Oh my.... size.

People generally agree I have gotten bigger in a good way. They say I look impressive, strong. When I look at the statistics they are right. I have gained over 2kg of muscle since I started testosterone and have lost over 3kg of fat. The difference is noticeable. On a good day I would agree I look pretty good. Most days however, I disagree. Most days I feel like I look scrawny. I feel my arms are way too thin and my shoulders too narrow. This is a very strange thing. Let me show you why.

The picture on the left is me, 6 years ago. When I took that picture I felt huge! There was way too much of me and I wanted to disappear. My eating disorder never had anything to do with wanting to be pretty. I simply felt there was something wrong with me and the less there was of me the less wrong I was. A strange construct but it made sense when I came up with it at age 7.

The picture on the right I took this morning. Again, it is impossible to be objective about it. I'm not sure how I feel, but I know it's not what it should be. Part of the problem is obvious. The boobs. They have to go. They get in the way of the rest of me. It's like all of me is hiding behind those boobs. Maybe that's why I feel the rest of me should be bigger. Not just generally bigger, but specifically muscular bigger. Manly.

But that's not the only problem. For a very long time I was very thin. Part of me always knew that, even if there was too much left still. It was part of my identity. And now I am letting that go. More then that. I am actively getting as big and strong as my body wants to be. I'm allowing my body to grow towards it full potential. I know I should be bigger. I know I should allow myself to take up space. There's the thing: taking up space. I used to feel that was such an awful thing to do. And now I am allowing myself to take up space it feels like I'm still not getting enough of it. I need more. I need to be present. I need to manifest myself. I need to stand like a mountain.

I might be over compensating. I am aware of that. But I think it is a natural process that you need to go through. After denying myself for so long I really need to say: here I am, not just to others, but mostly to myself. This is a part of my transition that is more mental then physical, though it may seem to be the other way around. By letting my body change I am slowly letting go of who I used to think I was supposed to be and growing into my own. It's a slow and painful process. Something that doesn't hit the surface much but is still there, constantly rearing it's head. These are the growing pains. Every time I look in the mirror I hope to see myself. On a good day now I do. I'm hoping there will be more and more of those to come.

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How to look like me?

I have been reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my birthday. It's a book by a fashion photographer. The book contains photo's of people he met on the street that fascinated him because they had style. I started reading it because I thought maybe I could find something in there that I would like and could adopt. Going through a transition like I do, going from girl to boy, is a bit of a rude awakening. You get stripped down to the core and then you're left standing there and you have to figure everything out all over again. Who am I? Who is that person looking back at me in the mirror? I had hoped this book would give me some ground rules as to what a guy is supposed to look like.

Just to be clear, 99% of the book consists of photographs. I still call it reading though. It's a much more universal language. And what those photo's were telling me was: there are no rules. You can wear anything you like as long as you own it, as long as it's you. Initially that really pissed me off. I had hoped to find some sort of starting point, a clue as for what to do, where to start or something to aim for. Later I realized I was looking for someone who looked like me. I looked at every picture thinking: is this me? And every time the answer was the same: no. Why? because there is only one person that looks like me and that is me. Or at least, there should be one person who looks like me. And that's the problem. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see me. Not yet anyway. I had been looking for a shortcut. But in life there are no shortcuts. Everything worth doing is worth doing right and the only way to do this right is by taking the long road, the road I haven't traveled yet.

There is a rule though. Just one. It's very simple, very basic and it's the trick all those people in those pictures probably used. You can wear anything as long as it's you. So that means you should only have items of clothing in your closet that you really like, that are really you. Then you can walk in there blindfolded and come out looking fantastic because what ever you pull on is you. I recently dumped two garbage bags of clothing but my closet isn't empty by far. But when I take a good look at it, if I would have to pick out the items I really like, that I really feel comfortable in, that make me feel good about myself, I come up with one shirt and a pair of jeans. That's all. Okay, maybe a handful of sleeveless shirts but that's it. So what do I do? The fact that I still have boobs (or moobs really) doesn't help with the way I feel about how I look. I'm hoping things will get better once I have had my surgery but that doesn't change the fact that I still don't look like me in most of the clothes I own. I mentioned to a friend last night that I'd rather own 5 shirts that I feel comfortable in then 20 that I don't like. So maybe I should stick to my word and actually just wear the few clothes that I do like or at least throw out the stuff that makes me feel silly when I wear it. I wonder how many people actually do that. Just wear what they really like instead of just wearing what they are used to for what ever reason. Clothing is such a huge part of your identity. So much more then most people realize. I'm really curious about how I will look a year from now, after the surgery and once I have found some money to buy some new clothes. I can't wait.

