Another one bites the dust. (suicide)

Last week the body of a 13 year of boy was found in the woods near an adjacent town. The sister of a friend of mine went to the same school as he did. 2 steps away. So close but still a total stranger. Even though I didn't know him it still shook me. The death of a 13 year old child is never a good thing. Immediately people started speculating what had happened. Murder or suicide? I talked to several people about this. I was told that he was a singular boy, quite different from other children his age, and,therefor, was bullied. There were also speculations on whether or not he was gay. But, there were also a lot of witnesses who claimed they saw him going into the woods with a man. I heard the boy was covered in bruises and therefor it must be murder. That he had bruises in his neck that looked like he had been choked. I don't know if that is true. All I know is that, 2 days ago, the police confirmed it was a suicide. His mother and sister are getting support. There was no mention of help being provided for his father who claimed it was impossible that it was suicide.


I don't know what really happened but fact remains that a young boy felt he had no other option then to end his life. I remember when I was 13 and felt the same way. I was about that age when a girl at my school committed suicide. I didn't know her well, only spoke to her a few times, but respected her greatly. She was one of the first openly lesbian girls I ever met. When she died part of me felt sad, because I didn't believe the world was a better place without her. Part of me felt angry, because the world had failed to help her. Part of me felt jealous, because she had done something I had thought about a lot but never had the courage to do. And part of me felt a little proud of her for being brave enough to take control over her own death and with that her life like that.


About 20 years later another one bites the dust. And I don't know why. I made it. I'm okay now, mostly. I don't consider suicide an option anymore though sometimes I regret not having succeeded at it because life can still get to me. At times like this it does. I know I'm not the only one.


"The Suicide Prevention Resource Center synthesized these studies and estimated that between 30 and 40% of LGBT youth, depending on age and sex groups, have attempted suicide." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_among_LGBT_youth

I find these statistics staggering. That many? Really? Of course, I don't know for sure if this boy was gay. I didn't know him. But LGBT youths are 4 times more likely to attempt suicide then heterosexual youths. Those are the odds. You do the math.


The COC that I have told you about has an education program. They provide a sort of workshop at schools to teach about diversity, bullying and LGBT issues. The Trans*-initiative will be providing a training for the educators on trans issues so I decided to come along and see how it works, how the kids respond, what kind of questions they have etc. so I knew what the educators are facing when standing in front of a class. It was an amazing experience. In the end someone always tells his/her own story so I decided to step up right away as the kids had loads of questions concerning transgenders. The kids were great! I was really blown away. I had so much fun. It felt great. I felt like I had done something worthwhile that would help make this world a better place. But clearly, it was not enough. I don't blame myself for the death of this one child. I blame all of us for the deaths of so many children. We say we have come a long way in accepting people who are different. That's great. But it doesn't help these kids that are getting bullied for bing different, these kids that are not being accepted by their own parents, these kids that feel like they have no place in this world. 20 years of progress and still a family has to bury their son, their brother because this boy did not feel safe, did not feel loved, did not feel strong enough to fight this immense force around him that would not accept him for who he was.


This may sound silly but I have literally cried for this boy. Not just for him, for all of us. And I probably will cry every time I hear something like this has happened. I hope this doesn't mean I will continue to cry the rest of my life. I know I'm not the only one who is upset about this. We all should be. But what do we do? The kids at his school are wearing colored pants for a few weeks, because he used to do so. They have no idea what kind of hypocrites that makes them. And how pointless it is if they don't change the way they treat each other. We need to educate our children. To be able to do that, we need to educate ourselves and ask ourselves some tough questions. Are you really open to people who are different from you? Do you accept and respect other people? Do you? Really? Or do you judge them behind their backs and think they won't notice? Are you being honest with yourself on this? Do you practice what you preach? The only way we can change this world is by first being honest with ourselves, change what we need to, and then help others gather the information they need to be able to find acceptance of and respect for those who are different from them.


