Recovering from surgery: week 3.

After two weeks I was allowed to remove the tape from the cuts on my chest. For me this was one of those moments when hope turns into reality. Before removing the tape I wasn't sure what it looked like and it could be anything. I knew it wouldn't be perfect. I knew it would still be healing and it would still get better in time. I knew it would be better then how it was before because that fitted me even less then this would. You know there will be scars and when you remove the tape they're still wounds even. You know all this. But when you remove the tape it becomes real. At least, it did for me. Before the surgery I felt deformed. I knew after the surgery I would be mutilated. I know that sounds dramatic, but in a way it's true. Your body has been altered permanently because someone has cut you up and the scars are there for life. It is a constant reminder that I am not 'a real boy'. I had quite some trouble accepting what I saw. I'm slowly getting used to it and now it's healed even more it is starting to look a bit better. It doesn't look like wounds as much as it does as scars and that feels better because that means it's in the past and I can move on. I'm sure there will be days when I hate the way it looks but I am glad I did it. It was the lesser evil and I do feel better. I have no regrets. It just takes some time to get used to this new body.

The binder still had to stay on though. Officially it has to stay on for 4 weeks and after that I can take it off at night and slowly get used to not wearing it. For me it feels ridiculous. I can move quite freely and feel confident when doing normal things around the house. The first few times I took it off to take a shower it did feel awkward and unsafe to talk around without it for more then half an hour. But now I actually take it off for an hour or longer every day so my skin can recover a bit. The binder is tight and wearing it 24/7 chafes my skin. It's getting really irritated and it feels like a graze wound is developing under my arms and around my chest. The heat really doesn't help either. I can't wait to be able to take it off as right now having to wear the binder seems to be costing a lot more energy then I get benefits from it.

My gynaecologist, doctor Milo, wanted to see me for a check up that week. They had made an appointment for me without asking me and the letter they had send to confirm had ended up at a different address so I didn't know until they called on Monday to ask if I could come earlier the next day. Luckily I could. I actually got the letter and some get well soon cards from some friends that afternoon. The person who had received my mail had just returned from holiday and dropped them into my mailbox.
Honestly it felt a bit like a waste of my time. I was on my way for two and a half hours and was only in his office for about 5 minutes. He took a quick look at the scabs, told me to keep them clean and that I shouldn't ride a bike for another 3 weeks or so and that was it. He told me there was no need for me to come back again but if I needed anything I could always call. At least that part is done now. I don't have to think about the hysterectomy any more other then letting the scabs heal. The lowest one is giving me a bit of trouble though as my underwear, jeans, etc cover it and it gets irritated. I hope it starts healing properly soon because it's really annoying. I don't mind walking around in my birthday suit at home at these temperatures but I do need to put something on when I go outside. I guess it just takes time.

Wednesday I went to city hall. I had thought that changing my birth certificate would just be a technicality but it turned out it did feel like an important step. I wanted to get it done so it would all be official and I could really move on. The lady helping me was really nice. They had made a check list of all the information they needed and everything because they wanted to be well prepared. This was all new to them as the new law had only been passed a few weeks before. I was the fourth transsexual to come and change his passport under the new law in my city. One of my oldest friends happened to be nearby so he came along and we had coffee and a chat while the nice lady went to dig up my certificate and scribble on it. It feels really good to have that done. It's a load off. Things are finally getting real. And soon I can really get on with my life. Just a few more weeks of recovery and I'm good to go.

He called me sir.

Yesterday I went to the market. I usually go there every Saturday to buy fish, olives and vegetables. When I was buying fish the guy working there looked at me and said: can I help you, sir? Now this isn't something completely new. People have been 'mistaking' me for a man for years. But now it's much more important to me. I have been on hormones for 2 weeks now and I felt not much had changed. I figured it's mostly my own attitude, the way I carry my body that convinces people of my true gender identity. So when that salesman called me sir, after a brief moment of joy, I realized I had to open my mouth and speak and he would 'correct' himself. But I had no choice but to speak and so I did and placed my order. Then the most amazing thing happened though. When he gave me back my change he said: there you go, sir, have a nice day. What the hell just happened? 

That evening I went to watch Game of Thrones with some friends and one of them told me she did hear a difference in my voice. The color is changing. I feel more vibration in my chest. Before I had to put much more effort into it and now it's becoming more natural. Things really are changing. 

