Who's that guy?

Who's that guy? That's what a friend at the gym wondered looking through the window to check who was teaching the BodyPump. She hadn't seen me in about 2 weeks and had trouble recognizing me from that distance. Of course, this made me smile. The changes in your body are very gradual and because I carry around my own body all the time it's hard for me to notice the changes. But other people do. I have been getting compliments at the gyms about my growth. I've even heard people say my face is changing already. And my voice even more then before.

People had told me not to expect anything to happen the first month. I've been on testosterone for less then 6 weeks now and even I am seeing the changes. Today I put on an old girl shirt size S for Kung Fu training. My shoulders barely fit and the shirt was clearly way too small. The shirts I had bought a while ago that I was actually swimming in back then now fit just fine. I'm growing, big time. And with the physical growth comes the mental growth. I feel more secure, more myself. My head is calmer, more clear. I am more focused and less stressed. Things bother me less. I am more confident about myself and my future. I have more energy. I wake up in the morning and feel rested. I know I actually should be getting more sleep and still have too much on my plate, but I'm not worried. I know I can handle it and things will clear up in not too long. Life is great.

Can you feel a but coming? There usually is one. The Dutch public transport system works with personal chip cards. They have your name, gender and photo on it. Last Monday I was asked for my card on the train. And then I was asked for my ID. The photo on my driver's licence is just as girly as the one on my PT chip card. So I ended up explaining I was trans on the train. It was pretty quiet and no one was paying us any attention so I wasn't bothered about it at that point. I thought it was somewhat funny and even a bit happy that I don't look like that old me anymore. But I am also aware that it could have gotten ugly. Being outed like that in public is nothing to take lightly. I am going to call and see if I can change my chip card. I won't be able to change my driver's licence until I can change my passport and that's going to take a while. 

So there are good things happening and, well, less good things. Things are changing and not everything changes as gradually and effortless as the flimsy hairs that are sprouting on my chin (they are very very flimsy but I swear, they weren't there before!!). It's a strange phase to be in. There are little victories all the time. Every time someone ticks the M box, sometimes literally like the guy at the store where I bought my laptop, mostly just mentally, it makes me feel more secure. But every time someone ticks F, mostly either because I haven't had chest surgery yet and it's too hot for a proper binder right now, or because they have known me as female for some time, it hurts. And every time that happens it hurts even more because I am moving on. I am leaving that part of me behind. It's my past self. It's not who I am today and not how I see myself in the future. There is still so much paper work that needs to be done and a lot of it can not be done yet. It will take time. But at least things are changing, something is happening. I am enjoying the ride best I can and await every little change with anticipation. The best is yet to come.

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Closing doors.

It has been 4 weeks since I started on testosterone. Changes are slow and gradual. I got measured at the gym and according to those scales I have gained 1.4 Kg of muscle and lost 0.6 Kg of fat. That's an insane amount. At least, the muscle is. I was really surprised by that. I had noticed training was getting easier and I have added more weight for most of my training but this is a lot more then I had expected. This is an extra reason to keep an eye on what I am eating and I'm glad I started the Renegade program a bit over a week ago. This means intermittent fasting, loads of veggies and lots of protein in what ever form I see fit. So I have decided eating bacon is allowed. Since I am doing a mayor physical renovation anyway I figured I might as well build myself up from the ground. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. I have decided I shall look awesome. 

But this renovation doesn't just apply to my body. It goes for the upper chamber as well. The mind. I am taking a new look at how my life is constructed at the moment. Which things do I want to keep, which need to be replaced and what can go. Which things give me energy? What drains me? And why? This is also a slow process and is something that happens gradually. It's impossible to just sit down and make an inventory of everything you do and how you feel about it. So sometimes things happen when you don't expect them. You may tend to wander into a room to find the space uncomfortable to a degree you just want to get out as soon as possible. Or you may even find the door closed. 