If you feel like you want to do something more and have the time, check the website to become a volunteer and help educating our children: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/voorlichtsters-gezocht. One person CAN make a difference. Why shouldn't it be you?


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Getting to know myself: give and take.

This whole transition thing stimulates a lot of soul searching, which was to be expected. It's very interesting to see what happens. Things I had set up only about a year ago with the idea that this would be a long term thing are already looking different in the light of my new life. And compared to how things were 5 or even 10 years ago, you wouldn't recognize me anymore. The results of my psychological tests are in a way obvious but also surprising. Like the diagonal line going from rigid: not at all, to confident: very. It used to be the other way around, even only 5 years ago. I have grown so much in the past 5 years, I sometimes find it hard to believe. Mostly it amazes me that it was actually the same person who did all those things.


For 25 years I spent most of my time thinking about other people. What will they think. What will the do to me. Is it okay for them that I exist. I spent a lot of time trying to not exist and to destroy my body. But I don't think I ever really wanted to be dead. At that point, I wasn't sure. I didn't know what I wanted because I was unable to be myself. I had lost connection to myself. All I had was the ideas I had about what other people wanted me to be and how I was failing to live up to them, except for the expectation of failure. I was walking a tightrope, trying to disappear, proving I was a failure and didn't belong here, and desperately holding on to life. It was not easy.


In the last 5 years I have learned to care for myself. Even to love myself though it's still not always easy. I've learned it's okay for me to be who I am. And I am slowly getting to know this person, this me who is surfacing. Turns out, I'm actually a really nice guy people like to be around. This also means I end up in the friend zone all the time but at least I have friends and that's a good start. I actually have some amazing friends and feel very blessed to have so many lovely people in my life. I'm learning a lot from my friends, in all kinds of ways. One friend who currently inspires me a lot is going to go to Australia and NZ for a year. Maybe longer. She is following a dream. The time is now. You never know if you'll get another chance than the one you create for yourself right now. I made a bucket list last month and am working on it, slowly but surely. And yes, travel is on that list as well. I'd prefer to change my passport before then though but that also gives me time to save up some money. I've come to the conclusion there are so many things I want to do, I wonder if I have enough time. That means I have to get started as soon as possible.


Getting to know myself also means learning what I don't want and making the choice to stop doing those things so I have more time to do the things I do want to do. Sounds simple, but is a bit tricky. I don't want people to think I'm giving up or giving in. I'm just changing my mind because I have more information. That should be okay. It's my life after all and hadn't I decided I was going to be in charge from now on? Yes I had. I want to do the things that feel good to me, not just what looks good to other people. A lot of the things that are supposed to look good to other people seem odd to me anyway. There is a huge focus on money while it's nothing but a tool to get the things you want. And then it comes right down to it, there aren't that many things we really really want to have, other then experiences. There is even a commercial by a credit card company that states the experience is priceless. That's what it is all about. Those memories, those experiences, those things you have learned, they will stay with you for ever. And that's what I want right now, to learn and to grow. But for that I need time to practice certain things. And energy. Which I don't seem to have. I'm not sleeping well. Something is bothering me. There is a ball and chain draining my energy and keeping me up that I need to cut loose. I know this feeling. There is a change coming and I have a feeling I know what it is. All I need to do is find a way that will give me some closure as well. Simply dropping it doesn't work for me. I don't like loose ends. I'll let you know when I cross that bridge how it works out.


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A survey on selfharm. Children need our help.

