Going where no girl has gone before.

Diandra wrote:

Hey :) you probably get this question often but I would really like to know how it is to join "the other club"? Do people treat you differently now that you are a man on the outside too? Do you feel that you have access to areas you couldn't access before? Take care xxx

I have been out as transsexual for a bit over 2 years now so people have had plenty of time to get used to me being a guy. Changes happen gradually most of the time. Now I've had the surgery part of me feels like not much has changed as I was already living as a guy. There are differences in how people treat you when you're a guy. People are more direct when talking to you. I like that. I notice other guys are much more relaxed around me then before. Even though I had always been 'one of the guys' actually being one of the guys is different. I don't think they notice it themselves but men simply respond to the presence of a woman. Having been one, or at least having tried to pretend to be one, I can see what happens much more clearly then most guys. I noticed it again the other day when I was at a friends house to play RPG. There is one woman in the group. She was tucking in her son when I came in so it was just the guys sitting in the garden chatting. As soon as she joined the group you could see subtle changes in posture. Everyone adjusted the way they sat just a little bit, slightly more straight up. As if everyone was mentally tucking in their shirts. The fact that she is 'one of the guys' doesn't matter. She's still female and that makes all the difference. So that's not an actual physical space but it is in a way an area that I didn't have access to before. It's the mental space, the atmosphere men create when they are among themselves. 

The only example of a physical space I can think of is the men's room. Not just public toilets but also the locker room at the gym. When I joined a new gym in January I went into the men's locker room there for the first time. You can check out my blogpost about that. I was only at that gym for a few months and have now signed up at a different gym again because I missed the Les Mills classes too much. I thought a class with a friend there for a while some time ago so I do know some people there. No one batted an eye when I went into the men's room. As a transsexual you are much more aware of your own body then most people are. You're more aware of your own body then other people are in general I guess. A lot of people are insecure about stuff that other people don't notice because they are too busy with themselves as well. But since I've just had surgery I have 2 huge scars on my chest. Check out this link if you want to know what it looks like right now. Okay, they're not huge huge but they are very visible. No one paid any attention though. The only person who seemed a bit puzzled at my being there was the instructor whom I know. I guess he hadn't expected me to walk out of the shower. Yes, the shower. I gave it a lot of thought during my transition and I decided that I really do prefer showering at the gym after a class. If I just do fitness I don't mind showering at home but after a proper class I'm sweaty as hell and I don't want to have to walk home in wet socks if it's freezing. So I decided to take the plunge and go for it. This was the only thing I hadn't dared before. It seemed unacceptable to shower in the men's when I still had boobs but now I have had my surgery and even my passport has changed I figured I had every right to be there. So I did. And it was awkward as hell. But I'll just have to get used to it and so will the rest of the people in there. It does feel like a victory. You can't get more 'in' then this. 

So I guess that's it. I can go where all the boys go now and no longer where all the girls go. If I'd walk into the lady's right now they would kick me out and they would have every right to. I don't belong there. Never have really but now it really is a closed chapter. 

I'm not sure if this fully answers your question. If it doesn't feel free to ask more detail. 

Oh my... hair!

When you start testosterone treatment several things tend to happen. I already told you about how my body composition and my voice changed. One of the things most people ask me when they haven't seen me for a while is: do you have a beard yet? This is actually a question I don't mind so much as I would really like to have a nice big beard. There is one thing that people usually don't realize though. When you start using testosterone you get more hair, period. Like, everywhere! And this was something I wasn't looking forward to at all. I didn't want to get hairy all over. Luckily this is something that happens gradually. You don't go to bed smooth and wake up a bear the next morning. It's not like Kafka's beetle. This means you have time to get used to it. Opinions among transmen vary. Some really dislike the extra hair but it seems like a lot of them are quite eager for it. I'm guessing this has to do with personal taste for some part, but probably also with passability. My spelling checker doesn't think that's a word. I wish it was right.

Now what's weird about this? If you google Men's health cover you might notice something. They are all as smooth as a baby's bottom. And Men's Health is the standard of how a guy should look, right? Then why do all these transguys want to be hairy?


