What's life about?

Last night when I went to bed I had a moment of clarity one might say. One of those moments when everything is put into perspective and suddenly seems rather strange. I was lying down in my bed, a construction made of wood, and covered myself with sheets of fabric in a concrete box stacked upon other boxes that we call apartments. All these human made structures, these items, objects, concepts, we made for our convenience. It's supposed to make our lives easier. But when you look at them objectively they seem rather strange. We go through so much effort to obtain these object but what do they really mean to us? Why do we desire them? Are they really important or are they just a way to support our basic needs so we can pursue other goals? We claim the later but act more like it's the first. We let objects control our lives while they actually are just silly things, inventions of our own minds with no true meaning when it comes to happiness. We used to survive in the wilderness with none of these items and were perfectly happy. So instead of making our lives easier and more fulfilling they have made our lives emptier and more burdened.


Right now I am trying to make up an inventory of my life and my needs. What do I want? What is important in my life? One thing I know for sure is that right now I am not happy. This means something has to change. I need to prioritize.

Work at the gym is far from ideal, things are not what I want eventually but those things take time and until New Year's I am set so I should shelf my worries about my fitness career for now. There is nothing I can do right now, as in today, or even the next week, to speed things along. I need to be patient.

I have been able to find a bit of time to paint again lately so that feels good but it's not much. I would like to sell my paintings, even if it's just for a small amount of money. I don't like them sitting here, gathering dust and not having anyone enjoying them. That's the most important thing. I want people to enjoy them and as long as that doesn't happen they have very little value. So if anyone is interested, just make me an offer. As long as it's reasonable I'll probably accept it (check my Facebook page). Right now, having them stack up here, it's just frustrating. It feels pointless.

What happens with gallery Noodweer is up to my companion. I can't say anything about that right now. Exhale and wait.

I went to the information evening at the VUmc about the transition process there. I didn't get a lot of new information. Hardly any. Just one confirmation of a rumor and that's pretty much it. Today I talked to my predecessor about the coordination of the Trans*-initiative here in Leiden. She explained a lot about what's what and everything. It became clear to me that everything really is just small scale and there isn't that much we can do. I keep forgetting how small our group seems to be. I still find that hard to believe. I heard numbers of close to a million people in The Netherlands having some form of transgenderism. Of course this is a huge sliding scale going from simply not fitting the standard narrative of your gender to full transsexuality. But somehow there seems to be no space for the gray scale. Somehow we are expected to focus fully on the transsexuals. I guess people need to understand the extreme before they can understand what's between the extremes but still, it makes me feel like we are missing something important.

My own transition is not moving along at all. I'm still on the waiting list. Other then that everyone knows now and mostly everyone is okay with it. That's great. Now I still need to work on accepting it myself. I can accept being masculine. What's a lot harder is accepting that something as bizarre as this has happened to me, before I was born even, and has been with me my whole life. I never wanted to be a transsexual. I just want to be me. And now suddenly I have a cause to fight for. I'm a member of a very special club that you can only be a part of if you were born with some sort of brain defect. People tell me I'm brave and they are proud of me. As if what I'm doing, trying to be myself, is a major accomplishment and as if they should have some sort of opinion on it or should validate these things. I never asked for any of this. I totally understand why a lot of transmen blend in and try to pretend they are just like all the other guys. Why they run from it. It's exhausting. And I just got started. It takes over your entire life. I wonder if it will ever end. If one day being trans will be so accepted and understood that it doesn't turn your entire life into a constant struggle. Somehow I doubt it.

There are so many things I want to do in my life, so many thing I want to learn. Right now I am stuck with reading up on gender issues and sorting out my insurance and trying to get the hospital to see me before next summer. Right now I'm going to have to pay over 500 euro's just to have a few talks with some psychiatrists so they can send me to an endocrinologist so he can prescribe me my testosterone shots that don't get covered. At least, the ones you only have to take once every 3 months don't get covered. The ones you have to take every 2-3 weeks do get covered but they usually don't prescribe those. I won't even mention surgery.  I would rather save up that money to visit my sister who now lives in Sydney. It would be nice to see her more then once or maybe twice a year. But no. I have to spend all the extra money I make on medical bills.Bills I never intended to have. And compared to some other countries I am lucky. In some countries I would get lynched. At least that's one blessing I can count.

