To count or not to count.

Last year this time around I was working as a group fitness instructor. I was preparing to get on the board of the local LGBT rights organization; the COC. We were a few weeks away from getting the keys to the new location for the gallery. Things were looking good.

 

 

Right now, I don't work at a gym any more. I don't work at the COC any more either. And at the end of the month we are turning in the keys to the gallery due to lack of funds. So things have changed quite a bit and not for the better it seems. Initially I felt like I had no control over the things that were happening. They were simply happening to me. I did my best but in the end I still failed.

 

 

One of the ways I cope with set backs like these is by focussing on something I actually can control. I focus on numbers and keep track of something measurable. Usually the thing I set my focus on is my bodyweight, my food intake and my exercise. I developed my first eating disorder when I was about 7 so this is nothing new. It's more like a default setting. Things go wrong? Start controlling your intake. This time I fell into that trap again. I'm pretty sure this will always be my weak point and that's okay. Everyone has one and I know mine very well. About 5 years ago I decided to stop trying to destroy myself and tried to turn things into something a bit more constructive. I still do. So I have spend a lot of time reading research and watching interviews and debates on nutrition. Scientists tend to focus on health, on finding guidelines that people can use to build their own optimal diet. The more attention you pay to something the more it grows and constantly reading about stuff that has health as the ultimate goal makes it easier to actually stick to that and not use the information for evil, as in self-destruction.

 

 

 

A funny thing is happening. Food has always been a tool but the emphasis is shifting more towards the goal. The goal used to be to get to a minimal weight while still 'functioning' (read not getting locked up in a hospital to get force fed). Back then I spend most of my time thinking about food and weight related things. It was a full time job. Then the goal became looking good, strong and healthy. And now the goal seems to shift again to actually being healthy and having the energy to do all the things I want to do. There is a huge difference between wanting to look good and healthy and wanting to be healthy and feel energetic. Wanting to look good is about how others see you. Wanting to be health is about something completely different. It's about how I treat myself, about finding myself worth the effort to take care of myself. The goal is also no longer focused on food or my body, but on what I can do with it. It's great to look great but if, at the end of the day, I don't have the energy to do the things I enjoy, what's the point? And that's the most important shift right there. My body itself becomes a tool, not a goal. Happy people always look prettier then unhappy people. They radiate. It appeals to other people. You can be as fit as a fiddle and still look awful when you're not happy. So that's the new goal: to do the things that make me happy and sharpen the tool that is my body so I can fully enjoy them.

 

Sounds fantastic! Does that mean I'm going to stop weighing my food and counting my nutrients? I don't think I'm ready for that. But being aware that food is a tool and there are other things in life that are more important really helps a lot. It makes it less obsessive and that gives me more space to breath, and to live. Maybe one day I will be able to let it go, mostly, but I will always be aware of what I eat and how it affects me. I don't think that's a bad thing. I just don't want it to take over my life any more.

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Can I keep donating blood?

A few days ago I came across this video:

This morning I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. Every time you donate you have to fill out a form, checking yes or no for a bunch of questions. Among those questions are: for men: have you ever had sex with another man? And for women: in the past 12 months, have you had sex with a man who has ever had sex with another man? As you can see the idea that "gay blood" still has a higher risk of being contaminated still lingers in The Netherlands as well. The Dutch LGBT rights organization, the COC, asked questions about this to our government and they are currently debating the issue. They have been for about 7 years now. When asked for an update on this we get  a general reply of: we're working on it, it takes time. Latest news I could find was from november 2012.

Personally, I don't think this should be much of an issue. The risks of gay or bisexual men are close to the same here as for straight people. And even if you are taking risks, the screening fro the blood is very good these days and if there is something wrong the chances that they will notice are close to 100% now. About 8% of the population is gay. I know a lot of gay men who are willing to donate blood. And there is always a shortage. Why not allow them to donate? Do you really care who's blood it is when you are dying? Would you rather die then get a gay man's blood?

As a female to male transgender, I seem to have a bit of a problem though. Which box do I tick? Right now I am still officially registered as female at the blood bank but at some point that will change. What do I do then? If they still ask those questions by then, and they probably will, I will suddenly no longer be allowed to donate. Nothing has changed. At least, my official gender will have changed. But none of my actions will have changed. I am not at a greater risk of getting AIDS. Actually I'm not dating anyone right now but I have had sex with men in the past. And the form says: have you EVER had sex with a man. And yes, I have. So officially, I'm not allowed to donate. This makes me rather angry. I'm trying to help. I'm trying to save peoples lives. And because I am being myself I am suddenly no longer allowed to do that. It's a very strange world we live in. However, I will continue to donate for as long as I can and I encourage others to do the same. You never know when you or a loved one will be on the receiving end.

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Cheat day 2. Oh my!

Last Sunday I had my second cheat day. If you want to know why I'm doing this and how the first cheat day went, check THIS blog post.

This time I went for complex carbs as in starches. I was hoping I would feel less bad eating slow carbs and to some extend I was right. My concentration wasn't as bad as the week before. I also didn't feel so incredibly hungry all the time. Since I was aiming to eat close to 7000 calories that was actually a problem. The first time I was hungry all the time so I would continue to eat. This time I had to remind myself. I also felt full quite a lot. I absolutely love sushi but it really does make you feel full so I had to stop eating and wait for a while before I could continue. I found gluten/wheat free cookies and ate 4 packs of different types during the day. Those were relatively easy to munch away on but I really noticed they did have processed sugars in them as I would get a sharp headache after eating them. Luckily that would go away after a while again and didn't linger like it had the week before. I also didn't feel shaky. I just felt full. Really full. In the evening I made gluten free pasta with tomato sauce. I could not get it down. I really tried but I just couldn't manage it. I felt so full and was afraid that if I would force myself to eat it I would throw up. I managed some more crisps but not all of them either. In the end I ate 5,716 calories which was 1,200 calories less then the week before.

