Tuesday, December 24, 2013

My uterus and I.

My uterus and I haven't been getting along for quite a while. I'm not completely sure when it started. When I was on the pill as a teenager and in my early twenties I would get my period like clockwork. Tuesday afternoon at 2pm. But when I got a girlfriend I quit taking the pill and my period disappeared. Later I learned it was probably because of my low weight and the fact that I wasn't eating enough. In my mid twenties I started eating a bit more for a while and my period came back. We have been arguing ever since. I never knew when she would wave a red flag nor if she meant it. So eventually I got a coil, hoping to settle things once and for all. Or at least for a few years. No such luck. She still pops up every now and then but never in full bloom.
Now I have started testosterone things have not calmed down at all. In addition there are sharp pains or cramps as I feel my uterus shrinking. She's not going down without a fight.

A uterus is a woman's greatest asset. It's her crown jewel. It brings forth life. But in my case, she is an adversary. She reminds me of what I am and what I am not. Of what I will never be. Every time she cramps up it feels as of she mocks me. She holds back my masculinity. Over the years she has forced me into a shape I never wanted. She has made my life miserable. If all goes well she will be out of my life for good in as little as 4 months. It will be a little bit of death, and a rebirth. I can't wait.
In the mean time, I'm not getting any jewels back. I will be permanently infertile. I will never be able to have children. Then again, I'm 35 and not in a solid relationship where children are even an option. I never even wanted kids in the first place. So this shouldn't be a big deal, right? This is simply moving forwards. A logical step. Nothing to it. Alas, that is not how it works. Having the choice to not have children is different from not having a choice anymore. I know, having been born female bodied, the choice is pretty much over anyway. But my sister is 2 years older then me and is now having her second child. I'm happy for her. We hadn't expected it to happen but it did. So of the still got a chance at her age, why shouldn't I?
But wait, I didn't want kids, right? Right. So why is this a big deal again?
I have been thinking about this and I think it has to do with mortality and the meaning of life. If you have children a bit of you lives on in them when you die. If you don't have children you have to find a different way to impact the world. That's it in a nutshell. A lot of people try to live through their children. It's not always a good idea but it happens all the time. They hope their children will do all the things they never did, for whatever reason they may have had. Their children can compensate for their mistakes. They can undo their wrongs. When you don't have kids, you have to do all of that on your own. That's pretty big. This means that making the permanent decision to not have children automatically results in making the decision to live my life for me and me alone. That I have to do everything myself. That I can not rely on someone to make up for the things I didn't do.
Feel free to accuse me of thinking too much for my own good. I won't deny it.
Another thing is the social implication. Life exists purely to sustain itself. Procreating is the most important thing there is. We have copied that in our social structures. You can see this in any society. Children provide status and security. If you do not have children you are pitied. People generally find it hard to believe that some people don't want to have children. They don't understand why someone would not want to have children. I don't feel the need to defend myself as to why I don't want them, that's up to me and me alone. Often people assume you're just saying that because you don't have the option. But if you actually can't have them, then you truly are pitied indeed. And that is the last thing I need. I don't want this status attached to me of poor transperson who had to give up children. That is not the case. But I know some people that I will meet will think that way because it is easier for them then to accept the fact that I chose to live my life for myself instead of trying to live it through someone else. This might make me not a good living creature, but it doesn't make me a bad person. I think a lot of people would be happier if they focused a bit more on what they would like to do with their lives instead of putting pressure on their kids to have better grades then the neighbor's kids. If you want that's best for your children, don't you think setting an example on how to be happy with yourself would be more valuable then comparing them to others?
Final conclusion: it's time for me and my uterus to part ways. After all, you usually regret the things you didn't do more then the things you did do.

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Monday, December 16, 2013

Oh my.... size.

People generally agree I have gotten bigger in a good way. They say I look impressive, strong. When I look at the statistics they are right. I have gained over 2kg of muscle since I started testosterone and have lost over 3kg of fat. The difference is noticeable. On a good day I would agree I look pretty good. Most days however, I disagree. Most days I feel like I look scrawny. I feel my arms are way too thin and my shoulders too narrow. This is a very strange thing. Let me show you why.




The picture on the left is me, 6 years ago. When I took that picture I felt huge! There was way too much of me and I wanted to disappear. My eating disorder never had anything to do with wanting to be pretty. I simply felt there was something wrong with me and the less there was of me the less wrong I was. A strange construct but it made sense when I came up with it at age 7.
The picture on the right I took this morning. Again, it is impossible to be objective about it. I'm not sure how I feel, but I know it's not what it should be. Part of the problem is obvious. The boobs. They have to go. They get in the way of the rest of me. It's like all of me is hiding behind those boobs. Maybe that's why I feel the rest of me should be bigger. Not just generally bigger, but specifically muscular bigger. Manly.
But that's not the only problem. For a very long time I was very thin. Part of me always knew that, even if there was too much left still. It was part of my identity. And now I am letting that go. More then that. I am actively getting as big and strong as my body wants to be. I'm allowing my body to grow towards it full potential. I know I should be bigger. I know I should allow myself to take up space. There's the thing: taking up space. I used to feel that was such an awful thing to do. And now I am allowing myself to take up space it feels like I'm still not getting enough of it. I need more. I need to be present. I need to manifest myself. I need to stand like a mountain.
I might be over compensating. I am aware of that. But I think it is a natural process that you need to go through. After denying myself for so long I really need to say: here I am, not just to others, but mostly to myself. This is a part of my transition that is more mental then physical, though it may seem to be the other way around. By letting my body change I am slowly letting go of who I used to think I was supposed to be and growing into my own. It's a slow and painful process. Something that doesn't hit the surface much but is still there, constantly rearing it's head. These are the growing pains. Every time I look in the mirror I hope to see myself. On a good day now I do. I'm hoping there will be more and more of those to come.

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Thursday, November 28, 2013

Man up! Movember versus Decembeaver.