Mostly it's little things, like the subtle hum in my voice. Some male colleagues at one of the gyms where I teach told me my arms were clearly getting bigger. I don't see it and I'm pretty sure they're just wanting to see it but it's nice of them to say anyway. I'm having pains in my ovaries as they are battling the testosterone taking over down there and they are losing. I have more strength. It's pretty clear during the BodyPump. This morning I felt like I was cheating with my weights during some of the tracks even though I wasn't. But no beard yet. No changed in hair growth at all. Not yet anyway. But I am hungry. That's the most noticeable thing right now. I feel like I am starving all the time. It's actually really annoying. I'm the kind of person that eats really healthy and for me that means no grains. I eat pretty low carb in general. This makes it a lot more difficult to just grab a little extra. I can't just add another slice of bread or something like that. Hopefully sticking to healthy foods with lots of protein and healthy fats will help building more muscle and increase the burning of fat because my body knows there is a continuous supply of the stuff and there is no need to store it. I will get measured again early July and see what has happened so far. I'm expecting not much but I'm just too curious not to sneak a peek. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is a shift in what feels comfortable. Before I started hormones I would still wear a regular sports bra that mostly preserves the shape, quite a lot of the time. Then a friend of mine suggested the sports tops they sell at H&M. They flatten your chest rather well. If I wear a wide shirt you can hardly see any bosom at all. And with my muscular arms people tend to think my chest if just muscle as well. I have two of those. Yesterday they were both in the laundry and the weather is really sweaty so I didn't want to have to wear my real binder which is much tighter and doesn't breath as well. So I put on a normal sports bra. And I went nuts. I just couldn't do it anymore. It felt so wrong. I hadn't had that like this before. Not as intense. So in the end, when I had to leave the house, I just put on a H&M top that was not completely dry yet. I didn't care. I'd rather walk around in wet clothes that do suit me then something that isn't who I am that is dry and clean. I had not expected this to happen so soon. It's quite fascinating to see all these things happen and not even really having a choice in them. You know what's going to happen, you just don't know when and in what shape. I ordered some more tops online and hopefully they will arrive tomorrow or the day after. I guess I can throw out all those old bras now. I'm not going to wear them anymore anyway. It will feel good to get rid of them. I'm moving on.

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Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.

Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?


I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.


There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.


A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.


But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?


One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.


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A bit about boobs.

Someone asked me about binders the other day. How do they work, why would I wear them or not, etc. Binders are a tricky thing but lets start with the why.

Why does an FtM wear a binder? Well, obviously to hide his boobs. Why? Because they are feminine. So? He does not want to be feminized. And yes, that really does matter. I might be stating the obvious here but as soon as people spot boobs they will treat you as a woman with the according expectation patterns and all. It is easier to pass as a man when you were born female but there are always traces and when people are not sure, they check your chest. And if there is a hint of bosom there they will assume you're a dyke. You might say that's not true but lets be honest. Even I do it. Horrible, I know, but it's just the way we are wired. This is the main reason why I dislike my boobs. People see them, even when they don't stare at them, and treat me different from how I want to be treated. This is highly frustrating and a good reason to hide them. Don't get me wrong, I love boobs. Just like high heels. They are great assets on a woman. I'm just not a woman.

Now, how does a binder work? Really simple. It's just a really tight top. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors even. They just squish your boobs. Like an extra heavy sports bra. That's all.

So what's the problem? Why don't I just wear one all the time?
For one, here in the Netherlands they don't come cheap and I simply can't afford to have a whole bunch. And no, health insurance can not be bothered with stuff like that.

Second, they are not that comfortable. They are really tight, which is the whole point of course, but that makes you less mobile. They tend to cut under your arms so I never wear then too many days in a row so the skin doesn't get too irritated. They're really warm and in summer most days I just can't be bothered cause I'll be sweating like crazy in them. Not sexy.

And third, they put a lot of pressure on your breast tissue. Well of course. So? As far as I can tell there haven't been any proper studies on FtM's and breast cancer but there have been studies on what happens to tissue under pressure. They indicate that cancer tissue under pressure spreads more quickly. I've been trying to find the link but so far I haven't been able to find it again. From what I have hear from other transmen who have had chest surgery it is not uncommon for some of the breast tissue to have become cancerous. This could be partially triggered by wearing binders but also by hormone treatment. Of course, there are no statistics on this but it seems transmen are at a higher risk for breast cancer then regular women if they haven't had chest surgery. This would suggest it would be wise to do the chest surgery as soon as possible. How ever, in the Netherlands there is a real life phase people have to go through before they can have surgery. This means living like their 'chosen' gender instead of their biological gender for a period of time. For women this is 12 months, for men 18 months. That's what the website says. I'm not sure if they mean biological men and women or trans men and women. But it would mean that I would have to be on hormones and living as a man, including binder, for at least 12 months before I can have surgery, increasing the risk of breast cancer. Lovely. I'm not happy about that but that is the way it is right now.