In some ways it was the total opposite of the week before. I didn't have sharp headaches. I didn't feel shaky and dizzy. I didn't feel insanely hungry. I did feel full, really full. Where my insides felt toxic the first week this time they felt sticky and filthy. My bowels were not happy at all. When I went to bed and laid down I had a hard time not throwing up. Again it took ages to fall asleep and I woke up a bunch of times. I didn't sweat as much as the week before though so that was less bad.

The day after was also different in some ways but the final result was pretty much the same: I felt horrible. In the morning I just had a dull headache which was better then the sharp one I had the week before. I managed to stop by the hospital to get some blood work done without much trouble. I felt tired and groggy but nothing I couldn't handle. But when I came home early afternoon I pretty much collapsed. I started feeling really shaky and faint and dead tired. I ended up on the sofa for 2 hours before I managed to make myself a cup of tea. And I started to feel hungry. The first time I had no trouble not eating the next day but this time I actually got worried I would fall over if I didn't eat something. In the end I gave in and had some nuts. I still had a meeting in the evening so I couldn't just go to bed. Maybe it was because I had eaten 1,200 calories less then I had aimed for. Maybe my entire system just backfired. Or maybe your body just wants you to keep on eating again the next day to get in as much carbs as possible before winter comes.

Fast sugars were somewhat worse on the day itself but less bad the day after. Slow sugars were not too bad on the day itself, though at the end it got somewhat unpleasant, but the day after was horrible. If I would have to choose which one to do again I would prefer not to at all. They were both terrible in their own ways. In reality most people combine these two types of food and I can see how that can create some sort of balance and a vicious cycle. I also felt how unhealthy it is and can cause a lot of damage in the long run. The human body is not meant to do this every day.

Next week I am going to try to do this Paleo style. I'm not sure yet how I will manage to get in enough carbs that way but I am going to try. I should probably check my friends page on facebook . She has loads of Paleo recipes for desserts and such. Like Paleo apple pie! And Paleo brownies! Now that I am looking forward to. If it doesn't contain enough carbs I'll just add a spoon of honey. I'm sure I can live with that.

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Just to get a few things clear.

A friend of mine sent me an email and, among other things, she mentioned something about my transition. I know she means well and she is just concerned but I found it highly naive, unsupportive and frankly just plain insulting. It does make me realize there are probably more people who think these things and/or don't fully understand these things. They probably don't have enough information to get better insight. So I decided I should explain these things in public. These are some of the basics actually but it could be they got snowed under. It can also be that I haven't been 100% clear on some of these things because I hadn't figured it out for myself yet. This transition is a huge process and takes time. It's like that for most trans people. You start on a journey and you're not sure where you will end up. You might think you know and you might actually end up where you thought you would, but most of us take detours at some point. We have to learn how to be trans, in our own way, for ourselves. No one can tell us how to do it because we are all different. At first, when I realized I was trans I thought I had to be some sort of macho man and denounce all things feminine, which scared me and I didn't want to but I thought a real transman had to be like that. So then I thought maybe I'm not a transman but I'm somewhere in between. After a lot of thought I came to the conclusion that yes, I really do identify as male enough to consider myself a transman. I may have feminine traits and have developed skills and qualities that are considered female, but that does not make me a woman. I am not a woman. I am a man, at this point trapped in a female body, with a healthy, developed female side. That's how I look at things now. Ask me again in a few year and it might be different. You never know. I might turn into a drag queen. It's all possible.

Lets walk through a few phrases from that email.


"Just be sure of what you really really want before you start the hormones. There's no going back afterwards."

I have given this a lot of thought. I am very very aware of the fact that once I start hormones there is no going back. I know it is a really big step. And I can't wait. I'm a bit scared, as with all big steps that will change your life in a good but fundamental way and will take some getting used to. Like getting married, or having a baby, or moving to a different city or country even. So this is a normal kind of scary. This is the good kind of scary.

As for not being able to go back? I can't go back anyway. Just like I can't go back to being anorexic anymore. I have seen what it has done to me in the past to not be able to be true to myself. How destructive it is. How much it hurts. Once you realize this and you see what you can do about it, there is no turning back. Sometimes, when I get nervous, I do wonder, if I could go back, since I haven't made any modifications to my body yet. But I have made the biggest change already. And that's in my own head. I have acknowledged the problem and there is no denying it any longer. Starting hormone therapy won't make it any less possible to turn back as it already is impossible to turn back. My mind is made up. I have seen the light.


"-you're you and people should relate to YOU not to what your body looks like or your facial hair or your voice."

Yes, that's true. And that's very nice and all but not very realistic. It's not how the world works. We can get angry about that but it won't change. This is something that people will always do. Why? Because what you look like says something about your inside. When you wear red heels it says something different then when you wear black sneakers. I have always felt that your body should reflect how you feel. Especially when I had anorexia. I felt horrible, I felt sick, I felt weak, I felt helpless. Since I was unable to speak up for a long time and tell people what was wrong with me I was trying to get some sort of message across with my body by the way I treated it. There are many other aspects to anorexia and there were for me as well but right now this bit is relevant. Right now I feel very different and I look very different. I still want my body to reflect how I feel, who I am. Everyone does. Most people are not aware of it but it's what we do. Sometimes I see a piece of clothing in a store that wouldn't suit me at all but I find myself thinking: that's a really nice shirt, that's totally *insert friend's name*. That shirt would represent a certain person really well but it would not be 'me'. I hear people say that quite often when they go shopping for clothes: that's so you! We express our personality with the way we dress, do our hair, make up, tattoos, jewelery, etc. And not just how we decorate our bodies externally. There are limitations to shaping our bodies but we always try. Do we want to look thin, muscular, soft? We change our bodies through diet and exercise to make it look more like ourselves. The cosmetic surgery industry is huge after all. The way our bodies look, matters. It is part of our identity.