It's the waiting that's killing.

Patience is a virtue. It's also something most people lack. That includes me. In some cases I can be patient. If I know why I should be. Like when I am at the gym and I have to wait between set for my ADP to switch back to ATP so I can get a proper training to build some massive masculine muscle. It feels a bit silly, sitting there, waiting, looking like you're doing nothing. But I know why and I know that if I don't I will miss out on some good results and in the long run I will profit from sitting there and being patient.

The waiting list for the genderteam in Amsterdam is 12 to 18 months, read 18 months. Why? because they are understaffed. That's the only reason. They are understaffed because they don't have a sufficient budget. They don't have a sufficient budget because... I don't know. I guess we are such a small group the people dividing the budget figured they can just set us aside cause there wouldn't be that many people complaining about it compared to other budget cuts. And that's the reason why I'm fiddling my thumbs. Lovely. I know money is a complicated matter these days but it does mean there are loads of people sitting and waiting till they can start their lives properly. After years of struggling and doubt you finally come forward just to be told you have to wait to get any kind of help with this for a year and a half. It's just cruel. Sure you can be yourself, just not yet because the government thinks your happiness is not important enough to invest those few euro's. *shudder* And once you've passed that waiting list you have to go through the screening process which can take about 6 months or more if you're unlucky for the exact same reason: lack of funding.

And then? Can you finally get started? Sort of. You can get hormone treatment but you also enter the real life phase. To quote the VU website: Deze fase duurt voor mannen achttien maanden en voor vrouwen twaalf maanden, en houdt in dat men gedurende die periode leeft in de gewenste rol, zonder dat daar een operatie aan [te] pas is gekomen. (http://www.vumc.nl/afdelingen/zorgcentrum-voor-gender/faq/gabvragen/322592) Roughly translated: This phase lasts eighteen months for men and for women twelve months, and implies that during that period you will be living in the desired role, without any surgery. 18 months for men and 12 for women. Okay, so which one do I get? The 12 or 18? Cause I'm a woman by birth. But I am going to be a man... So which one is it? And why is there a difference? Why would one group have to wait longer then the other? Does it take longer for the hormones to take effect? Does that matter? You can have the surgeries without the hormones so that shouldn't be the reason. I honestly don't understand. Do they want to give one group more time to get adjusted? To let their surroundings get used to it? Is that necessary? I mean, you already had to wait a year and a half before you could start hormones. Do they really think we've just been sitting on our asses the whole time and not tell anyone and not make any changes in our appearances? Personally I don't see how I will be doing things much different on hormones from what I do now. I think the biggest change will come after my top surgery. But that won't be covered by my insurance until after the real life phase. I could do it if I pay for it myself though. And I am seriously considering it. I don't want to have to wait that long and I don't want to have to walk around in chest binders all the time (or some of the time anyway) increasing the risk of breast cancer and being uncomfortable because someone at the top decided it's financially more comfortable for them. But I'm sidetracking. I still can't think of any reason why there would be a difference in length for the real life phase for the 2 groups other then simple discrimination. Honestly, I really don't. Could someone explain this to me? I find it amazing that in a place, where people like us are finally supposed to be excepted for who we are completely, we still have to face discrimination.

It's a sign!

One of the problems people have today is that they are no longer in contact with their own bodies. They don't understand the signals their bodies are giving them. In the long run this can lead to obesity, burn outs, heart attacks and lord knows what. Nothing pretty I assure you. The body doesn't really discriminate between types of stress. Most people can't feel the difference between hunger and thirst. Deadlines can set off the same type of triggers in the brain as an angry bear. So between us not listening to our bodies and our bodies not always being too clear on what the hell is going on, it is understandable we are pretty clueless as to how we should treat our bodies.

