If all goes well the day after tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I'm still half expecting one of my surgeons to have the flue or something. But it will happen. It has to. I have been waiting for this too long already. My bag is packed, I'm ready to go. I have a friend driving me there, another one picking my up and a few visiting me during my stay (including a friend who is like a brother to me who will come visit on his birthday! Love him to bits). After that I have plenty of offers from friends to help me with stuff I need like cooking, food shopping and other chores around the house. Everything is set. All I have to do now is wait for 36 more hours and that's it.
People want to know if I'm nervous. That's a silly question. If course I'm nervous! Something would be wrong if I wasn't. But I'm not scared. It's like the first day of school. Or more like the start of a journey, like I'm moving to a different land. I bought my ticket, I know where I want to go and when I've landed I have to make sure I find my new apartment. Once I'm there everything will sort itself out. But first I have a plane to catch and luggage to check in and pick up again, passport checks and metal detectors to walk through, and a long while of sitting and waiting to get there while I'm moving through time and space. I have been preparing for this for over 2 years now and it is finally happening. Yes, I'm nervous, because this is very important to me and I am very excited, but I'm not scared.
I've said this before: transition is like having a baby. You think about it for a long time, then you make the decision and start preparing for it. Once things have been set in motion you can't go back. There is a lot of waiting, a lot of people poking your body and your mind, and hormones going off balance, but you know it will be worth it. You've been making changes around the house, in your wardrobe, in your social life, all preparing for this. And then, suddenly, it is really happening. It's just around the corner. You are really doing this. You already knew you couldn't go back any more, you passed the point of no return the moment you made the decision to do this, but now it really is final. There is no other option but to go through with this. It's not that you're having doubts. Not at all. It's just that you know that your life will never be there same and you don't know what it will be like after that moment. In a way, very little will change. But in a way, everything will change. It's scary. Change is always scary, no matter how exciting it may be. I'm pretty sure I'll be crying tears of relief after the surgery. And after that? Who knows. It will be the first day of the rest of my life and anything will be possible.
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Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Two weeks and counting.
Fourteen days and one night until my surgery. That doesn't sound very long does it? When I called the hospital to ask when I could get my surgery they told me 4 to 6 weeks after the surgeons have seen you. In my case it turned out to be 11 weeks and it took a lot longer to see my surgeons that I had hoped as well. You are allowed to have surgery one year after you have been given permission to start hormone treatment. Waiting your turn for the screening and the actual screening take quite some time as well. In total it has been 2 and a half years since I came to the conclusion that this was something I had to do. Two and a half years. That's a long time. So what's an extra three months? What's two more weeks? It's a lot I tell you. A lot.
I know I come across as very level headed. Everyone thinks I'm a stable, independent, resilient, strong person who can handle things very well on his own. And they're right, usually I can. But it has been two and a half years of my life constantly revolving around my transition. Me jumping through hoops and sitting on my hands while waiting for others to make major decisions over my life. To say it has been stressful would be an understatement. And I am done. I am tired of it all. I need this to be over. After this I still have to change my passport and of course the VUmc has designed a few more hoops to jump through before I can do that. I can see if I can arrange it some other way once I've had my surgery but that would be more hoops still. I'm not sure which would be easier. I'm tempted to give in and pay the VUmc the 65 euro's simply because I don't have any fight left in me, even though I should have the right to change my passport without their expert statement after my surgery.
I am a strong person. I'm an adult. My transition has been relatively easy. The only people who objected to my transition are people who are not really part of my life any more anyway. Until recently I didn't have any real trouble with the hospital or insurance company (delays don't count, they are normal). And still, I am at the end of my rope. I am done. I am out of energy. I am so tired I feel like banging my head into the wall. I can't sleep, I'm too restless. I can't eat, I'm too stressed. I can't work, I can't focus. Even breathing takes effort. I need this to be over. But there is nothing I can do. 14 days, 12 hours and 17 minutes. I'm counting.
I know I come across as very level headed. Everyone thinks I'm a stable, independent, resilient, strong person who can handle things very well on his own. And they're right, usually I can. But it has been two and a half years of my life constantly revolving around my transition. Me jumping through hoops and sitting on my hands while waiting for others to make major decisions over my life. To say it has been stressful would be an understatement. And I am done. I am tired of it all. I need this to be over. After this I still have to change my passport and of course the VUmc has designed a few more hoops to jump through before I can do that. I can see if I can arrange it some other way once I've had my surgery but that would be more hoops still. I'm not sure which would be easier. I'm tempted to give in and pay the VUmc the 65 euro's simply because I don't have any fight left in me, even though I should have the right to change my passport without their expert statement after my surgery.
I am a strong person. I'm an adult. My transition has been relatively easy. The only people who objected to my transition are people who are not really part of my life any more anyway. Until recently I didn't have any real trouble with the hospital or insurance company (delays don't count, they are normal). And still, I am at the end of my rope. I am done. I am out of energy. I am so tired I feel like banging my head into the wall. I can't sleep, I'm too restless. I can't eat, I'm too stressed. I can't work, I can't focus. Even breathing takes effort. I need this to be over. But there is nothing I can do. 14 days, 12 hours and 17 minutes. I'm counting.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Why creating art should not be for free.
