Oh my... hair!

When you start testosterone treatment several things tend to happen. I already told you about how my body composition and my voice changed. One of the things most people ask me when they haven't seen me for a while is: do you have a beard yet? This is actually a question I don't mind so much as I would really like to have a nice big beard. There is one thing that people usually don't realize though. When you start using testosterone you get more hair, period. Like, everywhere! And this was something I wasn't looking forward to at all. I didn't want to get hairy all over. Luckily this is something that happens gradually. You don't go to bed smooth and wake up a bear the next morning. It's not like Kafka's beetle. This means you have time to get used to it. Opinions among transmen vary. Some really dislike the extra hair but it seems like a lot of them are quite eager for it. I'm guessing this has to do with personal taste for some part, but probably also with passability. My spelling checker doesn't think that's a word. I wish it was right.

Now what's weird about this? If you google Men's health cover you might notice something. They are all as smooth as a baby's bottom. And Men's Health is the standard of how a guy should look, right? Then why do all these transguys want to be hairy?


It does seem that body hair on a man is coming back. Maybe it started with the movember movement. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the bear scene that is becoming more prominent. They had their own Bear Pride in Amsterdam this year for the first time which I think is awesome.


And then I head about the Don't Risk Dudeness ads by Feet.

The campaign was taken down rather quickly because it was deemed sexist. And right they were. But it did give me some idea of why a lot of transguys are comparing how much hair they have. Whether you like body hair or not, one thing is certain: it's not feminine. And therefor it must be masculine. And masculine is good.

It took me a while to realize I see it the same way. I used to shave absolutely everything. I like the smooth feeling of it, true. But mostly it was because I was afraid people would label me as masculine. I was afraid of getting caught. When you're in an unclear state during your transition you cling onto every little thing you can to make clear to the world what you are. So you grow hair anywhere you can, to ensure dudeness.

Right now I only shave my face. Not very often though. It will be a while before I will be able to grow a proper beard. Things are happening though. I'm not sure how hairy the rest of my body will become. It's hairier then before, that's for sure. But I'm not a bear. Not yet anyway. There is no way to tell if I ever will be until I am. Because I used to be so afraid of body hair it took me a while to be okay with it. I am now. I don't really care either way. If it grows, it grows. If it doesn't. it doesn't. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. I could shave again but I totally understand now why part time drag queens often don't shave. Male hair is much thicker and nastier and there is more of it. And really, I can't be bothered. I'm fine the way I am. It's my body and I am getting more and more comfortable in it now it can finally do what it really wants to do. And if it wants to be fuzzy, then let it be fuzzy. If it doesn't, then that's fine too.

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Man up! Movember versus Decembeaver.

I always have a bunch of tabs open in my browser. I keep some tabs because they are articles I still want to read or a video I want to watch, or because I want to write something on that topic, like the next two video links:

I have had them open for almost 2 weeks now and I have been thinking about what it was really that bothered me so much about decembeaver. Even if it is a joke to raise awareness for Movember I know there will be a lot of people who will take it seriously. I mean, there are people who thought they had really found mermaids.

And then I found this link:

And that's when it hit me. I realized what this was about: male emancipation. There is such a thing? Well, there should be. We're working on it, but it's a very slow process. The reason being that most people think we don't need it. People think that men have always been the dominant, and therefor privileged, gender. We are supposed to be the stronger sex. But are we? Do we not bleed if you cut us? Why yes, we actually do. We do have feeling and we do get hurt but we are not allowed to express that. Showing sign of weakness means you are not a real man. The pressure is huge and depression among men is much more common then people think. Men are not likely to get help because this means admitting you are weak. Even admitting this to yourself is a huge challenge for most.

The ironic thing about humans is that they invented the word inhumane. It applies to humans only. Animals are not inhumane. They are simply animals. But humans are capable of cruelty beyond compare. In the meantime there is a quality that is widely spread in the animal kingdom. It's called compassion. It's quite an amazing thing. What you do is you protect and support an individual that is weaker then you are. I'm pretty sure people are capable of it too. They call it acting humane then. It's pretty much the opposite of bullying. Pretty cool huh? But what do men get when they show weakness? They are told to Man Up! And with that they are denied compassion, something I believe to be a primal need for a social species like ours.

The reason why I like the Movember movement so much is that it shows men that it is okay to talk about their health in a way that wasn't possible before. Admitting there are serious health risks in men's lives is admitting that men are not untouchable. That they do have weakness and they do need to be cared for, by themselves and by others. This is a huge step. Even the way Movember came into existence is a clear example of how difficult it is for men to talk about these kind of things. Prostate cancer kills about just as many men as breast cancer kills women and not a single man has had (excuse the pun) the balls to stand up and battle this publicly, raising awareness and creating support. Because men's illness is something you don't talk about. But now we finally do. About bloody time.

