Countdown to surgery.

Yesterday I went from counting the weeks to counting the days left until my surgery. I have thirty days to go. When I first got my date I still had over 7 weeks, almost 2 months. It felt so far away I was able to put it out of mind and not get too distracted by it. Now it's getting closer. I can feel my energy levels dropping. I'm restless. I wander around my apartment. I stare out the window, watching the rain. I open the fridge but can't really bring myself to eat. I'm too tense. I try to read or to paint but have a hard time focussing. I take breaks while watching a movie. I watch nonsense on YouTube to distract me because it's stuff I don't really need to think about anyway. I'm going nuts.

I had not expected this. Not this soon anyway. But here it is non the less. This surgery basically means the end of my transition. I still need to fix my passport after that and I told myself that would be the point where it's officially over but it doesn't feel that way. The passport feels like a technicality. It's the surgery that makes it all real. That's the rebirth. That's the moment from which on my life will never be the same. That's when I can start my new life. I know that all sounds really dramatic but that's how it feels. It's one of those big markers in one's life. For most people it is the birth of their child, or a wedding, or something like that. A moment that changes your life for ever. And you know it's coming. You have that date marked on your calender. That's when it will happen.

You know what the big event will be and that it will impact your life on every level. You just don't know how. You have no way of knowing how it will affect you. Therefore there is no way you can prepare for this change. You just know it is going to happen. You just have to wait and see what happens. I could tell you I'm worried about the surgery but I'm really not. I have a great team and they will do the best they can. I could tell you I'm worried about the anaesthesia and how I will respond to that but somehow that doesn't really worry me either. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Other trans people warned me about the big black hole after transition. I hadn't expected to fall for it. Not like they meant anyway. It's about something different for me. For the past 6 years I have been working very hard on being okay. I kicked anorexia, depression, addictions, self harm. This is the last thing on that list of things I can do to make my life better. After this there is no other clear problem that I can fix to make things better for myself. What if I'm still not okay after this? I know I'm going to be stuck with the scars. From the surgery, from the self harm, from the anorexia, from everything. I still have a lot of nerve pain that never really goes away. I live with it because that's the only thing I seem to be able to do. My energy levels are still fragile compared to most people, especially when you look at how well I take care of myself. Those things won't go away. So what do you do when you have fixed everything you can fix and it's still broken?

Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have the surgery. I'm really looking forward to seeing the results and being free of those bits that are holding me back so much right now. It will be so nice to see what my chest really looks like without those weird blobs covering the muscle. I'm curious what will happen when the oestrogen is no longer holding back the effects of the testosterone. I'm going to grow a big ginger beard, just because I can! And yes, I will post a picture ;)



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Burn baby burn

Last winter I had a burn out. Really? I did? Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out myself. And once I had figured it out I was ashamed to admit it. First to myself, then to others. But you know me. When ever I feel something is wrong I start wondering why and can never keep my mouth shut about my findings. So what was going on here?

During my twenties I spent a lot of time in therapy. I was what one could call guano crazy. I was officially declared unfit for regular work and have been living on government benefits ever since. Not that I haven't tried to study or work. I have tried plenty. But every time I had to come to the conclusion they were right: I am unfit for regular work. So I shouldn't do that. I am coming to terms with that now, since I had yet another burn out this winter. Seems like I finally learned my lesson. Most people who are sitting at home actually want to do something useful. So do I. So even though I don't have to work to be able to cover my basic bills (and not much more but this is a different story) I do want to do something. I started doing volunteer work at the COC, the LGBT rights organisation. I set up a non profit gallery with a friend of mine. I thought group classes as several gyms. I continued making art. And I started my transition from female to male.

I got a shoulder injury and decided it was a good moment to take a break from teaching at the gyms. The gallery was taking up more and more time so it was a good excuse to quit at the COC where I felt overwhelmed. And then the gallery lost its major sponsor and we could no longer stay at the location we had. We decided to close down after 4 years. Honestly, I was relieved it closed. It meant I could take some time to myself and catch my breath. I took a week, and then another. It turned into a month and then two. And I am still tired. I tell people I can't really do anything right now because I am waiting for my surgery this summer. Honestly, that's not the whole story. I burned out last winter and I need some time to recover. I don't know how long this is going to take but it will take as long as it needs to. I'm not going to set any goals or deadlines. I'm going to take it a day at a time and if my energy is good that day I'll use it. If my energy is low I'll take it easy. I'm not going to let myself burn out again. I've done it too many times already.