Last Saturday we had drag night at the trans café here in Leiden. So of course, being a boy now, I had to go dressed as a girl, right? Right. I had been dreading that evening for weeks. Pretty much as soon as the idea was agreed upon. I postponed deciding what to wear until the last moment. I had already told people I wasn't planning on shaving my legs so a skirt was not an option. Somehow, that door had closed on me. I wore something simple, though all clearly girl's clothing, and a little make up. I used to be able to walk on heels just fine, with hip sway and all. This time I just couldn't get into it and the high heels made me walk awkwardly. I felt uncomfortable all evening. It felt as if I was stuck behind a glass wall and couldn't connect to anything. It puzzled me at first, because this was how I had dressed for years. Once home I shook off those clothes as quickly as possible. I stripped off that mask I used to wear and was no longer used to. That's when I realized how miserable I had been all those years, being stuck behind that mask, unable to get out, unable to be myself. Every now and then I still wonder, wouldn't it be easier to just fit in? But once again it has been confirmed, that door has closed. I can't go back. Not even for an evening. Maybe one day I will be able to wear something like that again. But only if it doesn't compromise my masculinity. Now it still does and it's too uncomfortable still. You live you learn.

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I want to break free.

Next Saturday the Trans*café is drag themed so I went looking for one of my favourite old skirts. Turns out I have thrown it out already. I still have a bunch of other stuff from when I was trying to be a girl. Going through them was strange. I felt that old me, the girl alter ego that I had developed over the years, rear her head again. And for a moment I caught myself thinking: wouldn't it be easier to go back? 

Last weekend at the market I got called sir a bunch of times. I seem to be more and more convincing to people who don't know me. When I walk down the street I feel more confident. I'm starting to figure out how I want to present myself, how I want to dress and what kind of vibe I want to send out to people. There is so much more then just the macho and the dandy after all. But I'm still stuck with this unfinished body. I'm still doing mayor reconstruction work here. I'm not finished and in a way I know that I never really will be. Will it be enough though? That is the question. Will it be enough to be worth it. 

In some ways it would be easier to go back and pretend I never did this. I wouldn't have to go through heavy surgery. I wouldn't have to take hormones the rest of my life. I wouldn't have to explain anything any more. And I did have fun playing a girl sometimes. When I look at some of the shoes and skirts I still have it's hard to deny. Plus, life was much simpler. Expectations were lower. The rest of the world mainly had different expectations but personally I had lower expectations. I could never do the things I really wanted to do, be the person I really wanted to be, because I was a girl. Or at least, looked like one and was treated like one. 

Right now I'm tired. I have been tired for quite a while now. I will be an official member of the board at the LGBT organization next week. The gallery still needs a lot of work, mostly paper work, which is my favorite. I have more BodyPump hours. I have to prepare for my exhibition end of August. Oh, and I'm in transition. I keep forgetting that's something I also 'do'. Plus, I have a social life which I'm not willing to sacrifice. So, lost of work, with lots of responsibility and lots of expectations and lots of people all staring at me. On days like this I miss being a girl and being able to hide behind that, using that as an excuse to do nothing with my life. I could really use a holiday. 

But, could I go back? Do I really want to? Hell no. I don't want to be my own victim. All the things I do are things I believe in. I can't go back. These days, when I look in the mirror, I'm not just checking the bits I have to check (do I have toothpaste on my face?) but I'm looking for myself. I'm trying to find a glimpse of the real me. And yes, there it is. It's not really in my face itself yet. But it is in my eyes. I can see myself staring back at me, trying to break free. 

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He called me sir.

Yesterday I went to the market. I usually go there every Saturday to buy fish, olives and vegetables. When I was buying fish the guy working there looked at me and said: can I help you, sir? Now this isn't something completely new. People have been 'mistaking' me for a man for years. But now it's much more important to me. I have been on hormones for 2 weeks now and I felt not much had changed. I figured it's mostly my own attitude, the way I carry my body that convinces people of my true gender identity. So when that salesman called me sir, after a brief moment of joy, I realized I had to open my mouth and speak and he would 'correct' himself. But I had no choice but to speak and so I did and placed my order. Then the most amazing thing happened though. When he gave me back my change he said: there you go, sir, have a nice day. What the hell just happened? 

That evening I went to watch Game of Thrones with some friends and one of them told me she did hear a difference in my voice. The color is changing. I feel more vibration in my chest. Before I had to put much more effort into it and now it's becoming more natural. Things really are changing. 

