Rebalancing my hormones one more time.

Last week I mentioned I was feeling the testosterone a lot again. So far that has only gotten worse. It really does feel like it did when I first started testosterone. I remember suddenly understanding why teen aged boys were complaining all the time. And once again I really do. It's all very impractical.
I wake up early because I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. I could eat non stop and I would if I wasn't so nauseous again. In the morning it's not so bad but in the afternoon it sometimes gets so bad I feel the need to lie down and wait for it to pass. Eating in the evening is difficult but sine I'm so bloody hungry I still do. Three cheers for protein shakes. They're a real lifesaver at the moment.
My energy levels and concentration fluctuate a lot. I've been trying to work but it's far from easy. I can't stay focussed for very long most of the time and am tempted to just crawl back into bed. But not at night. When I actually should be sleeping I am wide awake, tossing and turning. I allow myself to stay in bed late by my standards and didn't get up until 9:30 this morning. I also take naps in the afternoon if I can't push myself to do anything useful anyway. I know my body needs to get used to not having any oestrogen at all any more and this will pass. I'm trying to listen to what my body needs as best I can but it's frustrating. It would be nice if my body would agree to get that sleep at a more convenient time. I have no idea how long this will last but there is nothing I can do about it.
One of the things my body needs a lot of food and rest for is my muscles. After not training at all for 2 months your body gets a bit of a shock anyway when you start working out again. But with the new hormonal balance it's even stronger. My muscles want to grow and so far every time I did a BodyPump class I was able to put a bit extra on my barbell. I'm not getting very sore at all which is good I guess. I'm trying not to up my weights too fast even though it is very tempting. When I was still figuring out the right dosage for my testosterone my muscle mass and fat mass fluctuated too much and I ended up with a shoulder injury. I don't want that to happen again so I'm making sure I'm going easy on my joins. They need time to get used to the extra strain. I really can't wait to get to proper weights again though. I can finally create the body I've always wanted.

Getting back to work is harder then I had thought. It has been a while since I completely focussed on my own creative processes. The past few years I have been so busy with other things, like running the gallery, I didn't have much time for my own stuff. Now I've had time to think about what I really want in life I have decided to give myself another chance and really go for it. After painting abstract for about a decade I am going back to more figurative work so this means I'm back to drawing. Only slightly frustrating as I used to be pretty good at it but am not quite rusty. I'm practising the basics again, doing model drawing from a book, which I see as a necessary evil right now. Once things get better it will start being fun again I'm sure. And then I can paint again.
I am at my fourth set up for my book on my transition and feel like I finally have something that could work. I had planned to use this blog as a base to work from but copy pasting large passages seems pointless. People can just read the blog then. Right now it is taking on a novel like shape. Page one of chapter one seems finished right now but I still have about 300 pages or more to go so it's very well possible I'll rewrite that page or move it at some point. It feels good to have started though. I'm really curious where this will take me. I have started writing so many novels when I was younger but never actually finished one. This would be the first. It's a new life indeed.

Pictures of my work can be found on my Facebook page.

Recovering from surgery: week 4.

After 4 weeks you're allowed to take of your binder during the night and then slowly keep it off during the day. The thing was driving me nuts. My skin was getting really irritated and I didn't feel like I was benefiting from it at all. When I would first take it off I would feel the need to put it back on after a while but by now that was completely gone. I figured it was more a guideline anyway as every body is different. I replaced it with a tight tank top during the day for a few hours to see how it felt. It was much more comfortable. Slowly I increased the time I would wear the tight shits but would keep on the binder at night. Eventually I decided it was enough and took the binder off during the morning to never put it back on again. This was 3 days before my doctor recommended to slowly cut back on wearing it. I know I went against medical advise but I really feel much better. My skin is recovering quickly and I can feel my strength coming back. The last bit of scabs are held in place by the stitches that still need to dissolve. My chest is still itching on the inside as it heals but I feel I am getting closer to the end every day. It's getting harder and harder to restrain myself and not start lifting heavy things again. My gynaecologist told me I could start exercising again but right now that means anything waist down. So, in addiction to my daily walks, I started to do squats again. I'm only using my own bodyweight but at least it's something. It feels good to be moving again. I used to work out 14 hours a week and sitting still is really not my cup of tea. Two more weeks and I can really get started. I'm thinking about slowly adding some exercises so it won't be too much of a shock when I hit the gym again. I really can't wait.

As far as the hysterectomy goes I'm really just waiting for the scabs to fall off and that's about it. Everything is pretty much back to normal. Except the tension in my muscles of course. I really need to fix that. All in due time.