Everybody agrees art should exist. It is one of the things that makes us human. No other life form creates art. It's an important part of our identity as human beings. Yet, a lot of people think art simply should be there. In museums and galleries, out in the street, in and on buildings. Art forms such as music, film and literature are so integrated into our daily lives we don't even think of them as art any more. But they are. Now you can debate whether or not Boy George is art but you can go on about details like that for ever. That is one of the interesting parts of art: it causes discussion. That's not the discussion I want to have today though.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a fellow artist. At some point we ended up talking about finances and time management. Doesn't sound very artsy, does it? It's not. But it is an important part of being an artist. How do you make sure you can not just pay your rent, but also finance your artwork, while still having time to make said artwork. It's a tightrope that all artists face, no matter what type of art they are making. Of course, we all have the hope that one day we will make enough money with our art not to have to do the 'day job' any more. I'm guessing that in 99% of the cases this never happens. Some might manage for a while but in times as uncertain as these you can't count on anything. So even if your art is doing well you're still taking a big risk quitting that day job. This is probably the biggest challenge artists face today. Currently I'm recycling old canvases, basically destroying old paintings, because I can't afford to buy new ones. And since no one is buying those old paintings anyway, I might as well.
I know times are tough and everyone is having a hard time financially. I totally understand people choose to buy a new washing machine instead of art. I do the same thing. But most people don't even think about buying art as an option. They don't see art as something they should pay for. It should simply be there. Fine art is something to look at in museums or galleries. Music and movies are there to download and the same is happening to books more and more. Artists should just make art because they want to and not because they get paid. Why? Well, because.... And then there is a long pause, and then come the excuses.
The first one is usually: Art is a luxury. It's not something you need. It's not a primal need like food and shelter. We can do fine without art. If you make art it's completely your own choice and the rest of the world should have to pay for your choices. If you wanted to make money you should get a real job.
Then there is another school of thought: Financing art is the duty of the government. They should take care of it. Other people shouldn't be bothered with it. But the government doesn't. The funding for art projects has been cut back dramatically. Why? Because the government believes in argument number one just as much as those other people: art is a luxury that people are willing to sacrifice and if people really want to make art, they can do that on their own.
My friend mentioned another one that I have heard around before and perhaps puzzles me the most: You enjoy making art and therefore you don't need to get paid, or not much anyway. So, if you are a brain surgeon and you really enjoy your job, does that mean you should live on minimum wages as well? Or, if you work as a cleaning lady and really hate your job, should you get paid more? I fail to see the logic. When ever someone tells me that at least I enjoy my work, I'm tempted to ask them if they don't. I'm sure they'll tell me that's not what they meant. I'm sure they would enjoy their job a lot less if they were getting minimum wages. Besides, being an artist isn't all fun. There are plenty of times when you get frustrated and angry and feel like everything you do is useless. I've thought about quitting painting so many times because sometimes, honestly, it drives me nuts. But I can't stop. It's something I simply have to do. Being an artist is not a choice. It's part of who you are. And that's a good excuse for people to let you live on tomato soup for a month? What if I would quit art and get a 'real job'? What if all of us quit? Imagine what the world would look like without art. Pretty bleak, don't you think? It's not a luxury. It's not something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: it's part of what makes us human and someone has to do it. Don't turn it into a dirty job while it should be the highlight of civilisation. Show a little humanity.
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A few weeks ago I was talking to a fellow artist. At some point we ended up talking about finances and time management. Doesn't sound very artsy, does it? It's not. But it is an important part of being an artist. How do you make sure you can not just pay your rent, but also finance your artwork, while still having time to make said artwork. It's a tightrope that all artists face, no matter what type of art they are making. Of course, we all have the hope that one day we will make enough money with our art not to have to do the 'day job' any more. I'm guessing that in 99% of the cases this never happens. Some might manage for a while but in times as uncertain as these you can't count on anything. So even if your art is doing well you're still taking a big risk quitting that day job. This is probably the biggest challenge artists face today. Currently I'm recycling old canvases, basically destroying old paintings, because I can't afford to buy new ones. And since no one is buying those old paintings anyway, I might as well.
I know times are tough and everyone is having a hard time financially. I totally understand people choose to buy a new washing machine instead of art. I do the same thing. But most people don't even think about buying art as an option. They don't see art as something they should pay for. It should simply be there. Fine art is something to look at in museums or galleries. Music and movies are there to download and the same is happening to books more and more. Artists should just make art because they want to and not because they get paid. Why? Well, because.... And then there is a long pause, and then come the excuses.
The first one is usually: Art is a luxury. It's not something you need. It's not a primal need like food and shelter. We can do fine without art. If you make art it's completely your own choice and the rest of the world should have to pay for your choices. If you wanted to make money you should get a real job.
Then there is another school of thought: Financing art is the duty of the government. They should take care of it. Other people shouldn't be bothered with it. But the government doesn't. The funding for art projects has been cut back dramatically. Why? Because the government believes in argument number one just as much as those other people: art is a luxury that people are willing to sacrifice and if people really want to make art, they can do that on their own.
My friend mentioned another one that I have heard around before and perhaps puzzles me the most: You enjoy making art and therefore you don't need to get paid, or not much anyway. So, if you are a brain surgeon and you really enjoy your job, does that mean you should live on minimum wages as well? Or, if you work as a cleaning lady and really hate your job, should you get paid more? I fail to see the logic. When ever someone tells me that at least I enjoy my work, I'm tempted to ask them if they don't. I'm sure they'll tell me that's not what they meant. I'm sure they would enjoy their job a lot less if they were getting minimum wages. Besides, being an artist isn't all fun. There are plenty of times when you get frustrated and angry and feel like everything you do is useless. I've thought about quitting painting so many times because sometimes, honestly, it drives me nuts. But I can't stop. It's something I simply have to do. Being an artist is not a choice. It's part of who you are. And that's a good excuse for people to let you live on tomato soup for a month? What if I would quit art and get a 'real job'? What if all of us quit? Imagine what the world would look like without art. Pretty bleak, don't you think? It's not a luxury. It's not something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: it's part of what makes us human and someone has to do it. Don't turn it into a dirty job while it should be the highlight of civilisation. Show a little humanity.
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