And then what happens? Ladies, don't get me wrong. I'm totally okay with you not shaving what ever part of your body you want to. I really don't care. But this counter move pisses me off. Men finally have something that helps them talk about serious life and death issues and it is trivialized by making it about growing hair in a place you don't like. The mustache is becoming a symbol for men's health. We are finally able to talk about these things and you are making us feel stupid by saying: oh we can grow hair too if we want. Let us have this! We need this. And you can say men already run the world and we owe you but this is serious. We are talking about human lives here that are at risk. Show some respect, please. If you want to grow hair somewhere, by all means, go ahead. It's your body and you can do with it what ever you want. Just let us have Movember.

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Boxer shorts and kilts. Male emancipation.

Working as a volunteer for COC Leiden on the educational program I find myself confronted with a classroom full of 15 year old children. In most cases these kids have no idea what my life looks like and the struggle transgenders have been going through for so long. Some of them honestly don't understand why it should be such a problem. Others find it all very odd and don't see how it relates to their world. But being transgender can happen to anyone. People are trying to show that transsexuals are more intelligent then the averaged person. I seriously doubt that's true. It could be that people with a lower IQ simply don't understand what the problem is or don't have the means to express themselves or the means to actually do something about their situation and therefor decide to stay the way they are because they don't seem to have a choice. Genderdysphoria hits all parts of society equally.


But that doesn't make it any stranger to those kids. Why would a guy want to wear a skirt? One day, standing in front of a class, I was tempted to say: I wear boxer shorts too, nobody thinks that's weird. I realized how odd it was to say that, being a female to male transgender. And then it hit me. Even if I was a real girl, it would still be okay for me to wear boy's undies. But the other way around, it wasn't okay. I told them this was silly. That boys should be allowed to wear girl's clothes if girls were allowed to wear boy's clothes like trousers and boxer shorts. Yes, trousers. It wasn't too long ago that a girl would get beaten by her own mother for wearing trousers. And now we think it's completely normal. But boys still can't wear skirts. Marilyn Manson once said that Robert Smith (the Cure) made it okay for boys to wear lipstick. I wish that was really true. Fact is, if a regular boy, not someone famous or who works in entertainment, wears lipstick out on the street, and not on a stage, he will most likely get beaten up. The only time a boy can wear a skirt outside is when it is a kilt, which is Scottish battle clothing. But even then, it is worn as a statement, and people look and point.

Going from girl to boy, from Venus to Mars, I have noticed there are things I suddenly can't do anymore. Like wearing a skirt or make up if I want to. Those things are just not done. Suddenly the things I say that were labeled as strong and independent being said by a woman, were found rude and offensive when said as a man. I find myself needing to sensor myself, not because of what I say or even how I say it, because I would have said it the same way as a woman, but because I am male. Women are expected to stand up for themselves, to fight for their rights. Men are expected to already have rights and should not claim them because by claiming their rights they are automatically suppressing women. Really? It would seem so. I find it all very strange. It seems to me like men are even more stuck in their gender role then women are. Remember people asked me why I couldn't just be a masculine woman or a tomboy because that would be easier? It would be easier. A lot! Mostly because you don't lose the rights you have as a woman. I had no idea how limited men are in their personal expression until I started living as one. Being a masculine woman means getting more freedom and being able to make your own choices. Being a feminine man means losing your rights as a man and not gaining the rights of women. Women have been fighting to gain the rights of men and have succeeded on many levels, though the fight is still far from over. I wish them all the best, I really do. It made my life a lot easier while I was still trying to live as a woman. But men have hardly started the battle to gain the rights of women. Every now and then a man stands up and raises his fist, but it doesn't seem to stick.


Maybe men are afraid that when they try to gain women's rights they will lose their own rights and will be left with nothing. As a transman it's even more difficult because you feel you have to prove your manhood. You have to compensate for not having a penis. And if you do decide to wear a bit of make up every now and then suddenly you are not trans enough and not a 'real' transsexual. Again, something that seems very silly to me and a lot of people agree it is silly indeed. But I don't see a lot of people standing up for this. A lot of transsexuals are afraid that people will think they are actually transvestites when they hold on to some habits that are linked to their old gender. This does happen and does not help at all. Maybe we should all pay less attention to what we all 'should do' and pay more attention to ourselves, who we really are and how we want to express ourselves, no matter what the rest of the world thinks. Though maybe not while we are walking the dog late in the evening... I know there is a fair chance of getting beaten up over this, but I'd rather stand up for what I believe in and get a few bruises then continue to live in shame. Who's with me?




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