Other then that I am back to work; painting and working on my book. It feels good to be doing something useful again. I'll be using my trans related blog posts as a guideline for my book so I'm printing them out and rereading them all, sorting them out by theme to make chapters. It's really interesting to see how much has changed and how little I actually knew when I started this journey. I have learned a lot. And the people around me as well. Hopefully the book will help even more people.

If you want to see pictures of how my chest is healing you can go to my tumblr account.

Why creating art should not be for free.

Everybody agrees art should exist. It is one of the things that makes us human. No other life form creates art. It's an important part of our identity as human beings. Yet, a lot of people think art simply should be there. In museums and galleries, out in the street, in and on buildings. Art forms such as music, film and literature are so integrated into our daily lives we don't even think of them as art any more. But they are. Now you can debate whether or not Boy George is art but you can go on about details like that for ever. That is one of the interesting parts of art: it causes discussion. That's not the discussion I want to have today though.

A few weeks ago I was talking to a fellow artist. At some point we ended up talking about finances and time management. Doesn't sound very artsy, does it? It's not. But it is an important part of being an artist. How do you make sure you can not just pay your rent, but also finance your artwork, while still having time to make said artwork. It's a tightrope that all artists face, no matter what type of art they are making. Of course, we all have the hope that one day we will make enough money with our art not to have to do the 'day job' any more. I'm guessing that in 99% of the cases this never happens. Some might manage for a while but in times as uncertain as these you can't count on anything. So even if your art is doing well you're still taking a big risk quitting that day job. This is probably the biggest challenge artists face today. Currently I'm recycling old canvases, basically destroying old paintings, because I can't afford to buy new ones. And since no one is buying those old paintings anyway, I might as well.

I know times are tough and everyone is having a hard time financially. I totally understand people choose to buy a new washing machine instead of art. I do the same thing. But most people don't even think about buying art as an option. They don't see art as something they should pay for. It should simply be there. Fine art is something to look at in museums or galleries. Music and movies are there to download and the same is happening to books more and more. Artists should just make art because they want to and not because they get paid. Why? Well, because.... And then there is a long pause, and then come the excuses.

The first one is usually: Art is a luxury. It's not something you need. It's not a primal need like food and shelter. We can do fine without art. If you make art it's completely your own choice and the rest of the world should have to pay for your choices. If you wanted to make money you should get a real job.

Then there is another school of thought: Financing art is the duty of the government. They should take care of it. Other people shouldn't be bothered with it. But the government doesn't. The funding for art projects has been cut back dramatically. Why? Because the government believes in argument number one just as much as those other people: art is a luxury that people are willing to sacrifice and if people really want to make art, they can do that on their own.

My friend mentioned another one that I have heard around before and perhaps puzzles me the most: You enjoy making art and therefore you don't need to get paid, or not much anyway. So, if you are a brain surgeon and you really enjoy your job, does that mean you should live on minimum wages as well? Or, if you work as a cleaning lady and really hate your job, should you get paid more? I fail to see the logic. When ever someone tells me that at least I enjoy my work, I'm tempted to ask them if they don't. I'm sure they'll tell me that's not what they meant. I'm sure they would enjoy their job a lot less if they were getting minimum wages. Besides, being an artist isn't all fun. There are plenty of times when you get frustrated and angry and feel like everything you do is useless. I've thought about quitting painting so many times because sometimes, honestly, it drives me nuts. But I can't stop. It's something I simply have to do. Being an artist is not a choice. It's part of who you are. And that's a good excuse for people to let you live on tomato soup for a month? What if I would quit art and get a 'real job'? What if all of us quit? Imagine what the world would look like without art. Pretty bleak, don't you think? It's not a luxury. It's not something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: it's part of what makes us human and someone has to do it. Don't turn it into a dirty job while it should be the highlight of civilisation. Show a little humanity.



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The Zen of painting.

Karel Appel once said: Ik worstel met de materie, soms wint de materie en soms win ik. I struggle with the material, sometimes it wins and sometimes I win. This is a statement that is true for most artists. I have done this for a long time as well. Trying to force the colors into a shape that I thought would fit better. I have found in my daily life that you have to pick your battles. I tried to force my mind into a shape that seemed to fit the world better but it turned out I need to reshape my body to fit my mind better. Most things actually know where they belong and human interference more often breaks a system rather then adding to it.

