Everybody agrees art should exist. It is one of the things that makes us human. No other life form creates art. It's an important part of our identity as human beings. Yet, a lot of people think art simply should be there. In museums and galleries, out in the street, in and on buildings. Art forms such as music, film and literature are so integrated into our daily lives we don't even think of them as art any more. But they are. Now you can debate whether or not Boy George is art but you can go on about details like that for ever. That is one of the interesting parts of art: it causes discussion. That's not the discussion I want to have today though.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a fellow artist. At some point we ended up talking about finances and time management. Doesn't sound very artsy, does it? It's not. But it is an important part of being an artist. How do you make sure you can not just pay your rent, but also finance your artwork, while still having time to make said artwork. It's a tightrope that all artists face, no matter what type of art they are making. Of course, we all have the hope that one day we will make enough money with our art not to have to do the 'day job' any more. I'm guessing that in 99% of the cases this never happens. Some might manage for a while but in times as uncertain as these you can't count on anything. So even if your art is doing well you're still taking a big risk quitting that day job. This is probably the biggest challenge artists face today. Currently I'm recycling old canvases, basically destroying old paintings, because I can't afford to buy new ones. And since no one is buying those old paintings anyway, I might as well.
I know times are tough and everyone is having a hard time financially. I totally understand people choose to buy a new washing machine instead of art. I do the same thing. But most people don't even think about buying art as an option. They don't see art as something they should pay for. It should simply be there. Fine art is something to look at in museums or galleries. Music and movies are there to download and the same is happening to books more and more. Artists should just make art because they want to and not because they get paid. Why? Well, because.... And then there is a long pause, and then come the excuses.
The first one is usually: Art is a luxury. It's not something you need. It's not a primal need like food and shelter. We can do fine without art. If you make art it's completely your own choice and the rest of the world should have to pay for your choices. If you wanted to make money you should get a real job.
Then there is another school of thought: Financing art is the duty of the government. They should take care of it. Other people shouldn't be bothered with it. But the government doesn't. The funding for art projects has been cut back dramatically. Why? Because the government believes in argument number one just as much as those other people: art is a luxury that people are willing to sacrifice and if people really want to make art, they can do that on their own.
My friend mentioned another one that I have heard around before and perhaps puzzles me the most: You enjoy making art and therefore you don't need to get paid, or not much anyway. So, if you are a brain surgeon and you really enjoy your job, does that mean you should live on minimum wages as well? Or, if you work as a cleaning lady and really hate your job, should you get paid more? I fail to see the logic. When ever someone tells me that at least I enjoy my work, I'm tempted to ask them if they don't. I'm sure they'll tell me that's not what they meant. I'm sure they would enjoy their job a lot less if they were getting minimum wages. Besides, being an artist isn't all fun. There are plenty of times when you get frustrated and angry and feel like everything you do is useless. I've thought about quitting painting so many times because sometimes, honestly, it drives me nuts. But I can't stop. It's something I simply have to do. Being an artist is not a choice. It's part of who you are. And that's a good excuse for people to let you live on tomato soup for a month? What if I would quit art and get a 'real job'? What if all of us quit? Imagine what the world would look like without art. Pretty bleak, don't you think? It's not a luxury. It's not something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: it's part of what makes us human and someone has to do it. Don't turn it into a dirty job while it should be the highlight of civilisation. Show a little humanity.
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Showing posts with label humanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humanity. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
Burn baby burn
Last winter I had a burn out. Really? I did? Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out myself. And once I had figured it out I was ashamed to admit it. First to myself, then to others. But you know me. When ever I feel something is wrong I start wondering why and can never keep my mouth shut about my findings. So what was going on here?
During my twenties I spent a lot of time in therapy. I was what one could call guano crazy. I was officially declared unfit for regular work and have been living on government benefits ever since. Not that I haven't tried to study or work. I have tried plenty. But every time I had to come to the conclusion they were right: I am unfit for regular work. So I shouldn't do that. I am coming to terms with that now, since I had yet another burn out this winter. Seems like I finally learned my lesson. Most people who are sitting at home actually want to do something useful. So do I. So even though I don't have to work to be able to cover my basic bills (and not much more but this is a different story) I do want to do something. I started doing volunteer work at the COC, the LGBT rights organisation. I set up a non profit gallery with a friend of mine. I thought group classes as several gyms. I continued making art. And I started my transition from female to male.
