He called me sir.

Yesterday I went to the market. I usually go there every Saturday to buy fish, olives and vegetables. When I was buying fish the guy working there looked at me and said: can I help you, sir? Now this isn't something completely new. People have been 'mistaking' me for a man for years. But now it's much more important to me. I have been on hormones for 2 weeks now and I felt not much had changed. I figured it's mostly my own attitude, the way I carry my body that convinces people of my true gender identity. So when that salesman called me sir, after a brief moment of joy, I realized I had to open my mouth and speak and he would 'correct' himself. But I had no choice but to speak and so I did and placed my order. Then the most amazing thing happened though. When he gave me back my change he said: there you go, sir, have a nice day. What the hell just happened? 

That evening I went to watch Game of Thrones with some friends and one of them told me she did hear a difference in my voice. The color is changing. I feel more vibration in my chest. Before I had to put much more effort into it and now it's becoming more natural. Things really are changing. 

Mostly it's little things, like the subtle hum in my voice. Some male colleagues at one of the gyms where I teach told me my arms were clearly getting bigger. I don't see it and I'm pretty sure they're just wanting to see it but it's nice of them to say anyway. I'm having pains in my ovaries as they are battling the testosterone taking over down there and they are losing. I have more strength. It's pretty clear during the BodyPump. This morning I felt like I was cheating with my weights during some of the tracks even though I wasn't. But no beard yet. No changed in hair growth at all. Not yet anyway. But I am hungry. That's the most noticeable thing right now. I feel like I am starving all the time. It's actually really annoying. I'm the kind of person that eats really healthy and for me that means no grains. I eat pretty low carb in general. This makes it a lot more difficult to just grab a little extra. I can't just add another slice of bread or something like that. Hopefully sticking to healthy foods with lots of protein and healthy fats will help building more muscle and increase the burning of fat because my body knows there is a continuous supply of the stuff and there is no need to store it. I will get measured again early July and see what has happened so far. I'm expecting not much but I'm just too curious not to sneak a peek. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is a shift in what feels comfortable. Before I started hormones I would still wear a regular sports bra that mostly preserves the shape, quite a lot of the time. Then a friend of mine suggested the sports tops they sell at H&M. They flatten your chest rather well. If I wear a wide shirt you can hardly see any bosom at all. And with my muscular arms people tend to think my chest if just muscle as well. I have two of those. Yesterday they were both in the laundry and the weather is really sweaty so I didn't want to have to wear my real binder which is much tighter and doesn't breath as well. So I put on a normal sports bra. And I went nuts. I just couldn't do it anymore. It felt so wrong. I hadn't had that like this before. Not as intense. So in the end, when I had to leave the house, I just put on a H&M top that was not completely dry yet. I didn't care. I'd rather walk around in wet clothes that do suit me then something that isn't who I am that is dry and clean. I had not expected this to happen so soon. It's quite fascinating to see all these things happen and not even really having a choice in them. You know what's going to happen, you just don't know when and in what shape. I ordered some more tops online and hopefully they will arrive tomorrow or the day after. I guess I can throw out all those old bras now. I'm not going to wear them anymore anyway. It will feel good to get rid of them. I'm moving on.

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I had my first meeting with the genderteam in Amsterdam.

Today I had my first screening meeting with the genderteam in Amsterdam. The woman who is assigned to me is really nice and I don't mind working with her at all. She was okay with me having gone to the Psycho Informa Group and having started hormone treatment. She told me she wants to get me through the screening as fast as possible. I have three more meetings set, including one for testing but those are mostly for their own research. They will be copying most of the tests from the PIG as they are resent enough to still be valid. This will save everyone a lot of time. 

I feel relieved. I had expected to have to prove to them that I really am a transsexual. I don't. She is actually very understanding and helpful. I like her a lot. Somehow her immediate acceptance of me being trans makes things even more real for me. It's another confirmation that I'm not just making this up. It also makes me feel like this is something that is within reach. One day I will wake up and all this, this whole transition process, will be over and I can put this behind me and get on with my life. I feel like I came another step closer to that today. 

They still schedule the meetings a month apart but that can not be fixed alas. I'm glad I can do those tests before the next meeting. I'm curious what kind of tests they want to do for their research. I heard they are doing something with fMRI scans in Stockholm I think. Would be cool if they would do those here as well. I would love to see my brain in action. They know where to find me if they ever start doing those here as well. 

I really do feel better. Slowly, every day, I can breath a little better. The weight is getting less heavy. And knowing it's just a countdown from now on really helps. The end is near. I'm so looking forward to this.

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I started hormone treatment!