I always have a bunch of tabs open in my browser. I keep some tabs because they are articles I still want to read or a video I want to watch, or because I want to write something on that topic, like the next two video links:




I have had them open for almost 2 weeks now and I have been thinking about what it was really that bothered me so much about decembeaver. Even if it is a joke to raise awareness for Movember I know there will be a lot of people who will take it seriously. I mean, there are people who thought they had really found mermaids.

And then I found this link:

And that's when it hit me. I realized what this was about: male emancipation. There is such a thing? Well, there should be. We're working on it, but it's a very slow process. The reason being that most people think we don't need it. People think that men have always been the dominant, and therefor privileged, gender. We are supposed to be the stronger sex. But are we? Do we not bleed if you cut us? Why yes, we actually do. We do have feeling and we do get hurt but we are not allowed to express that. Showing sign of weakness means you are not a real man. The pressure is huge and depression among men is much more common then people think. Men are not likely to get help because this means admitting you are weak. Even admitting this to yourself is a huge challenge for most.
The ironic thing about humans is that they invented the word inhumane. It applies to humans only. Animals are not inhumane. They are simply animals. But humans are capable of cruelty beyond compare. In the meantime there is a quality that is widely spread in the animal kingdom. It's called compassion. It's quite an amazing thing. What you do is you protect and support an individual that is weaker then you are. I'm pretty sure people are capable of it too. They call it acting humane then. It's pretty much the opposite of bullying. Pretty cool huh? But what do men get when they show weakness? They are told to Man Up! And with that they are denied compassion, something I believe to be a primal need for a social species like ours.
The reason why I like the Movember movement so much is that it shows men that it is okay to talk about their health in a way that wasn't possible before. Admitting there are serious health risks in men's lives is admitting that men are not untouchable. That they do have weakness and they do need to be cared for, by themselves and by others. This is a huge step. Even the way Movember came into existence is a clear example of how difficult it is for men to talk about these kind of things. Prostate cancer kills about just as many men as breast cancer kills women and not a single man has had (excuse the pun) the balls to stand up and battle this publicly, raising awareness and creating support. Because men's illness is something you don't talk about. But now we finally do. About bloody time.
And then what happens? Ladies, don't get me wrong. I'm totally okay with you not shaving what ever part of your body you want to. I really don't care. But this counter move pisses me off. Men finally have something that helps them talk about serious life and death issues and it is trivialized by making it about growing hair in a place you don't like. The mustache is becoming a symbol for men's health. We are finally able to talk about these things and you are making us feel stupid by saying: oh we can grow hair too if we want. Let us have this! We need this. And you can say men already run the world and we owe you but this is serious. We are talking about human lives here that are at risk. Show some respect, please. If you want to grow hair somewhere, by all means, go ahead. It's your body and you can do with it what ever you want. Just let us have Movember.


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Tuesday, November 26, 2013

So how is the transition coming along then?

Well, there is good news and there is bad news. The good news is that, according to my therapist, I should be able to get surgery in spring 2014. The bad news is that my insurance company claims they won't cover it unless I get it done at the VUmc. This would mean an extra year on the waiting list. And that is not an option. Why? Because it just isn't. I'm going mental as it is. Waiting 5 or 6 months seems like an eternity already. Waiting an extra year feels like a life time. What am I supposed to do all that time? Sit at home and twiddle my thumbs? Once I have had the surgery I can start building my life again. I can move on. As long as I haven't had it my whole life is about my gender. And it sucks. I know a lot of people think this is a very exciting time but it's not. Mostly it just sucks.

There are good days when I look in the mirror and think I am starting to look like me. There are bad days when I feel like throwing up while I'm not even looking. The more I am getting to terms with being a guy, the less I like my body. I used to really hate my body and had anorexia for years but that was just a general 'I hate myself and wish I didn't exist' kind of thing. Now it is much more focused. I know very well what it is about my body that is wrong. Before I had been able to pinpoint the problem the hatred was more defused and aimed at my body and myself in broader terms. I wasn't sure what was wrong so I figured if I make everything go away I must be hitting the right spot at some point. But now I do know what is wrong and I know how to fix it. But they won't let me. I spent most of my twenties as a mental patient trying to figure this out and now I finally have the answer they tell me I have to wait. I really can't.

Some people say: but it's the inside that matters, right? It's not about how you look, it's about how you feel. That's nice. That's really nice. But it's also completely useless when it comes to this. We all know that the way you look influences the way you feel. Much more then we would like to admit. And every time I am confronted with my body (read my boobs) I feel horrible. This doesn't just happen in the shower. It is constantly there. Binders are uncomfortable to say the least. They restrain you in your movement, your breathing, and are a constant reminder of the fact that you are hiding a part of you that is not supposed to be there. I hate wearing binders and at home I sometimes don't because feeling the binder can sometimes be worse then wearing a tight shirt to keep things in place with a wide vest over it so I don't have to see the shape. Having them there just feels wrong. I have this voice in the back of my head telling me that I'm not really a man, just look at my chest. That's just wrong. No way I could ever expect to be a real man looking like that. What on earth am I thinking? I want to be a boy? Really? What an absurd idea. I must be insane. It simply can not be done. I have carried this voice with me for about 30 years now. And I need it to shut up. It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to vomit. It makes me want to shred myself to pieces. I can't wait an extra year for surgery. I need to get out of this cage and set myself free.

I will find a way to get my insurance to cover for the surgery and if they really won't I can switch in January. If no insurance company  will take me because of this I'll find another way to get it done. I only need about 40,000 euro's or so. Anybody want to buy a painting?


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Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Can I keep donating blood?