What we need to do is learn to listen and then to learn to respond appropriately. Easier said then done. What I have found helpful is to stop and think. When ever you are craving something it's a sign. When you feel like having steak it usually means your body wants protein. When you are craving crisps it could be something else though. It could be the salt, the carbs or the fat or that little additive they are said to put in there to make it addictive, or it could just be habit. Which one is it? Stop. And think. Which one? It could even be you're not craving food at all but comfort and you would be much better off with a genuine hug. As the orphanages during and right after the second world war discovered, you can give a baby shelter and food and clean nappies, but if you don't pick it up and give it a hug, it will die anyway. People need love as much as they need oxygen. So if you want a healthy lifestyle replacing crisps with hugs is one of the best things you can do.

People tend to eat what they think they crave but often they misinterpret the signals. Probably the most common signal read as need for sugary and/or fatty foods is stress. Everybody does it. I do to. You really don't want to know how much chocolate I have been eating lately. It's horrible. And now my teeth ache. Not because of the chocolate but because I have been grinding them at night while I sleep. Gee, stressed much? Just a little. Eating chocolate is not a bad thing. You can have a cube every day if you want. Just not a whole bar every day. I measured my fat% again last weekend and it went up quite a bit. I guess that's what I needed to pull myself together and get a grip on things. To say Stop! and think. What am I so stressed about? A lot of things actually and that makes it harder to deal with. There isn't just one solution. It's going to take quite a bit to get things organized the way I want them. It would be nice if things were a bit more clear at work but it looks like I'll just have to accept a temporary solution. So be it. On a brighter note I have been accepted as the new coordinator at the trans initiative here in town. This means more work but at least I will have the feeling I'm making a difference. I guess that is a way of getting a hug, knowing that what you do matters to someone. That would be much better then chocolate indeed.

A bit about boobs.

Someone asked me about binders the other day. How do they work, why would I wear them or not, etc. Binders are a tricky thing but lets start with the why.

Why does an FtM wear a binder? Well, obviously to hide his boobs. Why? Because they are feminine. So? He does not want to be feminized. And yes, that really does matter. I might be stating the obvious here but as soon as people spot boobs they will treat you as a woman with the according expectation patterns and all. It is easier to pass as a man when you were born female but there are always traces and when people are not sure, they check your chest. And if there is a hint of bosom there they will assume you're a dyke. You might say that's not true but lets be honest. Even I do it. Horrible, I know, but it's just the way we are wired. This is the main reason why I dislike my boobs. People see them, even when they don't stare at them, and treat me different from how I want to be treated. This is highly frustrating and a good reason to hide them. Don't get me wrong, I love boobs. Just like high heels. They are great assets on a woman. I'm just not a woman.

Now, how does a binder work? Really simple. It's just a really tight top. They come in all kinds of shapes and sizes and colors even. They just squish your boobs. Like an extra heavy sports bra. That's all.

So what's the problem? Why don't I just wear one all the time?
For one, here in the Netherlands they don't come cheap and I simply can't afford to have a whole bunch. And no, health insurance can not be bothered with stuff like that.

Second, they are not that comfortable. They are really tight, which is the whole point of course, but that makes you less mobile. They tend to cut under your arms so I never wear then too many days in a row so the skin doesn't get too irritated. They're really warm and in summer most days I just can't be bothered cause I'll be sweating like crazy in them. Not sexy.