Lets go back to the shoes. If someone wears red high heels you tend to approach that person different then when someone wears practical sneakers. Why? Because you automatically link the shoes to a certain type of person. In most cases you are right to do so though not everyone agrees on what certain things mean. You can't take one item and deduct someone's entire personality from it. You have to take in account the entire context, add those things up and then make an estimation on how that person wants to be treated. There is one tricky part of the human anatomy that gets us confused though. Boobs. A lot of people assume boobs mean certain things. Welcome to the 21st century. They don't mean as much as they used to. The way the are presented does, but the mere presence does not implicate lesser value. This is the main reason why I hate having boobs. People see them and the start treating me differently, as if I'm less then I am. This shouldn't happen to anyone, no matter what their gender identity is or what their body looks like.


"You'll never be a complete girl because mentally that's not where you're at -"

I'm not striving to be a complete girl. I'm not striving to be a girl at all. I never was a girl in the first place. I was just born in a female body. That's all.


"-but physically you'll never be a complete guy."

Yes, thank you. I am very, very, very, very aware of that. Thank you for reminding me. But....
Does that really matter? In a way, to me personally, it does. But the only time that matters is in the bedroom. That's all. The rest of the time it's nobody's business. Seriously. I don't go asking people what they have in their pants either. It's none of my business so I don't see why other people should be concerned about what I have in my pants. Gender identity is mostly about the way people treat you and how comfortable you are with your body in every day life. What's between your legs is a lot less important. It would be nice if I would be able to get a fully functional penis but I won't die if I can't have one. I will die if people keep staring at my boobs and keep treating me like a girl.


"Which is worse for you? which is better for you? You have many decades ahead of you - make the choice that you're reasonably sure you'll be able to live with through all of those years."

I think I have answered that. I'm not reasonably sure though. I know what I need to do. I stand by my decision 100% and more. This is the best choice I have made in my entire life.


I do understand the concern. I really do. I'm not happy about being trans. If anything I would much rather just have been born a boy in a male body or a girl in this body. But that's not an option. These are the cards I got dealt and I'll have to make the best of it. This is the best option I have, no matter how hard it might be. Even though I do feel offended by these remarks, I'm also glad I received them via email so I have been able to read them a few times and really think about them. I know most people don't know anything about transsexuals. I didn't either when I discovered I was one. So having these things in writing makes me able to respond to them properly and for a wider audience. That's the whole point of this blog, to help people understand these things better. So no, I'm not mad about this email. I'm just a bit frustrated and very aware of how much work still needs to be done.

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New Year's resolutions.

I never make them. I don't see why the start of a year should be the time to change things. You can change anything you want at any time. That's what I try to do. When things go sideways I try to change them as soon as I see it happen. I make that sound so easy. It's not. The trick is to notice things going bad and because they usually happen slowly we hardly notice. We make plans and start with good intentions but most of it never happens because we slip back into old habits. They're habits because they are easy and all creatures like easy. But easy is usually what we are used to, not what is best for us. Else I would have told my mother to leave me alone a long time ago. I've tried to keep her happy, or less miserable, for a long time. It determined most of my actions and because of it I was unable to lead my own life. I didn't know what I wanted at all. I started working on that about 4 years ago. The first revolutionary thing I did was buy myself some gloves. It was winter and I would walk everywhere and my fingers would be freezing but I felt like I wasn't worth the 2 euro's for a pair of the simplest gloves. It was a huge gesture. A symbolic act. It was a start.


So here I am, 4 years later. I'm healthy, a lot happier and less depressed. I have a nice place of my own that really feels like a home. I have plenty of friends. I have lots of work to do though most of it is unpaid but they are things I love to do so that's okay. But still, I'm not sure what I want in life. What I really want. Where I want to be 10 years from now. Most people have some sort of idea of what their lives should look like by then. Where they will live, with who, what they will be doing work wise. I don't know. I really don't. But I have been thinking and have come up with some sort of idea of where I want to be in about 5 years. Nothing concrete though. It's more general and about how I want to feel. How I want to look at life. But there is no point in saying you want to change your life if you don't set up a plan and take action. So I have set up a list of things to do for 2013. I'll share it with you. Maybe you can get some inspiration from it.


* Cook a recipe from a cook book once a week to find new flavors and ideas.
* Read more about why food is or isn't healthy.
* Limit unhealthy foods to one day a month which a plan ahead.
* Start doing tai chi and Yin Yoga.
* Look for ways to fall asleep faster so I don't spend so much time in bed thinking.
* Meditate.
* Make a bucket list and try to do something from that list at least once a month.
* Get my Carpe Jugulum tattoo as a reminder to live my life for myself.
* Paint.
* Draw. Don't get upset if it doesn't look like much at first. Keep at it. It will get better.
* Be more open to my friends about how I feel.
* Hug more.
* Write, about anything and everything that I find worth writing about.
* Continue to teach and improving my teaching skills.
* Read.
* Don't think too much: act.


So there it is. My list of things to do for the time to come. And that time starts now, not in 3 weeks. If you want to change things in your life, and I do, the time to start acting accordingly is now. So I am going to get me a nice cup of tea and the book I borrowed from a friend last week and do a bit of reading before I head to the kitchen.

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Just a suggestion: squats.

As a group fitness instructor I see a lot of people doing the same thing at the same time. That way you really notice the little differences, little variations people create to make things easier or because they don't fully understand what they should be doing and which muscles they should be using. There are things that I see happen over and over again so I decided to hand you a little tip, a suggestion if you will. Just one at a time so next time you're in your workout you don't have to think of a million things at the same time and can't get a single one right because it's too much.


