Sunday, December 30, 2012

I survived Christmas!

I am seriously thinking about planning a holiday for next Christmas so I won't have to think about it too much. Christmas Eve I managed to ignore completely. I just made a normal dinner, watched a movie and went to bed early.

On Christmas day my sister came over with her family. Her boyfriend fits her perfectly. They both have the same trades that have always made me wonder if she would ever find someone she wouldn't drive insane. They are like 2 peas in a pod. I'm happy for her. I did notice we are drifting apart. We live in different worlds. If we weren't siblings we probably would have given up ages ago but we keep trying, stay in touch and let each other know what's going on in lives. I really am happy she is happy but our connection is weak. She didn't say a word about our mother and was clearly determined to keep it that way. We were trying to have a nice family dinner so such topics had to be avoided. She didn't have time to see me by herself while she's in the country (she lives in Australia) so I won't be able to talk to her about all of this at all any time soon. I would have liked to  know how she feels about my transition but I guess I can always send her an email.

I spent Boxing day with my 2 best friends which was really nice even though we were all tired. At least it was something. And the food was good.


After Christmas my father came over for a few days. He's actually still here but went to visit some friends. Usually, when he is in Holland, he stays at my mother's place (he lives in Germany) or at his brother's who lives further South. Because my sister is staying at my mother's place and he did want to be near by to see my sister and me he asked if he could stay at my place. I'm not a big fan of having him stay over because he has annoying habits that get on my nerves but I figured I'd take one for the team so both my brother (who lives up North and yes, we're all over the place) and sister would be able to see him. He went and had dinner with my mother yesterday. He told me they didn't speak of me. Not one word. It feels like I am dead to her. Somehow that's not a bad thing. This is the first year I didn't get a Christmas card from her. The last time we didn't speak she did send me cards, every year. It really annoyed me back then but now I didn't get one this year I'm aware of what it really meant. She was still holding on and open to trying to mend our bond. This time it's different. No more Christmas cards. This time she is letting go and moving on. This means I can too. It's a bit scary to write that down because it feels so definitive. But that's just the way it is. She doesn't seem to leave me much of a choice. She has made her choice and mine is a logical response to hers. It's the only thing I can do. So now I am another step closer to claiming my own life. Slowly but surely, one day I will be me.


In the mean time I have started writing my life story for A. Man at the gender team. It's a slow and painful process. I'm not sure how much 'but I wanted to be a boy' stuff he expects in there because most of my life I had buried it so deep I didn't even know it was an issue. I talked about this with my father, about my mother and how she had wanted to have a boy and how that confused me when I was little. She once told me, ages ago, that she would rather have been a boy as well. I wasn't ready to admit I did too so I never got back to it until last spring when I told her about my decision to transition. She denied ever having said that. But according to my father it is true. He told me that she did indeed have gender issues. What to make of that? I don't know. Her parents survived POW camps in Indonesia and they taught her two important lessons: always keep your head down, and don't get attached to people. That's how they survived. So that's what she did. She decided to not give in to it and to keep her head down. And now I'm not keeping my head down she is pushing me away. I can't blame her. From her point of view it makes perfect sense. I guess if this is what she needs to do, then so be it. It's time for me to move on. So here I go. 2013, here I come.



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Friday, December 21, 2012

I had my first meeting with the gender team in Woerden.

The journey has begun.

After months of waiting I finally had my first meeting at the Psycho Informa Groep (P.I.G. and yes that is unfortunate) with Mr A. Man (I'm still serious), a short, slightly bold fellow with blue eyeliner and a purple shirt. He asked me why I was there. A very good question which sounds simpler then it is. But what it boils down to is that my body doesn't fit how I see myself and I can't change the way I feel. So the only option left is to change my body to fit me as a person. I don't want to become a man. A lot of people think I do and sometimes that's what I say but it's not what I mean. I already am a man. I just happen to be in a female body and have a very developed feminine side. I think everyone is a bit of both but most people don't realize it because they are not confronted with it. There are only very few people who fit the male or female stereotype. Do you know anyone who does? 100%? Are you sure? I think I know one guy who does and I know quite a lot of people. He told me a lot of trans people have trouble accepting this. Most trans people have grown to hate their birth gender which is not healthy and takes time to heal. I'm lucky in that way. Part of me will always be girly as hell. I will always be able to chat for hours with a cup of tea and a bucket of chocolate. And there are plenty of other things that 'real men' don't do that I love. I'm cool with that and it seems to me the people around me are as well. Gender is a point of view, a gray scale. It's no longer a marker that determines how you should live your life.

