. I had plenty of fluids though. I felt sticky on the inside and really just wanted to wash it all away.

All in all it was quite a nasty experience. I felt really miserable. I hope next Sunday will be better with the starches. I do need to find some gluten free pasta though. I haven't had pasta in ages as I don't eat grains at all these days. I may be willing to make an exception for this one day but gluten is just too much. Just that, even in small amounts, will make my belly so unhappy it will be hard to tell how I feel from the starches.

One things is for sure. I am permanently cured from processed sugars. I might have a tiny bit sometimes, but just for the taste. Then again, a lot of the foods that I had been looking forward to actually tasted quite bad when I finally had them. It's pure, white and deadly alright. Once you are no longer addicted to sugar you can taste what it really is. Pure poison. Quite a wake up call.

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Through the roof!

Last week I went to the hospital to get the results of my blood tests. Turned out that my testosterone levels were 55. They should be between 11 and 30. Some might think: wow, that's great, right? No. There is a max for a reason. The surplus gets turned into estrogen which is something I really don't want. It explains why I have been feeling a bit grumpy to say the least. There is this phenomenon called 'roid rage' which is known among bodybuilders who use too much steroids in order to get bigger. They tend to get a tad aggressive. Well, having a uterus and all, I'd say it feels more like PMS. So there you have it. Seriously, I could kill someone while having PMS. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way. Women just have more control. 

So, grumpy, restless and tired, which is always a great combination, and still the nausea. I have cut back on how much testosterone I put on and the nausea did get a lot better. Yesterday I forgot my testosterone and I was actually feeling really well. It took me a while to realize it was because I wasn't nauseous. Actually, I didn't realize that until today. I was at the end of my bottle and decided to squeeze the last bit out which was a lot more then I should be taking. So later this afternoon the nausea hit me again, pretty bad. Very annoying. I ignored it best I could and managed quite well but it did make me realize how strongly I still react. I hope that with the new dose and lower blood levels the nausea will go away. It sounds like such a simple little thing. Silly almost. But it makes it hard to eat and when you constantly feel like that it really takes up quite a bit of energy to ignore it. Fingers crossed. 

The good news is that the ginger beard looks promising. Last Friday several friends noticed my stubbly chin and cheeks and all had to have a feel. It would be awesome if I had a full beard for my next birthday. With this rate it might even be possible. 

Also, some of my shirts are getting too tight around my shoulders. Most of the time I still feel like I look pretty skimpy but every now and then I catch a glimpse in the mirror and surprise myself. One day I might actually believe what I see and it will be me.

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From a boy to a man.

Today is my birthday. Last year I celebrated it as Tyler for the first time. Then it was as a boy. Today it is as a man. I had not expected it to be this soon but I feel I am ready. Someone called me a young boy a few weeks ago and it felt wrong. A year ago I would have agreed but not anymore. I am a man. This feels right. 

My body agrees with testosterone in ways I had not imagined. Of course, you hope for the best, but I always expect the worst. That way things can only turn out better. I have been on testosterone for 7 weeks now. My muscles are growing, my fat is melting. My voice is still lowering and starting to develop a hum. I heard from people that it should drop a bit extra after about 10 weeks. I really hope it does. I would love a deep voice. I think it would suit me, a warm, deep sound. People have been noticing the hair on my chin. That is something I really hadn't expected to happen so soon. The past few days it has actually been so obvious that I had decided I would shave for my birthday. So this morning I did. I was amazed at the amount of hair that came off. Not only on my chin and upper lip but also my cheeks and even my throat. If it keeps growing like this I might even have a full beard by my next birthday. I know it's a bit much to hope for but one can dream. 

On the down side, the thing I was worried about is happening. The skin on my stomach, where I rub the gel, is starting to get irritated at last. It is turning red and there is a burning sensation. Since things are moving so insanely fast I have decided to reduce the gel from 50 mg to 40 mg and rub it on my shoulders for a while to give my stomach some rest. After a while I will start alternating. Hopefully that will help. If I have to I can also rub it on my legs every now and then, if they don't get too hairy. A week from now I will get the results of my blood tests. To be honest, with the noticeable effects, I don't really care what the blood work says. I'm getting the changes I want.

One of the best things is that strangers all assume that I am a guy. It's still a bit uncomfortable with the moobs and that does seem to confuse people a bit some times but in general they have set the default at male. That's how they treat me. That's what they call me. It feels really good. I feel relieved. There is less need for me to prove that I am a guy. That way people can treat me as who I am instead of me needing to explain things and confusing people. As much as I enjoy the changes I would really like to get on with my life. It looks like that will be possible really soon. 