Today my suggestion is on squats. It's very simple: keep your knees behind your toes.

Why? Several reasons. The first one is that if you push your knees forwards when you are doing squats you put a lot of pressure on your knee joints. They don't like that. There are all kinds of things in that complex joint that can tear or get irritated and inflamed. If you often get sore knees after doing squats you are probably pushing your knees forwards and should keep an eye on them.

The other reason has to do with efficiency. If you move your knees forward you shift the weight off the heel of your foot to the front. When you push up in your squat you want to activate the back of your legs and mostly your butt. That's why we do squats after all, for strong legs and a nice firm butt. You want to be able to squeeze that butt and you can only do that if you push from your heels. If you have been squatting for a while and are not making any progress, this could be why.


How? I think I already mentioned that. Keep your weight on your heels. That's the most important thing. You can check if your weight is to the back my lifting your toes. Not much, just enough to see you can. That's all. What you also need to do is stick that butt back! You're at the gym. If you still look sexy after your workout, you haven't been working hard enough. So forget about looking silly with your butt sticking out. You will look a lot sillier using poor technique and even worse when you've been coming there for ages and still haven't booked any results. So push that butt back before you go down. Trust me.


I hope this helps. And yes, at first, if you make this change, it will get harder. But that's the whole point. If it's easy, you're not getting results and that's what we're here for after all. Else we could just stay and home and watch TV. Let me know how it goes.

If you have any questions on technique, you can always ask me. I don't know everything but always try to learn new things so if I don't have the answer I'll try to find it for you.

Have a good day!

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Fat loss vs muscle gain vs...

A lot of people want to know if it's possible to lose fat and gain muscle at the same time. The answer is yes, but also, it depends. If someone has much more fat that they should and are a non mover (as in sit on their butt all day as most of us do, let's be honest), then it is fairly easy to lose fat and gain muscle when you first start going to the gym and changing what you eat. I've seen it in plenty of people. They sign up at a gym, start moving and within 2 months they will have lost fat mass and gained muscle. But the closer you get to your ideal body composition the harder it gets to make changes. When you have too much fat your body will be glad to get rid of it. When you are weak your body will be glad to get stronger. But if you are already lean and fit, your body likes being there, so it is less likely to change much and you really need to push it to get results.


That's all fine and dandy but a lot of the people who want to know about fat loss versus muscle gain are already within healthy range. These are mostly men who want to look like some sort of Superman. Or at least like they could be on the cover of Health Magazine. Well, then there are two ways of doing it. Either you can bulk and shred, a well proven method in bodybuilding that has been tested for years and does work. It's not easy, demands a lot of discipline and facing the bulk period can be very hard for some people because it may look like you're just getting fat instead of getting strong. Then the cutting period where you focus on losing fat mass can be pretty intense as well. And then you have to manage to maintain. I don't even want to think about that.

The other way, which hardly anyone does, is taking it easy and building up really slow. The problem is that it takes years to get where you can get within months with the bulk/shred method. And if you have the HM image in your head as a goal, you don't want to get there in 5 years, you want to get there in 5 months, or 5 weeks. Hell, 5 days if you can. Yesterday would be even better. The question is why.


Why do we want to look like that? Why do we want a six-pack and arms bigger then our heads? Is it to prove we are real men? Being a man is how you feel, not what you look like. If you think you need to have a six-pack to be a real man you need to get your head checked. Is it the obesity pandemic? Do we feel the need to prove we are healthy by being supper shredded so our spouses don't need to worry we will get fat? Is it to pick up girls for a one night stand, for instant gratification? Or because it's the only way we can compete with others and our self esteem depends on pushing a few pounds more then the guy next to us in the gym? Is it because it makes us feel like we are in control? Or simply because the media tells us this is what a man should look like? Or could it be because we have lost contact with our bodies, just as much as the obese people have and we no longer know what our most natural, healthiest and therefor happiest state really is?


I always feel like the outside should reflect the inside, not the other way around. So instead of trying to push your body into an idea someone else dreamed up, maybe you should take a good look at who you really are and what suits you best. If you take good care of your body it will live up to its potential. Stay true to your own body type which should give an indication of what your body will be good at and will enjoy. Don't deny yourself a bit of fun. Besides, recent studies have shown that most women don't like guys who are too muscular. It's like those huge plastic surgery boobs. Bigger sounds better but when it comes down to it, we really don't know what to do with them, do we? Same goes for too much muscle. If it's not functional, and it gets pretty boring after a while.

 

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Relax will ya?

I came across this text on facebook a while ago and reposted it on my wall. I knew at that time it was something I should write a bit about because it is so bloody true. It's not easy to relax. Most people don't have a clue how to do it. Relaxing is the opposite of tension, not just the absence. It goes way beyond just the absence of tension. You have to move past that point. But most people don't even know how to let go of tension in the first place. They are wired 24/7 and don't even realize it.

Stress is common these days. Actually, it's normal. If you're not stressed you're doing something weird, or even wrong. How can you not be stressed when there are bills to be paid, jobs to uphold, expectations to be met. And these days everyone knows everything everyone does because we have become our own Big Brothers thanks to facebook and other social media. Yes, I have yielded to that one just like the rest of you, but I make sure it doesn't run my life. It's hard though, being in charge of your own life. We let the crowd lead us into temptation and pretend it's all okay because we don't know what else to do. But are we happy? Not as happy as we could be. We worry too much. We don't take time to relax. Even if we would be able to find the time (read make time) we still wouldn't know how.


Here's a question. Why should we? Everything is fine the way it is, right? We all know that's not true. We all know deep down that something, at some point, has got to give. We can't keep this up. When a rubber band is constantly stretched at some point it can't bounce back anymore. We are getting close to that point and when we do, the band will snap and lord knows what will happen to us. And it's not just about preventing damage. It's like with medication and nutrition. Medication is sick care, it takes care of the sickness and that's it. Proper nutrition makes a person healthy and is therefor health care. Relaxation does the same thing. It's goal is not just to take away the stress,  but also to create a different state of being where you are more balanced, resilient and feel more content. If you'd ask me I'd say happiness is being content so what more could you ask for?