Mostly it's little things, like the subtle hum in my voice. Some male colleagues at one of the gyms where I teach told me my arms were clearly getting bigger. I don't see it and I'm pretty sure they're just wanting to see it but it's nice of them to say anyway. I'm having pains in my ovaries as they are battling the testosterone taking over down there and they are losing. I have more strength. It's pretty clear during the BodyPump. This morning I felt like I was cheating with my weights during some of the tracks even though I wasn't. But no beard yet. No changed in hair growth at all. Not yet anyway. But I am hungry. That's the most noticeable thing right now. I feel like I am starving all the time. It's actually really annoying. I'm the kind of person that eats really healthy and for me that means no grains. I eat pretty low carb in general. This makes it a lot more difficult to just grab a little extra. I can't just add another slice of bread or something like that. Hopefully sticking to healthy foods with lots of protein and healthy fats will help building more muscle and increase the burning of fat because my body knows there is a continuous supply of the stuff and there is no need to store it. I will get measured again early July and see what has happened so far. I'm expecting not much but I'm just too curious not to sneak a peek. 

Another interesting thing that has happened is a shift in what feels comfortable. Before I started hormones I would still wear a regular sports bra that mostly preserves the shape, quite a lot of the time. Then a friend of mine suggested the sports tops they sell at H&M. They flatten your chest rather well. If I wear a wide shirt you can hardly see any bosom at all. And with my muscular arms people tend to think my chest if just muscle as well. I have two of those. Yesterday they were both in the laundry and the weather is really sweaty so I didn't want to have to wear my real binder which is much tighter and doesn't breath as well. So I put on a normal sports bra. And I went nuts. I just couldn't do it anymore. It felt so wrong. I hadn't had that like this before. Not as intense. So in the end, when I had to leave the house, I just put on a H&M top that was not completely dry yet. I didn't care. I'd rather walk around in wet clothes that do suit me then something that isn't who I am that is dry and clean. I had not expected this to happen so soon. It's quite fascinating to see all these things happen and not even really having a choice in them. You know what's going to happen, you just don't know when and in what shape. I ordered some more tops online and hopefully they will arrive tomorrow or the day after. I guess I can throw out all those old bras now. I'm not going to wear them anymore anyway. It will feel good to get rid of them. I'm moving on.

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I had my first meeting with the genderteam in Amsterdam.

Today I had my first screening meeting with the genderteam in Amsterdam. The woman who is assigned to me is really nice and I don't mind working with her at all. She was okay with me having gone to the Psycho Informa Group and having started hormone treatment. She told me she wants to get me through the screening as fast as possible. I have three more meetings set, including one for testing but those are mostly for their own research. They will be copying most of the tests from the PIG as they are resent enough to still be valid. This will save everyone a lot of time. 

I feel relieved. I had expected to have to prove to them that I really am a transsexual. I don't. She is actually very understanding and helpful. I like her a lot. Somehow her immediate acceptance of me being trans makes things even more real for me. It's another confirmation that I'm not just making this up. It also makes me feel like this is something that is within reach. One day I will wake up and all this, this whole transition process, will be over and I can put this behind me and get on with my life. I feel like I came another step closer to that today. 

They still schedule the meetings a month apart but that can not be fixed alas. I'm glad I can do those tests before the next meeting. I'm curious what kind of tests they want to do for their research. I heard they are doing something with fMRI scans in Stockholm I think. Would be cool if they would do those here as well. I would love to see my brain in action. They know where to find me if they ever start doing those here as well. 

I really do feel better. Slowly, every day, I can breath a little better. The weight is getting less heavy. And knowing it's just a countdown from now on really helps. The end is near. I'm so looking forward to this.

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I started hormone treatment!

Last Thursday I had my second meeting with the hormone doctor. He told me my blood work was fine. My good cholesterol was actually really high which is great. Testosterone can inhibit liver functions which can cause lower good cholesterol so I have more then a buffer. My testosterone is 1.6 which is really low, even for a girl. To get to male values I have to get it up to between 11 and 30. At least, that's what I heard from my trans friends. There seems to be a different way to measure testosterone and then you get to values of 300 or something. I have been googling but I can't find any clear numbers. Next time I see him I'll ask. 

My low testosterone levels do make me wonder. I don't look like it. I mean, I'm pretty strong and all. I hope this means I am very receptive to testosterone and will be getting results really quick. Time will tell. 