So what's the plan, Batman? Chest surgery in spring, hopefully. But other then that? What do I want to do this year? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I'm a member of the board of the local COC which takes up quite a bit of time. We have some big plans for the gallery as well. But that's all work. What about me? I don't know. I have been trying to paint more again lately because I have an exhibition at the end of August. I would really like to have more time in general to paint. After 2 months of not having time for Kung Fu I started training again and really enjoy it. That is something I would like to have more time for as well. I need to start making some long term plans. In 5 years I will be 40. It's about time I get my sh*t together. At least I have nothing holding me back now. About time.

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Who's that guy?

Who's that guy? That's what a friend at the gym wondered looking through the window to check who was teaching the BodyPump. She hadn't seen me in about 2 weeks and had trouble recognizing me from that distance. Of course, this made me smile. The changes in your body are very gradual and because I carry around my own body all the time it's hard for me to notice the changes. But other people do. I have been getting compliments at the gyms about my growth. I've even heard people say my face is changing already. And my voice even more then before.

People had told me not to expect anything to happen the first month. I've been on testosterone for less then 6 weeks now and even I am seeing the changes. Today I put on an old girl shirt size S for Kung Fu training. My shoulders barely fit and the shirt was clearly way too small. The shirts I had bought a while ago that I was actually swimming in back then now fit just fine. I'm growing, big time. And with the physical growth comes the mental growth. I feel more secure, more myself. My head is calmer, more clear. I am more focused and less stressed. Things bother me less. I am more confident about myself and my future. I have more energy. I wake up in the morning and feel rested. I know I actually should be getting more sleep and still have too much on my plate, but I'm not worried. I know I can handle it and things will clear up in not too long. Life is great.

Can you feel a but coming? There usually is one. The Dutch public transport system works with personal chip cards. They have your name, gender and photo on it. Last Monday I was asked for my card on the train. And then I was asked for my ID. The photo on my driver's licence is just as girly as the one on my PT chip card. So I ended up explaining I was trans on the train. It was pretty quiet and no one was paying us any attention so I wasn't bothered about it at that point. I thought it was somewhat funny and even a bit happy that I don't look like that old me anymore. But I am also aware that it could have gotten ugly. Being outed like that in public is nothing to take lightly. I am going to call and see if I can change my chip card. I won't be able to change my driver's licence until I can change my passport and that's going to take a while. 

So there are good things happening and, well, less good things. Things are changing and not everything changes as gradually and effortless as the flimsy hairs that are sprouting on my chin (they are very very flimsy but I swear, they weren't there before!!). It's a strange phase to be in. There are little victories all the time. Every time someone ticks the M box, sometimes literally like the guy at the store where I bought my laptop, mostly just mentally, it makes me feel more secure. But every time someone ticks F, mostly either because I haven't had chest surgery yet and it's too hot for a proper binder right now, or because they have known me as female for some time, it hurts. And every time that happens it hurts even more because I am moving on. I am leaving that part of me behind. It's my past self. It's not who I am today and not how I see myself in the future. There is still so much paper work that needs to be done and a lot of it can not be done yet. It will take time. But at least things are changing, something is happening. I am enjoying the ride best I can and await every little change with anticipation. The best is yet to come.

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I started hormone treatment!

Last Thursday I had my second meeting with the hormone doctor. He told me my blood work was fine. My good cholesterol was actually really high which is great. Testosterone can inhibit liver functions which can cause lower good cholesterol so I have more then a buffer. My testosterone is 1.6 which is really low, even for a girl. To get to male values I have to get it up to between 11 and 30. At least, that's what I heard from my trans friends. There seems to be a different way to measure testosterone and then you get to values of 300 or something. I have been googling but I can't find any clear numbers. Next time I see him I'll ask. 

My low testosterone levels do make me wonder. I don't look like it. I mean, I'm pretty strong and all. I hope this means I am very receptive to testosterone and will be getting results really quick. Time will tell. 

I only got started yesterday so I'm not noticing anything yet. I am slightly nauseous which can be a side effect but it could also be stress. I mean, this is a big deal, no matter how cool I may act. I also didn't sleep very well. I was really restless. Could be the T, could also be anticipation. This morning, while I was teaching BodyBump, my barbell felt really light though but I did have trouble focusing. Again, no way to tell what that means. Right now, I'm tempted to read into everything. I really need to restrain myself. I should start noticing something within a few weeks though. Something. There are guidelines for what to expect but they are not rules. It's different for everyone. Usually the voice starts acting funky pretty quickly which is going to be a lot of fun while teaching. I can just see myself squeaking while I'm trying to help people push through those last single presses in the shoulder track. Fun fun fun. But it will pass. Things will get better and I can finally be myself. 