So, how the hell do you relax? That's a good question, and a difficult one. To be honest it differs for a lot of people. Some people love the pling plong ocean breeze music you can get one meditation CD's. Others hate that stuff. You'll have to try a bunch of different things and see what happens, see what fits you best. I know people who love relaxing in the shower. They just stand there with their eyers closed and let the water run over their bodies and let all the tension wash off of them. I must say I find that quite comfortable as well but I shower at the gym most days so that's a bit unpractical then. You can also lie down like I have people do at the end of a BodyBalance class. A lot of yoga classes end that way. It's an official yoga pose, lying flat on your back, arms and legs slightly away from your body, letting everything become soft and relaxed, emptying your mind. But not all of us have that option. But if you can discipline yourself you can even train to relax while you are commuting to or from work on public transport. Sit, close your eyes and feel your body, feel your breath, and be aware. That's all there is to it really. Just be aware. Be in the moment and be yourself. Be you. I know, I make it sound so simple. I know it's not. It takes a lot of practice. I have been meditating, or relaxing, or being aware, in the moment, or what ever you want to call it, every morning for 10 minutes for over a week again after not having done that in ages. It's not easy at all. I used to be pretty good at it so I know I can do it again. But it takes time. I'm starting to get the hang of it again but I have spend a lot of time in the past focusing on this so I do remember a few tricks that I can apply that seem to work for me personally.
Like I said, it's different for everyone. Try a few things and let me know what works for you. I can always use a bit of inspiration and you might help others get some new ideas as well.

I'll be posting little bits of inspiration on my facebook page so keep an eye out if you'd like to get inspired.

A personal note.

Just like everyone else I am as human as you can get. This means I am not a fluffy ball of positive energy bouncing around making other people smile all the time. I wish I was but alas, nu such thing. I have been trying to call the gender team in Amsterdam all week. You can only call them between 9 and 12 and every time I call the line is busy or they have switched on the answering machine already. I want to know where I am with the waiting list. It's frustrating to be out and everything and have nothing happening. I'm afraid other people might think it was just some brain fart and I got over it and am now pretending I didn't say anything. I still very much want to start hormone treatment and get chest surgery. Just thinking about how long I probably still have to wait is driving me nuts. I find it hard to expect people to take this seriously while nothing is really changing. On the other hand, I am still convinced this shouldn't be a big deal as I will still be the same person as far as we don't continuously change anyway. All very confusing and frustrating. I'm not sure what I want to happen. I want the whole process of transitioning to be over so I can just be who I am and be done with it. This lingering is not doing me any good. Lately I have been feeling drained. It's like I have been put on hold and can't move on with things. I wish it was something in my head and I could do something to get things moving again but unfortunately it's true.


Autumn is not helping. It's getting darker again and this weekend the clock is moving an hour back so it will be dark longer in the morning. I don't mind the dark in the evening. The mornings is what I find hardest. If I have to get up and there is no sun I feel tired the rest of the day. I should take a look at a daylight lamp. I've heard it can really help. Other then that I have started a new morning ritual. I kept coming across this whole drinking lemon water in the morning and the theory sounds good. So I'm trying that. It sure does kick start your bowels so you get a clean start in the morning. I've been doing it for a week now and so far to be honest I just feel more tired. I'm guessing it's the spring cleaning effect. First things just seem to get worse as all the bad stuff that has been hiding under the bed and in drawers is all coming out and need to be taken care of. So I am giving it a bit longer, at least a month, to see what happens. I'm calling it my sour-Zen project as I am combining it with meditating in the morning. I hadn't done that in ages so I need to practice again. It's not like riding a bicycle it seems. Right now I'm just taking 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like long but when you have a million things rushing around in your head all asking for your attention it feels like for ever. I'm getting better at shutting up and just being though. Eventually I should have some proper balance in my head again. I'll post an update on facebook every now and then to let you all know how I'm doing on this.

If you have any more tips for me on how to survive the dark ages and the endless waiting list I'd much appreciate it.

Why drinking 'fat coke' really is like drinking fat.

Lately I have been posting a lot of links on sugar on my facebook page. In my previous blog I also mentioned sugared beverages are bad and promised to explain why. If you want the complete picture you can watch the The Skinny on Obesity clips on YouTube but if you want to go straight to the bitter truth you should watch Ep. 2: Sickeningly Sweet. That clip describes very well how what we call sugar is treated by the body.
We all know now that sugars are carbs, but most people don't know what a carb is. Some will get to a carbohydrate which is the complete word. That still doesn't mean anything to anyone. People might now it's energy. Very good. But not all carbs are just energy. Some are toxic. Like alcohol, hence the word intoxicated. Alcohol is metabolized (changed into something else or used as energy) by the brain and the liver. The liver is the place in the body that handles all toxins. There is another carb that the liver deals with: fructose. That's sugar, right? Sugar from fruit. How is that bad? Wasn't fruit supposed to be good for you? Yes, it is. Fruit contains a lot of vitamins and minerals and fiber along with glucose and fructose. Glucose is the good kind of sugar, the kind that your entire body can use for energy. That's the kind of sugar/carb you want. The fiber helps keep the fructose in your bowels where it can be eaten by the bacteria living in there. They are the good guys that help you get rid of the toxins. So only a small amount of the fructose is absorbed and your body can handle that just fine. That tiny bit is moved to your liver where it is broken down and part of it is burned and that tiny last bit that's left will be turned into fat. If you live a healthy life and don't sit around all day you will burn that bit of fat later on, no problem. But that's fruit. What about juice? Isn't that just fruit as well? Sure, but without the fiber. And without the fiber your body will absorb the whole lot of fructose. That's just the beginning.

