Closing doors.

It has been 4 weeks since I started on testosterone. Changes are slow and gradual. I got measured at the gym and according to those scales I have gained 1.4 Kg of muscle and lost 0.6 Kg of fat. That's an insane amount. At least, the muscle is. I was really surprised by that. I had noticed training was getting easier and I have added more weight for most of my training but this is a lot more then I had expected. This is an extra reason to keep an eye on what I am eating and I'm glad I started the Renegade program a bit over a week ago. This means intermittent fasting, loads of veggies and lots of protein in what ever form I see fit. So I have decided eating bacon is allowed. Since I am doing a mayor physical renovation anyway I figured I might as well build myself up from the ground. I can't wait to see where I am a year from now. I have decided I shall look awesome. 

But this renovation doesn't just apply to my body. It goes for the upper chamber as well. The mind. I am taking a new look at how my life is constructed at the moment. Which things do I want to keep, which need to be replaced and what can go. Which things give me energy? What drains me? And why? This is also a slow process and is something that happens gradually. It's impossible to just sit down and make an inventory of everything you do and how you feel about it. So sometimes things happen when you don't expect them. You may tend to wander into a room to find the space uncomfortable to a degree you just want to get out as soon as possible. Or you may even find the door closed. 

Last Saturday we had drag night at the trans café here in Leiden. So of course, being a boy now, I had to go dressed as a girl, right? Right. I had been dreading that evening for weeks. Pretty much as soon as the idea was agreed upon. I postponed deciding what to wear until the last moment. I had already told people I wasn't planning on shaving my legs so a skirt was not an option. Somehow, that door had closed on me. I wore something simple, though all clearly girl's clothing, and a little make up. I used to be able to walk on heels just fine, with hip sway and all. This time I just couldn't get into it and the high heels made me walk awkwardly. I felt uncomfortable all evening. It felt as if I was stuck behind a glass wall and couldn't connect to anything. It puzzled me at first, because this was how I had dressed for years. Once home I shook off those clothes as quickly as possible. I stripped off that mask I used to wear and was no longer used to. That's when I realized how miserable I had been all those years, being stuck behind that mask, unable to get out, unable to be myself. Every now and then I still wonder, wouldn't it be easier to just fit in? But once again it has been confirmed, that door has closed. I can't go back. Not even for an evening. Maybe one day I will be able to wear something like that again. But only if it doesn't compromise my masculinity. Now it still does and it's too uncomfortable still. You live you learn.

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Boxer shorts and kilts. Male emancipation.

Working as a volunteer for COC Leiden on the educational program I find myself confronted with a classroom full of 15 year old children. In most cases these kids have no idea what my life looks like and the struggle transgenders have been going through for so long. Some of them honestly don't understand why it should be such a problem. Others find it all very odd and don't see how it relates to their world. But being transgender can happen to anyone. People are trying to show that transsexuals are more intelligent then the averaged person. I seriously doubt that's true. It could be that people with a lower IQ simply don't understand what the problem is or don't have the means to express themselves or the means to actually do something about their situation and therefor decide to stay the way they are because they don't seem to have a choice. Genderdysphoria hits all parts of society equally.


But that doesn't make it any stranger to those kids. Why would a guy want to wear a skirt? One day, standing in front of a class, I was tempted to say: I wear boxer shorts too, nobody thinks that's weird. I realized how odd it was to say that, being a female to male transgender. And then it hit me. Even if I was a real girl, it would still be okay for me to wear boy's undies. But the other way around, it wasn't okay. I told them this was silly. That boys should be allowed to wear girl's clothes if girls were allowed to wear boy's clothes like trousers and boxer shorts. Yes, trousers. It wasn't too long ago that a girl would get beaten by her own mother for wearing trousers. And now we think it's completely normal. But boys still can't wear skirts. Marilyn Manson once said that Robert Smith (the Cure) made it okay for boys to wear lipstick. I wish that was really true. Fact is, if a regular boy, not someone famous or who works in entertainment, wears lipstick out on the street, and not on a stage, he will most likely get beaten up. The only time a boy can wear a skirt outside is when it is a kilt, which is Scottish battle clothing. But even then, it is worn as a statement, and people look and point.

Going from girl to boy, from Venus to Mars, I have noticed there are things I suddenly can't do anymore. Like wearing a skirt or make up if I want to. Those things are just not done. Suddenly the things I say that were labeled as strong and independent being said by a woman, were found rude and offensive when said as a man. I find myself needing to sensor myself, not because of what I say or even how I say it, because I would have said it the same way as a woman, but because I am male. Women are expected to stand up for themselves, to fight for their rights. Men are expected to already have rights and should not claim them because by claiming their rights they are automatically suppressing women. Really? It would seem so. I find it all very strange. It seems to me like men are even more stuck in their gender role then women are. Remember people asked me why I couldn't just be a masculine woman or a tomboy because that would be easier? It would be easier. A lot! Mostly because you don't lose the rights you have as a woman. I had no idea how limited men are in their personal expression until I started living as one. Being a masculine woman means getting more freedom and being able to make your own choices. Being a feminine man means losing your rights as a man and not gaining the rights of women. Women have been fighting to gain the rights of men and have succeeded on many levels, though the fight is still far from over. I wish them all the best, I really do. It made my life a lot easier while I was still trying to live as a woman. But men have hardly started the battle to gain the rights of women. Every now and then a man stands up and raises his fist, but it doesn't seem to stick.


Maybe men are afraid that when they try to gain women's rights they will lose their own rights and will be left with nothing. As a transman it's even more difficult because you feel you have to prove your manhood. You have to compensate for not having a penis. And if you do decide to wear a bit of make up every now and then suddenly you are not trans enough and not a 'real' transsexual. Again, something that seems very silly to me and a lot of people agree it is silly indeed. But I don't see a lot of people standing up for this. A lot of transsexuals are afraid that people will think they are actually transvestites when they hold on to some habits that are linked to their old gender. This does happen and does not help at all. Maybe we should all pay less attention to what we all 'should do' and pay more attention to ourselves, who we really are and how we want to express ourselves, no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Though maybe not while we are walking the dog late in the evening... I know there is a fair chance of getting beaten up over this, but I'd rather stand up for what I believe in and get a few bruises then continue to live in shame. Who's with me?




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Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror

As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.


"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.

Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."

In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."

For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs


As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.

Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.


Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.


So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.


I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.


This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.



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