Writing that last sentence makes me realize how much I am still putting my life on hold. There are still so many things I don't do because I feel I can't because my body is holding me back. But that's not true. During BodyPump I sometimes remind people of that. Can or can't are thing that live inside your head. If you tell yourself you can't do those last few reps then you will fail. If you tell yourself: I can do this and I will, then you can and you will. This is true for a lot of things in life. Many more then we think. But it's so much easier to think we can't because then we don't have to fail. We don't even try. It's safer. But I am done being safe. I tried to play it safe most of my life and all it got me was misery. No more. It's time to start saying: yes I can! So here I go. I can do this.

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I had my first meeting with the hormone doc.

After two whole months I finally had my first appointment with the hormone doctor. People had told me it wouldn't be a big deal. Just a few questions, a blood pressure check and such and then I would get my prescription. But most people go to the hospital in Amsterdam. The one where I will have my first screening day three weeks from now. This hospital in The Hague isn't specialized in things like this so they take it easy. There were the usual questions: are you sure? Any such and such illnesses in your family? Take a deep breath please. And the blood tests. But no prescription. He wants to wait for the results of the blood tests first. That's just the way they do it over there. So now I have to wait another two weeks and hopefully I'll get my prescription then. 

There is another thing. That doctor is not a fan of injections. You get spikes in your hormone levels and eh doesn't like that. He does not prescribe injections. He only prescribes gel that you have to smear on your body. I don't want gel. It contains alcohol and my skin does not appreciate that at all. My skin dries out and cracks real easy and then gets infected. So I'm a bit skeptical about rubbing alcohol all over myself. He said he would look into an alternative but injections are not an option when I am with this doctor. 

I am highly disappointed. I had really counted on being able to start treatment today. I had also really hoped to get injections. Right now I feel really tired. I never expected this to be easy but it's hard enough as it is. The people who are supposed to help me don't always seem very helpful. I know two weeks isn't a long time but it feels like for ever to me. I have been biting my nails waiting for my referral letter for weeks and weeks, only to find out it 'got lost in the mail' and they had to send it again. The local hospital was supposed to have a one week waiting list but I called them a few days ago and they said my referral letter was up for review this week, probably, and after that I would get an invitation, if they decided to treat me. They don't have a lot of experience with adult transgenders. They just send them to Amsterdam usually. And now The Hague has put me on hold yet again. Right now I'm worried he will find something in my blood work that indicates I'm not standard enough and they will turn me away. I know that's paranoia but at this moment it just feels like it is never going to happen. I am so tired of all of this. I want this whole transition thing to be over. I want to get on with my life. Is that really too much to ask?

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Me, scared? Why would I be?

If all goes well I can start hormone treatment next week. I have an appointment at the hospital in The Hague on Friday and am waiting for an invitation from the hospital in my own town. The waiting list there is one week and I sent them my referral note last week so I am hoping I can get an appointment there really soon. That way I can walk there in 10 minutes instead of taking trains and buses for over an hour. I think I'll call after the weekend and ask what's going on. I want to know what's happening. 

I've been looking forward to being on hormones for quite some time. But to be honest I am really dreading starting hormones. The psychiatrist who gave me the green light warned me again that some people can get really depressed starting on testosterone, and most people tend to feel a bit blue when their testosterone levels are getting low just before their next shot. I have a history of depression so I am at risk more then most. I know that. I am very much aware of that. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm not the happiest person on most days though I manage to keep myself busy and productive. My menstrual cycle really affects my mood so I know I'm extra sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. Most people starting on testosterone tend to feel more stable though. I've even heard people say the feel happier on testosterone. I'm hoping that will happen to me too. But as they say one should: I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This mean I am preparing to hit a mayor depression again. It probably won't be so bad but it's better to be prepared and not needing your ammo then needing it and having none. 

The other thing that I am dreading about this phase is being the bearded lady. Not that there is anything wrong with being a bearded lady if you chose to be. But that's not what I want to be. I want to be a man. I want to look like one and be treated as one. But this phase is going to be tricky. I will still have boobs and I just know I won't be wearing a binder every day. I hate binders. But I will have to pay extra attention to what I wear, depending on when and where. I already confuse people sometimes and that's just going to get worse at first. I know getting my fat percentage down to make my boobs smaller doesn't work for me. My boobs are pretty much that last thing to go. So I'm stuck with them for now.

