Thursday, November 29, 2012

It's official!

I have been working as the coordinator for the Trans*-initiative at the COC Leiden for a while now. By the way, COC stands for Cultuur- en Ontspannings Centrum: cultural and leisure center. So it has nothing to do with cock. Well, a little but not in that way.

As a lot of us know the T in GLBT has been neglected for a long time and now things are finally changing. The Trans*-initiative was started in 2011 but wasn't officially a division of the COC yet. Since last night, by vote of the members of the COC, it now is! This means the COC has now officially committed itself to promote the emancipation of transgenders in the region of Leiden. This is a great step forwards. It means we can start making long term plans and start collaborating with other, larger organizations and really get things done.

So far we have been organizing the GenderFreeZone evenings with a workshop and a party which is a great start as it is a meeting place for transgenders of all kinds to get to know each other, pick up a few skills, share their stories and see they are not alone. But this is only one evening every 3 months or so. This does not change our daily struggles when people look at us and don't know what to call us. Or call us names... So there is still a lot to be done. We have been in contact with the local university to see what we can do to help them to make things better for trans students there but this is all really fresh and it will still take some time before things will really change. The biggest challenge is to change how people think. That's something we can only do one person at a time, with patience and understanding. There needs to be more information available about what it means to be transgender. Not about the surgeries and the waitinglists. People don't care and it doesn't help them understand how we feel. It's all too technical. So we need to find a way to help people understand what it feels like to be different and to be judged for being different, while we don't even want to be different. We just want to be ourselves and to be loved for who we are.

If you have any ideas how we can make that happen, if you are experiencing problems because you are trans or if you know of people around you who are facing obstacles because of their gender issues, please let me know so maybe we can do something about this. We have an open meeting with the trans team this Tuesday (4th of December) at the COC Leiden at 8pm. Everyone of good will is welcome. For more information you can contact me at genderfreezone@cocleiden.nl. Thank you very much.

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Tuesday, November 20, 2012

I just got uninvited for Christmas.


My mother's husband came to pick up the paintings the had made at my course because she didn't want to come anymore and told me he didn't think it was a good idea if I would come over for Christmas anymore either. I have to admit I told her I needed a bit more space and didn't think it would be wise to have her in my course anymore because we have been tiptoeing around each other way too much lately in order to avoid direct conflict but as a result we both feel irritated and exhausted. I felt like it was an endless and pointless battle. So last week I went over there to talk to her. I told her I love her very much and do want a good relationship with her and have been trying really hard to make that happen for as long as I can remember but we simply don't connect. We're a mismatch. There is nothing we can do about it. I also told her that I do love her very much and I do want her in my life but just every now and then for a cup of tea or something. Not too intense, not too complicated. No expectations, just the little things. She said she'd like that and if there was anything I ever needed I just needed to ask. And now she send her husband, who I have never liked, even before they got together, to pick up her stuff and tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I am done. There is just no pleasing her. It makes me very very sad to be set aside like this. I had been thinking about this for months and months, almost half a year, to find a way to still see each other without making each other miserable. I tried so hard and I just get pushed to the side. Yes I know it's not easy for her having a child she doesn't understand and I know she has been trying as well, in her own way. I understand and respect that. But this feels like she is giving up on me. It's as if I no longer exist to her. I guess there is nothing left I can do. I just have to face the fact that I no longer have a mother and just make the best of things.
Anyone want to have me over for Christmas? I never liked Christmas because me family would always be fighting. But spending it all alone because my mother won't have me over? That's different. Looks like this is going to be a harsh winter.
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Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Who's being stupid and selfish here?



Someone I know posted this on facebook a few days ago.

Gisteren meteen vanuit mijn werk met de trein naar Den Haag geweest voor een belangrijk document te halen en daarna rechtstreeks door naar Pijnacker (zoetermeer) voor een heerlijk dagje sauna..........Nu denk iedereen "heerlijk toch"......klopt in zovere maar nu komt het de terug reis met de trein :-( arme NS gisteren was blijkbaar een Doomsday in Nederland, we hadden meerdere vertragingen en miste daardoor meerdere overstap treinen omdat er 4 mensen willekeurig van elkaar en op verschillende plaatsen voor de trein zijn gesprongen en waarvan 3 vrijwel in de route die wij dus terug moesten nemen :-(.............wat bezielt zulke mensen toch om voor de trein te springen en daardoor die arme machinist en die gene die het moeten opruimen zo een trauma te bezorgen ...........soms doen mensen dingen die ongelooflijk stom en egoïstische zijn.............maargoed en daardoor gisteren pas om 0 uur thuis en vannacht slecht geslapen ....zucht verslapen en een collega laten wachten voor naar CW :-( ........nu maar weer het dagelijkse dingen oppakken en strijken en koken .............FB vrienden fijne dag nog