It does seem that body hair on a man is coming back. Maybe it started with the movember movement. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the bear scene that is becoming more prominent. They had their own Bear Pride in Amsterdam this year for the first time which I think is awesome.


And then I head about the Don't Risk Dudeness ads by Feet.

The campaign was taken down rather quickly because it was deemed sexist. And right they were. But it did give me some idea of why a lot of transguys are comparing how much hair they have. Whether you like body hair or not, one thing is certain: it's not feminine. And therefor it must be masculine. And masculine is good.

It took me a while to realize I see it the same way. I used to shave absolutely everything. I like the smooth feeling of it, true. But mostly it was because I was afraid people would label me as masculine. I was afraid of getting caught. When you're in an unclear state during your transition you cling onto every little thing you can to make clear to the world what you are. So you grow hair anywhere you can, to ensure dudeness.

Right now I only shave my face. Not very often though. It will be a while before I will be able to grow a proper beard. Things are happening though. I'm not sure how hairy the rest of my body will become. It's hairier then before, that's for sure. But I'm not a bear. Not yet anyway. There is no way to tell if I ever will be until I am. Because I used to be so afraid of body hair it took me a while to be okay with it. I am now. I don't really care either way. If it grows, it grows. If it doesn't. it doesn't. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. I could shave again but I totally understand now why part time drag queens often don't shave. Male hair is much thicker and nastier and there is more of it. And really, I can't be bothered. I'm fine the way I am. It's my body and I am getting more and more comfortable in it now it can finally do what it really wants to do. And if it wants to be fuzzy, then let it be fuzzy. If it doesn't, then that's fine too.

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How to look like me?

I have been reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my birthday. It's a book by a fashion photographer. The book contains photo's of people he met on the street that fascinated him because they had style. I started reading it because I thought maybe I could find something in there that I would like and could adopt. Going through a transition like I do, going from girl to boy, is a bit of a rude awakening. You get stripped down to the core and then you're left standing there and you have to figure everything out all over again. Who am I? Who is that person looking back at me in the mirror? I had hoped this book would give me some ground rules as to what a guy is supposed to look like.

Just to be clear, 99% of the book consists of photographs. I still call it reading though. It's a much more universal language. And what those photo's were telling me was: there are no rules. You can wear anything you like as long as you own it, as long as it's you. Initially that really pissed me off. I had hoped to find some sort of starting point, a clue as for what to do, where to start or something to aim for. Later I realized I was looking for someone who looked like me. I looked at every picture thinking: is this me? And every time the answer was the same: no. Why? because there is only one person that looks like me and that is me. Or at least, there should be one person who looks like me. And that's the problem. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see me. Not yet anyway. I had been looking for a shortcut. But in life there are no shortcuts. Everything worth doing is worth doing right and the only way to do this right is by taking the long road, the road I haven't traveled yet.

There is a rule though. Just one. It's very simple, very basic and it's the trick all those people in those pictures probably used. You can wear anything as long as it's you. So that means you should only have items of clothing in your closet that you really like, that are really you. Then you can walk in there blindfolded and come out looking fantastic because what ever you pull on is you. I recently dumped two garbage bags of clothing but my closet isn't empty by far. But when I take a good look at it, if I would have to pick out the items I really like, that I really feel comfortable in, that make me feel good about myself, I come up with one shirt and a pair of jeans. That's all. Okay, maybe a handful of sleeveless shirts but that's it. So what do I do? The fact that I still have boobs (or moobs really) doesn't help with the way I feel about how I look. I'm hoping things will get better once I have had my surgery but that doesn't change the fact that I still don't look like me in most of the clothes I own. I mentioned to a friend last night that I'd rather own 5 shirts that I feel comfortable in then 20 that I don't like. So maybe I should stick to my word and actually just wear the few clothes that I do like or at least throw out the stuff that makes me feel silly when I wear it. I wonder how many people actually do that. Just wear what they really like instead of just wearing what they are used to for what ever reason. Clothing is such a huge part of your identity. So much more then most people realize. I'm really curious about how I will look a year from now, after the surgery and once I have found some money to buy some new clothes. I can't wait.

