Bronies and beared ladies.

Last week there was a Dutch article on a German woman who had beard growth and had decided to not pluck it out any longer. She now works at the circus. It's a lonely life but she is happier being herself even though not everyone reacts positively, telling her she should be shot etc.

I was a bit surprised at this article and not in a good way. I found myself thinking: she really works in the circus? That is so two centuries ago. It seemed like fiction. But this probably is her only option. Let's be honest, what kind of job do you see her doing? Something where other people couldn't see her. But who would hire her in the first place? I don't think anyone would. Other then circus that is. People are so stuck in the binary that anything that does not fit people's ideas of what is feminine or masculine is simply not accepted. A bearded lady is a freak and should either be shot or in the circus. In the rest of the world there is no place for someone like that. 

What I was even more surprised at, were the reactions the article got. It was posted in one of the trans groups on Facebook. It was a mixed group so there were transmen and women on there. The post has been removed and I only saw a few of the comments but I saw it was getting out of hand real quick. The transmen mostly reacted approving, perhaps even a bit jealous. Some of the transwomen however were shocked, appalled and offended. How could a woman want to grow a beard? They were trying really hard to not grow a beard in becoming a real woman. And now there was this cis (people born in the body that fits their gender identity) woman, who saw herself as 100% woman, who was growing a beard! How could she do that? It seems that a lot of transsexuals are just as stuck in the binary as most cis people are. They rebuke any behavior that doesn't fit just as hard as others do. 

As much as that shocks me, I also feel embarrassed as I am part of that group and I would like to be able to say: we, transgenders, think outside of the binary boxes of male and female. But it turns out we don't. We are just as human as the rest of you. We are just as insecure, or maybe even more. We want to fit in. That's all that matters in the end. At least, for a lot of trans people. The want to be accepted for who they are and because of that they will go through great lengths to be as passable as possible. Even if that means rejecting people who don't fit the standard either, who are just trying to be themselves, just like they are.

Passability is one of the greatest issues among the trans community. It's so important. It is the greatest achievement there is for a transsexual. It makes me wonder why. A lot of transsexuals are afraid they will be found out. That something will give away the fact that they were born in the wrong body. They are afraid that, if/when people find out, they will be rejected. A lot of them will tell you it's not about that. It's about feeling like a real woman or like a real man. Sorry but that's a load of crap. If you didn't feel like a woman or a man, you wouldn't want to change your body and your social role to fit how you feel. So you already feel like a real woman or a real man. What you look like has nothing to do with that. If we look at the so called ideal of what women or men should look like, hardly anyone meets that standard. But a lot of trans people think they should, because they have to compensate for not having ovaries or testicles. Do we really have to? A friend of mine posted a video on my wall the other day, about bronies. About what? Bronies. Just watch the video here. 

Did you watch it? It raises some interesting questions. Personally I'm a big fan of bronies. Not of My Little Pony to be honest. But I think bronies are awesome. I hope it will be the start of something new. A new definition of what masculine and feminine means. And how stuck we are with those two as being divided. I believe that everyone has a feminine and a masculine side. We are now at an age where we have the ability to express both sides. Whether you are transsexual or cis or transgender, you always have a feminine and a masculine side. Embrace them and make them work together. If we, the trans people, really want to be ourselves and be free to express the way we see ourselves, everyone should be able to. I think that's the only way to do it. So I say let's get the bearded lady out of the circus and see her as just another human being, just like the rest of us. 

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Putin vs the gays.

Yesterday evening I went to Amsterdam to join the protest against the law the Russians have proposed on LGBT propaganda. Personally I think the whole idea is idiotic as your sexual orientation and gender identity are locked into the brain. You can torture someone as much as you like but they will remain gay. If being LGBT was a choice hardly anyone would do it because of all the trouble you can get into. It makes life a lot harder and no one wants that. Personally, if I had a choice, I would just ´fit in´. I tried long enough to be a girl after all. And that´s what we all want in the end. To fit in and to belong. But it´s not a choice. So pretending it´s not there is not an option. Therefor the idea of gay propaganda is just silly. Propaganda suggests it is a choice. Propaganda suggests you can persuade people to become gay. Come join us, we have rainbows! I mean, really? Does he actually think it works that way? Does anyone? I know people do believe such things but come on. Why on earth would someone chose to be gay if it means you can get lynched. Or, closer to home for most of us, get fired, bullied, or beaten up like that gay couple in Paris the other day. Why would anyone chose to live like that? We don't. We don't have a choice. It's who we are. 

Putin denies human rights are being infringed. He says that the LGBT community has the same rights as anyone else. He also says it's a local law that is suggested to ban gay propaganda, not federal. But federal law should make such local laws impossible. If it really is local, he should pull rank and tell them it's a no go. In the mean time the law has already been activated in several areas of the country. Violence is growing. People don't feel safe, they are scared. And they should be. The police does not protect them. Putin may say the police should, but they don't. A survey in Russia shows that "Tolerance towards people with different sexual orientation and an understanding of their problems was found in 23% of Russian people, who suggest that these people should be left in peace to be themselves; another 27% believe that such people need psychological help. The rest of society has firm opinions on the issue: 16% believe that homosexuals should be isolated from society, 22% think they should be forced to undergo treatment, and 5% think they should be "eliminated" completely..." Less then 1 in 4 is 'okay' with gay people. So Putin may say that LGBT people have the same rights, but with the homophobia going through the roof, it's a bit difficult to believe people can actually exercise those rights. Banning education on LGBT is not going to make people less gay. It's just going to make them more homophobic. 