I know what I did wrong. The next question is why. Lately half the time I'm on public transport I overhear people complain to each other or on the phone about the pressure at work and school. They are constantly being asked to do a little extra. Again and again. All those things are relatively small but they add up. To a lot. People are working extra hours to get all the work done and have to do additional courses to keep their jobs. Even if the course has nothing to do with their actual work. People are discouraged to call in sick when they really should. People are sacrificing their free time to catch up with paperwork. It seems like everyone is terrified of losing their jobs. At first I thought that was it: people want to keep their jobs and with unemployment as high as it is people are willing to do anything to not get fired. But why does this state of fear flows over into the school system? Kids are cracking under the pressure and they feel guilty about it. What's happening there?

When I was growing up our parents told us we could be anything we wanted. The choice was ours. This idea is still valid. But, if you want to be A, then you also have to be X, Y and Z. Even if you don't want to be X, Y and Z and they have nothing to do with what you are doing. The things you want to do are now pre packaged with a bunch of other stuff. There are conditions to everything. This isn't really something new. There are always things attached to everything. When you want to be your own boss and become an entrepreneur you also have to do all the paperwork that goes with it. If you love teaching and inspiring people it also means you have to prepare your classes and score the tests. There are always conditions. But these days it seems that the conditions overshadow the actual work. People are so busy with their check lists that they hardly have time to do what they wanted to do in the first place: the job they chose. Why do we allow this? Not just because we are afraid of losing our jobs. It's bigger then that.

This wave of pressure can be felt by everyone, even stay at home parents or people like me. The general consensus these days seems to be: you can be anything you want, if you work hard enough. If you fail you didn't work hard enough so it's your own fault and you don't deserve to be happy. I'm guessing this is why we put up with this nonsense. We want to prove we can handle it to earn our happiness. It's like a continual pissing contest. Survival of the fittest. A rat race. Maybe we are letting this happen because unemployment is so high. Maybe the "power corrupts" principle is being applied on a massive scale today. People are being told they actually do have control over their own lives. All they have to do is work their hands till they bleed with no reward, just postponed punishment. Orwell wasn't far off after all.

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Oh my... hair!

When you start testosterone treatment several things tend to happen. I already told you about how my body composition and my voice changed. One of the things most people ask me when they haven't seen me for a while is: do you have a beard yet? This is actually a question I don't mind so much as I would really like to have a nice big beard. There is one thing that people usually don't realize though. When you start using testosterone you get more hair, period. Like, everywhere! And this was something I wasn't looking forward to at all. I didn't want to get hairy all over. Luckily this is something that happens gradually. You don't go to bed smooth and wake up a bear the next morning. It's not like Kafka's beetle. This means you have time to get used to it. Opinions among transmen vary. Some really dislike the extra hair but it seems like a lot of them are quite eager for it. I'm guessing this has to do with personal taste for some part, but probably also with passability. My spelling checker doesn't think that's a word. I wish it was right.

Now what's weird about this? If you google Men's health cover you might notice something. They are all as smooth as a baby's bottom. And Men's Health is the standard of how a guy should look, right? Then why do all these transguys want to be hairy?


It does seem that body hair on a man is coming back. Maybe it started with the movember movement. I'm not sure. Maybe it's the bear scene that is becoming more prominent. They had their own Bear Pride in Amsterdam this year for the first time which I think is awesome.


And then I head about the Don't Risk Dudeness ads by Feet.

The campaign was taken down rather quickly because it was deemed sexist. And right they were. But it did give me some idea of why a lot of transguys are comparing how much hair they have. Whether you like body hair or not, one thing is certain: it's not feminine. And therefor it must be masculine. And masculine is good.

It took me a while to realize I see it the same way. I used to shave absolutely everything. I like the smooth feeling of it, true. But mostly it was because I was afraid people would label me as masculine. I was afraid of getting caught. When you're in an unclear state during your transition you cling onto every little thing you can to make clear to the world what you are. So you grow hair anywhere you can, to ensure dudeness.