I got a shoulder injury and decided it was a good moment to take a break from teaching at the gyms. The gallery was taking up more and more time so it was a good excuse to quit at the COC where I felt overwhelmed. And then the gallery lost its major sponsor and we could no longer stay at the location we had. We decided to close down after 4 years. Honestly, I was relieved it closed. It meant I could take some time to myself and catch my breath. I took a week, and then another. It turned into a month and then two. And I am still tired. I tell people I can't really do anything right now because I am waiting for my surgery this summer. Honestly, that's not the whole story. I burned out last winter and I need some time to recover. I don't know how long this is going to take but it will take as long as it needs to. I'm not going to set any goals or deadlines. I'm going to take it a day at a time and if my energy is good that day I'll use it. If my energy is low I'll take it easy. I'm not going to let myself burn out again. I've done it too many times already.
I know what I did wrong. The next question is why. Lately half the time I'm on public transport I overhear people complain to each other or on the phone about the pressure at work and school. They are constantly being asked to do a little extra. Again and again. All those things are relatively small but they add up. To a lot. People are working extra hours to get all the work done and have to do additional courses to keep their jobs. Even if the course has nothing to do with their actual work. People are discouraged to call in sick when they really should. People are sacrificing their free time to catch up with paperwork. It seems like everyone is terrified of losing their jobs. At first I thought that was it: people want to keep their jobs and with unemployment as high as it is people are willing to do anything to not get fired. But why does this state of fear flows over into the school system? Kids are cracking under the pressure and they feel guilty about it. What's happening there?
When I was growing up our parents told us we could be anything we wanted. The choice was ours. This idea is still valid. But, if you want to be A, then you also have to be X, Y and Z. Even if you don't want to be X, Y and Z and they have nothing to do with what you are doing. The things you want to do are now pre packaged with a bunch of other stuff. There are conditions to everything. This isn't really something new. There are always things attached to everything. When you want to be your own boss and become an entrepreneur you also have to do all the paperwork that goes with it. If you love teaching and inspiring people it also means you have to prepare your classes and score the tests. There are always conditions. But these days it seems that the conditions overshadow the actual work. People are so busy with their check lists that they hardly have time to do what they wanted to do in the first place: the job they chose. Why do we allow this? Not just because we are afraid of losing our jobs. It's bigger then that.
This wave of pressure can be felt by everyone, even stay at home parents or people like me. The general consensus these days seems to be: you can be anything you want, if you work hard enough. If you fail you didn't work hard enough so it's your own fault and you don't deserve to be happy. I'm guessing this is why we put up with this nonsense. We want to prove we can handle it to earn our happiness. It's like a continual pissing contest. Survival of the fittest. A rat race. Maybe we are letting this happen because unemployment is so high. Maybe the "power corrupts" principle is being applied on a massive scale today. People are being told they actually do have control over their own lives. All they have to do is work their hands till they bleed with no reward, just postponed punishment. Orwell wasn't far off after all.
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During my twenties I spent a lot of time in therapy. I was what one could call guano crazy. I was officially declared unfit for regular work and have been living on government benefits ever since. Not that I haven't tried to study or work. I have tried plenty. But every time I had to come to the conclusion they were right: I am unfit for regular work. So I shouldn't do that. I am coming to terms with that now, since I had yet another burn out this winter. Seems like I finally learned my lesson. Most people who are sitting at home actually want to do something useful. So do I. So even though I don't have to work to be able to cover my basic bills (and not much more but this is a different story) I do want to do something. I started doing volunteer work at the COC, the LGBT rights organisation. I set up a non profit gallery with a friend of mine. I thought group classes as several gyms. I continued making art. And I started my transition from female to male.
I got a shoulder injury and decided it was a good moment to take a break from teaching at the gyms. The gallery was taking up more and more time so it was a good excuse to quit at the COC where I felt overwhelmed. And then the gallery lost its major sponsor and we could no longer stay at the location we had. We decided to close down after 4 years. Honestly, I was relieved it closed. It meant I could take some time to myself and catch my breath. I took a week, and then another. It turned into a month and then two. And I am still tired. I tell people I can't really do anything right now because I am waiting for my surgery this summer. Honestly, that's not the whole story. I burned out last winter and I need some time to recover. I don't know how long this is going to take but it will take as long as it needs to. I'm not going to set any goals or deadlines. I'm going to take it a day at a time and if my energy is good that day I'll use it. If my energy is low I'll take it easy. I'm not going to let myself burn out again. I've done it too many times already.
