Last week I mentioned I was feeling the testosterone a lot again. So far that has only gotten worse. It really does feel like it did when I first started testosterone. I remember suddenly understanding why teen aged boys were complaining all the time. And once again I really do. It's all very impractical.
I wake up early because I am hungry. I am hungry all the time. I could eat non stop and I would if I wasn't so nauseous again. In the morning it's not so bad but in the afternoon it sometimes gets so bad I feel the need to lie down and wait for it to pass. Eating in the evening is difficult but sine I'm so bloody hungry I still do. Three cheers for protein shakes. They're a real lifesaver at the moment.
My energy levels and concentration fluctuate a lot. I've been trying to work but it's far from easy. I can't stay focussed for very long most of the time and am tempted to just crawl back into bed. But not at night. When I actually should be sleeping I am wide awake, tossing and turning. I allow myself to stay in bed late by my standards and didn't get up until 9:30 this morning. I also take naps in the afternoon if I can't push myself to do anything useful anyway. I know my body needs to get used to not having any oestrogen at all any more and this will pass. I'm trying to listen to what my body needs as best I can but it's frustrating. It would be nice if my body would agree to get that sleep at a more convenient time. I have no idea how long this will last but there is nothing I can do about it.
One of the things my body needs a lot of food and rest for is my muscles. After not training at all for 2 months your body gets a bit of a shock anyway when you start working out again. But with the new hormonal balance it's even stronger. My muscles want to grow and so far every time I did a BodyPump class I was able to put a bit extra on my barbell. I'm not getting very sore at all which is good I guess. I'm trying not to up my weights too fast even though it is very tempting. When I was still figuring out the right dosage for my testosterone my muscle mass and fat mass fluctuated too much and I ended up with a shoulder injury. I don't want that to happen again so I'm making sure I'm going easy on my joins. They need time to get used to the extra strain. I really can't wait to get to proper weights again though. I can finally create the body I've always wanted.
Getting back to work is harder then I had thought. It has been a while since I completely focussed on my own creative processes. The past few years I have been so busy with other things, like running the gallery, I didn't have much time for my own stuff. Now I've had time to think about what I really want in life I have decided to give myself another chance and really go for it. After painting abstract for about a decade I am going back to more figurative work so this means I'm back to drawing. Only slightly frustrating as I used to be pretty good at it but am not quite rusty. I'm practising the basics again, doing model drawing from a book, which I see as a necessary evil right now. Once things get better it will start being fun again I'm sure. And then I can paint again.
I am at my fourth set up for my book on my transition and feel like I finally have something that could work. I had planned to use this blog as a base to work from but copy pasting large passages seems pointless. People can just read the blog then. Right now it is taking on a novel like shape. Page one of chapter one seems finished right now but I still have about 300 pages or more to go so it's very well possible I'll rewrite that page or move it at some point. It feels good to have started though. I'm really curious where this will take me. I have started writing so many novels when I was younger but never actually finished one. This would be the first. It's a new life indeed.
Pictures of my work can be found on my Facebook page.