Right now I only shave my face. Not very often though. It will be a while before I will be able to grow a proper beard. Things are happening though. I'm not sure how hairy the rest of my body will become. It's hairier then before, that's for sure. But I'm not a bear. Not yet anyway. There is no way to tell if I ever will be until I am. Because I used to be so afraid of body hair it took me a while to be okay with it. I am now. I don't really care either way. If it grows, it grows. If it doesn't. it doesn't. There is nothing I can do about it anyway. I could shave again but I totally understand now why part time drag queens often don't shave. Male hair is much thicker and nastier and there is more of it. And really, I can't be bothered. I'm fine the way I am. It's my body and I am getting more and more comfortable in it now it can finally do what it really wants to do. And if it wants to be fuzzy, then let it be fuzzy. If it doesn't, then that's fine too.

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I had my meeting with my surgeons.

Last week I went to the Slotervaart hospital in Amsterdam for 3 meetings.

The third one was with the anesthesiologist. He turned out to be a very nice guy who clearly enjoyed his job of making people as comfortable as possible. He told me not to worry and he would take good care of me. I'm getting an PCA which means as much as patient controlled pain medication after the surgery. I'm very happy about that because being dependent on whenever the nurses can find the time to listen to you and decide you might actually be right and either need more medication or not, is not exactly ideal. I have a high pain threshold but also get used to pain medication really quickly. So that's something that could go either way. Like this I will be in full control and will get what I need.

The second meeting was with the gynecologist. He's a bit of a quirky man but he's a professional alright. He told me what he is going to do. They will put air in my belly to make room to work. Then they will make 4 tiny incisions; one for a camera so they can see what they are doing, and the other 3 for tools. There's already a larger opening they can use to pull out that annoying bit of tissue. Then all they have to do is stitch it shut at the top and they are done. He told me a whole bunch of things that can happen after the surgery that might freak me out but I don't need to worry about. He also told me a few things that could happen that would mean I should call him. But in all cases I don't need to worry because if anything goes wrong they'll just fix it, no problem. Okay doc, what ever you say. I an 100% confident that he will indeed set things right.

Now the first meeting was the one I was nervous about. It was the surgeon that will fix my chest. In broad terms there are two ways of doing this. The big surgery and the small surgery. The big one means two large incisions below the breasts. With the small one they make circular incisions around the nipples. Clearly, the big one causes bigger scars then the small one. Most transmen are really set on getting the small on. It's a big deal. It's important because else you are mutilated for life with those huge ugly scars across your chest that will remind you for ever and always what you went through and will cause the whole world to ask what the hell happened to you. People had told me I should be able to get the small one. People told me it was important for me to get the small one. Everyone wanted to small one so of course I would want the small one as well. So when my surgeon took one look at me and said: no way, I was in shock. I had counted on getting the small one. After a while I realized I felt like I had lost some sort of competition. This confused me and later got me mad. This is why it took me a while to write this update. I wanted to figure out where this feeling came from.

Among transmen, or trans people in general really, there is this silent competition to be as passable as possible. I feel very conflicted about this. The problem is that if all transsexuals just disappear after their last surgery it makes it harder for the people who live further away from the norm to find a place in society. As a transsexual you stand out for a while during your transition. It's a big deal. It's heavy. It's hard. And also, it's very visible.You can't go into a cave and come out a few years later and go: tadaaa! It doesn't work like that. You are forced to do it in plain sight. This is why transsexuals get a lot of media attention. But once you are done, you are done, and you can pretend it never happened most of the time. You can go back to your ordinary life. Sure, some will still stand out but these days people can start transition during their teens and most of them are absolutely passable once they are done and sometimes even before then.

A lot of people who are transgender but are not transsexual don't have that luxury. They don't go though an awkward phase and then come out as themselves and can fit one of the boxes on every bloody form on the planet. A lot of them are somewhere in between. They always stand out. They can't just put on a shirt to cover the scars and pretend they're one of the guys. They need our support.

The other things is that there seems to be a shame culture happening here. Even though people are now coming out as trans on television and there are shows being made about trans people and all the media attention and people shouting that transsexuals should be accepted a lot of trans people still seem to be ashamed of the fact that they are trans. It's like being ashamed of being black, or of being ginger, or of being short, or of having blue eyes. It seems to me that a lot of transsexual people feel the need to be as passable as possible because they are afraid that people will still see them as less, as inferior, of not one of them. They are afraid of not fitting in, of being cast out. They want to hide part of who they are, part of their history, in order to secure a future.