I know what I did wrong. The next question is why. Lately half the time I'm on public transport I overhear people complain to each other or on the phone about the pressure at work and school. They are constantly being asked to do a little extra. Again and again. All those things are relatively small but they add up. To a lot. People are working extra hours to get all the work done and have to do additional courses to keep their jobs. Even if the course has nothing to do with their actual work. People are discouraged to call in sick when they really should. People are sacrificing their free time to catch up with paperwork. It seems like everyone is terrified of losing their jobs. At first I thought that was it: people want to keep their jobs and with unemployment as high as it is people are willing to do anything to not get fired. But why does this state of fear flows over into the school system? Kids are cracking under the pressure and they feel guilty about it. What's happening there?
When I was growing up our parents told us we could be anything we wanted. The choice was ours. This idea is still valid. But, if you want to be A, then you also have to be X, Y and Z. Even if you don't want to be X, Y and Z and they have nothing to do with what you are doing. The things you want to do are now pre packaged with a bunch of other stuff. There are conditions to everything. This isn't really something new. There are always things attached to everything. When you want to be your own boss and become an entrepreneur you also have to do all the paperwork that goes with it. If you love teaching and inspiring people it also means you have to prepare your classes and score the tests. There are always conditions. But these days it seems that the conditions overshadow the actual work. People are so busy with their check lists that they hardly have time to do what they wanted to do in the first place: the job they chose. Why do we allow this? Not just because we are afraid of losing our jobs. It's bigger then that.
This wave of pressure can be felt by everyone, even stay at home parents or people like me. The general consensus these days seems to be: you can be anything you want, if you work hard enough. If you fail you didn't work hard enough so it's your own fault and you don't deserve to be happy. I'm guessing this is why we put up with this nonsense. We want to prove we can handle it to earn our happiness. It's like a continual pissing contest. Survival of the fittest. A rat race. Maybe we are letting this happen because unemployment is so high. Maybe the "power corrupts" principle is being applied on a massive scale today. People are being told they actually do have control over their own lives. All they have to do is work their hands till they bleed with no reward, just postponed punishment. Orwell wasn't far off after all.
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Thursday, November 28, 2013
Man up! Movember versus Decembeaver.
I always have a bunch of tabs open in my browser. I keep some tabs
because they are articles I still want to read or a video I want to
watch, or because I want to write something on that topic, like the next
two video links:
I have had them open for almost 2 weeks now and I have been thinking
about what it was really that bothered me so much about decembeaver. Even if it is a joke to raise awareness for Movember I know there will be a lot of people who will take it seriously. I mean, there are people who thought they had really found mermaids.
And then I found this link:
And then I found this link:
And that's when it hit me. I realized what this was
about: male emancipation. There is such a thing? Well, there should be.
We're working on it, but it's a very slow process. The reason being that
most people think we don't need it. People think that men have always
been the dominant, and therefor privileged, gender. We are supposed to
be the stronger sex. But are we? Do we not bleed if you cut us? Why yes,
we actually do. We do have feeling and we do get hurt but we are not
allowed to express that. Showing sign of weakness means you are not a
real man. The pressure is huge and depression among men is much more
common then people think. Men are not likely to get help because this
means admitting you are weak. Even admitting this to yourself is a huge
challenge for most.
The ironic thing about humans is that
they invented the word inhumane. It applies to humans only. Animals are
not inhumane. They are simply animals. But humans are capable of cruelty
beyond compare. In the meantime there is a quality that is widely
spread in the animal kingdom. It's called compassion. It's quite an
amazing thing. What you do is you protect and support an individual that
is weaker then you are. I'm pretty sure people are capable of it too.
They call it acting humane then. It's pretty much the opposite of
bullying. Pretty cool huh? But what do men get when they show weakness?
They are told to Man Up! And with that they are denied compassion,
something I believe to be a primal need for a social species like ours.
The
reason why I like the Movember movement so much is that it shows men
that it is okay to talk about their health in a way that wasn't possible
before. Admitting there are serious health risks in men's lives is
admitting that men are not untouchable. That they do have weakness and
they do need to be cared for, by themselves and by others. This is a
huge step. Even the way Movember came into existence is a clear example
of how difficult it is for men to talk about these kind of things.
Prostate cancer kills about just as many men as breast cancer kills
women and not a single man has had (excuse the pun) the balls to stand
up and battle this publicly, raising awareness and creating support. Because men's illness is something you don't talk about. But now we finally do. About bloody time.
