Everybody agrees art should exist. It is one of the things that makes us human. No other life form creates art. It's an important part of our identity as human beings. Yet, a lot of people think art simply should be there. In museums and galleries, out in the street, in and on buildings. Art forms such as music, film and literature are so integrated into our daily lives we don't even think of them as art any more. But they are. Now you can debate whether or not Boy George is art but you can go on about details like that for ever. That is one of the interesting parts of art: it causes discussion. That's not the discussion I want to have today though.
A few weeks ago I was talking to a fellow artist. At some point we ended up talking about finances and time management. Doesn't sound very artsy, does it? It's not. But it is an important part of being an artist. How do you make sure you can not just pay your rent, but also finance your artwork, while still having time to make said artwork. It's a tightrope that all artists face, no matter what type of art they are making. Of course, we all have the hope that one day we will make enough money with our art not to have to do the 'day job' any more. I'm guessing that in 99% of the cases this never happens. Some might manage for a while but in times as uncertain as these you can't count on anything. So even if your art is doing well you're still taking a big risk quitting that day job. This is probably the biggest challenge artists face today. Currently I'm recycling old canvases, basically destroying old paintings, because I can't afford to buy new ones. And since no one is buying those old paintings anyway, I might as well.
I know times are tough and everyone is having a hard time financially. I totally understand people choose to buy a new washing machine instead of art. I do the same thing. But most people don't even think about buying art as an option. They don't see art as something they should pay for. It should simply be there. Fine art is something to look at in museums or galleries. Music and movies are there to download and the same is happening to books more and more. Artists should just make art because they want to and not because they get paid. Why? Well, because.... And then there is a long pause, and then come the excuses.
The first one is usually: Art is a luxury. It's not something you need. It's not a primal need like food and shelter. We can do fine without art. If you make art it's completely your own choice and the rest of the world should have to pay for your choices. If you wanted to make money you should get a real job.
Then there is another school of thought: Financing art is the duty of the government. They should take care of it. Other people shouldn't be bothered with it. But the government doesn't. The funding for art projects has been cut back dramatically. Why? Because the government believes in argument number one just as much as those other people: art is a luxury that people are willing to sacrifice and if people really want to make art, they can do that on their own.
My friend mentioned another one that I have heard around before and perhaps puzzles me the most: You enjoy making art and therefore you don't need to get paid, or not much anyway. So, if you are a brain surgeon and you really enjoy your job, does that mean you should live on minimum wages as well? Or, if you work as a cleaning lady and really hate your job, should you get paid more? I fail to see the logic. When ever someone tells me that at least I enjoy my work, I'm tempted to ask them if they don't. I'm sure they'll tell me that's not what they meant. I'm sure they would enjoy their job a lot less if they were getting minimum wages. Besides, being an artist isn't all fun. There are plenty of times when you get frustrated and angry and feel like everything you do is useless. I've thought about quitting painting so many times because sometimes, honestly, it drives me nuts. But I can't stop. It's something I simply have to do. Being an artist is not a choice. It's part of who you are. And that's a good excuse for people to let you live on tomato soup for a month? What if I would quit art and get a 'real job'? What if all of us quit? Imagine what the world would look like without art. Pretty bleak, don't you think? It's not a luxury. It's not something that should be taken for granted. Like I said: it's part of what makes us human and someone has to do it. Don't turn it into a dirty job while it should be the highlight of civilisation. Show a little humanity.
Follow me on Facebook.
Showing posts with label expression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label expression. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Boxer shorts and kilts. Male emancipation.
Working as a volunteer for COC Leiden on the educational program I find myself confronted with a classroom full of 15 year old children. In most cases these kids have no idea what my life looks like and the struggle transgenders have been going through for so long. Some of them honestly don't understand why it should be such a problem. Others find it all very odd and don't see how it relates to their world. But being transgender can happen to anyone. People are trying to show that transsexuals are more intelligent then the averaged person. I seriously doubt that's true. It could be that people with a lower IQ simply don't understand what the problem is or don't have the means to express themselves or the means to actually do something about their situation and therefor decide to stay the way they are because they don't seem to have a choice. Genderdysphoria hits all parts of society equally.
But that doesn't make it any stranger to those kids. Why would a guy want to wear a skirt? One day, standing in front of a class, I was tempted to say: I wear boxer shorts too, nobody thinks that's weird. I realized how odd it was to say that, being a female to male transgender. And then it hit me. Even if I was a real girl, it would still be okay for me to wear boy's undies. But the other way around, it wasn't okay. I told them this was silly. That boys should be allowed to wear girl's clothes if girls were allowed to wear boy's clothes like trousers and boxer shorts. Yes, trousers. It wasn't too long ago that a girl would get beaten by her own mother for wearing trousers. And now we think it's completely normal. But boys still can't wear skirts. Marilyn Manson once said that Robert Smith (the Cure) made it okay for boys to wear lipstick. I wish that was really true. Fact is, if a regular boy, not someone famous or who works in entertainment, wears lipstick out on the street, and not on a stage, he will most likely get beaten up. The only time a boy can wear a skirt outside is when it is a kilt, which is Scottish battle clothing. But even then, it is worn as a statement, and people look and point.