A few days ago I came across this video:



This morning I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. Every time you donate you have to fill out a form, checking yes or no for a bunch of questions. Among those questions are: for men: have you ever had sex with another man? And for women: in the past 12 months, have you had sex with a man who has ever had sex with another man? As you can see the idea that "gay blood" still has a higher risk of being contaminated still lingers in The Netherlands as well. The Dutch LGBT rights organization, the COC, asked questions about this to our government and they are currently debating the issue. They have been for about 7 years now. When asked for an update on this we get  a general reply of: we're working on it, it takes time. Latest news I could find was from november 2012.
Personally, I don't think this should be much of an issue. The risks of gay or bisexual men are close to the same here as for straight people. And even if you are taking risks, the screening fro the blood is very good these days and if there is something wrong the chances that they will notice are close to 100% now. About 8% of the population is gay. I know a lot of gay men who are willing to donate blood. And there is always a shortage. Why not allow them to donate? Do you really care who's blood it is when you are dying? Would you rather die then get a gay man's blood?
As a female to male transgender, I seem to have a bit of a problem though. Which box do I tick? Right now I am still officially registered as female at the blood bank but at some point that will change. What do I do then? If they still ask those questions by then, and they probably will, I will suddenly no longer be allowed to donate. Nothing has changed. At least, my official gender will have changed. But none of my actions will have changed. I am not at a greater risk of getting AIDS. Actually I'm not dating anyone right now but I have had sex with men in the past. And the form says: have you EVER had sex with a man. And yes, I have. So officially, I'm not allowed to donate. This makes me rather angry. I'm trying to help. I'm trying to save peoples lives. And because I am being myself I am suddenly no longer allowed to do that. It's a very strange world we live in. However, I will continue to donate for as long as I can and I encourage others to do the same. You never know when you or a loved one will be on the receiving end.


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Sunday, November 10, 2013

How to look like me?

I have been reading a book a friend of mine gave me for my birthday. It's a book by a fashion photographer. The book contains photo's of people he met on the street that fascinated him because they had style. I started reading it because I thought maybe I could find something in there that I would like and could adopt. Going through a transition like I do, going from girl to boy, is a bit of a rude awakening. You get stripped down to the core and then you're left standing there and you have to figure everything out all over again. Who am I? Who is that person looking back at me in the mirror? I had hoped this book would give me some ground rules as to what a guy is supposed to look like.
Just to be clear, 99% of the book consists of photographs. I still call it reading though. It's a much more universal language. And what those photo's were telling me was: there are no rules. You can wear anything you like as long as you own it, as long as it's you. Initially that really pissed me off. I had hoped to find some sort of starting point, a clue as for what to do, where to start or something to aim for. Later I realized I was looking for someone who looked like me. I looked at every picture thinking: is this me? And every time the answer was the same: no. Why? because there is only one person that looks like me and that is me. Or at least, there should be one person who looks like me. And that's the problem. Because when I look in the mirror I don't see me. Not yet anyway. I had been looking for a shortcut. But in life there are no shortcuts. Everything worth doing is worth doing right and the only way to do this right is by taking the long road, the road I haven't traveled yet.
There is a rule though. Just one. It's very simple, very basic and it's the trick all those people in those pictures probably used. You can wear anything as long as it's you. So that means you should only have items of clothing in your closet that you really like, that are really you. Then you can walk in there blindfolded and come out looking fantastic because what ever you pull on is you. I recently dumped two garbage bags of clothing but my closet isn't empty by far. But when I take a good look at it, if I would have to pick out the items I really like, that I really feel comfortable in, that make me feel good about myself, I come up with one shirt and a pair of jeans. That's all. Okay, maybe a handful of sleeveless shirts but that's it. So what do I do? The fact that I still have boobs (or moobs really) doesn't help with the way I feel about how I look. I'm hoping things will get better once I have had my surgery but that doesn't change the fact that I still don't look like me in most of the clothes I own. I mentioned to a friend last night that I'd rather own 5 shirts that I feel comfortable in then 20 that I don't like. So maybe I should stick to my word and actually just wear the few clothes that I do like or at least throw out the stuff that makes me feel silly when I wear it. I wonder how many people actually do that. Just wear what they really like instead of just wearing what they are used to for what ever reason. Clothing is such a huge part of your identity. So much more then most people realize. I'm really curious about how I will look a year from now, after the surgery and once I have found some money to buy some new clothes. I can't wait.




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Tuesday, November 5, 2013

This is harder then I thought.

This is harder then I thought. I figured I'm fit and healthy and have everything pretty much sorted out. This whole transition thing should be a walk in the park. I couldn't have been more wrong.
Physically things really are a lot harder then I had expected. The fluctuations in my hormones the last 5 months have taken their toll and my reserves are pretty much gone. At some point, something has got to give. I have been dog tired for about a month now and I can't wait to make it through a day without falling asleep on the sofa. My strength, recovery speed and energy are all at an amazing low. My body constantly aches and I feel ill. Sure, I'm getting hairy, but that's about it right now. I do yoga every day which helps a bit. And I try to go to a BodyPump class 3 times a week but it's frustrating as hell. I have cut most of my weights in half and I still barely make it through the hour. By the time we get to track 8 I feel like throwing up. Doing nothing would drive me insane though. Hopefully things will slowly get better every time. Patience is a virtue.
I know I had already decided to quit teaching at the gym before my body flipped me the bird but being forced like this is very frustrating. It means I didn't get the change to say goodbye and close the chapter properly. Now it's still lingering in the back of my head. I'm finding it harder to let this go then I had expected. But maybe it's because right now I have to let go of a lot of things. Last weekend the Trans*-café had organized a clothing exchange. A lot of trans people find the need to change a huge chunk of their wardrobe all at once at some point so we figured this might help. I took 2 garbage bags full and came home with 2 shirts. I think that's a pretty good trade as I'm not 100% sure how I want to dress anyway. I just know how I don't want to dress; in a dress. As I was dragging those bags to the bar this feeling of emptiness came over me. I was closing a chapter, letting go, saying goodbye to a part of me that I wouldn't be getting back. And sure, I don't want it back. It was part of a mask that I wore for a long time. But it was also part of me. That's what happens when you wear a mask for so long. You get used to it and it becomes part of your identity. And now I'm having to let that part go. I'm not sure what I am getting in return. I thought I had figured myself out but I hadn't. I just figured out what I didn't want. Now I have to figure out what I do want. Saying I want to paint is great but that's not every day life. That's not what stares back at me in the mirror every day. That's not what fixes lunch, or walks through town, or talks to my friends. It's much more basic. It's the little things, and the little things are a lot harder then the big things.
Right now I'm not sure how to figure out those little things. It's not like you can sit down and think about it until you have found an answer. These things happen gradually. So I am trying to make space for them to happen. I'm doing this by quiting teaching at the gym and taking a brake at the COC but also by cleaning out my house. I'm not much of a materialistic person to begin with but I'm still going through my closets and bookshelves to see what I want to keep and what can go. I feel your house should reflex who you are so I am stripping away those bits that don't fit me. Slowly, but surely. Then I'll just wait and see what happens, what fills the gaps. I wish I could move to a different place so I can start over but that's not an option right now. I'll just have to make due with what I have, just like with my body. The most important changes happen inside my head anyway.