Last Thursday I had my second meeting with the hormone doctor. He told me my blood work was fine. My good cholesterol was actually really high which is great. Testosterone can inhibit liver functions which can cause lower good cholesterol so I have more then a buffer. My testosterone is 1.6 which is really low, even for a girl. To get to male values I have to get it up to between 11 and 30. At least, that's what I heard from my trans friends. There seems to be a different way to measure testosterone and then you get to values of 300 or something. I have been googling but I can't find any clear numbers. Next time I see him I'll ask. 

My low testosterone levels do make me wonder. I don't look like it. I mean, I'm pretty strong and all. I hope this means I am very receptive to testosterone and will be getting results really quick. Time will tell. 

I only got started yesterday so I'm not noticing anything yet. I am slightly nauseous which can be a side effect but it could also be stress. I mean, this is a big deal, no matter how cool I may act. I also didn't sleep very well. I was really restless. Could be the T, could also be anticipation. This morning, while I was teaching BodyBump, my barbell felt really light though but I did have trouble focusing. Again, no way to tell what that means. Right now, I'm tempted to read into everything. I really need to restrain myself. I should start noticing something within a few weeks though. Something. There are guidelines for what to expect but they are not rules. It's different for everyone. Usually the voice starts acting funky pretty quickly which is going to be a lot of fun while teaching. I can just see myself squeaking while I'm trying to help people push through those last single presses in the shoulder track. Fun fun fun. But it will pass. Things will get better and I can finally be myself. 

Writing that last sentence makes me realize how much I am still putting my life on hold. There are still so many things I don't do because I feel I can't because my body is holding me back. But that's not true. During BodyPump I sometimes remind people of that. Can or can't are thing that live inside your head. If you tell yourself you can't do those last few reps then you will fail. If you tell yourself: I can do this and I will, then you can and you will. This is true for a lot of things in life. Many more then we think. But it's so much easier to think we can't because then we don't have to fail. We don't even try. It's safer. But I am done being safe. I tried to play it safe most of my life and all it got me was misery. No more. It's time to start saying: yes I can! So here I go. I can do this.

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Looking back, a quick summery.

I just wrote a really short article for the quarterly magazine for the LGBT organization I work for. I didn't have much space so I just made a really short summery of the whole "oh my, I might be trans" thing. I started at the beginning and skipped most of what is now the middle to get to where I am now. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the road ahead. Starting hormone treatment means my body will finally start to change. It feels like a beginning. But I just realized it isn't. It's the end of the beginning. The beginning has been the journey up to this point. And it has been a long one. I keep forgetting that. So I'm taking a moment to look back.

About two years ago I first started to allow myself to even consider this male/female thing. Before then it was my deepest, darkest secret and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I hid it so far from the rest of the world I even hid it from myself most of the time. I tried really hard to be a good girl, or more, to be good at being a girl. But I always felt like a failure, like I was doing something wrong. In a way I was right, I was doing something wrong. I was barking up the wrong tree. I knew I was but I didn't see any other options. I was miserable and convinced I would always stay that way because I could never be what I really wanted to be. I couldn't live like that. 

So I took a chance. I started looking around on the internet, gathering information about transgenderism and applying it to my own case. I started looking at my life in a different light and suddenly things made a lot more sense. I talked to some friends and they all responded very relaxed, agreeing that living as a man would indeed suit me much better. I made more sense as a man to them as well. I put myself on the waiting list to get treatment and took a deep breath. A weight fell off me. 

I had made my choice, and then it was time to tell people. So I did. My mother almost cried, she was so afraid I would be an outcast and would ruin my chance at being happy. I don't blame her. It's not easy being trans. But my friends all responded really well. Most of them were mostly curious as to how it all works. People told me they were proud of me for choosing to be myself, which sounds silly but they're right as too many people are afraid to be true to themselves, gender aside. People told me they thought it was cool. And they asked all kinds of questions, some of which I didn't have an answer to because I hadn't thought about it yet and those questions helped me understanding things better myself. Over all, it was a good experience. I got lucky. 

And then there was the screening. The big test to see if you're not just nuts and if you're the real deal. But also to see if you are able to deal with the changes because they're pretty big indeed. So I filled out the endless questioners, wrote my life story, brought along a friend and talked and talked and talked. All according to protocol. I don't think I agree with the protocol completely but I understand they want to make sure you can get through this life changing event okay. Finally they sent me to see a different psychiatrist and he agreed I was indeed 'born in the wrong body' and I could start hormone treatment. Relief washed over me. 

Of course, every time you get some good news you get put on hold again. It's been nearly 3 months since I was given the okay and I still don't have my hormones. Next week, if all goes well, so almost now. This constantly being put on hold takes its toll. It's much harder then people realize. But I'm almost there. Once I start hormones at least the changes will start and I will really feel like I am on my way. It's like taking the train to the airport. You don't feel like you're really on your way until your on the plane but you've left home long ago. I'm on my way alright, and I have left many miles behind me already. 