Let's take a look at coke. 240 calories per serving according to the Coca Cola website, of which 65 grams of sugar. That's everything. There is nothing else in there. So how is this fat coke? Those 65 grams of sugar are half glucose, which is fine, and half fructose, which is bad if you absorb it because, like I said, some of it will get turned into fat. Unless there is fiber of course. Now lets take a look at what they say about that. "Not a significant source of fat calories, saturated fat, trans fat, cholesterol, fiber, vitamin A, vitamin C, calcium and iron." No fiber. None what so ever. So all the calories from fat coke go straight to your liver and get turned mostly into fat. And that is how fat coke really is like drinking fat.
But honestly, the same goes for any drink that has sugar (as the companies call it without discriminating between different types like glucose and fructose) that doesn't contain any fiber. The only drinks that are really good are water, tea and smoothies (if properly made with fresh fruit, preferably unpeeled). Coffee is a different issue and an ongoing debate I first need to reed up on more before I say anything about that so for now let's just ignore that one, just leave out the sugar from now on.

It gets even worse when it comes to soda. Look at the amount of salt: Sodium 75mg. You need to double that for the total amount of salt. 150 mg of salt in one serving. Salt makes you thirsty and you drink more. So you get another coke, and absorb more fructose and salt. Check out Ep. 3 on how fructose makes you hungry and you will see how sugared beverages are just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the sugar problem. It's the core of what we in Dutch call welvaatsziektes, freely translated to prosperity illnesses which I think covers the load quite well. If you want to lose weight and become healthy and fit, cut out the fructose (except when taken with fiber like in fresh fruits). That's the best thing you could ever do for your body.


The full lecture: Sugar: the bitter truth.  There is a lot more information about this out there but I have found this the most accessable for most people. If you want you can do a bit more research yourself or keep an eye on my facebook page as I will post a link to the articles I come across.

On exercise and losing weight.

A lot of people ask me how they can lose weight. Mostly they ask me what kind of exercise they can do to get rid of fat. They ask if sup ups or crunches are better for losing stomach fat. Well, sit ups are a no go these days in general because they are not very effective and they can be bad for your back and neck. Most important, they don't burn stomach fat. But neither do crunches, or planks, or cardio even! Okay, it does at some point but only if your body feels like it. You can not force your body to burn fat where you want it. You can only make it burn fat in general. Your body will decide which fat it can spare. So targeting area's where you want the fat to be gone is nothing but frustrating unless you get lucky and most of us don't. A friend of mine is burning her boobs and she's not happy about it but mine have been staying the same and I want to get rid of them. Life is unfair when it comes to stuff like that. So all you can do is be patient and wait for your body to be ready to start at the fat you want to burn. This means you need to burn the other fat your body wants to get rid of first. The order in which you burn fat doesn't change. I go from bottom to top: legs and ass first, now my stomach and eventually my boobs I hope. A lot of people do it the other way around too. Some have a different order all together. The only way to find out what your fat burning order is, is by burning it.

So what is a good way to start burning fat? Crunches, and planks, and cardio. But didn't I say that doesn't work? I said at some point. It takes time. Fat doesn't burn anything. It just sits there. Muscle does burn energy, even when you are asleep. Especially when you are asleep to be more precise because that is when it restores itself and that takes up energy. And of course when you are moving. When you have very little muscle you will only be able to use little muscle doing your daily things. When you have more muscle you will automatically use more muscle in every day use, like walking up the stairs. You use your entire legs and butt for that. Not just part of them. So more muscle is more energy use. And that is a very effective way to get rid o the extra calories.


What about cardio? There is a button on every crosstrainer/stationary bike/stair master/etc that says: fatburning, or something of the sorts. If you press that button and follow the program, you should be burning fat, right? Cause it said so. Sure. You will burn more calories from fat then from sugar during exercise. True. Now lets take a look at how this works. A Big Mac contains 570 Calories. If you weigh 170lbs, or 77Kg, you have to do 75 minutes of cardio to burn that. And that doesn't get rid of the fries. You would have to do twice that much exercise if you get a large fries with that which is also 570 Calories. So, you do your 2 and a half hours of cardio to burn your meal and then what? You feel hungry and you go and eat again. In the mean time your easy tread will only have boosted your internal energy burning system, your metabolism, a tiny bit. You get a bit of an afterburn, where you are burning more calories after working out then before, but not much. This disappears pretty quickly. So a few hours later the effect will be gone and the pizza you are having for dinner does straight to your stomach fat again. Not what you want.


So then what? Lately there have been studies on this quite a bit. One of the studies you should really take a look at if you have the time is The truth about exercise. It's a BBC documentary. They show that you can achieve a much greater boost for your metabolism by doing high intensity interval training, also known as HIIT these days. 30 seconds of explosive training followed by recovery and then repeated a few times. In total you might be spending 5 minutes or so on your training bike and that's about it. That's all you need to boost your internal burner to keep that flame high. You will start feeling fitter, more energetic and healthier in general.


Does that mean you can just go ahead and eat what ever you want? Hell no. Food is the most important factor in weight control. Period. That's just fact. So you need to take a look at that as well. One of the first things you should get rid of is sugared beverages. I'll explain why soon.


Want to stay up to date quicker and get some extra tips? Check out my facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/TylerFokker. I also have some links on there explaining a few things about the sugared drinks so if you're curious, go check it out.

Negative forces.