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Change of plans. (more food/gym stuff)

When will I ever shut up about food and gym related things? Probably never. Sculpting the perfect body is something that takes a lot of time. It is a custom job every time. Every body is different so you have to figure out what works for you. There are always exceptions to every sound rule. Sometimes the theory may be correct for most cases but, since the body is not a machine, it is possible you react different to something. You just have to figure out if you really are an exception, you're doing it wrong, if there are other factors that are influencing your results, or if you haven't taken enough time.

 

In my case it's either the exception indeed or there other factors. I'm talking about the cheat days for the Man 2.0 program. I do know I have a concentration disorder and that could be a factor. I still haven't completely figured out concentration disorders (I'm not a medical researcher alas) but I do know carbohydrates have a big influence on them. The idea of a cheat day is to boost fat burning hormones by eating loads and loads for one day, including a ton of carbohydrates. It's actually a really old trick in the book. People have been using that trick for ages. It works. For most people. Not for me though. I gained fat mass and lost muscle 2 weeks in a row. The opposite of the goal. I also felt horrible. The cheat days themselves were hell. The day after even worse. And it took me pretty much the rest of the week to recover and get my energy back. I felt dead tired and didn't have the energy to use the strength I had.
I have to admit things have been rather stressful lately with work in various ways so that could have something to do with it. A friend suggested it might be I'm spending too much time at the gym but that is not the case. I haven't been to Kung Fu in 3 weeks which makes me sad because I really miss it. I also haven't been doing any regular fitness. The program said I should do lots of reps with relatively low weight. That's the same type of training that focuses on red muscle tissue as you do during BodyPump which I teach so I have just been doing BodyPump. It felt silly to do the same training twice in a row. It doesn't give you the wanted results anyway. It actually would just damage my body. So that's not it. Stress and lack of sleep could be major contributers. Also I haven't been eating like I should. I had been keeping track of my marco's (fat, protein and carbohydrates) but had been too tired to cook and just ate the bare minimum, replacing meals with protein shakes. So I haven't been getting my vitamins and minerals. No wonder I'm not feeling too great.

 

But even without all those other things the cheat days made me feel poisoned and I'm sure my body just does not agree with such amounts of carbohydrates. I have always had trouble with my energy levels and concentration when I eat too much carbs. They make me feel tired and depressed. I'm pretty sure the cheat days aided to the miserable state I am in right now. I am never, ever doing it again. It just does not work for me. Right now my body feels polluted and drained of energy. I was supposed to have one last cheat day last Sunday but I skipped it. I did eat unhealthy but didn't keep track of what I ate and to be honest I'm not even sure if I reached my normal caloric need. I just couldn't be bothered.

 

Today I am pulling myself together again and am setting up a new food plan. I am moving on to the next phase in the Man 2.0 program and am forcing myself to cook today. I've had Indonesian spiced beef with bell peppers and a salmon salad with avocado and olives so far. I'm having some of that gluten free pasta that I still have left in the evening with chicken, tomato, mushroom sauce. I'm taking the day off from the gym as I have had very little sleep this weekend and am dead tired. There is no point in trying to lift heavy weights when I have trouble lifting my own body out of a chair. So tomorrow I will start training again. I hope I can undo the damage quickly and will be feeling fit and healthy again soon.

 

I do find it amazing how different people react to things like this. The theory is sound. It really is. It just doesn't work for me. Let's just say I'm special. I don't think it has anything to do with me being trans. This should be a universal thing. I did learn a lot. Especially the first cheat day was very insightful. But I also know I should be keeping carbs low, period. Every one needs carbs and I will not ban them completely, but I will limit them a lot more then most people. Now on to health! Time to fix dinner.

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Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha.