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Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Well, something is happening. (testosterone level should be good now)

Well, I was right. My doctor called last week and confirmed that my testosterone was too low. It was 9.9 in the morning while it should be between 11 and 30. Between 15 and 18 is ideal. And since it drops during the day 9.9 to start with is not enough. No wonder I was changing back. So now I'm at 20mg of gel a day and my body is reacting all right. Holly smokes.

The first two weeks I didn't notice much change but it takes time to get to the right level. And then I got the flu. Usually that means I'm in bed for 2 days and then it takes me another 3 to pull myself together. That's all. It's been over a week now and I still feel far from fit. I spend 12 hours a night in bed and fall asleep on the sofa several times a day. My body is sore all over. My muscles, joints and tendons hurt. I'm hungry and light headed but I have trouble eating. I don't really feel nauseous but my stomach still protests when I try to eat. As a result I ate a lot of crap last week and gained fat which I'm not happy about. Yes, I'm sure, I got measured last Monday. What's even more frustrating is that I'm not gaining any muscle so I have no idea why everything hurts so much. I have to admit I haven't been to the gym in over a week either. All I can manage is a bit of yoga at home and that's all. When I did go to get measured I just sat in the sauna for a bit and went home.

Something is happening though and it is taking up a lot of energy. My concentration is terrible and having a hard time getting anything done. Typing this is taking a lot longer then it should as well. Three cheers for the spelling checker. I'm really curious about what is happening inside of me. On the surface I don't see much happening. Maybe it's in my head, the change. A friend of mine asked if I noticed any difference in thinking. She was referring to the idea that women tend to have a wider horizon while men tend to focus on single goals more. Both valid strategies, just very different. And to be honest, I have been looking at things a bit differently lately. I have been thinking about long term goals a lot more and about the things that I do that do not contribute to those goals. By weeding those out I am making more space for my bigger goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am purely thinking this way because of the testosterone. It might be helping, but it would be weird to say that that's the reason. I think the main reason why I am able to say to myself that yes, this really is what I want to aim for and yes, I can and will do it, is because I am turning into me. Until now I was constantly busy trying to be something I wasn't and trying to convince myself and the rest of the world that I was succeeding at that. This meant that trying to be a good girl came first before anything. It took up so much space there wasn't any room left for me. And now that burden has lifted and suddenly I don't have any excuses anymore to not pursue my dreams. And what is it that I want? I want to paint. It's as simple as that. But it's not all. I want my work to be in the frecking MoMa and the Tate and Booijmans. So yeah, that's kinda big. But lots of other people have managed it, so why not me? I'll never know if I can make it until I try.



Here's a little detail of one of the paintings I have been working on lately.






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Sunday, October 13, 2013

Coming Out Day 2013

Last Friday was Coming Out Day. Here is a short summery of Coming Out Day in Leiden, The Netherlands. The text is in Dutch. I'm proud to be part of this organization.



The idea is to raise awareness and help create a safer environment for LGBT people. Some of you may wonder, do we need to? I happened to be at a school that day to talk to the kids about discrimination, being different, and LGBT issues. According to the statistics there should be close to 100 gay students at that school. They knew about 4. Of course at that age a lot of people are not aware yet that they are gay. During puberty there is a lot to explore and sexuality is only on aspect of your personal development during that age.

The stereotypes we see in the media don't help. I still can't think of any Disney movie that has a gay main character. Most gay people in tv shows are quite extreme. Else it doesn't make good tv, right? But that is what people see and think they should be if they are gay. Most of us LGB and even T people don't stand out like that. Most of us are really boring to be honest. We are normal. We just happen to love someone we can't reproduce with. Though luck. But those kids don't know that yet. They don't know gay people are normal and can have any shape possible, just like the rest of the world.
When I was growing up I somehow had this idea that a transsexual was a desperate gay man who wanted to be with another man so much he was willing to give up his penis in order to get it. Crazy of course, but that's what I thought. So there was no way I would apply the idea of transexuality to myself. It took me 33 years to figure out that transsexuals can go from female to male as well and, yes, I am one too. I was surprised when I found out. Me? Really? But I'm... Okay, I might not be the most boring person on the planet but I'm not some deranged freak, right? Right. I'm not. And most other trans or gay people aren't either. I was actually a bit shocked to realize I had been thinking that way. That someone like me, who considered himself open minded and gay friendly would still hold on to such backwards stereotypes. But I did. Because I didn't know it could be different. And I'm not the only one who has this problem. That's why education is so important.
Around that age about half of the kids have figured it out though. They do know they are gay but choose not to come out. Why? They don't feel safe. They are afraid they will be treated differently on grounds that are not relevant to the situation. Yes, that's the definition of discrimination. To treat someone differently on grounds that are not relevant. They are afraid they will be bullied, they will be cast out. Some of the kids respond there is no need to be afraid, that the kids who did come out aren't being bullied either so they should be fine too. But it's not that simple. Because someone in a different class who is a few years older doesn't get picked on doesn't mean you'll be fine. It also doesn't mean your parents are going to be okay with it. Or the kids at soccer. Etc. Education starts at school, but safety is much bigger then that. I'm hoping we can educate the next generations and wipe out homophobia that way but it will take time. What I do know is that there are a whole bunch of kids right now that know that transsexuals are not just desperate, deranged gay men but look just like normal people. I hope I will have helped at least one person to come to terms with who they are just a bit easier and in less then 33 years time. I know my life would have been quite different if we had had Coming Out Day when I was growing up.