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I had my first meeting with the hormone doc.

After two whole months I finally had my first appointment with the hormone doctor. People had told me it wouldn't be a big deal. Just a few questions, a blood pressure check and such and then I would get my prescription. But most people go to the hospital in Amsterdam. The one where I will have my first screening day three weeks from now. This hospital in The Hague isn't specialized in things like this so they take it easy. There were the usual questions: are you sure? Any such and such illnesses in your family? Take a deep breath please. And the blood tests. But no prescription. He wants to wait for the results of the blood tests first. That's just the way they do it over there. So now I have to wait another two weeks and hopefully I'll get my prescription then. 

There is another thing. That doctor is not a fan of injections. You get spikes in your hormone levels and eh doesn't like that. He does not prescribe injections. He only prescribes gel that you have to smear on your body. I don't want gel. It contains alcohol and my skin does not appreciate that at all. My skin dries out and cracks real easy and then gets infected. So I'm a bit skeptical about rubbing alcohol all over myself. He said he would look into an alternative but injections are not an option when I am with this doctor. 

I am highly disappointed. I had really counted on being able to start treatment today. I had also really hoped to get injections. Right now I feel really tired. I never expected this to be easy but it's hard enough as it is. The people who are supposed to help me don't always seem very helpful. I know two weeks isn't a long time but it feels like for ever to me. I have been biting my nails waiting for my referral letter for weeks and weeks, only to find out it 'got lost in the mail' and they had to send it again. The local hospital was supposed to have a one week waiting list but I called them a few days ago and they said my referral letter was up for review this week, probably, and after that I would get an invitation, if they decided to treat me. They don't have a lot of experience with adult transgenders. They just send them to Amsterdam usually. And now The Hague has put me on hold yet again. Right now I'm worried he will find something in my blood work that indicates I'm not standard enough and they will turn me away. I know that's paranoia but at this moment it just feels like it is never going to happen. I am so tired of all of this. I want this whole transition thing to be over. I want to get on with my life. Is that really too much to ask?

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Me, scared? Why would I be?

If all goes well I can start hormone treatment next week. I have an appointment at the hospital in The Hague on Friday and am waiting for an invitation from the hospital in my own town. The waiting list there is one week and I sent them my referral note last week so I am hoping I can get an appointment there really soon. That way I can walk there in 10 minutes instead of taking trains and buses for over an hour. I think I'll call after the weekend and ask what's going on. I want to know what's happening. 

I've been looking forward to being on hormones for quite some time. But to be honest I am really dreading starting hormones. The psychiatrist who gave me the green light warned me again that some people can get really depressed starting on testosterone, and most people tend to feel a bit blue when their testosterone levels are getting low just before their next shot. I have a history of depression so I am at risk more then most. I know that. I am very much aware of that. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm not the happiest person on most days though I manage to keep myself busy and productive. My menstrual cycle really affects my mood so I know I'm extra sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. Most people starting on testosterone tend to feel more stable though. I've even heard people say the feel happier on testosterone. I'm hoping that will happen to me too. But as they say one should: I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This mean I am preparing to hit a mayor depression again. It probably won't be so bad but it's better to be prepared and not needing your ammo then needing it and having none. 

The other thing that I am dreading about this phase is being the bearded lady. Not that there is anything wrong with being a bearded lady if you chose to be. But that's not what I want to be. I want to be a man. I want to look like one and be treated as one. But this phase is going to be tricky. I will still have boobs and I just know I won't be wearing a binder every day. I hate binders. But I will have to pay extra attention to what I wear, depending on when and where. I already confuse people sometimes and that's just going to get worse at first. I know getting my fat percentage down to make my boobs smaller doesn't work for me. My boobs are pretty much that last thing to go. So I'm stuck with them for now.

I really wish I could get the surgery first and then start the hormones. I know other people who would prefer to do it like that as well. The idiotic idea is that you can still quit hormone treatment and go back to the way things were in case you change your mind. The Real Life Experience phase is supposed to be an exploratory phase where you can try your new gender on for size and see if you like it or not and if you don't you can just return it and get a refund. But that's not true. There are plenty of effects that hormone treatment has that are irreversible, like the lowering of your voice and hair everywhere. You can't just go back. Plus, most people who change their minds usually have done so before starting hormones. They have a screening phase just for that, to spot those people who have other issues and think that changing gender might help them get away from those problems. Altering your body in pursuit of  happiness is a big step. I know, more and more people have plastic surgery because they feel like they should in order to become happy. You got to ask yourself, what's going on with those people. No matter what the context, permanently changing your body, is big. 