I am not ashamed of being a transsexual, just like I'm not ashamed of being ginger and short. I'm not ashamed of having Indonesian ancestry even though no one sees it. I'm also not proud of it. I didn't do anything to be any of these things. These are the cards I got dealt. That's all. There is no shame in that. There is also no pride in that. It simply is what it is. So why did I freak out when she told me I was getting the big surgery? Because people had told me I should. Well, not directly, but they did make me feel that way. Personally I don't have a problem with a few extra scars. I have plenty already and they all have a story. This would just be another story, one that I'm not ashamed of. So that's why I got mad. My peers had, unintentionally, made me feel like I should be ashamed of who I am. This makes me sad and it worries me. I am able to take a good look at who I am and how I feel about myself and get past this. But not everyone can. There are a lot of trans people who are very vulnerable and who are unable to stand up for themselves. I can imagine some people would get very depressed hearing such news, maybe even suicidal. If they really feel like they should be ashamed of who they are and that they will be rejected by society if people find out there is something seriously wrong. It's all fine and dandy that we have those tv shows now and that there are so many people coming out publicly but there is still so much work to do.

I'm getting the big surgery. I am getting two scars on my chest that tell my story. I'm okay with that. I'm still waiting for the date but it should be before my birthday in late July. The surgeon really is a nice lady and she knows what she's doing. She is one of the best in the country. She saw how shocked I was and did her best to reassure me everything would be okay and she would do her best to minimize my scarring. In the mean time I am coming up with all kinds of ideas for tattoos in combination with scarifications for my torso. So I'm not worries at all anymore. Right now I'm just curious about the final result so I can start designing.

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The Zen of painting.

Karel Appel once said: Ik worstel met de materie, soms wint de materie en soms win ik. I struggle with the material, sometimes it wins and sometimes I win. This is a statement that is true for most artists. I have done this for a long time as well. Trying to force the colors into a shape that I thought would fit better. I have found in my daily life that you have to pick your battles. I tried to force my mind into a shape that seemed to fit the world better but it turned out I need to reshape my body to fit my mind better. Most things actually know where they belong and human interference more often breaks a system rather then adding to it.

Recently I have decided to take a different approach to my paintings. The methods I use are still very similar but my view has changed quite a bit. I have given up the struggle. Instead I surrender to the material and allow it to guide me. I let the colors absorb me and let go of all dogmas and conventions. There is no should or must, there is only what is. For once I silence my mind and let intuition take over. It is liberating to say the least. Not only does it allow me to connect with my paintings on a more spiritual level, they are also more approachable for others. Too often people would ask me what my paintings mean and if I asked them to tell me what they thought they would always ask me of they for it right. There is no right or wrong in art. There is a connection or there isn't. Something causes an inner reaction for what ever reason there may be, or it doesn't. That's all there really is. And now people have the freedom to enjoy that and not worry about right or wrong. This blue painting is blue and what ever else you may see in it is yours to see and no one can take that away from you. So take that and enjoy it.

Fifty shades of wrong.

A friend of mine is lending me fifty shades of grey. For reasons unclear to me it is in Dutch. The good thing is that I can pretend that some things are just bad translation. Unfortunately that doesn't change the story line. It's very easy to read. It's like popcorn, hot air. You don't need to think about any of it so you're just flying through it. I was quite surprised at that. I'm not saying it's well written, it's just very readable. The story is very simple. Boy meets girl, the conquer an obstacle and live happily ever after. In this case the writer choose kink for the fluff to fill the pages. I really wish she had done her research right. She didn't. I'm hoping it's the translation that writes the Dutch word for submissive with a capital. Somehow I doubt it. And that is just the start. I'm not sure what she had in mind with mister Grey but for someone who is supposed to have 12 years of experience in kink he is extremely naive. Clearly he is not a Dominant or Master by nature if she can manipulate him so easily after such a long time in the scene. Nor is she a true submissive but she doesn't claim to be. She's a brat. She just happens to be a masochist but that doesn't make you a sub by definition. Error upon error upon error. Oh my indeed.



Why does this bother me? For the same reason why The Da Vinci Code bothers me. It's popular writers who don't do their research properly and send these idiotic ideas into the world without worrying about how it will effect people. Does stuff like this effect people? Yes, of course it does. Most people get most of their knowledge from the media. Including me. It's not just internet and TV. Books count just as much. People believe a lot of stuff they see or read, simply because it sounds convincing. Like the mermaid documentary on Animal Planet. A lot of people thought it was real. I wanted to believe it because mermaids are cool and the documentary was very well done. But that doesn't actually make it true.