Going from girl to boy, from Venus to Mars, I have noticed there are things I suddenly can't do anymore. Like wearing a skirt or make up if I want to. Those things are just not done. Suddenly the things I say that were labeled as strong and independent being said by a woman, were found rude and offensive when said as a man. I find myself needing to sensor myself, not because of what I say or even how I say it, because I would have said it the same way as a woman, but because I am male. Women are expected to stand up for themselves, to fight for their rights. Men are expected to already have rights and should not claim them because by claiming their rights they are automatically suppressing women. Really? It would seem so. I find it all very strange. It seems to me like men are even more stuck in their gender role then women are. Remember people asked me why I couldn't just be a masculine woman or a tomboy because that would be easier? It would be easier. A lot! Mostly because you don't lose the rights you have as a woman. I had no idea how limited men are in their personal expression until I started living as one. Being a masculine woman means getting more freedom and being able to make your own choices. Being a feminine man means losing your rights as a man and not gaining the rights of women. Women have been fighting to gain the rights of men and have succeeded on many levels, though the fight is still far from over. I wish them all the best, I really do. It made my life a lot easier while I was still trying to live as a woman. But men have hardly started the battle to gain the rights of women. Every now and then a man stands up and raises his fist, but it doesn't seem to stick.
Maybe men are afraid that when they try to gain women's rights they will lose their own rights and will be left with nothing. As a transman it's even more difficult because you feel you have to prove your manhood. You have to compensate for not having a penis. And if you do decide to wear a bit of make up every now and then suddenly you are not trans enough and not a 'real' transsexual. Again, something that seems very silly to me and a lot of people agree it is silly indeed. But I don't see a lot of people standing up for this. A lot of transsexuals are afraid that people will think they are actually transvestites when they hold on to some habits that are linked to their old gender. This does happen and does not help at all. Maybe we should all pay less attention to what we all 'should do' and pay more attention to ourselves, who we really are and how we want to express ourselves, no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Though maybe not while we are walking the dog late in the evening... I know there is a fair chance of getting beaten up over this, but I'd rather stand up for what I believe in and get a few bruises then continue to live in shame. Who's with me?
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
But that doesn't make it any stranger to those kids. Why would a guy want to wear a skirt? One day, standing in front of a class, I was tempted to say: I wear boxer shorts too, nobody thinks that's weird. I realized how odd it was to say that, being a female to male transgender. And then it hit me. Even if I was a real girl, it would still be okay for me to wear boy's undies. But the other way around, it wasn't okay. I told them this was silly. That boys should be allowed to wear girl's clothes if girls were allowed to wear boy's clothes like trousers and boxer shorts. Yes, trousers. It wasn't too long ago that a girl would get beaten by her own mother for wearing trousers. And now we think it's completely normal. But boys still can't wear skirts. Marilyn Manson once said that Robert Smith (the Cure) made it okay for boys to wear lipstick. I wish that was really true. Fact is, if a regular boy, not someone famous or who works in entertainment, wears lipstick out on the street, and not on a stage, he will most likely get beaten up. The only time a boy can wear a skirt outside is when it is a kilt, which is Scottish battle clothing. But even then, it is worn as a statement, and people look and point.
Going from girl to boy, from Venus to Mars, I have noticed there are things I suddenly can't do anymore. Like wearing a skirt or make up if I want to. Those things are just not done. Suddenly the things I say that were labeled as strong and independent being said by a woman, were found rude and offensive when said as a man. I find myself needing to sensor myself, not because of what I say or even how I say it, because I would have said it the same way as a woman, but because I am male. Women are expected to stand up for themselves, to fight for their rights. Men are expected to already have rights and should not claim them because by claiming their rights they are automatically suppressing women. Really? It would seem so. I find it all very strange. It seems to me like men are even more stuck in their gender role then women are. Remember people asked me why I couldn't just be a masculine woman or a tomboy because that would be easier? It would be easier. A lot! Mostly because you don't lose the rights you have as a woman. I had no idea how limited men are in their personal expression until I started living as one. Being a masculine woman means getting more freedom and being able to make your own choices. Being a feminine man means losing your rights as a man and not gaining the rights of women. Women have been fighting to gain the rights of men and have succeeded on many levels, though the fight is still far from over. I wish them all the best, I really do. It made my life a lot easier while I was still trying to live as a woman. But men have hardly started the battle to gain the rights of women. Every now and then a man stands up and raises his fist, but it doesn't seem to stick.
