It's not easy being trans.

When I first came to the conclusion I would be better off being a dude I didn't realize what it all meant. The statement in itself is simple: I identify as male. But it has huge consequences. It impacts your life on every level. One of the things it affects, that most people don't realize, is the past. Suddenly everything you have done in the past has a different light on it. A friend of mine once told me, ages ago, that her boyfriend thought I had anorexia because I wanted to be a boy. It freaked me out because I felt caught. Back then wanting to be a boy was my deepest darkest secret. But it also pissed me off because he was wrong. Wrong in the way that I didn't have anorexia because I wanted to be a boy, but because I was trying to be like a girl. And clearly I failed at it. I started dawning on me a few days ago how much of my past has been determined by the fact that I am a transgender. I hated my body and tried very hard to destroy it. But I didn't want to die. I never wanted to die. I just wanted to pain to stop and this horrible thing that seemed to decide my life for me that I was stuck with, would go away. Looking back I'm amazed how little damage is left from that period, call it a life time. My teeth are bad but some people have that without throwing up all the time. The nerve damage is pretty much gone these days. Healthy diet helped a lot with that. And I have a bunch of scars on my arms, legs and torso that most people don't even notice anymore. Not bad for over 20 years of self-destructive coping devices. But that's just my body.


The mind is a totally different thing. So is time. I can't turn back time and undo those bad things and replace them with events I wish had happened instead. I can't erase that pain, the feeling of loss. Looking back it seems like it was a different person all together who did those things, who lived that life. It wasn't me. It was some sort of alter ego that I created to survive in this world that would judge me for what I seemed to be but was not. When I look back I see this scared little girl, hurting and lonely, and there is nothing I can do to help her, because she isn't real. She never had a chance. And now she is gone and I am here. But I am left with her pain, her trauma, her memories of blood filled nights and the cold hard floor underneath her knees in front of the toilet bowl. I can not make that go away. I thought I had put it behind me, that I had moved on and in a way I have. I just hadn't looked at it from a trans perspective yet and that makes a lot of difference. It all makes a lot more sense now. It also feels more useless. If only... But no such thing. I missed out on most of my childhood because of this, my puberty and adolescence. My early adulthood is overshadowed by my transition process. And what will happen after that? Right now I'm afraid I'll never be a real man, even though I know I already am, boobs and all. But I will never have been a boy growing up, I will not have a past as a man. I will have to start from scratch from here on, as if I was a foreigner moving to a different country. The Land of Man. And I can try to fit in as much as I want but I will always be different. I will always be castrated, no matter what.


So right now I am trying to deal with this. I am mourning. Mourning for my past self who never had a chance at all, and for my future self, for I will never be truly whole.



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I survived Christmas!

I am seriously thinking about planning a holiday for next Christmas so I won't have to think about it too much. Christmas Eve I managed to ignore completely. I just made a normal dinner, watched a movie and went to bed early.

On Christmas day my sister came over with her family. Her boyfriend fits her perfectly. They both have the same trades that have always made me wonder if she would ever find someone she wouldn't drive insane. They are like 2 peas in a pod. I'm happy for her. I did notice we are drifting apart. We live in different worlds. If we weren't siblings we probably would have given up ages ago but we keep trying, stay in touch and let each other know what's going on in lives. I really am happy she is happy but our connection is weak. She didn't say a word about our mother and was clearly determined to keep it that way. We were trying to have a nice family dinner so such topics had to be avoided. She didn't have time to see me by herself while she's in the country (she lives in Australia) so I won't be able to talk to her about all of this at all any time soon. I would have liked to  know how she feels about my transition but I guess I can always send her an email.

I spent Boxing day with my 2 best friends which was really nice even though we were all tired. At least it was something. And the food was good.


After Christmas my father came over for a few days. He's actually still here but went to visit some friends. Usually, when he is in Holland, he stays at my mother's place (he lives in Germany) or at his brother's who lives further South. Because my sister is staying at my mother's place and he did want to be near by to see my sister and me he asked if he could stay at my place. I'm not a big fan of having him stay over because he has annoying habits that get on my nerves but I figured I'd take one for the team so both my brother (who lives up North and yes, we're all over the place) and sister would be able to see him. He went and had dinner with my mother yesterday. He told me they didn't speak of me. Not one word. It feels like I am dead to her. Somehow that's not a bad thing. This is the first year I didn't get a Christmas card from her. The last time we didn't speak she did send me cards, every year. It really annoyed me back then but now I didn't get one this year I'm aware of what it really meant. She was still holding on and open to trying to mend our bond. This time it's different. No more Christmas cards. This time she is letting go and moving on. This means I can too. It's a bit scary to write that down because it feels so definitive. But that's just the way it is. She doesn't seem to leave me much of a choice. She has made her choice and mine is a logical response to hers. It's the only thing I can do. So now I am another step closer to claiming my own life. Slowly but surely, one day I will be me.


In the mean time I have started writing my life story for A. Man at the gender team. It's a slow and painful process. I'm not sure how much 'but I wanted to be a boy' stuff he expects in there because most of my life I had buried it so deep I didn't even know it was an issue. I talked about this with my father, about my mother and how she had wanted to have a boy and how that confused me when I was little. She once told me, ages ago, that she would rather have been a boy as well. I wasn't ready to admit I did too so I never got back to it until last spring when I told her about my decision to transition. She denied ever having said that. But according to my father it is true. He told me that she did indeed have gender issues. What to make of that? I don't know. Her parents survived POW camps in Indonesia and they taught her two important lessons: always keep your head down, and don't get attached to people. That's how they survived. So that's what she did. She decided to not give in to it and to keep her head down. And now I'm not keeping my head down she is pushing me away. I can't blame her. From her point of view it makes perfect sense. I guess if this is what she needs to do, then so be it. It's time for me to move on. So here I go. 2013, here I come.



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I just got uninvited for Christmas.

My mother's husband came to pick up the paintings the had made at my course because she didn't want to come anymore and told me he didn't think it was a good idea if I would come over for Christmas anymore either. I have to admit I told her I needed a bit more space and didn't think it would be wise to have her in my course anymore because we have been tiptoeing around each other way too much lately in order to avoid direct conflict but as a result we both feel irritated and exhausted. I felt like it was an endless and pointless battle. So last week I went over there to talk to her. I told her I love her very much and do want a good relationship with her and have been trying really hard to make that happen for as long as I can remember but we simply don't connect. We're a mismatch. There is nothing we can do about it. I also told her that I do love her very much and I do want her in my life but just every now and then for a cup of tea or something. Not too intense, not too complicated. No expectations, just the little things. She said she'd like that and if there was anything I ever needed I just needed to ask. And now she send her husband, who I have never liked, even before they got together, to pick up her stuff and tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I am done. There is just no pleasing her. It makes me very very sad to be set aside like this. I had been thinking about this for months and months, almost half a year, to find a way to still see each other without making each other miserable. I tried so hard and I just get pushed to the side. Yes I know it's not easy for her having a child she doesn't understand and I know she has been trying as well, in her own way. I understand and respect that. But this feels like she is giving up on me. It's as if I no longer exist to her. I guess there is nothing left I can do. I just have to face the fact that I no longer have a mother and just make the best of things.
Anyone want to have me over for Christmas? I never liked Christmas because me family would always be fighting. But spending it all alone because my mother won't have me over? That's different. Looks like this is going to be a harsh winter.
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