Recently I have decided to take a different approach to my paintings. The methods I use are still very similar but my view has changed quite a bit. I have given up the struggle. Instead I surrender to the material and allow it to guide me. I let the colors absorb me and let go of all dogmas and conventions. There is no should or must, there is only what is. For once I silence my mind and let intuition take over. It is liberating to say the least. Not only does it allow me to connect with my paintings on a more spiritual level, they are also more approachable for others. Too often people would ask me what my paintings mean and if I asked them to tell me what they thought they would always ask me of they for it right. There is no right or wrong in art. There is a connection or there isn't. Something causes an inner reaction for what ever reason there may be, or it doesn't. That's all there really is. And now people have the freedom to enjoy that and not worry about right or wrong. This blue painting is blue and what ever else you may see in it is yours to see and no one can take that away from you. So take that and enjoy it.

Plot twist: Noodweer, Japan and paintings.

Four years ago Chris and I set up an exhibition for my artwork. By change we got our hands on a really nice space and asked 2 other artists to join in. After the first exhibition we were able to stay a bit longer and set up another one, and then another. Gallery Noodweer was born. Eventually the owner found someone who wanted to rent the space so we had to move on. But we'd had so much fun organizing this we decided to look for a new space and continue our work. And now are yet again forced to move out of the space we have, for the 4th time in as many years. After some debate we decided it is time to finish this project and move on. We had a great time. We learned a lot. Hopefully we inspired others as much as they inspired us. As much as we regret having to quit we came to the conclusion that, right now, in this economic climate, it is simply not possible to run a gallery in this set up. We have one final exhibition in February by Boukje van Iperen which I am really looking forward to. Her work is amazing and I'm glad we can finish with a bang.

 

 

 



So what happens to Noodweer? We need to take a look at what we want, what we want it to mean, what we want to do for people, and how we would want to achieve that. I'm not sure yet how this will take shape. It will take some time to re-evaluate everything that has happened and also to get over our loss. I'm sure Chris and I will collaborate again in the future but right now we need a bit of a breather.

This didn't just happen yesterday so I have had some time to think. I have been thinking a lot about that I want to do with my life in general lately. I had been making plans to go abroad for a while; move to Japan and see if I would have more luck there with my artwork. But then I realized it's hard to get visa so I started looking for easy ways to get one. And then I started looking at courses and job options and before I knew it all these things were no longer about art. Losing Noodweer made me realize that art really is the most important thing in my life and my main focus should really be on my art. I keep losing myself in distractions and I'm not getting anywhere with my career as an artist. I need to stop doing that. I would still love to go to Japan for a while. I love to travel anyway and I would really like to again. But it's not something I should pursue in a way that means sacrificing my art. I need to start taking my work seriously. If I don't, no one else will. Why is this so hard? Because it's got my blood, sweat and tears in it. It's my hopes and dream, my fears and nightmares. My soul. And having that rejected is the hardest thing there is. There is no way I can make it as an artist without going through a lot of rejection first and that part really, really sucks. I'm dreading that part. I know how hard it is going to be as I have tried it before and didn't make it. But this time I feel like I am ready and somehow the idea of succeeding is starting to get scary as well. What do I do then? I know it's way to early to start worrying about that. I still have a long way to go. It's time to take a deep breath and dive in.

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Well, something is happening. (testosterone level should be good now)

Well, I was right. My doctor called last week and confirmed that my testosterone was too low. It was 9.9 in the morning while it should be between 11 and 30. Between 15 and 18 is ideal. And since it drops during the day 9.9 to start with is not enough. No wonder I was changing back. So now I'm at 20mg of gel a day and my body is reacting all right. Holly smokes.

The first two weeks I didn't notice much change but it takes time to get to the right level. And then I got the flu. Usually that means I'm in bed for 2 days and then it takes me another 3 to pull myself together. That's all. It's been over a week now and I still feel far from fit. I spend 12 hours a night in bed and fall asleep on the sofa several times a day. My body is sore all over. My muscles, joints and tendons hurt. I'm hungry and light headed but I have trouble eating. I don't really feel nauseous but my stomach still protests when I try to eat. As a result I ate a lot of crap last week and gained fat which I'm not happy about. Yes, I'm sure, I got measured last Monday. What's even more frustrating is that I'm not gaining any muscle so I have no idea why everything hurts so much. I have to admit I haven't been to the gym in over a week either. All I can manage is a bit of yoga at home and that's all. When I did go to get measured I just sat in the sauna for a bit and went home.