A. Man and I talked for about 2 hours, much longer then I had expected. He's direct but friendly. He asked the right questions, making me think about how and why and what it is that I really want. I think that, in this short period, I already have a better idea of where I want to be in a few years time and of who I really am. I spent so long adapting to my surroundings, pretending to be what I felt society wanted me to be, it has become a second nature, a reflex. I remember, 5 years ago, I bought myself a pair of gloves. It was the first thing I did for myself in a long time. A small act but a huge gesture. Now I am taking things to the next level. I've come to accept who I am, as far as I know myself. Now I am going to be myself. I'm even thinking about doing the hysterectomy for the first time. There are a lot of downsides to it but somehow, today, I feel it would bring me one step closer to myself, away from the lie I have been living.

He explained the procedure to me, the screening, the real life phase and hormone treatment and then the surgery. It's pretty much the same set up as the hospital in Amsterdam only it takes less time. I should be able to get through the screening in about 4 months. And then I have to find someone they can refer me to for hormone treatment. I'm hoping I can get someone at the Local hospital, the LUMC, to do it so I don't have to travel so much. Screening is slightly different from the way they do it in Amsterdam where you get 6 meetings, all a month apart and that's it. Here I get to see him once every week or every 2 weeks and I get as many meetings as he feels I need to get ready for the next step. He wants me to write my life story and expects it to be about 20-25 pages instead of just one page they want in Amsterdam. I do need to sort out a few things with my insurance which will be a pain in the ass but it should be worth it. I also need a new referral from my doctor because the one I had has expired thanks to the waiting list. Lovely. But that's all minor detail when I think about being able to start hormones before my birthday next summer. Bring on the ginger beard!


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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A survey on selfharm. Children need our help.

A friend of mine is doing a survey to determine how well students are being helped at school when they struggle with automutilation, also knows as selfharm (SH). I find it very important that she is doing this. The results will serve as a guide to write a protocol for schools on how to act when they find a student in such a situation. Right now there are no guidelines what so ever for this. As a result precious time is lost in helping these children. Depression in teens is much more common then we would like to admit and a very serious problem. Selfharm is not about getting attention. It's about survival. It's a way to deal with the struggles and pain that otherwise become too great to handle. Most of the time parents don't have a clue or are part of the problem. When parents fail to protect their children it's time for the community to step in and take action. Since most children spend most of their time at school it makes sense for teachers to notice the signs and respond to them. Most teachers don't know what they should be looking for though. And if they do notice something is wrong, they don't know how to respond. So they leave the kid alone and hope it's just a phase and it will pass. For some it does pass. For others it ends in suicide. But the majority is left to struggle on for years and years, perhaps the rest of their lives. The sooner they can get help, the sooner things will get better and the greater the odds are they will be able to be happy some day. So if you have struggled with self harm during school and live in the Netherlands, please fill out the survey. If you know someone who did, pass it on. A lot of children out there need our help.

http://www.thesistools.com/web/?id=304850


I filled out the survey as well. I started selfharming when I was about 12 I think. I'm not entirely sure. It was a strange time. No one noticed. I would cut my upper arms at first. I would wear a short sleeved shirt at gym class so I'm pretty sure someone saw. But nobody said anything. Not in school, not at home, not anywhere. My sister once asked if I could stop banging my head against the wall in the middle of the night because it would wake her up. But that's all.  My eating disorder grew worse and worse. So did my drinking, which I started when I was 8, believe it or not. And when I was 15 I started doing drugs. Just weed at first, but that's where we all start, isn't it?

I finally managed to quite when I was 29. The cutting, the drinking, everything. And now I am healthy and fit. But I still feel sad a lot of the time. I still feel lonely, unloved and unlovable like I did growing up. I still have days when I get the urge to get out a knife and rip myself to pieces. I don't think that will ever completely go away. But I keep on fighting. I keep on going. I keep on surviving. And I'm still here.

I don't know what would have happened if someone would have noticed what was really going on sooner. My parents did send me to a psychiatrist at some point and told me I could stop going there if my grades improved. My grades did improve and I could stop going. But I only felt worse. It's not just about grades and how things look on the surface. If they had spend a bit more time noticing me, maybe they would have seen what was happening. Maybe I would not feel so lonely today.



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Sunday, December 9, 2012

New Year's resolutions.