And
then what happens? Ladies, don't get me wrong. I'm totally okay with
you not shaving what ever part of your body you want to. I really don't
care. But this counter move pisses me off. Men finally have something
that helps them talk about serious life and death issues and it is
trivialized by making it about growing hair in a place you don't like.
The mustache is becoming a symbol for men's health. We are finally able
to talk about these things and you are making us feel stupid by saying:
oh we can grow hair too if we want. Let us have this! We need this. And
you can say men already run the world and we owe you but this is
serious. We are talking about human lives here that are at risk. Show
some respect, please. If you want to grow hair somewhere, by all means,
go ahead. It's your body and you can do with it what ever you want. Just
let us have Movember.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror
As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.
"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
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"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
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Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just to get a few things clear.
A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Do the Harlem Shake.
There are many meme's going round on the internet. We all know the grumpy cat, the ecards, the endless photo's, either alone or combined with other, initially totally unrelated photo's, with endless sarcastic comments. And of course the video's of the latest thing to do like planking, batmanning, owling and now the Harlem shake. I'm all for meme's. I think they are part of culture. Not just modern culture. Humans have always shared customs that represent some form of value, resistance, community, moral, and so forth. The idea is to show that you understand each other and are part of the same group. That you are friend rather then foe. That you share the same ideology. Modern meme's do the same thing. They comment on society and represent our social standards or lack there of. Same as gossip does. It actually tells us a lot about ourselves and how we see ourselves.
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Friday, February 15, 2013
Another one bites the dust. (suicide)
Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.
I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.
About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.
"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth
I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.
The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.
This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.
If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.
About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.
"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth
I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.
The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.
This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.
If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.
Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?
I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.
There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.
A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.
But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?
One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.
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I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.
There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.
A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.
But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?
One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.
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Saturday, February 2, 2013
GenderFreeZone 6th edition.
Last night the sixth edition of the GenderFreeZone took place at the COC Leiden. (If you want to know more about the COC and what I'm doing there, check this blog: It's official. ) It was the first one that took place under my supervision and I am proud to tell you it was a great success. We had asked someone to do a workshop on self-confidence and assertiveness. Rusz had done a workshop at the GFZ before but that was before my time. I had heard people really liked it so we had decided to invite her again. It turned out to be a good idea indeed. We had about a dozen people coming in which was a nice crowd. There was enough time for everyone to tell their stories and get some personal attention from Rusz. Actually the workshop ended about half an hour late because everyone was enjoying it so much. It felt like we could have continued talking for the rest of the night.
One of the things we all noticed was how much we all have in common. We had people in who were still exploring and were unsure of where they wanted to go, all the way up to people who had completed their transition from one gender to the other and pretty much everything in between. But we all had felt the isolation, the alienation, the struggles, the search, the long road of finding yourself. And we had all felt like freaks at some point and probably sometimes still do. But not that night. We were among equals, even though they were strangers mostly, and we knew we were safe. I was truly amazed at how open and forthcoming everyone was, how positive and supportive towards each other. You could sense people feeling stronger and stronger during the evening. It made me feel all warm inside, knowing I had helped to make that possible. I really can't wait until the next GFZ evening.
At the end of the evening I handed out feedback forms. I had only printed out 10 because I hadn't expected more people. I got back 8 so that's a pretty good score. The general consensus was that they were all very content and had enjoyed the evening. And also, that they wanted more. Once every 3 months doesn't cut it for them. I already knew that but having it in writing means I can go to the chief and tell him I need more time. I'm seeing him next week on a different matter but I can bring it up and see what happens. It would be great if we could get a GFZ café every month or even every 2 weeks or so. Which reminds me, I need to ask about the dates for the movies that will be playing. There should be a couple with a T theme in there so us T people can get together then too. All in all, there is work to be done and I am 100% confident that it will pay off. Let's get crackin'!
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One of the things we all noticed was how much we all have in common. We had people in who were still exploring and were unsure of where they wanted to go, all the way up to people who had completed their transition from one gender to the other and pretty much everything in between. But we all had felt the isolation, the alienation, the struggles, the search, the long road of finding yourself. And we had all felt like freaks at some point and probably sometimes still do. But not that night. We were among equals, even though they were strangers mostly, and we knew we were safe. I was truly amazed at how open and forthcoming everyone was, how positive and supportive towards each other. You could sense people feeling stronger and stronger during the evening. It made me feel all warm inside, knowing I had helped to make that possible. I really can't wait until the next GFZ evening.