If you live in or near Leiden and you want to be part of the movement we are actively looking for more people to help us educate the next generations. More details here.


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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Oh my... Voice.

Today it is exactly 4 months since I started on testosterone. I'm hoping I finally have my dosage right. It does feel like it but I will have to wait quite a while before any blood tests will confirm this. So right now I'm just hoping for the best.

Of course things have been changing. Little things but noticeable things. At least, that's what people tell me. You walk around in your own body 24/7 so sometimes it's hard to tell. That's why you need a little help every now and then. Especially with your voice because it sounds totally different in your heard. Everyone that isn't used to hearing their own voice recorded thinks it sounds weird outside their head. And when your voice lowers you first feel it vibrating in your chest. After a while you get used to it and you don't feel it anymore. But first you get the impression your voice sounds super deep and heavy, even if the difference is minor. So let's hear it then and see if there is a difference.

This first link goes to the interview a friend if mine did with me the summer of 2012. Long before I started treatment and I was only just starting my journey. I still had a lot of questions and wasn't sure where I was going yet. I had only just come out and had no clear idea of what was going to happen.


This second link is from a radio interview I did with Chris, my college at Noodweer, for the radio. So there's no pictures alas. But you can hear the difference. It's not much, but it is something. I start talking at 1:24. The first person is the interviewer of course and the second voice is Chris.

It's still the same voice, only different. It's the same with everything. It's still me, only different. The changes are small but significant. I'll post some mugshots later. Don't expect too much because that too is only a small difference. But enough to make it count.

Let me know what you think. I'm always curious how other people see these things.

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Monday, September 30, 2013

Still no cigar.

Since I started hormone treatment I have been getting my measurements done at the gym every week. I keep track of my muscle and fat mass to see how my body is responding. For a while my testosterone was too high and was being turned into estrogen. The result was a slow decrease in muscle and a slow rise in fat. The logical response was to lower my testosterone. First I went from 50mg to 30 mg but it was still too high. So my doctor suggested to cut back to 10mg. I thought that was a bit drastic but he didn't tell me in his voicemail how high it was so I had no idea how high my testosterone was. I figured he probably knew what he was doing. Alas, now it is too low. Last week my muscle mass spiked and my fat mass dropped, both by over a kilo. Clearly I had hit a sweet spot with my testosterone level for a short while. But it didn't last. My levels dropped even further and are now too low. This week I gained back even more fat then I lost last week and lost over a kilo of muscle again. Such rapid muscle loss can only be explained by low testosterone. So I need to go back up. I am getting blood work done tomorrow and will have to wait 2 weeks for the results. I'm not going to wait that long to increase my testosterone though. After my visit to the hospital I will go up to 20mg a day and see what happens with my muscle and fat mass.

I had really hoped the dosage was correct this time. Building muscle and burning fat takes up energy. And having to undo that work also takes up energy. The human body is not meant to be on a roller coaster like that. It's simply not healthy. Other then that, it's not good for my mood. Seeing my body changing the wrong way is highly frustrating when you're eating and training correctly. And then there are the effects on your mood in general. Hormones have such a huge influence on how you feel. While I was feeling more energetic for a few days now I'm really tired and quite down. I have no appetite at all while I could eat a horse a week ago. Right now I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I feel terrible. Once I increase the testosterone again I'll get restless again, agitated and won't be able to sleep. I'll still feel tired but in a different way. It will be because my body needs a lot of energy to grow again. I'm not looking forward to it. I just want this whole thing to be over. All this going up and down, up and down, it's driving me nuts. I'm running around in circles, not getting anywhere. I want to move forward. Again, time to cross our fingers and hope 20 is my lucky number. Let's see what happens.

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Thursday, September 19, 2013

Testosterone is still too high.

My doctor left me a voice mail to let me know my testosterone level is still too high. He didn't say how high exactly but I'm guessing he really means way too high. He wants me to go down to using 10mg of gel a day. Normal dose is 50mg. I even know someone who uses 100mg. It seems like my skin is just super thin and absorbent. You can't really go lower then 10mg so I really hope this will do the trick. It feels almost silly rubbing that tiny bit on. I'll just have to wait and see what happens. I will get bloodwork done again after two weeks and then have to wait another two weeks for the results.
Having lowered my dosage I had assumed it was fine and I figured the way I was feeling was due to stress. I have been taking some more time to myself though and it hasn't helped much. My energy levels are still low. I have trouble sleeping. I feel restless. And the nausea is still there. The excess testosterone is being turned into estrogen which probably explains the change in my body composition. Where I was gaining muscle and losing fat at first, it is now the other way around. Not very drastic, but consistent every week: a bit more fat and a bit less muscle. And that while I am working out plenty and am eating as best as I can, keeping close track on my nutrients. For a while I thought it might be because I wasn't getting enough rest to recover but now I am getting more rest things have not improved. I'm hoping lowering my testosterone will help.
It has been 3 days since I cut back to 10mg and so far I don't feel any difference. I actually feel a bit flu-ish but I have been feeling like that for weeks now. I really hope that will get better soon as well. It's driving me nuts. My body is clearly off balance. It's not very surprising. A lot is changing and it needs to find a new equilibrium. Right now my body is still fighting the hormones my ovaries are making. This doesn't make it any easier. I have been thinking about it again and right now I'm really leaning towards also getting a hysterectomy when I get my chest done. That way my body doesn't have to fight itself anymore. And then I can really move forward. It feels scary though. From what I heard from other transmen the hysterectomy is mostly heavy mentally. It's a big step. But right now I feel like it would be the best thing to do to find a proper balance. Of course, my body will have to reset hormonally again after that but then everything will be done. I'm dreading the recovery period. Not being able to go to the gym will suck. Not being able to do all the things I want to do, not being able to carry my own bloody shopping the first few days... But it will be worth it. The longer I'm on hormones the more I feel like my chest and belly are wrong. They don't fit me. They're not part of me. They don't belong there. It's strange. When I have clothes on I look more and more like myself. But when I take them off I look less and less like myself. There is only one way to fix that though. And I have to be patient for that. Right now all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and figure out what to make for dinner. I think I'll have chicken.

