Well, something is happening. (testosterone level should be good now)

Well, I was right. My doctor called last week and confirmed that my testosterone was too low. It was 9.9 in the morning while it should be between 11 and 30. Between 15 and 18 is ideal. And since it drops during the day 9.9 to start with is not enough. No wonder I was changing back. So now I'm at 20mg of gel a day and my body is reacting all right. Holly smokes.

The first two weeks I didn't notice much change but it takes time to get to the right level. And then I got the flu. Usually that means I'm in bed for 2 days and then it takes me another 3 to pull myself together. That's all. It's been over a week now and I still feel far from fit. I spend 12 hours a night in bed and fall asleep on the sofa several times a day. My body is sore all over. My muscles, joints and tendons hurt. I'm hungry and light headed but I have trouble eating. I don't really feel nauseous but my stomach still protests when I try to eat. As a result I ate a lot of crap last week and gained fat which I'm not happy about. Yes, I'm sure, I got measured last Monday. What's even more frustrating is that I'm not gaining any muscle so I have no idea why everything hurts so much. I have to admit I haven't been to the gym in over a week either. All I can manage is a bit of yoga at home and that's all. When I did go to get measured I just sat in the sauna for a bit and went home.

Something is happening though and it is taking up a lot of energy. My concentration is terrible and having a hard time getting anything done. Typing this is taking a lot longer then it should as well. Three cheers for the spelling checker. I'm really curious about what is happening inside of me. On the surface I don't see much happening. Maybe it's in my head, the change. A friend of mine asked if I noticed any difference in thinking. She was referring to the idea that women tend to have a wider horizon while men tend to focus on single goals more. Both valid strategies, just very different. And to be honest, I have been looking at things a bit differently lately. I have been thinking about long term goals a lot more and about the things that I do that do not contribute to those goals. By weeding those out I am making more space for my bigger goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am purely thinking this way because of the testosterone. It might be helping, but it would be weird to say that that's the reason. I think the main reason why I am able to say to myself that yes, this really is what I want to aim for and yes, I can and will do it, is because I am turning into me. Until now I was constantly busy trying to be something I wasn't and trying to convince myself and the rest of the world that I was succeeding at that. This meant that trying to be a good girl came first before anything. It took up so much space there wasn't any room left for me. And now that burden has lifted and suddenly I don't have any excuses anymore to not pursue my dreams. And what is it that I want? I want to paint. It's as simple as that. But it's not all. I want my work to be in the frecking MoMa and the Tate and Booijmans. So yeah, that's kinda big. But lots of other people have managed it, so why not me? I'll never know if I can make it until I try.

Here's a little detail of one of the paintings I have been working on lately.

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Coming Out Day 2013

Last Friday was Coming Out Day. Here is a short summery of Coming Out Day in Leiden, The Netherlands. The text is in Dutch. I'm proud to be part of this organization.

The idea is to raise awareness and help create a safer environment for LGBT people. Some of you may wonder, do we need to? I happened to be at a school that day to talk to the kids about discrimination, being different, and LGBT issues. According to the statistics there should be close to 100 gay students at that school. They knew about 4. Of course at that age a lot of people are not aware yet that they are gay. During puberty there is a lot to explore and sexuality is only on aspect of your personal development during that age.

The stereotypes we see in the media don't help. I still can't think of any Disney movie that has a gay main character. Most gay people in tv shows are quite extreme. Else it doesn't make good tv, right? But that is what people see and think they should be if they are gay. Most of us LGB and even T people don't stand out like that. Most of us are really boring to be honest. We are normal. We just happen to love someone we can't reproduce with. Though luck. But those kids don't know that yet. They don't know gay people are normal and can have any shape possible, just like the rest of the world.

When I was growing up I somehow had this idea that a transsexual was a desperate gay man who wanted to be with another man so much he was willing to give up his penis in order to get it. Crazy of course, but that's what I thought. So there was no way I would apply the idea of transexuality to myself. It took me 33 years to figure out that transsexuals can go from female to male as well and, yes, I am one too. I was surprised when I found out. Me? Really? But I'm... Okay, I might not be the most boring person on the planet but I'm not some deranged freak, right? Right. I'm not. And most other trans or gay people aren't either. I was actually a bit shocked to realize I had been thinking that way. That someone like me, who considered himself open minded and gay friendly would still hold on to such backwards stereotypes. But I did. Because I didn't know it could be different. And I'm not the only one who has this problem. That's why education is so important.

Around that age about half of the kids have figured it out though. They do know they are gay but choose not to come out. Why? They don't feel safe. They are afraid they will be treated differently on grounds that are not relevant to the situation. Yes, that's the definition of discrimination. To treat someone differently on grounds that are not relevant. They are afraid they will be bullied, they will be cast out. Some of the kids respond there is no need to be afraid, that the kids who did come out aren't being bullied either so they should be fine too. But it's not that simple. Because someone in a different class who is a few years older doesn't get picked on doesn't mean you'll be fine. It also doesn't mean your parents are going to be okay with it. Or the kids at soccer. Etc. Education starts at school, but safety is much bigger then that. I'm hoping we can educate the next generations and wipe out homophobia that way but it will take time. What I do know is that there are a whole bunch of kids right now that know that transsexuals are not just desperate, deranged gay men but look just like normal people. I hope I will have helped at least one person to come to terms with who they are just a bit easier and in less then 33 years time. I know my life would have been quite different if we had had Coming Out Day when I was growing up.

If you live in or near Leiden and you want to be part of the movement we are actively looking for more people to help us educate the next generations. More details here.

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Oh my... Voice.

Today it is exactly 4 months since I started on testosterone. I'm hoping I finally have my dosage right. It does feel like it but I will have to wait quite a while before any blood tests will confirm this. So right now I'm just hoping for the best.

Of course things have been changing. Little things but noticeable things. At least, that's what people tell me. You walk around in your own body 24/7 so sometimes it's hard to tell. That's why you need a little help every now and then. Especially with your voice because it sounds totally different in your heard. Everyone that isn't used to hearing their own voice recorded thinks it sounds weird outside their head. And when your voice lowers you first feel it vibrating in your chest. After a while you get used to it and you don't feel it anymore. But first you get the impression your voice sounds super deep and heavy, even if the difference is minor. So let's hear it then and see if there is a difference.

This first link goes to the interview a friend if mine did with me the summer of 2012. Long before I started treatment and I was only just starting my journey. I still had a lot of questions and wasn't sure where I was going yet. I had only just come out and had no clear idea of what was going to happen.


This second link is from a radio interview I did with Chris, my college at Noodweer, for the radio. So there's no pictures alas. But you can hear the difference. It's not much, but it is something. I start talking at 1:24. The first person is the interviewer of course and the second voice is Chris.

It's still the same voice, only different. It's the same with everything. It's still me, only different. The changes are small but significant. I'll post some mugshots later. Don't expect too much because that too is only a small difference. But enough to make it count.

Let me know what you think. I'm always curious how other people see these things.

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