Maybe men are afraid that when they try to gain women's rights they will lose their own rights and will be left with nothing. As a transman it's even more difficult because you feel you have to prove your manhood. You have to compensate for not having a penis. And if you do decide to wear a bit of make up every now and then suddenly you are not trans enough and not a 'real' transsexual. Again, something that seems very silly to me and a lot of people agree it is silly indeed. But I don't see a lot of people standing up for this. A lot of transsexuals are afraid that people will think they are actually transvestites when they hold on to some habits that are linked to their old gender. This does happen and does not help at all. Maybe we should all pay less attention to what we all 'should do' and pay more attention to ourselves, who we really are and how we want to express ourselves, no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Though maybe not while we are walking the dog late in the evening... I know there is a fair chance of getting beaten up over this, but I'd rather stand up for what I believe in and get a few bruises then continue to live in shame. Who's with me?
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror
As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.
"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.
Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."
In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."
For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs
As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.
Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.
Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.
So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.
I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.
This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.
Follow me on tumblr and Facebook.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Just to get a few things clear.
A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.
"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."
I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.
As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.
"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."
Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.
Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.
"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"
I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.
"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."
Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.
"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."
I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.
I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Do the Harlem Shake.
There are many meme's going round on the internet. We all know the grumpy cat, the ecards, the endless photo's, either alone or combined with other, initially totally unrelated photo's, with endless sarcastic comments. And of course the video's of the latest thing to do like planking, batmanning, owling and now the Harlem shake. I'm all for meme's. I think they are part of culture. Not just modern culture. Humans have always shared customs that represent some form of value, resistance, community, moral, and so forth. The idea is to show that you understand each other and are part of the same group. That you are friend rather then foe. That you share the same ideology. Modern meme's do the same thing. They comment on society and represent our social standards or lack there of. Same as gossip does. It actually tells us a lot about ourselves and how we see ourselves.
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
So what about this Harlem shake thing? What does that say? There are meme's that I greatly enjoy, and others that simply don't do anything for me. But the Harlem shake repels me. This is very interesting. Maybe even more interesting then the ones I like. Why does this meme cause such a strong reaction? What is it about it that bothers me so much? Is it because it is done so much? Or is it that people around me are doing it? They did a Harlem shake at one of the gyms I go to. They did one at the Les Mills training last weekend as well and tried to get me to join in. I said no. And I really mean NO! A friend of mine did join though. She told me: you need to do something crazy every now and then. I totally agree. You should. And that is where the problem lies. Everyone should do something crazy every now and then. Something that is normally not accepted but is something that you like to do anyway. Right now, because everyone is doing it, it is acceptable to act like an idiot for a few seconds and show the world. It's cool. But if you do that in normal life people will judge you. The Harlem shake is pretty extreme I think, grinding the furniture or any other object available, but there are many many things that people secretly like to do but don't because it is not accepted. Joining a video like that gives people the excuse to do something, almost anything, that gives them a chance to break away from the every day restraints. This is what bothers me. The daily restraints.
I tend to think a lot. I tend to look at things and ask why. I can't help it, it's just the way I am. And I look at the Harlem shake and ask why and come to this answer: people are too restrained and need to break free but don't see how they can other then through another boxed, socially acceptable window. The fact that playing it on the internet is a vital part makes it even more sour if you will, as the internet is often perceived as not real. If it's in a place where either no one can see or everyone can see, it doesn't count. Like the karaoke bars in Japan where people get raving drunk and completely let themselves go, venting the frustration of having to pretend to be well adjusted and docile all day long. Within certain limits we are allowed to act a little crazy every now and then. But what is crazy? And what isn't? Is singing a song along with the television really that crazy? Is rubbing against an object really that crazy? Or dancing manically like there is no tomorrow? Or running like a toddler when you're a grown up? Is expressing yourself, expressing the way you feel, really that crazy?
This is the thing that bothers me. The fact that we feel the need for something like a meme to be able to express ourselves. For me the Harlem shake emphasizes our restraints, our limitations and repression. It points out the fact that we need an excuse to do something crazy while we shouldn't need an excuse. We should be able and allowed by others around us, to express ourselves, to be ourselves. If you feel like dancing or singing or screaming, why shouldn't you, just because there are other people around you? Why should you be ashamed of being human? Why are there so many things that are not socially acceptable while they don't harm anyone? Because, really, what harm does it do when someone dances when they feel like it? Why do we feel such shame while we all feel the same way at times? After all we are all human. Nothing human is alien to us.
An interesting video on gossip and what it really means: http://youtu.be/oFDWOXV6iEM
https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)