Just to get a few things clear.

A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.

Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.


"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."

I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.

As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.


"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."

Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.

Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.


"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"

I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.


"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."

Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.


"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."

I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.


I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.

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How to get a date in a virgin state.

I have been single for about a year again now. Mostly I am very content with that. I need some time to sort things out for myself. Acting according to your true gender identity while you couldn't for a long time has effect on pretty much every aspect of your life. So you need a little you time. But, I do miss sex, even though it is a bit confusing right now.


People tell me I am (becoming) a pretty boy and they are sure I will find someone really soon. That's all great but also all theory, from them. Reality is different. When it comes to dating and having sex as a boy, or, hopefully, as a man even, I have zero experience. I am clueless. In a way you could say I am back to square one: a virgin. This may sound like an exaggeration but it doesn't make it any less true in my experience. When you talk to girls, or boys, as a girl, trying to get a date with them or anything like that, it's completely different from when doing that as a boy. There are different rules, different expectations. The things I used to do as a girl that would work just fine are now suddenly a no go. And I am clueless. And you'd think that I would know what a girl would like a guy to do when coming on to her, right? Well, there's the problem. I tried to pretend to be a girl, but I wasn't. So I have no clue what a girl would like to hear. I'm a guy, remember. I want a yes to mean yes and a no to mean no. I don't like playing games or beating around the bush. I don't chase. They say that when it comes to gay guys it's all very simple. They're very straight forward when it comes to courtship. But I'm not sure about that in my case. I mean, I don't have a penis but I do have boobs, and that kind of complicates things, doesn't it? If I was a gay guy, I would think twice about taking home a pre-treatment transsexual. After all, if girls don't turn you on and you are confronted with a female body, things could get complicated. So what does that leave me? Should I start screening for bisexuals instead of for just people that I like in general?


Say I actually do manage to take someone home. Sounds great. Then what? I still don't have a penis. A strap on could fix that problem. Still not a real penis so you always treat it differently. Plus, what if that person is actually attracted to vagina's? Am I comfortable with that? How does this all work?! I guess it would depend on who I am with, what they like and how comfortable I feel about that person doing certain things. There are so many options! And I really don't know what I would want and what not. I'm pretty conflicted about how I feel about my downstairs area at the moment. I've never had that before because I never questioned it before. What I had was what I had and that's what I used. But now what I have is not what I should have, so am I still comfortable using it? How much do I miss what I'm missing now that I am aware of the fact that I'm missing it? There is only one way to find out. By having sex. And I would really like to know. I am so curious about all this. But right now it seems like there is no way to find out because, I don't have a freaking pick up line. Help me out here people. How the hell does someone like me, in this state, get a date?


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Boobs, penises, hairy legs and vocal cords.

Most days I shower at the gym but when I do shower at home I take my time. I wash my hair, shave, and contemplate for a bit. It's amazing what you can come up with in the shower. This time the epiphany came when I was shaving. Girls shave their legs, right? Usually anyway. I started shaving my legs when I was 17. Made sense at the time. And I do like smooth skin. My skin just doesn't like shaving and it tends to get irritated. I also really dislike the actual shaving of my legs. And, thinking about it, other people's smooth legs are much more appealing then rubbing my own. So why do I shave my legs?


I teach BodyPump at the gym. This means there are 20-40 people staring at me, watching my every move. Or at least some of it anyway. I am very self conscious when I'm in front of the group because I know those people are judging me. They can tell me they don't but we're all human and we all know we do it. When ever someone is standing in front of a group, they are being judged. And as a fitness instructor you should be setting an example of what a healthy body should look like. This includes personal hygiene. So I have been shaving my legs. But I don't really want to. If I was a 'real boy' it would be acceptable for me not to shave my legs but not everybody knows I'm not a girl. So there is this group of people who judge me on my appearance with no knowledge of who I really am. And I care. Obviously. Else I would have stopped shaving my legs ages ago. Actually I would have started my transition ages ago if I didn't care what people think of me but we are all human and all need to be accepted by others.


There is another thing I noticed while teaching the other day. I have trouble using my voice properly. As in, when you are instructing people to 'drop that butt an inch deeper' or 'push a little harder' and 'keep going, we're almost there', 'come on, you can make it' and 'go Go GO!', you need to use your voice in a different way then you usually do. Your voice tends to go up, get higher. And it annoys the hell out of me. I know the people in the class really don't care about something like that but it bothers me and I hold back which means I can't help them push further to get those results they want that they can't get on their own. So I need to either get over the fact that my voice does something I don't like, or I need to find words etc. I can use that don't force my voice to pitch like that. Both are difficult. I really can't wait to start testosterone so my voice will lower.


A little detour. I googled for images of phalloplastics the other day, as one does, and came across my own face. It linked to and interview I had done a while back: http://www.tijd-voor-t.nl/portretten/portret-tyler-fokker/ I googled the Dutch word actually which may explain something as the article is in Dutch as well. Honestly I was shocked. I had not expected to find myself so quickly searching for something trans related. I don't want to be defined as a transgender. Sometimes I think I do, but that's bullshit. I don't. No one does. You want to be defined as you. But that's not an option for anyone, no matter what gender you are. You are always a man, or a woman, or something else that has to be defined. And being a transsexual I find myself forced to fight this battle for equality. But men and woman are not equal either. None of us are. Because we keep defining people as either male or female, or something in between which causes confusion. We are not defined as people. Currently, because I have boobs, most people define me as female. The people that know I am male (mostly anyway), try to define me as male. Sometimes that's easier then other days. When I'm at the gym and I wear a sports bra even people who know I'm trans and fully accept and support that still sometimes slip up, because they get distracted by the boobs. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. Right now I hate having boobs more then I hate not having a penis. I know one day I will have surgery and the boobs will go away. And the surgery for getting a penis is possible these days, but honestly, the thought horrifies me as it will never be a real penis. So far, all the results I have seen, look fake, stuck on and I'm afraid I would hate having that mockery between my legs even more then what I have now.


But what is this really all about? It's about self acceptance. It is? Yes. As long as I don't fully accept who/what I am, people around me won't either. They won't know who I really am if I don't let them know somehow. This is really hard. Because I don't want to be the way I am. This period of transition is horrible. It really, really is. That goes for every transgender that decides to modify their bodies to make it more like who they really are. People know I am transgender, but they don't see anything different about me, so I stay the same mostly. Then the changes will slowly come and people will start to notice something is happening, including people who don't know me. And people will get confused. I probably will as well. I wish I could cocoon like butterflies do. Go in hiding while the changes take place and emerge as the new me. But that's not an option. The only thing I can do to make this transition easier is by embracing it and start making changes where I can. Hiding my transition does not make it easier. Can people really tell if I shave my legs? Do they really care? Does it matter if my voice goes up a bit if it helps those people? Or do I feel more secure when I hold back and can I compensate that way? Do I want to start wearing a chest binder at the gym? Or do I want to be practical? Do I really need to stress about possibly one day getting something that looks like a penis or can I just let that go for now and cross that bridge when I get there? Who knows what might be possible by then?


One thing at a time. For now, I've decided to not shave my legs. That's one down, a million other details left to go. Baby steps, that's the only way to do it. One breath at a time. One day things will get easier. They will start to feel more natural. I can't wait, but I will. I've come to realize that this is probably the biggest journey of my life. If I can do this, I can do anything. I never imagined that not shaving my legs would be such a huge thing to do.


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