On a lighter note: I have had my last meeting for my screening at the VUmc in Amsterdam. I can call them November 8th to see if I have green light on hormone treatment so I can start my Real Life Experience phase there. A year after that I will be able to have surgery there. This is a long time away and I don't even want to think about that. It's my safety net in case my insurance won't accept the referral from the Psycho Informa Group. I really hope they will because then I might be able to get surgery as soon as May. *crosses more fingers, and toes and what every available*

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Monday, September 2, 2013

Change of plans. (more food/gym stuff)


When will I ever shut up about food and gym related things? Probably never. Sculpting the perfect body is something that takes a lot of time. It is a custom job every time. Every body is different so you have to figure out what works for you. There are always exceptions to every sound rule. Sometimes the theory may be correct for most cases but, since the body is not a machine, it is possible you react different to something. You just have to figure out if you really are an exception, you're doing it wrong, if there are other factors that are influencing your results, or if you haven't taken enough time.

 
In my case it's either the exception indeed or there other factors. I'm talking about the cheat days for the Man 2.0 program. I do know I have a concentration disorder and that could be a factor. I still haven't completely figured out concentration disorders (I'm not a medical researcher alas) but I do know carbohydrates have a big influence on them. The idea of a cheat day is to boost fat burning hormones by eating loads and loads for one day, including a ton of carbohydrates. It's actually a really old trick in the book. People have been using that trick for ages. It works. For most people. Not for me though. I gained fat mass and lost muscle 2 weeks in a row. The opposite of the goal. I also felt horrible. The cheat days themselves were hell. The day after even worse. And it took me pretty much the rest of the week to recover and get my energy back. I felt dead tired and didn't have the energy to use the strength I had.
I have to admit things have been rather stressful lately with work in various ways so that could have something to do with it. A friend suggested it might be I'm spending too much time at the gym but that is not the case. I haven't been to Kung Fu in 3 weeks which makes me sad because I really miss it. I also haven't been doing any regular fitness. The program said I should do lots of reps with relatively low weight. That's the same type of training that focuses on red muscle tissue as you do during BodyPump which I teach so I have just been doing BodyPump. It felt silly to do the same training twice in a row. It doesn't give you the wanted results anyway. It actually would just damage my body. So that's not it. Stress and lack of sleep could be major contributers. Also I haven't been eating like I should. I had been keeping track of my marco's (fat, protein and carbohydrates) but had been too tired to cook and just ate the bare minimum, replacing meals with protein shakes. So I haven't been getting my vitamins and minerals. No wonder I'm not feeling too great.

 
But even without all those other things the cheat days made me feel poisoned and I'm sure my body just does not agree with such amounts of carbohydrates. I have always had trouble with my energy levels and concentration when I eat too much carbs. They make me feel tired and depressed. I'm pretty sure the cheat days aided to the miserable state I am in right now. I am never, ever doing it again. It just does not work for me. Right now my body feels polluted and drained of energy. I was supposed to have one last cheat day last Sunday but I skipped it. I did eat unhealthy but didn't keep track of what I ate and to be honest I'm not even sure if I reached my normal caloric need. I just couldn't be bothered.

 
Today I am pulling myself together again and am setting up a new food plan. I am moving on to the next phase in the Man 2.0 program and am forcing myself to cook today. I've had Indonesian spiced beef with bell peppers and a salmon salad with avocado and olives so far. I'm having some of that gluten free pasta that I still have left in the evening with chicken, tomato, mushroom sauce. I'm taking the day off from the gym as I have had very little sleep this weekend and am dead tired. There is no point in trying to lift heavy weights when I have trouble lifting my own body out of a chair. So tomorrow I will start training again. I hope I can undo the damage quickly and will be feeling fit and healthy again soon.

 
I do find it amazing how different people react to things like this. The theory is sound. It really is. It just doesn't work for me. Let's just say I'm special. I don't think it has anything to do with me being trans. This should be a universal thing. I did learn a lot. Especially the first cheat day was very insightful. But I also know I should be keeping carbs low, period. Every one needs carbs and I will not ban them completely, but I will limit them a lot more then most people. Now on to health! Time to fix dinner.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

Cheat day 2. Oh my!

Last Sunday I had my second cheat day. If you want to know why I'm doing this and how the first cheat day went, check THIS blog post.