Five weeks ago I started a program called Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha. It's an American program designed for overweight non movers (people who don't work out and walk about 5000 paces a day). The goal is to lose fat mass of course but mostly it is meant to reset your hormones. It should boost testosterone, repress estrogen and cortisol (the stress hormone) and reset your hunger hormones and fat burning hormones. All in all it should make you feel fitter, stronger, more energetic and happier. It should also make you look better. I know that I have female plumbing but I also know that there are transmen who try to become more masculine all on their own, without synthetic hormones. And some of them succeed very well. I have noticed the synthetic testosterone that I am taking is still making me nauseas. Plus, it's a nuisance to have to remember it all the time. Most of all, I prefer not to be dependent on doctors and my insurance in order to be able to be myself. Right now my meds are still covered but they are cutting back on every possible thing here in Holland and I heard rumor that the psychiatry for the screening is on the shit list. The less medication I need the better. So I decided to try this program.

The first few weeks I just felt horrible. I talked to some friends about it who know quite a bit about this sort of stuff as well and realized I had forgotten a tiny detail: I'm not a non mover. Those 5000 steps a day I already spend inside my house. I don't have a car. I ride my bike to the gym or walk. I stand many hours a day. I also teach BodyPump, do kung fu and yoga. All those things count. If I would stick to the calories the program told me to I would have only 90 calories a day for all those activities, spending the rest on my basic metabolism (this is the energy you need to not die, as in keep your heart beating, breathing, that sort of thing). No wonder I wasn't feeling well. So I started eating more and indeed my fat mass dropped and my muscle increased.

The program is divided into 4 phases, each lasting one month. I am now in phase two which includes cheat days. During a cheat day basically you just binge all day long. The reason behind this is to boost certain hormones that become too low when you are eating a bit below your maintenance need, slowing down your fat loss. Most of the time you eat low carb (sugar) but this day it's all about the carbs. Normally I eat less then 100 grams of carbs a day which really isn't a lot. But on a cheat day you take in loads and loads. There are several ways to do this. I have 3 cheat days so I decided to try 3 different methods. Cheat day 1: processed sugars. Cheat day 2: slow carbs like starches. Cheat day 3: Paleo, eating lots of fruit and such. I wonder if I will feel different on different types of carbs.

So how did cheat day 1 go? And what did I eat? Here is the list:

25 g dark chocolate: 131 cals

250 g negerzoenen: 933 cals (Officially they are called zoenen these days as they used to be called nigger kisses and that was racist so they changed it. In the US I think they are called angel kisses. In Germany Schaumküsse. At least everyone agrees on the kissing part.)

4 tompoezen: 1152 cals (see right image)

600 g huzaren salad: 1020 cals

75 g white chocolate: 406 cals

216 g nougat: 900 cals

75 g butterscotch chocolate: 490 cals

1 piece of brownie: 264 cals

100 g chocolate raisins: 388 cals

200 g Brie: 676 cals

125 g cassava crisps: 613 cals

Total calories: 6973

I had expected to feel sick but I didn't. I was really surprised. I had expected to feel full and my bowels did but my stomach didn't. I kept feeling hungry all day. Even though I did get a bit queasy I had no trouble continuing eating because I felt so hungry. I hadn't felt that hungry in ages. It was like trying to fill a bottomless pit. In the evening I had about 2000 calories left and I felt slightly panicked because I knew I would still be hungry. I've always wondered how people get obese. Now I know. When you eat loads and loads of carbs you just feel more and more hungry. It's horrible.

Other then the constant hunger I had trouble concentrating, not understanding what people said all the time and constructing sentences took a lot of effort. If I would have had to drive I surely would have caused an accident. I felt slightly spaced out and shaky all the time. This feeling continued throughout the next day. I had a hard time falling asleep, feeling restless. I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. In the morning I felt like I had slept on a plane. My entire body felt sore and stiff. I had a sharp headache and I was dead tired. I went for a walk to get the blood flowing again and clear my head which did help to make me feel a bit better. But in the afternoon I just felt completely exhausted again and fell asleep on the sofa twice. I didn't feel as hungry as I had expected, less hungry then the day before actually, and managed without food just fine the whole day. I had plenty of fluids though. I felt sticky on the inside and really just wanted to wash it all away.