We all have them. People in our lives who just suck the energy right out of you. Somehow it seems unavoidable. Every now and then they just pop up again. The tricky thing is that at first you don't really notice. Or you think it can't be that bad and you'll deal with it. So that's what you do, you try to deal with it and ignore the signals. Slowly things get worse, day after day, week after week. It's a slow process and you hardly notice it happening. And one day you wake up and realize you are stressed out of your hatter and can't pin point why. It takes a while to figure out what this negative force in your life is. Because it happened so slowly you hardly notice. But if you take a good look around and ask yourself the right questions, you'll track them down. You will be able to recognize the person who is sucking the life right out of you. And then, you need to deal with it.


This is often a lot more difficult to do then most people think. If something hurts, then you should just stop doing it. But what if that person is your partner? Or your mother? Or your boss? Do you simply tell them to shove it and walk away? You will most likely have invested time, effort, money and emotionally into this person. They are part of your life. But even if they are not that important to you personally and it wouldn't effect your life in such ways as quiting your job or getting a divorce, it can still be hard. Does it make you a bad person to just dump someone? What will they say and how will they feel? Fact is, you are the most important person in your life. If you're not, then you have some serious soul searching to do. You have to do what is right for you. Usually, when someone if draining you and you tell them to go away, they will find someone else to drain. You don't need to worry about them so much. They can take care of their own needs without you just fine, just like they have been doing by leeching off you. They weren't being friends. They used you, whether they were aware of it or not.


But what about your hubby? Or your boss? What to do about them? First you better make sure they are really at fault before you do anything. Ask yourself the right questions, ask them the right questions and weigh their answers. Are they aware of what they are doing? Can you make them aware? And if you can and do, can they fix it? And will they? In situations like this it is important to give them a fair chance, to give the relationship a fair change, and your career of course. If the other person realizes that they are at fault and they tell you they are willing to help make things better it doesn't mean they can just give you false hope, or buy you dinner once and then go back to beating you. They have to make changes that last. If they don't, confront them again and see if things get better. If they still don't change the things you really need to change, it's time to move on.


I have having trouble with the manager at the gym where I was working. He was chaotic and inconsistent. He told people what ever they wanted to hear just to get them off his back and then break his promises. He is also a bad listener and would sometimes even just walk off while you were speaking to him. Personally I think he's on the verge of having a major meltdown. He walks around with this hollow face and blank stare. It's worrying. It's also extremely frustrating to work for someone who doesn't know what's going on in his own gym while things are falling apart and he doesn't fix anything. He goes for short term solutions, pissing people off in the long run. He just hired a new girl to replace one of the girls who had a front desk job but he told the girl she could do personal training and stuff because that's what she wants. But he hired her for the front desk. I warned her not to get her hopes up and I wonder how long it's going to take before she gets bored, angry, or both. I sure as hell was. I was bored and angry. Those two usually go hand in hand for me. If I'm stuck in a place where I'm bored and can't grow and learn new things. When I'm not challenged, I get angry and frustrated. So I had started looking for other opportunities to learn, other gyms where I would find the challenge that I need. I had planned on leaving things in a decent manner without shouting or hard feelings. No such luck. He managed to push my buttons by bitching at me and I threw in the towel. Well, my personal trainer shirt actually. Quite literally though. If felt good. It's a weight off my back and I can finally breath again. On the other hand, all the stress that had been building up is coming out now and I'm noticing how tired I really am. I'm going to take the time I had scheduled to work for myself to regain my energy. Lord knows I need it. This means I will have plenty time to catch up on some reading, doing a bit of painting and meditating. I feel better already.

A bit about fitness and gyms.

Right now I should be studying. They are launching the new releases this weekend at both the gyms where I teach Balance. I'm at track 4 right now, out of 9. I need a bit of a break every now and then though so it's okay to be writing this. Don't tell me it's not cause I'm doing it anyway. I know I only have tomorrow left before I have to teach Balance and I have a nutrition workshop tomorrow and have friends coming over for dinner but none the less, I'm pretty sure I'll know the whole release by Monday. Except the sun salutations maybe; they drive me nuts already. I don't think the students on Monday will mind much if I mess up or use an old track. They're not very picky and the manager doesn't seem like the type to complain unless the participants complain. No one there really seems to care much about quality in general. It's a budget gym after all. Still, I don't think that should matter.


It's the same problem at the gym where I work as a fitness instructor. All the other instructors spend most of their time drinking coffee, chatting with their friends, checking facebook and horsing around. I'm one of those strange people who actually talks to members to ask what they're doing and why and tell them if those two things don't match and if they want to reach their goals maybe they should tuck in their elbows or not overstretch their joints or actually use the muscle they are trying to target. People keep telling me that no one has ever given them any tips on how to work out. It's crazy! That's what the instructors are there for after all. I have to admit that I probably know as much as the rest of the instructors combined and they're all really young so they don't have much experience, but the only way to learn anything is to ask questions and then go looking for the answer. Alas, they don't seem to care. And at this wage, I'm not surprised. It's more profitable to stay on the unemployment line. But still. This is not the kind of work you do to get rich easy. It's the kind of work you do because you have a passion for helping people to become healthy and live happier lives.

I know, I sound very idealistic. I'm afraid I am. That's the reason why I became an instructor. Because I have a passion. Because I want to make this world a better place because right now the world is ugly and I want to try to change it into a place I actually want to live in, one defective person at a time. But I can't do it alone. It would be nice if there were more instructors who share my passion. I know quite a few but they usually don't work at a low budget gym which is a shame because the people who can't afford proper guidance usually need it the most. They usually don't see what they are doing wrong and if no one tells them, they will never find out. This goes for everyone though. I'm only one person and I can't help everyone. The person who can help everyone is themselves. Sounds a bit odd but you know what I mean. If you're not sure if what you are doing is correct, or if you notice you're not making any progress even though you try very hard, or also if you are really sure you are doing everything right but never actually checked what anyone else thought about it, it might be a good idea to check with an instructor some time. See if you can find someone who looks like (s)he knows what's what and ask a few things. Tell them your goals and what you're doing to try to achieve them and see if they have any tips. Show them how you do an exercise and ask if your form is okay or if you could improve it a bit here and there to get more result. I know it should be the instructors who come to you if you're doing something wrong but it's time to face the facts. There are quite a few lazy ones out there and even the ones who are passionate and good at their jobs simply can't keep an eye on everyone all the time. So stand up for yourself and claim what's yours: the right to live in a healthy, fit body. Trust me, it will make life easier.