I really wish I could get the surgery first and then start the hormones. I know other people who would prefer to do it like that as well. The idiotic idea is that you can still quit hormone treatment and go back to the way things were in case you change your mind. The Real Life Experience phase is supposed to be an exploratory phase where you can try your new gender on for size and see if you like it or not and if you don't you can just return it and get a refund. But that's not true. There are plenty of effects that hormone treatment has that are irreversible, like the lowering of your voice and hair everywhere. You can't just go back. Plus, most people who change their minds usually have done so before starting hormones. They have a screening phase just for that, to spot those people who have other issues and think that changing gender might help them get away from those problems. Altering your body in pursuit of  happiness is a big step. I know, more and more people have plastic surgery because they feel like they should in order to become happy. You got to ask yourself, what's going on with those people. No matter what the context, permanently changing your body, is big. 

I am very much aware of this.  I will be changing my body, permanently. After this there is no going back. I've always felt that the outside should reflect the inside. This is also why I have always disliked my body. I don't feel complete. I really hope that by doing this I will feel more like me. I'm hoping, one day, I will recognize myself in the mirror. Hormone treatment should make that happen. So yeah, I'm scared. Right now, I have hope. And hope is such a sneaky devil. Once I start treatment I will be looking in the mirror, looking for myself, hoping I will see a glimpse of me. I have no idea how long this will take. I have no idea if it will ever happen. There is only one way to find out. If you're scared, it means it's important enough to you to scare you. Bravery is being scared and doing it anyway. So here I go, being brave, because it is important to me. I still wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just wake up a year from now in my new and improved body and not go through all the growing pains and confusion of living in an obviously mixed gender body. It's the only option I have though. Wish me luck. 

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Coming out, again and again.

Coming out is a very important part of being LGBT. It's the moment you tell your friends and family: this is who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. It's the moment you tell them you want them to love and accept you for who you truly are. And hopefully they do. You can never be sure what is going to happen until you actually come out. I guess, in a way, it is a test. Do they really care about you, enough to accept the fact that you are different from the mainstream. Not everyone passes that test and it can be very hard. Which is why it's such a big deal. You risk losing your loved ones over something that, really, isn't any of their business. Because, let's face it, it's no ones business what you do in the bedroom except the person you are doing that with. 

If you are LGB, once you are out to your friends and family basically you're done. Because, indeed, it is nobody's business. Your co-workers or classmates have no reason to know such things. You are not obligated to tell anyone. You don't have to put it on your resume and in most cases people can't tell. When you go to the gym or to church or the beach, people either could already tell before you came out, or they still can't. Telling people you are gay doesn't change the way you look. You may feel more secure and that might show. Or you might act more natural and not restrain your traits that you think might 'out' you to other people. But coming out in itself doesn't make you look gay. 

Being a transsexual is a bit different when it comes to that. First you need to come out to your friends and family, just like the LGB people. Same story. Either they suspected already or they were completely in the dark. Either they will accept it or not. And you deal with whatever you get on your plate. And then you start your transition. You do your screening and get approval to start treatment. So that is what you do. You start hormone treatment. And then suddenly, that huge group of people that the LGB people didn't have to worry about, is on your case. People see you changing and they start asking themselves questions. 

I teach BodyPump at two gyms. At both gyms most people who work there know about me being trans. At one gym a lot of the members know as well. But not everyone. I don't start my classes with: Welcome to BodyPump, my name is Tyler and I'm trans. That would just be silly. But they all see the weight I put on m barbell. They all pay attention to my muscle tone. Instructors set an example of what you can achieve with that program after all. When you start taking testosterone your muscles start to grow. My voice will lower. Something they will notice as I am talking all the time. They listen to me. They will notice something is changing. And the most logic explanation for these changes would be steroids. And they would be right. Steroids are artificial hormones. It's the exact same stuff as I will be getting from my doctor. I know people will talk. Luckily people tend to approach me and ask me all kinds of questions. So hopefully they will ask about this as well. Or they will ask each other in the locker room and hopefully someone who knows what's happening can help them out. At one gym that shouldn't be a problem. At the other gym I'm not so sure yet. The thing is, I will have to come out, to a whole bunch of people, who I don't even really know that well because I see them once or twice a week during a fitness class. It's none of their business. But they will notice and they will have an opinion and some of them will talk behind my back. I will be getting looks. I will be getting questions. And I am really dreading that. I know, all I can do is wait and see what happens. I'll just have to deal with it one look or question at a time. 

People are not aware of this. They think that once you're out you're done. They think that, just because it isn't someone's business, their opinion doesn't matter. And they're right, it doesn't. But it does affect me. I do have to deal with being judged. I do have to deal with people asking completely inappropriate questions. I do have to deal with looks that say: what are you? I'm not sure but what ever you are, it's weird and I don't like it. I will have to go through a phase where I am obviously a freak. A bearded lady. Or a boy with boobs. Chose the lesser evil. Either way, it sucks. 

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. 

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