All in all it was quite a nasty experience. I felt really miserable. I hope next Sunday will be better with the starches. I do need to find some gluten free pasta though. I haven't had pasta in ages as I don't eat grains at all these days. I may be willing to make an exception for this one day but gluten is just too much. Just that, even in small amounts, will make my belly so unhappy it will be hard to tell how I feel from the starches.

One things is for sure. I am permanently cured from processed sugars. I might have a tiny bit sometimes, but just for the taste. Then again, a lot of the foods that I had been looking forward to actually tasted quite bad when I finally had them. It's pure, white and deadly alright. Once you are no longer addicted to sugar you can taste what it really is. Pure poison. Quite a wake up call.

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Closing doors.

It has been 4 weeks since I started on testosterone. Changes are slow and gradual. I got measured at the gym and according to those scales I have gained 1.4 Kg of muscle and lost 0.6 Kg of fat. That's an insane amount. At least, the muscle is. I was really surprised by that. I had noticed training was getting easier and I have added more weight for most of my training but this is a lot more then I had expected. This is an extra reason to keep an eye on what I am eating and I'm glad I started the Renegade program a bit over a week ago. This means intermittent fasting, loads of veggies and lots of protein in what ever form I see fit. So I have decided eating bacon is allowed. Since I am doing a mayor physical renovation anyway I figured I might as well build myself up from the ground. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. I have decided I shall look awesome. 

But this renovation doesn't just apply to my body. It goes for the upper chamber as well. The mind. I am taking a new look at how my life is constructed at the moment. Which things do I want to keep, which need to be replaced and what can go. Which things give me energy? What drains me? And why? This is also a slow process and is something that happens gradually. It's impossible to just sit down and make an inventory of everything you do and how you feel about it. So sometimes things happen when you don't expect them. You may tend to wander into a room to find the space uncomfortable to a degree you just want to get out as soon as possible. Or you may even find the door closed. 

Last Saturday we had drag night at the trans café here in Leiden. So of course, being a boy now, I had to go dressed as a girl, right? Right. I had been dreading that evening for weeks. Pretty much as soon as the idea was agreed upon. I postponed deciding what to wear until the last moment. I had already told people I wasn't planning on shaving my legs so a skirt was not an option. Somehow, that door had closed on me. I wore something simple, though all clearly girl's clothing, and a little make up. I used to be able to walk on heels just fine, with hip sway and all. This time I just couldn't get into it and the high heels made me walk awkwardly. I felt uncomfortable all evening. It felt as if I was stuck behind a glass wall and couldn't connect to anything. It puzzled me at first, because this was how I had dressed for years. Once home I shook off those clothes as quickly as possible. I stripped off that mask I used to wear and was no longer used to. That's when I realized how miserable I had been all those years, being stuck behind that mask, unable to get out, unable to be myself. Every now and then I still wonder, wouldn't it be easier to just fit in? But once again it has been confirmed, that door has closed. I can't go back. Not even for an evening. Maybe one day I will be able to wear something like that again. But only if it doesn't compromise my masculinity. Now it still does and it's too uncomfortable still. You live you learn.

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How to get rid of love handles.

I get these type of questions all the time. I have fat there and there. How do I get rid of it? If I do crunches, do I get rid of my tummy fat? If I do chest presses, will my boobs disappear? Etc etc. People still seem to believe that they burn fat there where they are using their muscles. Alas, no such thing. It seems to make sense at first sight but if you look at things closer, there is something else going on.

Not all fat is just fat. Your body stores different types of fat in different places. It puts it in places where it makes sense to your body. If your liver is turning fructose into fats, then it makes sense to store those fats in that region. Other fats are stored to save for later, like the fat on ladies thighs and buttocks. That's the type of fat you want to build babies so you want to keep that for when you need it. There is a place, reason and purpose for everything. Just because you don't think it looks pretty, doesn't mean it's not functional.

I'm not saying you should be satisfied with a body you're not comfortable with. I'm just saying you need to work with what you have. Women will always be more likely to store fat in their lower regions and men around their waist. Those are things you need to accept. Also, some people are more inclined to lose weight in certain areas then others. Somehow I actually tend to lose fat on my thighs quicker then on my stomach even though my metabolism is still fully female. Don't ask me why. Of course, when I gain fat mass again that's also where it jumps right back on.