It's the same with books like these. People think the writers did their research so they must know what they are talking about, right? If someone knows a tiny bit more then you do that doesn't mean they are experts. If someone can change the oil it doesn't mean they can fix the engine. But people think they do. This is just the most recent example of misconceptions that I found. For someone as deviant from the norm as I do I feel compelled to stand up for diversity in any way. This is one of the reasons why I've started working on my book. One of the topics I want to discuss there is love. As far as boy meets girl stories go Fifty Shades is rather cliche. In other words: it is normative. As someone who wants to do his research as well as possible I'm curious about how other people see this norm. I'm trying to gather as much information as possible to get a good picture. As far as love goes, or cultural norms for that matter, one of the best sources would be personal experiences. I was wondering if people would be willing to send me their stories, their experiences and their ideas about what love is, what the norm is and if that norm is correct. I know that's a lot to ask but I would be very grateful. You can post a comment if you want or send me a personal message on my Facebook page if you don't want it to be public. If you have any questions, go ahead and send me a message as well. This book will contain a lot of personal opinion but it should, most of all, be a book for all of you.



And for those who are curious: a fun bit of science behind love.

So what happens next?

It’s been a while since I posted my last blog. People have been asking me what my plans are for the future. Or more precise: what’s the next project? How about finishing my transition first? I have been forgetting that actually takes a lot of time and mental space as well. Now I do have time to think about these things a lot has been happening inside my head. Surgery is starting to get real as well. This week I have an appointment with a psychiatrist to get the last signature for my referral letter. Three weeks after that I am seeing my surgeons to discuss the options and my wants and needs. After that there is a waiting list of 4 to 6 weeks. So after 10 weeks at the most I will have had my surgery. The way time has flown by the past few months it feels like it could be tomorrow almost. I’m starting to get nervous in a way you do just before you go on a holiday. I’m trying not to expect too much. Someone asked me how I think I will look after the surgery. I have no idea. I don’t think about it because I can’t know until about a year after the surgery and I have completely healed and my hormones have settled etc. All I can do now is hope for the best and see what happens. It’s weird to be thinking about things like nipples. Most people take them for granted. They’re just there. But now I have to decide if I want my surgeon to do something with them or not. I’m not 100% sure yet. I’ll wait and see what she says. She’s the expert in the end. I don’t feel the need to have them reduced right now but they look quite different on my chest the way things are anyway so it’s hard to tell.

I have decided to have the hysterectomy. I’m not sure if I mentioned that before. There are several reasons for this:

I don’t plan on having kids anyway so I don’t need a uterus.

Hormone treatment increases cancer risks and I don’t really feel like getting cancer.

And, last but not least, the estrogen I’m still producing is counterproductive.

People seem to think that more testosterone means less estrogen and yes, if all is well your ovaries become less active. Not always though. People have been calling me miss again lately in stores. I noticed my body and face had been changing again the wrong way around. I used a bit of extra testosterone for about a week and now seem to be back on track again. In the meantime the extra hair did expand. My voice is also still slowly changing. So the testosterone is doing its work. But when the fat distribution makes my face look more feminine people still misgender me. It’s rather frustrating and I really can't wait to get rid of the estrogens so I can really start looking like myself. I’m getting closer but I know I’m still not there.

Another thing that happens is that people think I’m much younger then I am. I’m 35 and I usually don’t mind if people think I’m a bit younger but when someone thinks I’m 17 I really don’t know how to respond. This really happened two days ago. I’m still amazed. And of course this happens right at the moment when I start to be okay with being an adult. I know that sounds silly but that happens to all of us. We all feel like we are going to be young forever and then, one day, we wake up and we find we are supposed to be adults. We don’t know how that happens, but it does. Just like that. When you’re young you think it’s something that happens to other people and that they will know how to deal with it when the time comes. But I’m guessing there are quite a few people who don’t. Or at least, at first. I guess it’s about attitude, how you deal with things. I think I have grown quite a bit lately in that aspect. Even though I don’t have some sort of job anymore I feel more in control of my life. I finally have time to paint again and I have started to write a book. It feels great to be able to make my own schedule and do things at my own pace. I keep forgetting I don’t work well with deadlines and a packed calendar. I need space to breathe. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m taking responsibility for my own life. If that isn’t a grown up thing to do, I don’t know what is. 

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