I only got started yesterday so I'm not noticing anything yet. I am slightly nauseous which can be a side effect but it could also be stress. I mean, this is a big deal, no matter how cool I may act. I also didn't sleep very well. I was really restless. Could be the T, could also be anticipation. This morning, while I was teaching BodyBump, my barbell felt really light though but I did have trouble focusing. Again, no way to tell what that means. Right now, I'm tempted to read into everything. I really need to restrain myself. I should start noticing something within a few weeks though. Something. There are guidelines for what to expect but they are not rules. It's different for everyone. Usually the voice starts acting funky pretty quickly which is going to be a lot of fun while teaching. I can just see myself squeaking while I'm trying to help people push through those last single presses in the shoulder track. Fun fun fun. But it will pass. Things will get better and I can finally be myself. 

Writing that last sentence makes me realize how much I am still putting my life on hold. There are still so many things I don't do because I feel I can't because my body is holding me back. But that's not true. During BodyPump I sometimes remind people of that. Can or can't are thing that live inside your head. If you tell yourself you can't do those last few reps then you will fail. If you tell yourself: I can do this and I will, then you can and you will. This is true for a lot of things in life. Many more then we think. But it's so much easier to think we can't because then we don't have to fail. We don't even try. It's safer. But I am done being safe. I tried to play it safe most of my life and all it got me was misery. No more. It's time to start saying: yes I can! So here I go. I can do this.

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Looking back, a quick summery.

I just wrote a really short article for the quarterly magazine for the LGBT organization I work for. I didn't have much space so I just made a really short summery of the whole "oh my, I might be trans" thing. I started at the beginning and skipped most of what is now the middle to get to where I am now. Lately I have been thinking a lot about the road ahead. Starting hormone treatment means my body will finally start to change. It feels like a beginning. But I just realized it isn't. It's the end of the beginning. The beginning has been the journey up to this point. And it has been a long one. I keep forgetting that. So I'm taking a moment to look back.

About two years ago I first started to allow myself to even consider this male/female thing. Before then it was my deepest, darkest secret and I couldn't tell anyone about it. I hid it so far from the rest of the world I even hid it from myself most of the time. I tried really hard to be a good girl, or more, to be good at being a girl. But I always felt like a failure, like I was doing something wrong. In a way I was right, I was doing something wrong. I was barking up the wrong tree. I knew I was but I didn't see any other options. I was miserable and convinced I would always stay that way because I could never be what I really wanted to be. I couldn't live like that. 

So I took a chance. I started looking around on the internet, gathering information about transgenderism and applying it to my own case. I started looking at my life in a different light and suddenly things made a lot more sense. I talked to some friends and they all responded very relaxed, agreeing that living as a man would indeed suit me much better. I made more sense as a man to them as well. I put myself on the waiting list to get treatment and took a deep breath. A weight fell off me. 

I had made my choice, and then it was time to tell people. So I did. My mother almost cried, she was so afraid I would be an outcast and would ruin my chance at being happy. I don't blame her. It's not easy being trans. But my friends all responded really well. Most of them were mostly curious as to how it all works. People told me they were proud of me for choosing to be myself, which sounds silly but they're right as too many people are afraid to be true to themselves, gender aside. People told me they thought it was cool. And they asked all kinds of questions, some of which I didn't have an answer to because I hadn't thought about it yet and those questions helped me understanding things better myself. Over all, it was a good experience. I got lucky. 

And then there was the screening. The big test to see if you're not just nuts and if you're the real deal. But also to see if you are able to deal with the changes because they're pretty big indeed. So I filled out the endless questioners, wrote my life story, brought along a friend and talked and talked and talked. All according to protocol. I don't think I agree with the protocol completely but I understand they want to make sure you can get through this life changing event okay. Finally they sent me to see a different psychiatrist and he agreed I was indeed 'born in the wrong body' and I could start hormone treatment. Relief washed over me. 

Of course, every time you get some good news you get put on hold again. It's been nearly 3 months since I was given the okay and I still don't have my hormones. Next week, if all goes well, so almost now. This constantly being put on hold takes its toll. It's much harder then people realize. But I'm almost there. Once I start hormones at least the changes will start and I will really feel like I am on my way. It's like taking the train to the airport. You don't feel like you're really on your way until your on the plane but you've left home long ago. I'm on my way alright, and I have left many miles behind me already. 

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