Just one more tip: try yoga. Seriously. Everyone! should try (read DO) yoga. You will benefit from it in ways you have never imagined. You can find good video's on-line if you can not afford a class.

A bit about food.

I've been having a lot of nerve pain again lately. There is no telling why. It comes and goes. I have permanent nerve damage from my good old anorexia days. My body stripped the fatty acid casings off my nerves in my arms and legs, hands and feet, to preserve my brain. It seems so have worked because I am still alive and function just fine. But the price is nerve pain. Misfires you can call them. The nerve gets triggered for no reason, resulting in pain. It's not comfortable but I have a high pain threshold and you get used to it. It's not fun though, I can tell you that. I used to hope that with a healthy life style it would go away. Alas, eventhough it is a lot better, it will never fully go away.  Some things you can not restore. Obesity has long term effects that can not be reversed as well even if you lose all the extra weight. People hardly think about these things. There are so many things we do now that seem fine at the moment but have devastating effects in the long run. Because we don't see anything happening right now we think we can get away with it. Statements like: my grandparents ate like this all the time and they lived well into their eighties, simply don't apply. We need to develop a new view on the way we treat ourselves.

A Dutch study: http://musclemotion.nl/PDF/052-055%20Voedingswaarde.pdf
And an American one: http://www.utexas.edu/news/2004/12/01/nr_chemistry/

Here in Holland we still promote eating 2 pieces of fruit and 2 ounces of vegetables as day. These recommendations were set back in 1986. The amount of vitamin C in apples has declines by 80% since then. An apple a day does not keep the doctor away anymore.

 

My sister lives in Sydney. She told me the other day that she doesn't buy tomatoes because she can not afford them. She and her boyfriend both have above average incomes. Tomatoes are about 14 dollars per kilo. That's 11 euro's. Can you imagine? But she's not the only one who can not afford to eat healthy. I come across people at the gym on a regular basis who tell me they don't buy fruit because it's too expensive. In a time like this with the economy going down the drain world wide a lot of people are confronted with the choice between quantity and quality when it comes to food. Most people choose quantity. It's nice to get your vitamins but if you don't get in enough energy you're going to starve anyway.

To sum things up: most people can not afford healthy food and choose quantity over quality which can lead to long term, possible permanent damage.

I'm facing the same challenge. I don't have much to spend but am set on eating as healthy as I can. So I save money on a lot of other things. I hardly ever buy clothes, I don't go out but have people come over for a cuppa, I turn off the lights when I'm not in a room, I shower at the gym most of the time, etc. That saves me money to spend on food. I buy most of my fruit and veggies on the market instead of in the supermarket. Yes, even when it rains. It's a lot cheaper, at least, it is here in Holland. And I use my balcony to grow vegetables, strawberries and herbs. This year the harvest was a bit disappointing and it's starting to get colder so it's time to bring some of the pots inside. I am going to plant some new seeds and use the windowsill as a bit of a greenhouse. These are little things one can do but they add up.

I hope this helps people a bit to become more aware and get in good health. You only have one body. Treat it well and it will carry you.

It's a sign!

One of the problems people have today is that they are no longer in contact with their own bodies. They don't understand the signals their bodies are giving them. In the long run this can lead to obesity, burn outs, heart attacks and lord knows what. Nothing pretty I assure you. The body doesn't really discriminate between types of stress. Most people can't feel the difference between hunger and thirst. Deadlines can set off the same type of triggers in the brain as an angry bear. So between us not listening to our bodies and our bodies not always being too clear on what the hell is going on, it is understandable we are pretty clueless as to how we should treat our bodies.

What we need to do is learn to listen and then to learn to respond appropriately. Easier said then done. What I have found helpful is to stop and think. When ever you are craving something it's a sign. When you feel like having steak it usually means your body wants protein. When you are craving crisps it could be something else though. It could be the salt, the carbs or the fat or that little additive they are said to put in there to make it addictive, or it could just be habit. Which one is it? Stop. And think. Which one? It could even be you're not craving food at all but comfort and you would be much better off with a genuine hug. As the orphanages during and right after the second world war discovered, you can give a baby shelter and food and clean nappies, but if you don't pick it up and give it a hug, it will die anyway. People need love as much as they need oxygen. So if you want a healthy lifestyle replacing crisps with hugs is one of the best things you can do.

People tend to eat what they think they crave but often they misinterpret the signals. Probably the most common signal read as need for sugary and/or fatty foods is stress. Everybody does it. I do to. You really don't want to know how much chocolate I have been eating lately. It's horrible. And now my teeth ache. Not because of the chocolate but because I have been grinding them at night while I sleep. Gee, stressed much? Just a little. Eating chocolate is not a bad thing. You can have a cube every day if you want. Just not a whole bar every day. I measured my fat% again last weekend and it went up quite a bit. I guess that's what I needed to pull myself together and get a grip on things. To say Stop! and think. What am I so stressed about? A lot of things actually and that makes it harder to deal with. There isn't just one solution. It's going to take quite a bit to get things organized the way I want them. It would be nice if things were a bit more clear at work but it looks like I'll just have to accept a temporary solution. So be it. On a brighter note I have been accepted as the new coordinator at the trans initiative here in town. This means more work but at least I will have the feeling I'm making a difference. I guess that is a way of getting a hug, knowing that what you do matters to someone. That would be much better then chocolate indeed.