At the end of the evening I handed out feedback forms. I had only printed out 10 because I hadn't expected more people. I got back 8 so that's a pretty good score. The general consensus was that they were all very content and had enjoyed the evening. And also, that they wanted more. Once every 3 months doesn't cut it for them. I already knew that but having it in writing means I can go to the chief and tell him I need more time. I'm seeing him next week on a different matter but I can bring it up and see what happens. It would be great if we could get a GFZ café every month or even every 2 weeks or so. Which reminds me, I need to ask about the dates for the movies that will be playing. There should be a couple with a T theme in there so us T people can get together then too. All in all, there is work to be done and I am 100% confident that it will pay off. Let's get crackin'!
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Saturday, January 12, 2013
Three generations.
A friend of mine got a text today from her mother, stating she was in distress and needed help. Of course my friend went. This is not the first time I have heard about something like this: a parent asking a child for help because they were in emotional distress. Somehow I always get slightly mad about it. A parent should not have to ask their child for help in that way, no matter how old the child is. But it happens, more then you'd think. So I started wondering why.
Why is it that such a large chunk of the previous generation has such trouble dealing with their emotions? Why have they never learned how? So I looked at the generation before them, our grandparents. And there it is. The Second World War. We tend to forget our grandparents were survivors. They saw horrible things and survived them. Concentration camps, the horrible winter, living in constant fear. We forget these things. In times of peace, war seems so far away. No, we are not living in total peace, there is a war going on somewhere every single second. But we don't feel it. We don't see it. Most of us don't anyway. We shy away from the soldiers that come back from fighting wars in countries a lot of people can't even locate on a map. It's not OUR war. We know nothing of war. And we certainly don't notice how quite a few of us, more then we think, are still battling the results of that great war over 50 years ago.
Our parents were taught not to be vulnerable. Showing how you feel, or talking about it, made you vulnerable. At the camps, such things could mean instant death. For fear of losing their children the survivors taught their children what they had done to make it out alive: keep your head down, keep everything locked inside. A very effective survival strategy in the camps, but now the war is over it backfires. A lot of people don't know how to react to how they feel. Sometimes they don't even know what they feel at all. But humans are emotional creatures and not being able to express what they feel is not healthy. So they get confused and sad. I once read somewhere it takes about 3 generations to get over a war trauma. Yes, I believe it really does takes that long. I see it happening all around me; people my generation giving in to the confusion and sadness, allowing it to be present and working through all the emotions to come out more complete, more alive. And then they end up seeing the pain their parents still carry, not resenting them, but feeling sorry for them that they were not able to recover. They still have time. They can still claim their own lives and make something more out of it then sheer survival. I hope they will.
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Tuesday, November 13, 2012
Who's being stupid and selfish here?
Someone I know posted this on facebook a few days ago.
Gisteren meteen vanuit mijn werk met de trein naar Den Haag geweest voor een belangrijk document te halen en daarna rechtstreeks door naar Pijnacker (zoetermeer) voor een heerlijk dagje sauna..........Nu denk iedereen "heerlijk toch"......klopt in zovere maar nu komt het de terug reis met de trein :-( arme NS gisteren was blijkbaar een Doomsday in Nederland, we hadden meerdere vertragingen en miste daardoor meerdere overstap treinen omdat er 4 mensen willekeurig van elkaar en op verschillende plaatsen voor de trein zijn gesprongen en waarvan 3 vrijwel in de route die wij dus terug moesten nemen :-(.............wat bezielt zulke mensen toch om voor de trein te springen en daardoor die arme machinist en die gene die het moeten opruimen zo een trauma te bezorgen ...........soms doen mensen dingen die ongelooflijk stom en egoïstische zijn.............maargoed en daardoor gisteren pas om 0 uur thuis en vannacht slecht geslapen ....zucht verslapen en een collega laten wachten voor naar CW :-( ........nu maar weer het dagelijkse dingen oppakken en strijken en koken .............FB vrienden fijne dag nog
Rough English translation by google translate:
Yesterday directly from work I took the train to Den Haag to pick up an important document and then directly to Pijnacker (Zoetermeer) for a lovely day sauna .......... Now everyone thinks "sounds lovely." ..... ttrue so far, but now comes the return journey by train :-( poor NS yesterday was apparently a Doomsday in the Netherlands, we had several delays and missed several train switches because there were 4 people at random from each other and different places who jumped in front of a train, including 3 practically on our route back home :-( ............. what inspires such people anyway, to jump in front of a train and therefore traumatizing that poor driver and the ones who have to clean up ........... sometimes people do things that are incredibly stupid and selfish ............. but anyway and therefore we only got home at 0 hours home yesterday and slept badly last night .... sigh overslept and wait for a colleague to CW :-( ........ now to pick up the everyday things and ironing and cooking ... FB friends ..........have a nice day
