How to get a date in a virgin state.

I have been single for about a year again now. Mostly I am very content with that. I need some time to sort things out for myself. Acting according to your true gender identity while you couldn't for a long time has effect on pretty much every aspect of your life. So you need a little you time. But, I do miss sex, even though it is a bit confusing right now.


People tell me I am (becoming) a pretty boy and they are sure I will find someone really soon. That's all great but also all theory, from them. Reality is different. When it comes to dating and having sex as a boy, or, hopefully, as a man even, I have zero experience. I am clueless. In a way you could say I am back to square one: a virgin. This may sound like an exaggeration but it doesn't make it any less true in my experience. When you talk to girls, or boys, as a girl, trying to get a date with them or anything like that, it's completely different from when doing that as a boy. There are different rules, different expectations. The things I used to do as a girl that would work just fine are now suddenly a no go. And I am clueless. And you'd think that I would know what a girl would like a guy to do when coming on to her, right? Well, there's the problem. I tried to pretend to be a girl, but I wasn't. So I have no clue what a girl would like to hear. I'm a guy, remember. I want a yes to mean yes and a no to mean no. I don't like playing games or beating around the bush. I don't chase. They say that when it comes to gay guys it's all very simple. They're very straight forward when it comes to courtship. But I'm not sure about that in my case. I mean, I don't have a penis but I do have boobs, and that kind of complicates things, doesn't it? If I was a gay guy, I would think twice about taking home a pre-treatment transsexual. After all, if girls don't turn you on and you are confronted with a female body, things could get complicated. So what does that leave me? Should I start screening for bisexuals instead of for just people that I like in general?


Say I actually do manage to take someone home. Sounds great. Then what? I still don't have a penis. A strap on could fix that problem. Still not a real penis so you always treat it differently. Plus, what if that person is actually attracted to vagina's? Am I comfortable with that? How does this all work?! I guess it would depend on who I am with, what they like and how comfortable I feel about that person doing certain things. There are so many options! And I really don't know what I would want and what not. I'm pretty conflicted about how I feel about my downstairs area at the moment. I've never had that before because I never questioned it before. What I had was what I had and that's what I used. But now what I have is not what I should have, so am I still comfortable using it? How much do I miss what I'm missing now that I am aware of the fact that I'm missing it? There is only one way to find out. By having sex. And I would really like to know. I am so curious about all this. But right now it seems like there is no way to find out because, I don't have a freaking pick up line. Help me out here people. How the hell does someone like me, in this state, get a date?


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Getting to know myself: give and take.

This whole transition thing stimulates a lot of soul searching, which was to be expected. It's very interesting to see what happens. Things I had set up only about a year ago with the idea that this would be a long term thing are already looking different in the light of my new life. And compared to how things were 5 or even 10 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me anymore. The results of my psychological tests are in a way obvious but also surprising. Like the diagonal line going from rigid: not at all, to confident: very. It used to be the other way around, even only 5 years ago. I have grown so much in the past 5 years, I sometimes find it hard to believe. Mostly it amazes me that it was actually the same person who did all those things.


For 25 years I spent most of my time thinking about other people. What will they think. What will the do to me. Is it okay for them that I exist. I spent a lot of time trying to not exist and to destroy my body. But I don't think I ever really wanted to be dead. At that point, I wasn't sure. I didn't know what I wanted because I was unable to be myself. I had lost connection to myself. All I had was the ideas I had about what other people wanted me to be and how I was failing to live up to them, except for the expectation of failure. I was walking a tightrope, trying to disappear, proving I was a failure and didn't belong here, and desperately holding on to life. It was not easy.


In the last 5 years I have learned to care for myself. Even to love myself though it's still not always easy. I've learned it's okay for me to be who I am. And I am slowly getting to know this person, this me who is surfacing. Turns out, I'm actually a really nice guy people like to be around. This also means I end up in the friend zone all the time but at least I have friends and that's a good start. I actually have some amazing friends and feel very blessed to have so many lovely people in my life. I'm learning a lot from my friends, in all kinds of ways. One friend who currently inspires me a lot is going to go to Australia and NZ for a year. Maybe longer. She is following a dream. The time is now. You never know if you'll get another chance than the one you create for yourself right now. I made a bucket list last month and am working on it, slowly but surely. And yes, travel is on that list as well. I'd prefer to change my passport before then though but that also gives me time to save up some money. I've come to the conclusion there are so many things I want to do, I wonder if I have enough time. That means I have to get started as soon as possible.


Getting to know myself also means learning what I don't want and making the choice to stop doing those things so I have more time to do the things I do want to do. Sounds simple, but is a bit tricky. I don't want people to think I'm giving up or giving in. I'm just changing my mind because I have more information. That should be okay. It's my life after all and hadn't I decided I was going to be in charge from now on? Yes I had. I want to do the things that feel good to me, not just what looks good to other people. A lot of the things that are supposed to look good to other people seem odd to me anyway. There is a huge focus on money while it's nothing but a tool to get the things you want. And then it comes right down to it, there aren't that many things we really really want to have, other then experiences. There is even a commercial by a credit card company that states the experience is priceless. That's what it is all about. Those memories, those experiences, those things you have learned, they will stay with you for ever. And that's what I want right now, to learn and to grow. But for that I need time to practice certain things. And energy. Which I don't seem to have. I'm not sleeping well. Something is bothering me. There is a ball and chain draining my energy and keeping me up that I need to cut loose. I know this feeling. There is a change coming and I have a feeling I know what it is. All I need to do is find a way that will give me some closure as well. Simply dropping it doesn't work for me. I don't like loose ends. I'll let you know when I cross that bridge how it works out.


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How do you know?

 

 

With all the knowledge I have been spreading lately people tend to ask me: how do you know? It's actually quite simple. I read it somewhere. And then I read it somewhere else as well. And saw it on a documentary. And another one. And heard it from some people and talked to them about their experience with it. And then I took all that information and used my common sense (which doesn't seem to be too common these days) to see what would be most likely to be true and what would most likely be commercial nonsense. And then I applied it to my own daily life to see what would happen. And then, then I would tell people: hey look, this is a good idea, or a bad one. That's how I know all these things.

Of course, I don't know everything. I research the things I'm curious about first. Things that apply to my own life more directly. Like the gluten thing. I'm so glad I cut out grains all together because my body responds so positively to it, I can not imagine going back to eating grains. There are other topics I am curious about, like yoga and meditation, or the effect of light in a workspace, about the most effective core training, the fabric of space and time and the perfect brownie recipe. But I can't read up on everything at the same time. So I'm doing things bit by bit. I think it was Buddha who said: live every day as if it's your last, learn every day as if you'll live for ever. So that's what I try to do. I keep learning, gathering information and sharing it with the people around me so they can benefit from that knowledge as well without having to put in all that time. I love learning. I'm a real nerd when it comes to that. Learning is one of the best things there are in life. And it's not that hard. All you have to do is listen to your body, or click a link, or pick up the paper and not just read it and stop there, but think about it. Think about if it's really true what they say and why. And there you have your wonder. And from wonder comes inquisition and then comes knowledge and we all know where that leads. It empowers us to become stronger, happier people. So next time your body does something you don't like, don't just take an aspirin. Ask yourself why it's doing that and if you can change it. Because if your body is functioning as best as it can, life becomes easier in so many ways. It's the little things that add up in the end.


If there are any topics you are curious about and you think I might know something about them, don't hesitate to ask. If I do know something about it or am curious about it myself anyway I'll see if I can do a bit more research on it and write a blog about it.




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