Rough English translation by google translate:
Yesterday directly from work I took the train to Den Haag to pick up an important document and then directly to Pijnacker (Zoetermeer) for a lovely day sauna .......... Now everyone thinks  "sounds lovely."  ..... ttrue so far, but now comes the return journey by train :-( poor NS yesterday was apparently a Doomsday in the Netherlands, we had several delays and missed several train switches because there were 4 people at random from each other and different places who jumped in front of a train, including 3 practically on our route back home :-( ............. what inspires such people anyway, to jump in front of a train and therefore traumatizing that poor driver and the ones who have to clean up ........... sometimes people do things that are incredibly stupid and selfish ............. but anyway and therefore we only got home at 0 hours home yesterday and slept badly last night .... sigh overslept and wait for a colleague to CW :-( ........ now to pick up the everyday things  and ironing and cooking ... FB friends ..........have a nice day

I hardly know where to begin. I told him it was disrespectful and he changed his post to something that he thought was less bad but to me seemed equally narrow minded. I did not respond to that one. I didn't see the point. It made me really angry and sad at the same time. Someone else responded to his post as well, agreeing it was selfish and stupid etc. I don't understand how people can react like that. Someone felt so horrible that they felt the need to do something as desperate as that and they bitch about their trains running late? I've heard loads of people make these complaints. Someone decided the Dutch railway needed to clarify delays and now when someone jumps it's all over the boards: delay due to collision with a person. Sure, now we can't blame the NS (Dutch railway) for the delay but come one. Do they really have to spread out the sorrow like that, make everyone part it? I wonder if they have any idea how many people feel sick the rest of the day because of hearing something like that. When you think about it, it's not easy to hear at all. Someone was in pain, so much pain they decided to end their lives, and they wanted to be 100% sure they would succeed. Someone lost a son or a daughter. Someone lost a sibling, a loved one, a classmate, a college, a neighbor. And people sit in the train, sighing, I'm going to be home late and I'm hungry damnit! Why can't they just go and kill themselves at home? You wouldn't believe the things I've heard people say. I hardly believe it. Sometimes it takes quite a lot not to just punch them in the face.


There are two main reasons why this bothers me a lot. One is the fact that people don't seem to connect to each other anymore, which is probably also one of the reasons for some of the suicides. People think only about themselves. They don't think about helping each other. They don't see each other people's pain, or even when they do see it they don't feel inclined to do something about it. As long as it doesn't interfere with their daily lives they simply don't care. Stephen Jones said it on his album Almost Cured of Sadness in one of the interludes:
sadness does not have a home, you come home from a hard days work, the last thing you want to be confronted with is sadness, you want happiness at all cost, i don't care what you have to say, you tell me you just lost someone, people really don't give a shit, they want to hear a new song or something on TV, asshole, thats what it is, sadness does not have a home.

And it's true. We just want to watch what ever is hip and happening now. Bite sized entertainment. No personal connection. We watch the Barbie dolls parade around on TV and pretend we can all be like that if we just put on a plastic smile. We are losing our humanity. If you don't want people jumping in front of your train so you're late for the next America's Next Topmodel, maybe you should pay a bit more attention to the people around you and their needs. Maybe we should be a bit more courteous every now and then. Maybe we should say "sorry, are you okay?" next time we bump into someone instead of just thinking about ourselves and bitching at them. Maybe, if we had a minute of silence for the person who passed away on the trains instead of just the announcement that yes, we're all gonna be late for dinner, maybe there would be less people hurting. It might not seem like much, but if you pile up all the little things they become big things. The little things can sometimes make or ruin your day. Imagine what that could do on a larger scale.


The other thing is that I have been there. I never had the courage to jump in front of a train, else I wouldn't be here. And yes, it takes serious balls to do something like that. Imagine what kind of hell someone must be in to do something like that. But I have attempted suicide when I was younger, several times actually, up until my late 20's. I know to some extend how those people feel.  I have many friends who have been at that point and some whom I fear for still. I had a narrow escape and got lucky. I worked very hard to get out of that and there were times I didn't think I would make it. I still have bad days every now and then and wonder what the point to it all really is. But I keep fighting and things have gotten better. I will always keep on fighting. I can't do it alone though. I need a little help from my friends, colleges, teachers etc. And from people who bump into my in the streets and say sorry and ask if I'm okay instead of giving me an angry look telling me I'm in the way and shouldn't be there. So yes, that's you. When was the last time you held a door open for someone? When did you last pick something up for someone else when they dropped it right in front of you? When did you last say thank you and have a good day to someone working in a store? Have you ever said hello to the cleaning lady at all? These are small things that we all can do. They may seem meaningless but when you are in a bad place, it's little things like this that can help you hold on a little longer and decide that yes, life is worth fighting for. And for those who are not depressed, it would still make your day a whole lot sunnier, now wouldn't it?



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Tuesday, November 6, 2012

Fat loss vs muscle gain vs...