I hardly know where to begin. I told him it was disrespectful and he changed his post to something that he thought was less bad but to me seemed equally narrow minded. I did not respond to that one. I didn't see the point. It made me really angry and sad at the same time. Someone else responded to his post as well, agreeing it was selfish and stupid etc. I don't understand how people can react like that. Someone felt so horrible that they felt the need to do something as desperate as that and they bitch about their trains running late? I've heard loads of people make these complaints. Someone decided the Dutch railway needed to clarify delays and now when someone jumps it's all over the boards: delay due to collision with a person. Sure, now we can't blame the NS (Dutch railway) for the delay but come one. Do they really have to spread out the sorrow like that, make everyone part it? I wonder if they have any idea how many people feel sick the rest of the day because of hearing something like that. When you think about it, it's not easy to hear at all. Someone was in pain, so much pain they decided to end their lives, and they wanted to be 100% sure they would succeed. Someone lost a son or a daughter. Someone lost a sibling, a loved one, a classmate, a college, a neighbor. And people sit in the train, sighing, I'm going to be home late and I'm hungry damnit! Why can't they just go and kill themselves at home? You wouldn't believe the things I've heard people say. I hardly believe it. Sometimes it takes quite a lot not to just punch them in the face.
There are two main reasons why this bothers me a lot. One is the fact that people don't seem to connect to each other anymore, which is probably also one of the reasons for some of the suicides. People think only about themselves. They don't think about helping each other. They don't see each other people's pain, or even when they do see it they don't feel inclined to do something about it. As long as it doesn't interfere with their daily lives they simply don't care. Stephen Jones said it on his album Almost Cured of Sadness in one of the interludes:
sadness does not have a home, you come home from a hard days work, the last thing you want to be confronted with is sadness, you want happiness at all cost, i don't care what you have to say, you tell me you just lost someone, people really don't give a shit, they want to hear a new song or something on TV, asshole, thats what it is, sadness does not have a home.
And it's true. We just want to watch what ever is hip and happening now. Bite sized entertainment. No personal connection. We watch the Barbie dolls parade around on TV and pretend we can all be like that if we just put on a plastic smile. We are losing our humanity. If you don't want people jumping in front of your train so you're late for the next America's Next Topmodel, maybe you should pay a bit more attention to the people around you and their needs. Maybe we should be a bit more courteous every now and then. Maybe we should say "sorry, are you okay?" next time we bump into someone instead of just thinking about ourselves and bitching at them. Maybe, if we had a minute of silence for the person who passed away on the trains instead of just the announcement that yes, we're all gonna be late for dinner, maybe there would be less people hurting. It might not seem like much, but if you pile up all the little things they become big things. The little things can sometimes make or ruin your day. Imagine what that could do on a larger scale.
The other thing is that I have been there. I never had the courage to jump in front of a train, else I wouldn't be here. And yes, it takes serious balls to do something like that. Imagine what kind of hell someone must be in to do something like that. But I have attempted suicide when I was younger, several times actually, up until my late 20's. I know to some extend how those people feel. I have many friends who have been at that point and some whom I fear for still. I had a narrow escape and got lucky. I worked very hard to get out of that and there were times I didn't think I would make it. I still have bad days every now and then and wonder what the point to it all really is. But I keep fighting and things have gotten better. I will always keep on fighting. I can't do it alone though. I need a little help from my friends, colleges, teachers etc. And from people who bump into my in the streets and say sorry and ask if I'm okay instead of giving me an angry look telling me I'm in the way and shouldn't be there. So yes, that's you. When was the last time you held a door open for someone? When did you last pick something up for someone else when they dropped it right in front of you? When did you last say thank you and have a good day to someone working in a store? Have you ever said hello to the cleaning lady at all? These are small things that we all can do. They may seem meaningless but when you are in a bad place, it's little things like this that can help you hold on a little longer and decide that yes, life is worth fighting for. And for those who are not depressed, it would still make your day a whole lot sunnier, now wouldn't it?
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