And third, they put a lot of pressure on your breast tissue. Well of course. So? As far as I can tell there haven't been any proper studies on FtM's and breast cancer but there have been studies on what happens to tissue under pressure. They indicate that cancer tissue under pressure spreads more quickly. I've been trying to find the link but so far I haven't been able to find it again. From what I have hear from other transmen who have had chest surgery it is not uncommon for some of the breast tissue to have become cancerous. This could be partially triggered by wearing binders but also by hormone treatment. Of course, there are no statistics on this but it seems transmen are at a higher risk for breast cancer then regular women if they haven't had chest surgery. This would suggest it would be wise to do the chest surgery as soon as possible. How ever, in the Netherlands there is a real life phase people have to go through before they can have surgery. This means living like their 'chosen' gender instead of their biological gender for a period of time. For women this is 12 months, for men 18 months. That's what the website says. I'm not sure if they mean biological men and women or trans men and women. But it would mean that I would have to be on hormones and living as a man, including binder, for at least 12 months before I can have surgery, increasing the risk of breast cancer. Lovely. I'm not happy about that but that is the way it is right now.

Doing my part.

The other day I was on my way to work and a feeling of sadness came over me. At first I wasn't sure why but I felt really lonely. And I realized that, in a way, I am lonely.

A friend of mine told me the other day her boyfriend wanted to be a Hell's Angel because it would force respect. But it also makes you an outsider, it makes people look at you in a certain light. They judge you without knowing anything about you. He had said he didn't care. If he wouldn't get a job because of it, or would be refused entrance somewhere, it would be worth it for him. It made me angry. Because I am an outsider and people judge me without knowing me and I don't have a choice. He does. It's easy to be okay with stuff like that if you have a choice.


People have been telling me they think I'm brave for doing this. For being a transgender. It seems absurd. How can being who you are be a brave thing to do? It shouldn't have to be. But it is. At first, with all the positive reaction from my friends I had the illusion it might not be as hard as I had expected. But the blow was still to come. And it comes now, soft and slowly, but still possibly deadly. That feeling of loneliness, of isolation, has not disappeared. It's still there. I ignore it most of the time because it keeps me from doing the things I should do, but it's still there. I know it might never go away because it contains a truth. People don't understand. They don't know. I'm not sure if I could ever explain this to them. Part of me doesn't want to have to. I shouldn't have to. You don't need to explain being born black, or tall, or smart or stupid. It's just  the way you are. People accept that. Mostly anyway. That is, they accept the fact that you are that way. They might not accept the fact that it doesn't mean you are less then they are. But still, they accept the fact that you can't help being like that. You were born that way. But being trans is something you are born with as well. It's a result of the amount of testosterone you got when you were 6-8 weeks in your mother's womb. A brain development. End of story. But somehow people are not willing to accept that. People act like I have a choice. I do, in a way. I can chose to deny who I really am and be miserable for the rest of my life. That's the only other thing I can do. Not much of a choice is it? So why should I have to be brave? Why do I have to be judged for being different? It's not a choice. I never wanted to be a transgender. I denied it for 33 years and it just wouldn't go away. I can't help it. And now I'm being brave for admitting it? You might state I'm being brave for exposing myself to ignorant people who will treat me poorly or even badly because of it. But pretending I'm something I'm not and not cracking up while people treat me according to my mask is even harder. The suicide rate among transgenders is shockingly, but not surprisingly, high. Living the lie seems to be the hardest thing there is. Much harder then being discriminated, ridiculed and sometimes even prosecuted.



So what to do? What can I do? How much of a difference can one man make? Sometimes I think very little. But JFK said: “One person can make a difference and every person should try.” If you don't try, you don't know if you are that person that will make a difference. So I guess I should try.
Today I came across this link: http://www.cocleiden.nl/nieuws/gezocht-cooerdinator-van-het-trans-initiatief

I sent an email to apply for the job. It's a volunteer job and it's not like I'm not busy and my life isn't hectic enough as it is but I feel like this is just what I need right now. I hope I'll get it. Wish me luck.

The Truth

A friend pointed out this project Janet Jackson is doing. Here is the facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/brainchildtruth
It's going to be a docu movie about transgenders worldwide. However, it does seem to focus on transwomen initially. I would love to join the movement so to speak so I sent an email asking if I could be a part of this project. I only just sent it a few minutes ago so I will have to wait and see what they say.