This time I went for complex carbs as in starches. I was hoping I would feel less bad eating slow carbs and to some extend I was right. My concentration wasn't as bad as the week before. I also didn't feel so incredibly hungry all the time. Since I was aiming to eat close to 7000 calories that was actually a problem. The first time I was hungry all the time so I would continue to eat. This time I had to remind myself. I also felt full quite a lot. I absolutely love sushi but it really does make you feel full so I had to stop eating and wait for a while before I could continue. I found gluten/wheat free cookies and ate 4 packs of different types during the day. Those were relatively easy to munch away on but I really noticed they did have processed sugars in them as I would get a sharp headache after eating them. Luckily that would go away after a while again and didn't linger like it had the week before. I also didn't feel shaky. I just felt full. Really full. In the evening I made gluten free pasta with tomato sauce. I could not get it down. I really tried but I just couldn't manage it. I felt so full and was afraid that if I would force myself to eat it I would throw up. I managed some more crisps but not all of them either. In the end I ate 5,716 calories which was 1,200 calories less then the week before.
In some ways it was the total opposite of the week before. I didn't have sharp headaches. I didn't feel shaky and dizzy. I didn't feel insanely hungry. I did feel full, really full. Where my insides felt toxic the first week this time they felt sticky and filthy. My bowels were not happy at all. When I went to bed and laid down I had a hard time not throwing up. Again it took ages to fall asleep and I woke up a bunch of times. I didn't sweat as much as the week before though so that was less bad.

The day after was also different in some ways but the final result was pretty much the same: I felt horrible. In the morning I just had a dull headache which was better then the sharp one I had the week before. I managed to stop by the hospital to get some blood work done without much trouble. I felt tired and groggy but nothing I couldn't handle. But when I came home early afternoon I pretty much collapsed. I started feeling really shaky and faint and dead tired. I ended up on the sofa for 2 hours before I managed to make myself a cup of tea. And I started to feel hungry. The first time I had no trouble not eating the next day but this time I actually got worried I would fall over if I didn't eat something. In the end I gave in and had some nuts. I still had a meeting in the evening so I couldn't just go to bed. Maybe it was because I had eaten 1,200 calories less then I had aimed for. Maybe my entire system just backfired. Or maybe your body just wants you to keep on eating again the next day to get in as much carbs as possible before winter comes.
Fast sugars were somewhat worse on the day itself but less bad the day after. Slow sugars were not too bad on the day itself, though at the end it got somewhat unpleasant, but the day after was horrible. If I would have to choose which one to do again I would prefer not to at all. They were both terrible in their own ways. In reality most people combine these two types of food and I can see how that can create some sort of balance and a vicious cycle. I also felt how unhealthy it is and can cause a lot of damage in the long run. The human body is not meant to do this every day.
Next week I am going to try to do this Paleo style. I'm not sure yet how I will manage to get in enough carbs that way but I am going to try. I should probably check my friends page on facebook . She has loads of Paleo recipes for desserts and such. Like Paleo apple pie! And Paleo brownies! Now that I am looking forward to. If it doesn't contain enough carbs I'll just add a spoon of honey. I'm sure I can live with that.

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha.

Five weeks ago I started a program called Man 2.0, engineering the Alpha. It's an American program designed for overweight non movers (people who don't work out and walk about 5000 paces a day). The goal is to lose fat mass of course but mostly it is meant to reset your hormones. It should boost testosterone, repress estrogen and cortisol (the stress hormone) and reset your hunger hormones and fat burning hormones. All in all it should make you feel fitter, stronger, more energetic and happier. It should also make you look better. I know that I have female plumbing but I also know that there are transmen who try to become more masculine all on their own, without synthetic hormones. And some of them succeed very well. I have noticed the synthetic testosterone that I am taking is still making me nauseas. Plus, it's a nuisance to have to remember it all the time. Most of all, I prefer not to be dependent on doctors and my insurance in order to be able to be myself. Right now my meds are still covered but they are cutting back on every possible thing here in Holland and I heard rumor that the psychiatry for the screening is on the shit list. The less medication I need the better. So I decided to try this program.

The first few weeks I just felt horrible. I talked to some friends about it who know quite a bit about this sort of stuff as well and realized I had forgotten a tiny detail: I'm not a non mover. Those 5000 steps a day I already spend inside my house. I don't have a car. I ride my bike to the gym or walk. I stand many hours a day. I also teach BodyPump, do kung fu and yoga. All those things count. If I would stick to the calories the program told me to I would have only 90 calories a day for all those activities, spending the rest on my basic metabolism (this is the energy you need to not die, as in keep your heart beating, breathing, that sort of thing). No wonder I wasn't feeling well. So I started eating more and indeed my fat mass dropped and my muscle increased.



The program is divided into 4 phases, each lasting one month. I am now in phase two which includes cheat days. During a cheat day basically you just binge all day long. The reason behind this is to boost certain hormones that become too low when you are eating a bit below your maintenance need, slowing down your fat loss. Most of the time you eat low carb (sugar) but this day it's all about the carbs. Normally I eat less then 100 grams of carbs a day which really isn't a lot. But on a cheat day you take in loads and loads. There are several ways to do this. I have 3 cheat days so I decided to try 3 different methods. Cheat day 1: processed sugars. Cheat day 2: slow carbs like starches. Cheat day 3: Paleo, eating lots of fruit and such. I wonder if I will feel different on different types of carbs.

So how did cheat day 1 go? And what did I eat? Here is the list:

25 g dark chocolate: 131 cals
250 g negerzoenen: 933 cals (Officially they are called zoenen these days as they used to be called nigger kisses and that was racist so they changed it. In the US I think they are called angel kisses. In Germany Schaumküsse. At least everyone agrees on the kissing part.)
4 tompoezen: 1152 cals (see right image)
600 g huzaren salad: 1020 cals
75 g white chocolate: 406 cals
216 g nougat: 900 cals
75 g butterscotch chocolate: 490 cals
1 piece of brownie: 264 cals
100 g chocolate raisins: 388 cals
200 g Brie: 676 cals
125 g cassava crisps: 613 cals
Total calories: 6973

I had expected to feel sick but I didn't. I was really surprised. I had expected to feel full and my bowels did but my stomach didn't. I kept feeling hungry all day. Even though I did get a bit queasy I had no trouble continuing eating because I felt so hungry. I hadn't felt that hungry in ages. It was like trying to fill a bottomless pit. In the evening I had about 2000 calories left and I felt slightly panicked because I knew I would still be hungry. I've always wondered how people get obese. Now I know. When you eat loads and loads of carbs you just feel more and more hungry. It's horrible.

