Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Public toilets.

I know it may sounds strange to write my second post about public toilets but I just came back from a short holiday in the UK. Somehow you always seem to use public toilets more when you're away from home, even when you are staying with friends like I did. It's one of those moments of truth. I found it very confronting. Which door to you pick? Men or Women? Are you a boy or a girl. You can go through life being rather ambiguous about our gender most of the time and no one will be bothered. No one really notices half the time. People label us the way fits them best. If they're not sure they just decide on some random factor that pops up in our subconscious and they never question it. But the moment you step through one of those doors the label is set. That's how you define yourself and how you expect the rest of the world to see you as well. If you do not fit that label you are even forbidden to go in there. It's one of those places that for most people are one of the greater mysteries of life: what goes on behind the other door.... And suddenly I was there. Behind that other door. That place where I was not allowed to be for so long. And it was rank. Seriously, what's up with that? Why are men's rooms so much smellier then girl's rooms? I guess it has to do with hormones. But I must say it took me a while to get uses to it.

What I still find a bit unnerving is that I can't use a urinal. I have to use a stall. Of which there is usually only one and it usually just gets used for number 2. Of course that is a legitimate reason to go in there. When nature calls and so on. And there are plenty of guys who don't feel comfortable using a urinal in front of other men. But this is different. It's not a choice. It's a must. It's because I'm missing body parts. This may sound dramatic but it makes me feel disfigured, like an amputee. It makes me more aware of what I'm missing and it's frustrating as hell. I know there isn't much I can do about it right now. They have prosthetics that you can urinate with but I haven't tried them yet. I'm not sure where to get them and I'm not sure if I would be comfortable using it in front of other people. What if they notice?

That's the other thing. What if someone looks at me and say: hey! You're not a real guy! What are you doing in here? Get out! I know the chances of that happening are slim to none. I seem to be pretty convincing as a boy to other people. But still... I know. It makes me more aware, more alert when I'm in there. The worst moments are when I have to stand and wait for a stall and people come in and go and look at me wondering why I'm standing there. It's extremely uncomfortable. Sometimes it seems to stretch on forever. Sometimes I really wonder why I'm choosing to make my life so difficult and something as simple as taking a piss has to become torment and why I can't just act normal and use the girl's room just like all the people born with ovaries do. But the thought of going in there is even worse. I don't belong in there. When I took the plane I dressed as a girl, as in didn't wear my binder or my cock and put on a bra, that's basically the only difference. It meant I had to take the door labelled women. It felt strange going in there. It's not where I'm supposed to be. When I am dressed as myself, as in with binder and all, the idea of using the girl's room is absurd. If I'd try I probably would get kicked out, or at least get some really funny looks. And they would be right. No way I should be in there then. I am, after all, a man, no matter what my plumbing says.


  1. Public restrooms are terrible! So yeah, I really know that feeling, and what you write could also be easily written by me.
    And I also have no idea why men's restrooms smell so bad compared to women's. And the stall is indeed used mostly for number 2s, so that one even smells worse. :S

    I am also trying to use the men's restroom when I need to use public restrooms, but on some places it feels safer than others, depending on what kind of people there are / what building it is. And I clearly don't look like a guy yet with my long hair. (and about a month ago I did get strange looks from a guy when I walked out of the stall, wearing my bright pink fleece jacket and long hair - but he didn't say anything, luckily.)

    But yeah, I think that it is just a new thing we all need to get used to as FtM transgenders, and that after using male bathrooms for a while, it gets less scary and more natural to go there. And ofcourse once you go on hormones you are more looking like a guy too, and then nobody will give you second looks for using the guy's restoom.

  2. Tyler,dit is heel bekend.Niet zo zeer het naar de toilet gaan maar wel boodschappen doen,shoppen en ga zo maar door.De vooroordelen waar je als trangender tegen aan loopt is een strijd.Zo zie je maar hoe mensen in hokjes denken en mensen zoals wij passen daar niet in.Als je maar iets afwijkt van de mainstream dan heb je gelijk een stempel.Maar wij gaan door en laten ons niet kennen,althans ik niet.

    groetjes Aafke

  3. Klinkt enorm bekend. Ik ga alleen naar het herentoilet, ook als ik mijn binder niet draag (wegens gezondheid), en ik krijg ook af en toe rare blikken van andere mannen. Het is erg frustrerend om zo'n hokje in te moeten, terwijl zij lekker kunnen staan en hun behoefte kunnen doen. Het stinkt er ook inderdaad ontzettend erg. Wat dat betreft mis ik het damestoilet wel :p

    Maar ik denk dat het gewoon wennen zal zijn, en het hopelijk steeds wat makkelijker gaat.

    Overigens als ik lolita draag ga ik wel naar het damestoilet, omdat ik bang ben raar aan te worden gekeken als ik naar het herentoilet ga in een jurk.