I never make them. I don't see why the start of a year should be the time to change things. You can change anything you want at any time. That's what I try to do. When things go sideways I try to change them as soon as I see it happen. I make that sound so easy. It's not. The trick is to notice things going bad and because they usually happen slowly we hardly notice. We make plans and start with good intentions but most of it never happens because we slip back into old habits. They're habits because they are easy and all creatures like easy. But easy is usually what we are used to, not what is best for us. Else I would have told my mother to leave me alone a long time ago. I've tried to keep her happy, or less miserable, for a long time. It determined most of my actions and because of it I was unable to lead my own life. I didn't know what I wanted at all. I started working on that about 4 years ago. The first revolutionary thing I did was buy myself some gloves. It was winter and I would walk everywhere and my fingers would be freezing but I felt like I wasn't worth the 2 euro's for a pair of the simplest gloves. It was a huge gesture. A symbolic act. It was a start.


So here I am, 4 years later. I'm healthy, a lot happier and less depressed. I have a nice place of my own that really feels like a home. I have plenty of friends. I have lots of work to do though most of it is unpaid but they are things I love to do so that's okay. But still, I'm not sure what I want in life. What I really want. Where I want to be 10 years from now. Most people have some sort of idea of what their lives should look like by then. Where they will live, with who, what they will be doing work wise. I don't know. I really don't. But I have been thinking and have come up with some sort of idea of where I want to be in about 5 years. Nothing concrete though. It's more general and about how I want to feel. How I want to look at life. But there is no point in saying you want to change your life if you don't set up a plan and take action. So I have set up a list of things to do for 2013. I'll share it with you. Maybe you can get some inspiration from it.


* Cook a recipe from a cook book once a week to find new flavors and ideas.
* Read more about why food is or isn't healthy.
* Limit unhealthy foods to one day a month which a plan ahead.
* Start doing tai chi and Yin Yoga.
* Look for ways to fall asleep faster so I don't spend so much time in bed thinking.
* Meditate.
* Make a bucket list and try to do something from that list at least once a month.
* Get my Carpe Jugulum tattoo as a reminder to live my life for myself.
* Paint.
* Draw. Don't get upset if it doesn't look like much at first. Keep at it. It will get better.
* Be more open to my friends about how I feel.
* Hug more.
* Write, about anything and everything that I find worth writing about.
* Continue to teach and improving my teaching skills.
* Read.
* Don't think too much: act.


So there it is. My list of things to do for the time to come. And that time starts now, not in 3 weeks. If you want to change things in your life, and I do, the time to start acting accordingly is now. So I am going to get me a nice cup of tea and the book I borrowed from a friend last week and do a bit of reading before I head to the kitchen.

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Thursday, December 6, 2012

Just a suggestion: squats.

As a group fitness instructor I see a lot of people doing the same thing at the same time. That way you really notice the little differences, little variations people create to make things easier or because they don't fully understand what they should be doing and which muscles they should be using. There are things that I see happen over and over again so I decided to hand you a little tip, a suggestion if you will. Just one at a time so next time you're in your workout you don't have to think of a million things at the same time and can't get a single one right because it's too much.


Today my suggestion is on squats. It's very simple: keep your knees behind your toes.

Why? Several reasons. The first one is that if you push your knees forwards when you are doing squats you put a lot of pressure on your knee joints. They don't like that. There are all kinds of things in that complex joint that can tear or get irritated and inflamed. If you often get sore knees after doing squats you are probably pushing your knees forwards and should keep an eye on them.

The other reason has to do with efficiency. If you move your knees forward you shift the weight off the heel of your foot to the front. When you push up in your squat you want to activate the back of your legs and mostly your butt. That's why we do squats after all, for strong legs and a nice firm butt. You want to be able to squeeze that butt and you can only do that if you push from your heels. If you have been squatting for a while and are not making any progress, this could be why.


How? I think I already mentioned that. Keep your weight on your heels. That's the most important thing. You can check if your weight is to the back my lifting your toes. Not much, just enough to see you can. That's all. What you also need to do is stick that butt back! You're at the gym. If you still look sexy after your workout, you haven't been working hard enough. So forget about looking silly with your butt sticking out. You will look a lot sillier using poor technique and even worse when you've been coming there for ages and still haven't booked any results. So push that butt back before you go down. Trust me.


I hope this helps. And yes, at first, if you make this change, it will get harder. But that's the whole point. If it's easy, you're not getting results and that's what we're here for after all. Else we could just stay and home and watch TV. Let me know how it goes.

If you have any questions on technique, you can always ask me. I don't know everything but always try to learn new things so if I don't have the answer I'll try to find it for you.

Have a good day!



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