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Eddie Izzard and Rocky Horror

As much as I like Eddie Izzard and his slightly chaotic rhetorics and we do play on the same team mostly, he recently said something that I find bothers me. It has been on my mind for several days which means I need to do something with it. So here it is.


"The Humanist Community at Harvard, the American Humanist Association, and the Harvard Community of Humanists, Atheists, and Agnostics presented their 6th Annual Outstanding Lifetime Achievement Award for Cultural Humanism on February 20 to comedian, actor, marathon runner, and aspiring mayor of London (2020) Eddie Izzard.

Following a short performance, Izzard took time for audience questions."

In response to one of the questions on being in boy mode lately, part of his reply was:
"And then there’s transvestite and transsexual, which I believe are the same thing but it depends whether you take hormones to move yourself from transvestite to transsexual. The next person has a different thing saying, “No it’s not that. This is the name of it.” It’s a bit like where gay and lesbian were back in the 1950s."

For more details please visit this link:
http://www.advocate.com/comedy/2013/03/08/eddie-izzard-atheism-transgender-and-invisible-bloke-upstairs


As I said, we mostly play on the same team. That's the transgender team. But the team is divided and he is in the transvestite corner and I'm in the transsexual corner.

Here he says that, in his view, transvestite and transsexual is the same only transsexual is transvestite plus hormones. I cringed when I read that. I really did. I remember the first time I saw the Rocky Horror Picture Show and got really confused when Tim Curry sang about being a sweet transvestite from transsexual Transylvania. I know it sounds good, but it's highly confusing. A lot of people think that transsexual = transvestite + hormones and they can use those words interchangeably. But that's not the case.


Not fitting the binary gender is confusing as hell. It took me some time to figure out where I fitted in as well. You don't fit the norm, the standard. You are different and don't fit in, you stand out. And then you find this group of people that doesn't fit the binary either and you assume they must be like you then. Transvestites have their own culture. It's something they do. And when it isn't convenient they can choose to change into clothes that fit their birth gender and be left alone. I recently got to know someone who is a drag king. I didn't know she was one until she told me so. I never would have guessed. This is one of the main differences between transvestites and transsexuals. For one group it is optional when they express how they feel. For the other it is always there. There is no on or off switch. One of the questions I got from some people when I told them I am a transsexual was if I couldn't just be a masculine woman and maybe go in drag every now and then, or be a tomboy. It seemed like such a simply solution. If I could, I would. It would make life easier. It would mean I wouldn't have to change my body, just the way I dress. If I was a transvestite I could. But I'm not a transvestite. Even if I would go in drag full time it would still not solve the problem.


So this brings me to the hormones. Once you start hormones you can't undo them anymore. It's not just for when you feel like it. It's changing your body permanently. When a transvestite takes off her make up and high heels, they still feel like themselves. They can look down at their bodies and still say: this is me. When I look in the mirror, I don't see myself. And no matter how I dress up and do my hair, I am still not me as long as my body remains the same. I believe this is a fundamental difference between transsexuals and transvestites. The difference is being able to look at yourself in the mirror, being able to undress without feeling repulsed by your own body. This is a huge struggle for all transsexuals and can not be ignored or belittled. A transsexual is not a transvestite going over the top. A transsexual is someone who is trapped in a body that they do not belong in. Transition is not something you do because you feel like the world should accept the way you wish to express yourself. It's not optional. It's life or death.


I'm not saying travesty is not a valid gender identity. And I'm not saying life is easy for them. They have their own struggles and I am very glad they have Eddie as their spokes person. I'm just saying, just because apples and pears are both fruit, doesn't mean they are the same. Of course everyone should be treated equally, no matter what gender someone has. But that doesn't mean we should treat everyone the same, because people are not the same. After all, if they were and we did treat everyone the same, I probably would have struggled with being born in the wrong body, and the expectations that came with that body, much less.


This is what I believe. Though, of course, I could be wrong as well. Feedback is always welcome. After all, I'm still learning as well.



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Strike a pose.

I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.


I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.

So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!


In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.

I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.


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