It does make me wonder. Most people, when they think of transgenders they think of male to female people. They stand out. You often keep noticing there's something different about them unless they have extensive surgery. Female to male transgenders often blend in much more. They don't stand out in a crowd. You don't notice and they don't mind. They want to be seen as men and not as transgenders, so they tend to keep silent. As a result they disappear. Male to female transgenders are more common anyway then female to males so it's already a smaller group. I am part of the minority of the minority. I do have peers. I know I do. I know they are out there and I have found some of them. There is a FtM fitnessgroup on facebook that has over 500 members! 500? Is that a lot? For a facebook group, worldwide? More are joining every day though. So I know there are others and I'm not alone.

In the meantime, in the big bad world that I live in, most of the time when I tell people I'm transgender they tell me they never met anyone like me. Or if they do it's an MtF. Knowing I'm not alone doesn't mean that I'm not alone in everyday life. I am. I think most of us are. I told people at work they can ask me about the whole transgender thing but they don't. Every now and then people will make a remark trans related in a playfull way but that's pretty much is. They don't know what to ask and as long as they are not directly confronted with that fact that this is really happening they won't ask. They won't have to think about it. Not until I start my hormone therapy and things become more obvious. (I really can't wait till I can grow a huge ginger beard!) I know I can't force people but I do wish people would show more of an interest because I know they don't know anything about it and they are forming their own opinions about it in their heads without the proper information. When I start my hormones and get surgery it will still come as a surprise to them. They will not be prepared and they won't know how to react. This is why I feel there should be more information available about this. Not just if you go looking for it but really out there. So people will know. Just like people have information about lots of other topics they don't encounter every day but comes in handy when you do bump into it and need to know so you can deal with the situation without looking like a fool and risking anyone getting hurt. People are afraid of new things but they often find that once they know more about it, it's not as scary as they thought and it's quite alright. So I'm hoping I can get more information out there and start a proper discussion about this so people like me won't have to deal with misunderstandings, fear, disgust and rejection all the time.

SO, if anyone has any questions for me LET ME KNOW! I will answer them as best as I can at the moment.

Thank you for reading.

Being hormonal.

I have been meaning to write for a while but haven't been able to get around to it somehow. And today I am in a shit mood. There are several topics I would like to discuss but none of them seem to fit my mood right now because they require me to be more objective and right now I just can't because I feel like crap. I cannot pinpoint why I feel like this. I know I have been somewhat stressed about work but things seems to be settling down and becoming more stable. I have to record my BodyBalance class this evening and if it's a good video I can send it to les Mills for evaluation but if it doesn't work out I can just tape it again next week. Or tomorrow even. I'm not worried about it. I don't expect it to be perfect the first take anyway. I took the evening off yesterday to let my body recover from 3 hours of teaching the day before and slept pretty well so there is no real reason for this lack of energy. I need to set up a new eating schedule though but I've been meaning to for a while. The only thing I can think of is hormones. I have a coil so I have no idea when I should have my period and it doesn't upset me as it used to but sometimes I still get a bit of PMS. I must admit I haven't had it this bad in a while. I have no idea why it's this bad right now. I feel like punching people in the face for no reason at all. Everything is pissing me off. It's insane. I don't understand how women put up with it. It's driving me nuts. I really hate feeling like this, all over the place and unable to pick yourself up, pull yourself together and get on with things. This is one of the things I hate about being born female, being at the mercy of your own glands. Maybe most women are used to having emotions run their lives. Maybe that's how they can handle this. But for me it's hell. I'm used to being in control of my emotions and being able to shelf them when I need to. Except on days like this. I really can't wait to start on testosterone and having my menstrual cycle shut down. That way I can use every day to its fullest.


How do other people deal with this? Ladies? Let me know how you deal with days like this. I would much appreciate it. Fellow transmen, how long did it take, once on T, to stabilize this emotional roller-coaster? I'd really like to know.