Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Countdown to surgery.

Yesterday I went from counting the weeks to counting the days left until my surgery. I have thirty days to go. When I first got my date I still had over 7 weeks, almost 2 months. It felt so far away I was able to put it out of mind and not get too distracted by it. Now it's getting closer. I can feel my energy levels dropping. I'm restless. I wander around my apartment. I stare out the window, watching the rain. I open the fridge but can't really bring myself to eat. I'm too tense. I try to read or to paint but have a hard time focussing. I take breaks while watching a movie. I watch nonsense on YouTube to distract me because it's stuff I don't really need to think about anyway. I'm going nuts.

I had not expected this. Not this soon anyway. But here it is non the less. This surgery basically means the end of my transition. I still need to fix my passport after that and I told myself that would be the point where it's officially over but it doesn't feel that way. The passport feels like a technicality. It's the surgery that makes it all real. That's the rebirth. That's the moment from which on my life will never be the same. That's when I can start my new life. I know that all sounds really dramatic but that's how it feels. It's one of those big markers in one's life. For most people it is the birth of their child, or a wedding, or something like that. A moment that changes your life for ever. And you know it's coming. You have that date marked on your calender. That's when it will happen.

You know what the big event will be and that it will impact your life on every level. You just don't know how. You have no way of knowing how it will affect you. Therefore there is no way you can prepare for this change. You just know it is going to happen. You just have to wait and see what happens. I could tell you I'm worried about the surgery but I'm really not. I have a great team and they will do the best they can. I could tell you I'm worried about the anaesthesia and how I will respond to that but somehow that doesn't really worry me either. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Other trans people warned me about the big black hole after transition. I hadn't expected to fall for it. Not like they meant anyway. It's about something different for me. For the past 6 years I have been working very hard on being okay. I kicked anorexia, depression, addictions, self harm. This is the last thing on that list of things I can do to make my life better. After this there is no other clear problem that I can fix to make things better for myself. What if I'm still not okay after this? I know I'm going to be stuck with the scars. From the surgery, from the self harm, from the anorexia, from everything. I still have a lot of nerve pain that never really goes away. I live with it because that's the only thing I seem to be able to do. My energy levels are still fragile compared to most people, especially when you look at how well I take care of myself. Those things won't go away. So what do you do when you have fixed everything you can fix and it's still broken?

Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have the surgery. I'm really looking forward to seeing the results and being free of those bits that are holding me back so much right now. It will be so nice to see what my chest really looks like without those weird blobs covering the muscle. I'm curious what will happen when the oestrogen is no longer holding back the effects of the testosterone. I'm going to grow a big ginger beard, just because I can! And yes, I will post a picture ;)



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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Burn baby burn

Last winter I had a burn out. Really? I did? Yeah, it took me a while to figure it out myself. And once I had figured it out I was ashamed to admit it. First to myself, then to others. But you know me. When ever I feel something is wrong I start wondering why and can never keep my mouth shut about my findings. So what was going on here?

During my twenties I spent a lot of time in therapy. I was what one could call guano crazy. I was officially declared unfit for regular work and have been living on government benefits ever since. Not that I haven't tried to study or work. I have tried plenty. But every time I had to come to the conclusion they were right: I am unfit for regular work. So I shouldn't do that. I am coming to terms with that now, since I had yet another burn out this winter. Seems like I finally learned my lesson. Most people who are sitting at home actually want to do something useful. So do I. So even though I don't have to work to be able to cover my basic bills (and not much more but this is a different story) I do want to do something. I started doing volunteer work at the COC, the LGBT rights organisation. I set up a non profit gallery with a friend of mine. I thought group classes as several gyms. I continued making art. And I started my transition from female to male.

I got a shoulder injury and decided it was a good moment to take a break from teaching at the gyms. The gallery was taking up more and more time so it was a good excuse to quit at the COC where I felt overwhelmed. And then the gallery lost its major sponsor and we could no longer stay at the location we had. We decided to close down after 4 years. Honestly, I was relieved it closed. It meant I could take some time to myself and catch my breath. I took a week, and then another. It turned into a month and then two. And I am still tired. I tell people I can't really do anything right now because I am waiting for my surgery this summer. Honestly, that's not the whole story. I burned out last winter and I need some time to recover. I don't know how long this is going to take but it will take as long as it needs to. I'm not going to set any goals or deadlines. I'm going to take it a day at a time and if my energy is good that day I'll use it. If my energy is low I'll take it easy. I'm not going to let myself burn out again. I've done it too many times already.

I know what I did wrong. The next question is why. Lately half the time I'm on public transport I overhear people complain to each other or on the phone about the pressure at work and school. They are constantly being asked to do a little extra. Again and again. All those things are relatively small but they add up. To a lot. People are working extra hours to get all the work done and have to do additional courses to keep their jobs. Even if the course has nothing to do with their actual work. People are discouraged to call in sick when they really should. People are sacrificing their free time to catch up with paperwork. It seems like everyone is terrified of losing their jobs. At first I thought that was it: people want to keep their jobs and with unemployment as high as it is people are willing to do anything to not get fired. But why does this state of fear flows over into the school system? Kids are cracking under the pressure and they feel guilty about it. What's happening there?

When I was growing up our parents told us we could be anything we wanted. The choice was ours. This idea is still valid. But, if you want to be A, then you also have to be X, Y and Z. Even if you don't want to be X, Y and Z and they have nothing to do with what you are doing. The things you want to do are now pre packaged with a bunch of other stuff. There are conditions to everything. This isn't really something new. There are always things attached to everything. When you want to be your own boss and become an entrepreneur you also have to do all the paperwork that goes with it. If you love teaching and inspiring people it also means you have to prepare your classes and score the tests. There are always conditions. But these days it seems that the conditions overshadow the actual work. People are so busy with their check lists that they hardly have time to do what they wanted to do in the first place: the job they chose. Why do we allow this? Not just because we are afraid of losing our jobs. It's bigger then that.

This wave of pressure can be felt by everyone, even stay at home parents or people like me. The general consensus these days seems to be: you can be anything you want, if you work hard enough. If you fail you didn't work hard enough so it's your own fault and you don't deserve to be happy. I'm guessing this is why we put up with this nonsense. We want to prove we can handle it to earn our happiness. It's like a continual pissing contest. Survival of the fittest. A rat race. Maybe we are letting this happen because unemployment is so high. Maybe the "power corrupts" principle is being applied on a massive scale today. People are being told they actually do have control over their own lives. All they have to do is work their hands till they bleed with no reward, just postponed punishment. Orwell wasn't far off after all.

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