Other then the constant hunger I had trouble concentrating, not understanding what people said all the time and constructing sentences took a lot of effort. If I would have had to drive I surely would have caused an accident. I felt slightly spaced out and shaky all the time. This feeling continued throughout the next day. I had a hard time falling asleep, feeling restless. I woke up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. In the morning I felt like I had slept on a plane. My entire body felt sore and stiff. I had a sharp headache and I was dead tired. I went for a walk to get the blood flowing again and clear my head which did help to make me feel a bit better. But in the afternoon I just felt completely exhausted again and fell asleep on the sofa twice. I didn't feel as hungry as I had expected, less hungry then the day before actually, and managed without food just fine the whole day. I had plenty of fluids though. I felt sticky on the inside and really just wanted to wash it all away.
All in all it was quite a nasty experience. I felt really miserable. I hope next Sunday will be better with the starches. I do need to find some gluten free pasta though. I haven't had pasta in ages as I don't eat grains at all these days. I may be willing to make an exception for this one day but gluten is just too much. Just that, even in small amounts, will make my belly so unhappy it will be hard to tell how I feel from the starches.

One things is for sure. I am permanently cured from processed sugars. I might have a tiny bit sometimes, but just for the taste. Then again, a lot of the foods that I had been looking forward to actually tasted quite bad when I finally had them. It's pure, white and deadly alright. Once you are no longer addicted to sugar you can taste what it really is. Pure poison. Quite a wake up call.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Through the roof!

Last week I went to the hospital to get the results of my blood tests. Turned out that my testosterone levels were 55. They should be between 11 and 30. Some might think: wow, that's great, right? No. There is a max for a reason. The surplus gets turned into estrogen which is something I really don't want. It explains why I have been feeling a bit grumpy to say the least. There is this phenomenon called 'roid rage' which is known among bodybuilders who use too much steroids in order to get bigger. They tend to get a tad aggressive. Well, having a uterus and all, I'd say it feels more like PMS. So there you have it. Seriously, I could kill someone while having PMS. I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels that way. Women just have more control. 

So, grumpy, restless and tired, which is always a great combination, and still the nausea. I have cut back on how much testosterone I put on and the nausea did get a lot better. Yesterday I forgot my testosterone and I was actually feeling really well. It took me a while to realize it was because I wasn't nauseous. Actually, I didn't realize that until today. I was at the end of my bottle and decided to squeeze the last bit out which was a lot more then I should be taking. So later this afternoon the nausea hit me again, pretty bad. Very annoying. I ignored it best I could and managed quite well but it did make me realize how strongly I still react. I hope that with the new dose and lower blood levels the nausea will go away. It sounds like such a simple little thing. Silly almost. But it makes it hard to eat and when you constantly feel like that it really takes up quite a bit of energy to ignore it. Fingers crossed. 

The good news is that the ginger beard looks promising. Last Friday several friends noticed my stubbly chin and cheeks and all had to have a feel. It would be awesome if I had a full beard for my next birthday. With this rate it might even be possible. 
Also, some of my shirts are getting too tight around my shoulders. Most of the time I still feel like I look pretty skimpy but every now and then I catch a glimpse in the mirror and surprise myself. One day I might actually believe what I see and it will be me.


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Monday, July 29, 2013

From a boy to a man.

Today is my birthday. Last year I celebrated it as Tyler for the first time. Then it was as a boy. Today it is as a man. I had not expected it to be this soon but I feel I am ready. Someone called me a young boy a few weeks ago and it felt wrong. A year ago I would have agreed but not anymore. I am a man. This feels right. 

My body agrees with testosterone in ways I had not imagined. Of course, you hope for the best, but I always expect the worst. That way things can only turn out better. I have been on testosterone for 7 weeks now. My muscles are growing, my fat is melting. My voice is still lowering and starting to develop a hum. I heard from people that it should drop a bit extra after about 10 weeks. I really hope it does. I would love a deep voice. I think it would suit me, a warm, deep sound. People have been noticing the hair on my chin. That is something I really hadn't expected to happen so soon. The past few days it has actually been so obvious that I had decided I would shave for my birthday. So this morning I did. I was amazed at the amount of hair that came off. Not only on my chin and upper lip but also my cheeks and even my throat. If it keeps growing like this I might even have a full beard by my next birthday. I know it's a bit much to hope for but one can dream. 

On the down side, the thing I was worried about is happening. The skin on my stomach, where I rub the gel, is starting to get irritated at last. It is turning red and there is a burning sensation. Since things are moving so insanely fast I have decided to reduce the gel from 50 mg to 40 mg and rub it on my shoulders for a while to give my stomach some rest. After a while I will start alternating. Hopefully that will help. If I have to I can also rub it on my legs every now and then, if they don't get too hairy. A week from now I will get the results of my blood tests. To be honest, with the noticeable effects, I don't really care what the blood work says. I'm getting the changes I want.

One of the best things is that strangers all assume that I am a guy. It's still a bit uncomfortable with the moobs and that does seem to confuse people a bit some times but in general they have set the default at male. That's how they treat me. That's what they call me. It feels really good. I feel relieved. There is less need for me to prove that I am a guy. That way people can treat me as who I am instead of me needing to explain things and confusing people. As much as I enjoy the changes I would really like to get on with my life. It looks like that will be possible really soon. 

So what's the plan, Batman? Chest surgery in spring, hopefully. But other then that? What do I want to do this year? To be honest, I'm not really sure. I'm a member of the board of the local COC which takes up quite a bit of time. We have some big plans for the gallery as well. But that's all work. What about me? I don't know. I have been trying to paint more again lately because I have an exhibition at the end of August. I would really like to have more time in general to paint. After 2 months of not having time for Kung Fu I started training again and really enjoy it. That is something I would like to have more time for as well. I need to start making some long term plans. In 5 years I will be 40. It's about time I get my sh*t together. At least I have nothing holding me back now. About time.


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