A friend of mine is doing a survey to determine how well students are being helped at school when they struggle with automutilation, also knows as selfharm (SH). I find it very important that she is doing this. The results will serve as a guide to write a protocol for schools on how to act when they find a student in such a situation. Right now there are no guidelines what so ever for this. As a result precious time is lost in helping these children. Depression in teens is much more common then we would like to admit and a very serious problem. Selfharm is not about getting attention. It's about survival. It's a way to deal with the struggles and pain that otherwise become too great to handle. Most of the time parents don't have a clue or are part of the problem. When parents fail to protect their children it's time for the community to step in and take action. Since most children spend most of their time at school it makes sense for teachers to notice the signs and respond to them. Most teachers don't know what they should be looking for though. And if they do notice something is wrong, they don't know how to respond. So they leave the kid alone and hope it's just a phase and it will pass. For some it does pass. For others it ends in suicide. But the majority is left to struggle on for years and years, perhaps the rest of their lives. The sooner they can get help, the sooner things will get better and the greater the odds are they will be able to be happy some day. So if you have struggled with self harm during school and live in the Netherlands, please fill out the survey. If you know someone who did, pass it on. A lot of children out there need our help.

http://www.thesistools.com/web/?id=304850


I filled out the survey as well. I started selfharming when I was about 12 I think. I'm not entirely sure. It was a strange time. No one noticed. I would cut my upper arms at first. I would wear a short sleeved shirt at gym class so I'm pretty sure someone saw. But nobody said anything. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. My sister once asked if I could stop banging my head against the wall in the middle of the night because it would wake her up. But that's all.  My eating disorder grew worse and worse. So did my drinking, which I started when I was 8, believe it or not. And when I was 15 I started doing drugs. Just weed at first, but that's where we all start, isn't it?

I finally managed to quite when I was 29. The cutting, the drinking, everything. And now I am healthy and fit. But I still feel sad a lot of the time. I still feel lonely, unloved and unlovable like I did growing up. I still have days when I get the urge to get out a knife and rip myself to pieces. I don't think that will ever completely go away. But I keep on fighting. I keep on going. I keep on surviving. And I'm still here.

I don't know what would have happened if someone would have noticed what was really going on sooner. My parents did send me to a psychiatrist at some point and told me I could stop going there if my grades improved. My grades did improve and I could stop going. But I only felt worse. It's not just about grades and how things look on the surface. If they had spend a bit more time noticing me, maybe they would have seen what was happening. Maybe I would not feel so lonely today.



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How do you know?

 

 

With all the knowledge I have been spreading lately people tend to ask me: how do you know? It's actually quite simple. I read it somewhere. And then I read it somewhere else as well. And saw it on a documentary. And another one. And heard it from some people and talked to them about their experience with it. And then I took all that information and used my common sense (which doesn't seem to be too common these days) to see what would be most likely to be true and what would most likely be commercial nonsense. And then I applied it to my own daily life to see what would happen. And then, then I would tell people: hey look, this is a good idea, or a bad one. That's how I know all these things.

Of course, I don't know everything. I research the things I'm curious about first. Things that apply to my own life more directly. Like the gluten thing. I'm so glad I cut out grains all together because my body responds so positively to it, I can not imagine going back to eating grains. There are other topics I am curious about, like yoga and meditation, or the effect of light in a workspace, about the most effective core training, the fabric of space and time and the perfect brownie recipe. But I can't read up on everything at the same time. So I'm doing things bit by bit. I think it was Buddha who said: live every day as if it's your last, learn every day as if you'll live for ever. So that's what I try to do. I keep learning, gathering information and sharing it with the people around me so they can benefit from that knowledge as well without having to put in all that time. I love learning. I'm a real nerd when it comes to that. Learning is one of the best things there are in life. And it's not that hard. All you have to do is listen to your body, or click a link, or pick up the paper and not just read it and stop there, but think about it. Think about if it's really true what they say and why. And there you have your wonder. And from wonder comes inquisition and then comes knowledge and we all know where that leads. It empowers us to become stronger, happier people. So next time your body does something you don't like, don't just take an aspirin. Ask yourself why it's doing that and if you can change it. Because if your body is functioning as best as it can, life becomes easier in so many ways. It's the little things that add up in the end.


If there are any topics you are curious about and you think I might know something about them, don't hesitate to ask. If I do know something about it or am curious about it myself anyway I'll see if I can do a bit more research on it and write a blog about it.




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