Something is happening though and it is taking up a lot of energy. My concentration is terrible and having a hard time getting anything done. Typing this is taking a lot longer then it should as well. Three cheers for the spelling checker. I'm really curious about what is happening inside of me. On the surface I don't see much happening. Maybe it's in my head, the change. A friend of mine asked if I noticed any difference in thinking. She was referring to the idea that women tend to have a wider horizon while men tend to focus on single goals more. Both valid strategies, just very different. And to be honest, I have been looking at things a bit differently lately. I have been thinking about long term goals a lot more and about the things that I do that do not contribute to those goals. By weeding those out I am making more space for my bigger goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am purely thinking this way because of the testosterone. It might be helping, but it would be weird to say that that's the reason. I think the main reason why I am able to say to myself that yes, this really is what I want to aim for and yes, I can and will do it, is because I am turning into me. Until now I was constantly busy trying to be something I wasn't and trying to convince myself and the rest of the world that I was succeeding at that. This meant that trying to be a good girl came first before anything. It took up so much space there wasn't any room left for me. And now that burden has lifted and suddenly I don't have any excuses anymore to not pursue my dreams. And what is it that I want? I want to paint. It's as simple as that. But it's not all. I want my work to be in the frecking MoMa and the Tate and Booijmans. So yeah, that's kinda big. But lots of other people have managed it, so why not me? I'll never know if I can make it until I try.

Here's a little detail of one of the paintings I have been working on lately.

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Money: bald chickens and tax refunds.

The Netherlands is known as a caretakers state. It means the state takes care of everyone who needs it. This sounds Utopian but in reality it's not. There is no money to use to take care of people who need it even though people are entitled to it. So the government is creating strange systems to fill the hole. Like with students: they all get a grant. I'm not sure how much it is these days but it's less then it used to be. You used to just get this money, everyone, including the people who didn't need it because mommy and daddy had enough to send them to uni, or if you were working and earning money yourself. Now, if your parents can't afford to help you and you have to get a job in addition to your grant to make ends meet, you get cut back. You have to turn in your public transport card and you don't get your grant for several months, depending on how much you earn. So, working and earning money is a bad idea in some cases. Could be, with travel expenses, you are worse off financially because you are working. Really? Yes, really.


Same goes for the type of health benefits I get. I was labeled unfit for regular work a long time again and, alas, they were right to do so (long story, remind me and I'll tell you some time). But I hate being dependent on others, just like most people on benefits. So I have been trying to work and earn my own living. I registered as an entrepreneur to sell my art. Sounds great but is a lot trickier then you'd think. If I earn any money, or work as I do now as a group fitness instructor, I have to tell the UWV, the government department that's in charge of my benefits, and they will adjust my benefits. So, I may be working, and earning money, but I won't be any richer, or less poor. Yes, with some luck or thereof I might actually end up with less money then if I don't work. Mostly it results in a lot of paperwork and frustration and if I wasn't so set on being independent and having my freedom I simply wouldn't bother. Most people don't. They are stuck in a state of dependence and can not get out. It seems 'you need money to make money' is more true now then ever.


I choose the worst time ever to start my business: 2009. At first we all thought, it won't be that bad. We thought, it will be over in no time. But 4 years later things are still getting worse. So selling my paintings has not be profitable. No one is spending money on a luxury like that. Actually, I lost a lot of money investing in materials, exhibitions abroad and trying to promote myself. You need to put yourself out there, show yourself to the world, stretch out your hand and offering the sharks your heart and soul. And they took it, and my money with it, but gave nothing in return. I have learned a lot, gained wisdom, but lost a dream. Lately I even wonder why the hell I even paint at all. Not that I have time to paint but hey. it's the thought that counts, right?


Yesterday mister tax man came over to take a look at my books. He said I did everything right. No problem with my books or anything like that. But, I hadn't been making a profit. And the tax breaks you get as a starting entrepreneur no longer applied to me because of that. So now I have to pay them back. He estimated it will be about 8000 euro's. Yes, that's three zero's. I don't have that kind of money. But neither does the government, remember? In Dutch we say: van een kale kip kan je niet plukken. As in, you can't pluck any feathers from a bald chicken. But that's what they are trying to do anyway. Caretakers state? I think not. They force people to stay dependent on government money and then punish them when they try to make a living on their own. I don't see that as taking care of your people. It's an untenable situation and one day the whole system will crash. I really don't want to know what will happen then.


Right now I need to find a way to gather the money they want me to pay. I don't have a lot of options. I can continue to sell my paintings but with this market it's not very realistic to try to sell them for big bucks. You can check my website (I know, I need to update it (it's even in my old name) but haven't gotten around to it with trying to find other ways of paying my own rent): http://titaniasnoek.com/ Make me a reasonable offer and you've got a deal. If you know a newspaper or magazine that would be willing to pay for some writing that would be great as well. Other then that, I really don't know. Suggestions are welcome, including overthrowing the government again. They never seem to learn.


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http://titaniasnoek.com/