A lot of people want to know if it's possible to lose fat and gain muscle at the same time. The answer is yes, but also, it depends. If someone has much more fat that they should and are a non mover (as in sit on their butt all day as most of us do, let's be honest), then it is fairly easy to lose fat and gain muscle when you first start going to the gym and changing what you eat. I've seen it in plenty of people. They sign up at a gym, start moving and within 2 months they will have lost fat mass and gained muscle. But the closer you get to your ideal body composition the harder it gets to make changes. When you have too much fat your body will be glad to get rid of it. When you are weak your body will be glad to get stronger. But if you are already lean and fit, your body likes being there, so it is less likely to change much and you really need to push it to get results.


That's all fine and dandy but a lot of the people who want to know about fat loss versus muscle gain are already within healthy range. These are mostly men who want to look like some sort of Superman. Or at least like they could be on the cover of Health Magazine. Well, then there are two ways of doing it. Either you can bulk and shred, a well proven method in bodybuilding that has been tested for years and does work. It's not easy, demands a lot of discipline and facing the bulk period can be very hard for some people because it may look like you're just getting fat instead of getting strong. Then the cutting period where you focus on losing fat mass can be pretty intense as well. And then you have to manage to maintain. I don't even want to think about that.

The other way, which hardly anyone does, is taking it easy and building up really slow. The problem is that it takes years to get where you can get within months with the bulk/shred method. And if you have the HM image in your head as a goal, you don't want to get there in 5 years, you want to get there in 5 months, or 5 weeks. Hell, 5 days if you can. Yesterday would be even better. The question is why.


Why do we want to look like that? Why do we want a six-pack and arms bigger then our heads? Is it to prove we are real men? Being a man is how you feel, not what you look like. If you think you need to have a six-pack to be a real man you need to get your head checked. Is it the obesity pandemic? Do we feel the need to prove we are healthy by being supper shredded so our spouses don't need to worry we will get fat? Is it to pick up girls for a one night stand, for instant gratification? Or because it's the only way we can compete with others and our self esteem depends on pushing a few pounds more then the guy next to us in the gym? Is it because it makes us feel like we are in control? Or simply because the media tells us this is what a man should look like? Or could it be because we have lost contact with our bodies, just as much as the obese people have and we no longer know what our most natural, healthiest and therefor happiest state really is?


I always feel like the outside should reflect the inside, not the other way around. So instead of trying to push your body into an idea someone else dreamed up, maybe you should take a good look at who you really are and what suits you best. If you take good care of your body it will live up to its potential. Stay true to your own body type which should give an indication of what your body will be good at and will enjoy. Don't deny yourself a bit of fun. Besides, recent studies have shown that most women don't like guys who are too muscular. It's like those huge plastic surgery boobs. Bigger sounds better but when it comes down to it, we really don't know what to do with them, do we? Same goes for too much muscle. If it's not functional, and it gets pretty boring after a while.


 


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Friday, November 2, 2012

How do you know?

 
 
With all the knowledge I have been spreading lately people tend to ask me: how do you know? It's actually quite simple. I read it somewhere. And then I read it somewhere else as well. And saw it on a documentary. And another one. And heard it from some people and talked to them about their experience with it. And then I took all that information and used my common sense (which doesn't seem to be too common these days) to see what would be most likely to be true and what would most likely be commercial nonsense. And then I applied it to my own daily life to see what would happen. And then, then I would tell people: hey look, this is a good idea, or a bad one. That's how I know all these things.

Of course, I don't know everything. I research the things I'm curious about first. Things that apply to my own life more directly. Like the gluten thing. I'm so glad I cut out grains all together because my body responds so positively to it, I can not imagine going back to eating grains. There are other topics I am curious about, like yoga and meditation, or the effect of light in a workspace, about the most effective core training, the fabric of space and time and the perfect brownie recipe. But I can't read up on everything at the same time. So I'm doing things bit by bit. I think it was Buddha who said: live every day as if it's your last, learn every day as if you'll live for ever. So that's what I try to do. I keep learning, gathering information and sharing it with the people around me so they can benefit from that knowledge as well without having to put in all that time. I love learning. I'm a real nerd when it comes to that. Learning is one of the best things there are in life. And it's not that hard. All you have to do is listen to your body, or click a link, or pick up the paper and not just read it and stop there, but think about it. Think about if it's really true what they say and why. And there you have your wonder. And from wonder comes inquisition and then comes knowledge and we all know where that leads. It empowers us to become stronger, happier people. So next time your body does something you don't like, don't just take an aspirin. Ask yourself why it's doing that and if you can change it. Because if your body is functioning as best as it can, life becomes easier in so many ways. It's the little things that add up in the end.


If there are any topics you are curious about and you think I might know something about them, don't hesitate to ask. If I do know something about it or am curious about it myself anyway I'll see if I can do a bit more research on it and write a blog about it.




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