But if you can't target the zones where you want the fat to Go Away! what do you do? Just make the excess fat go away. If your body is healthy, fit and fully functional it should look good as well. What we define as looking good is looking healthy. I know, these days our ideals are a bit off, but they do represent what we need right now. When you look at the women Rubens painted, they were all plump. Why? Because it showed prosperity. Why? Because most people didn't have enough food to get plump. Right now obesity is the one of the leading causes of death. As a result we cling on to super skinny ideals because we are afraid of being overweight. But do we need to be super skinny? No, we don't. We need to be healthy. We need to find a middle ground between our realistic fears and our exaggerated ideals. Even the men on the cover of Men's Health are not realistic. It's not how real people look. It's not how you and I look. Those are people who spend all their time working on looking good. It's their job. And guess what, we don't have that job. We have other things to do. If you feel fit, healthy and able to do with your body what you want to do, there is a good chance you will like what you see in the mirror. If you don't, maybe you should think about why. Most likely there is some other area in your life that makes you feel like you need to compensate for that by looking extra attractive to others. Just saying..

But I want to get rid of my love handles! I hear you. I don't disagree with wanting to not have love handles. I'm still dreaming of a six-pack as well. But I've had a beef with my body since I was little. So what do we do?

First of all, you have to be patient. These things don't happen over night. We all know that but we tend to pretend that only applies to other people. It does not. I know, it sucks.

Second, we have to check what we eat. I hear people mention different percentages, usually between 60 and 80, of how much food helps with body composition. It varies per person but in essence this is true. More then half of your results come from what you eat. So you need to check that. The first thing people usually say when I tell them that is: so I should eat even less fat. And I respond: NOOOO!! Most likely you need to eat more fat. Good, healthy fats, like olive oil or coconut oil or avocado's or fish. If your body doesn't get enough of something it will cling on to every tiny bit it can for when the shit really hits the fan. It goes into starvation mode and will refuse to burn fat. So in order to get your body to start burning fat again, you need to reassure your body more fat is coming. This also goes for water by the way. If you don't drink enough you will get bloated because your body will cling on to the water it does get. Not good for your kidneys, among many other things. Drinking more water or (herbal) tea could result in losing several pounds even. As I mentioned before, your liver turns fructose into fat. So avoiding fructose would be a good idea. That does not mean not eating fruit. In fruit fructose is packed in fiber and doesn't enter the bloodstream that easily. You want to avoid the processed sugars like corn syrup and regular white sugar. For more on sugar check my blog post http: Why drinking 'fat coke' really is like drinking fat.

Third, exercise. Finally! So, how much cardio should you do? Should? I don't know. Do you like doing cardio? Then by all means, go ahead and do it. But if you don't like it and you're just doing it to lose weight, you can stop. It's okay. You can go ahead and get a barbell and start building a bit of muscle. You don't have to get huge. You just have to get lean. The more muscle you have, the more calories you burn, even when you are asleep. In the long run doing fitness will get you more result then doing endless cardio. Cardio burns what you have now. Muscle burns what you eat the rest of the day. If you do still want to do cardio, do it after your strength training. When you are pushing weights your body needs to energy stored in your muscles. If you already used that for cardio you will not get the best results. If you have done your strength training and then do cardio, there will be not carbs left in your muscles and your body will be more inclined to start burning fat. So it's beneficial both ways. On a side note: muscle is more dense so you may still weigh the same, but your waistline will have shrunk. The best way to measure your process is by your belt.

That's all I have for now. This should get you started. If you have any more questions, let me know. Good luck!

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Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror

As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.


"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.

Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."

In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."

For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs


As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.

Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.


Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.


So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.


I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.


This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.



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Just to get a few things clear.

A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.

Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.


"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."

I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.

As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.


"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."

Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.

Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.


"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"

I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.


"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."

Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.


"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."

I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.


I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.

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Strike a pose.

I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.


I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.

So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!


In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.

I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.


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