I am very much aware of this.  I will be changing my body, permanently. After this there is no going back. I've always felt that the outside should reflect the inside. This is also why I have always disliked my body. I don't feel complete. I really hope that by doing this I will feel more like me. I'm hoping, one day, I will recognize myself in the mirror. Hormone treatment should make that happen. So yeah, I'm scared. Right now, I have hope. And hope is such a sneaky devil. Once I start treatment I will be looking in the mirror, looking for myself, hoping I will see a glimpse of me. I have no idea how long this will take. I have no idea if it will ever happen. There is only one way to find out. If you're scared, it means it's important enough to you to scare you. Bravery is being scared and doing it anyway. So here I go, being brave, because it is important to me. I still wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just wake up a year from now in my new and improved body and not go through all the growing pains and confusion of living in an obviously mixed gender body. It's the only option I have though. Wish me luck. 

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The evolution of friendship.

I was at the dentist this morning and she asked how I was doing. So I told her I had been stressed lately and broke a molar because of that. She was curious what I was stressed about. There are big things happening in my life. One of those things is registering the gallery at the chamber of commerce. It's such a grown up thing to do. We came to the conclusion that we are both turning 35 this summer. It's a strange thought. I really am a grown up, an adult, making grown up, responsible decisions about grown up topics. How does that happen? It just does. You grow up and become an adult. It happens to most of us.

But we all have our own pace, and some of us get stuck on different levels, or move much faster then others around them. Suddenly, when you are talking to some of your friends about the thing that are important to you at that point, you notice the y don't respond as enthusiastic as you expected. This seems strange at first because you used to be able to share so much with that person and you felt like you both could really relate to each other. And now, the enthusiasm simply isn't there. You take a look at your life,  your friends life, and the life you used to have together, and come to the conclusion you have grown apart. It happens. There is nothing you can do about it. It happens to most of the people you because friends with then you were younger. 

There is a very simple reason for this. Take a look at your life, your world. You have orchestrated it in a way that fits your personality, who you are. That means you now, starting around your thirties, you will be living in a city you like, and, if all is well, in the right part of that city. You will be working in the field you like, maybe even have the dream job you really want. You will have developed habits that suit you and found hobbies you enjoy. And with that comes a circle of friends who you have met at those places. But you have chosen those places. And that's the trick.

I have friends who have kids and I see it happening. The other day I was at a venue and some friends where there with their son, he's almost 10 I think. There was someone else with a kid around the same age. So people expected them to play together. Simply because they were the same age and in the same place. That was the only thing they had in common, age and a location determined by their parents. Same goes for school. Your parents chose your school when you are little, because they think it is a good school and easy to reach. You get stuck with 30 kids without knowing if you have anything in common with them. You do though and that is mostly the fact that you don't know who you are and what you want yet. You still have to develop most of your personality, discover yourself. And this takes time, trial and error. So you do this together. You experiment, try new things and see if you like them or not. If you're lucky you will have a few kids in your class that have the same interest as you do and you can explore the same fields together. But as you grow older you become more specific in your likes and dislikes. You may still have common likes or dislikes, but you might find you have different motivation for them. Or you can find out that some of the things you liked, you don't like at all. You just thought you did because people expected you to for what ever reason. 

At some point in your teens you think you have it all figured out, not realizing that half of what you are thinking is a reaction to your parents. You also have no idea yet how the world really works. I mean, driving an ice cream truck may sound great, but can be rather dull in real life. And having to go out there, facing those noisy kids when you are having a bad day, and it's raining on top of that.... Nobody wants that. But when your young it sounds like a dream. Reality hits and things turn out to be different. Some people will stick to what they thought they wanted because reality is close enough to their dreams, or maybe even better. Some people take a different path. And your roads split and you say goodbye. Or maybe you don't and you find yourself talking to that person and wondering why they are giving you such a funny look like they have no idea what you are talking about. It's because they don't. It's because you are both not 16 anymore and you have grown up. And you have changed. 

We tend to hold on to friendships simply because they have lasted a long time already. Not because of the quality. I'm not saying it's always the case, but it might be more often then we think. The question is, do we really want to hold on to those people or is it time to move on? Would it not be better to save yourself and the other the time trying to understand each other because you feel like you have to simply because you have know each other since you were kids. 

It can also happen the other way around. You can have grown apart, let each other go, and run into each other for what ever reason again, only to come to the conclusion that you are more compatible now then you are the last time you saw each other. it's strange when those thing happen but they do. But be careful, just because you used to know each other really well, doesn't mean you know each other now. Take the time to get to know the new person that your old friend grew into. And try not to hold a grudge. 

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