So, the protest. What was is like. Well, there were a few thousand gay people on a tiny spot so that meant song festival music and whistles. Lots of rainbow flags and signs being waved around. Sing a longs and shouting. Being there felt important. But it also felt kind of futile. I don't know if it will help at all but it was all we could do so that's what we did. It was nice seeing a lot of people there, running into old and new friends. It was really nice to know they care. A friend of mine who is straight came along as well. She turned out to be the only straight person I know who bothered. I really really appreciate her being there. The thing is, this isn't just a gay issue. It's a human rights issue. It's about being able to be yourself and to love who you chose to love without being prosecuted for it. People seem to forget that. It's not just about the gays. It's about all of us. It's about freedom in the smallest things, the things we seem to take for granted. It's about such basic things as being able to give someone a hug in public. It's about not having to be ashamed of who you are. Or having to be afraid to be yourself. It's about being human. 

If you still want to do something, the petition is still open. Please sign. 

A Dutch article on Putin's visit. 

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Boxer shorts and kilts. Male emancipation.

Working as a volunteer for COC Leiden on the educational program I find myself confronted with a classroom full of 15 year old children. In most cases these kids have no idea what my life looks like and the struggle transgenders have been going through for so long. Some of them honestly don't understand why it should be such a problem. Others find it all very odd and don't see how it relates to their world. But being transgender can happen to anyone. People are trying to show that transsexuals are more intelligent then the averaged person. I seriously doubt that's true. It could be that people with a lower IQ simply don't understand what the problem is or don't have the means to express themselves or the means to actually do something about their situation and therefor decide to stay the way they are because they don't seem to have a choice. Genderdysphoria hits all parts of society equally.


But that doesn't make it any stranger to those kids. Why would a guy want to wear a skirt? One day, standing in front of a class, I was tempted to say: I wear boxer shorts too, nobody thinks that's weird. I realized how odd it was to say that, being a female to male transgender. And then it hit me. Even if I was a real girl, it would still be okay for me to wear boy's undies. But the other way around, it wasn't okay. I told them this was silly. That boys should be allowed to wear girl's clothes if girls were allowed to wear boy's clothes like trousers and boxer shorts. Yes, trousers. It wasn't too long ago that a girl would get beaten by her own mother for wearing trousers. And now we think it's completely normal. But boys still can't wear skirts. Marilyn Manson once said that Robert Smith (the Cure) made it okay for boys to wear lipstick. I wish that was really true. Fact is, if a regular boy, not someone famous or who works in entertainment, wears lipstick out on the street, and not on a stage, he will most likely get beaten up. The only time a boy can wear a skirt outside is when it is a kilt, which is Scottish battle clothing. But even then, it is worn as a statement, and people look and point.

Going from girl to boy, from Venus to Mars, I have noticed there are things I suddenly can't do anymore. Like wearing a skirt or make up if I want to. Those things are just not done. Suddenly the things I say that were labeled as strong and independent being said by a woman, were found rude and offensive when said as a man. I find myself needing to sensor myself, not because of what I say or even how I say it, because I would have said it the same way as a woman, but because I am male. Women are expected to stand up for themselves, to fight for their rights. Men are expected to already have rights and should not claim them because by claiming their rights they are automatically suppressing women. Really? It would seem so. I find it all very strange. It seems to me like men are even more stuck in their gender role then women are. Remember people asked me why I couldn't just be a masculine woman or a tomboy because that would be easier? It would be easier. A lot! Mostly because you don't lose the rights you have as a woman. I had no idea how limited men are in their personal expression until I started living as one. Being a masculine woman means getting more freedom and being able to make your own choices. Being a feminine man means losing your rights as a man and not gaining the rights of women. Women have been fighting to gain the rights of men and have succeeded on many levels, though the fight is still far from over. I wish them all the best, I really do. It made my life a lot easier while I was still trying to live as a woman. But men have hardly started the battle to gain the rights of women. Every now and then a man stands up and raises his fist, but it doesn't seem to stick.


Maybe men are afraid that when they try to gain women's rights they will lose their own rights and will be left with nothing. As a transman it's even more difficult because you feel you have to prove your manhood. You have to compensate for not having a penis. And if you do decide to wear a bit of make up every now and then suddenly you are not trans enough and not a 'real' transsexual. Again, something that seems very silly to me and a lot of people agree it is silly indeed. But I don't see a lot of people standing up for this. A lot of transsexuals are afraid that people will think they are actually transvestites when they hold on to some habits that are linked to their old gender. This does happen and does not help at all. Maybe we should all pay less attention to what we all 'should do' and pay more attention to ourselves, who we really are and how we want to express ourselves, no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Though maybe not while we are walking the dog late in the evening... I know there is a fair chance of getting beaten up over this, but I'd rather stand up for what I believe in and get a few bruises then continue to live in shame. Who's with me?




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Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror

As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.


"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.

Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."

In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."

For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs


As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.

Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.


Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.


So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.


I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.


This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.



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Just to get a few things clear.

A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.

Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.


"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."

I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.

As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.


"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."

Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.

Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.


"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"

I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.


"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."

Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.


"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."

I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.


I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.

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Another one bites the dust. (suicide)

Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.


I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.


About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.


"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth

I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.


The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.


This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.


If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?


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Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.

Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?


I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.


There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.


A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.


But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?


One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.


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