The journey has begun.
After months of waiting I finally had my first meeting at the Psycho Informa Groep (P.I.G. and yes that is unfortunate) with Mr A. Man (I'm still serious), a short, slightly bold fellow with blue eyeliner and a purple shirt. He asked me why I was there. A very good question which sounds simpler then it is. But what it boils down to is that my body doesn't fit how I see myself and I can't change the way I feel. So the only option left is to change my body to fit me as a person. I don't want to become a man. A lot of people think I do and sometimes that's what I say but it's not what I mean. I already am a man. I just happen to be in a female body and have a very developed feminine side. I think everyone is a bit of both but most people don't realize it because they are not confronted with it. There are only very few people who fit the male or female stereotype. Do you know anyone who does? 100%? Are you sure? I think I know one guy who does and I know quite a lot of people. He told me a lot of trans people have trouble accepting this. Most trans people have grown to hate their birth gender which is not healthy and takes time to heal. I'm lucky in that way. Part of me will always be girly as hell. I will always be able to chat for hours with a cup of tea and a bucket of chocolate. And there are plenty of other things that 'real men' don't do that I love. I'm cool with that and it seems to me the people around me are as well. Gender is a point of view, a gray scale. It's no longer a marker that determines how you should live your life.
A. Man and I talked for about 2 hours, much longer then I had expected. He's direct but friendly. He asked the right questions, making me think about how and why and what it is that I really want. I think that, in this short period, I already have a better idea of where I want to be in a few years time and of who I really am. I spent so long adapting to my surroundings, pretending to be what I felt society wanted me to be, it has become a second nature, a reflex. I remember, 5 years ago, I bought myself a pair of gloves. It was the first thing I did for myself in a long time. A small act but a huge gesture. Now I am taking things to the next level. I've come to accept who I am, as far as I know myself. Now I am going to be myself. I'm even thinking about doing the hysterectomy for the first time. There are a lot of downsides to it but somehow, today, I feel it would bring me one step closer to myself, away from the lie I have been living.
He explained the procedure to me, the screening, the real life phase and hormone treatment and then the surgery. It's pretty much the same set up as the hospital in Amsterdam only it takes less time. I should be able to get through the screening in about 4 months. And then I have to find someone they can refer me to for hormone treatment. I'm hoping I can get someone at the Local hospital, the LUMC, to do it so I don't have to travel so much. Screening is slightly different from the way they do it in Amsterdam where you get 6 meetings, all a month apart and that's it. Here I get to see him once every week or every 2 weeks and I get as many meetings as he feels I need to get ready for the next step. He wants me to write my life story and expects it to be about 20-25 pages instead of just one page they want in Amsterdam. I do need to sort out a few things with my insurance which will be a pain in the ass but it should be worth it. I also need a new referral from my doctor because the one I had has expired thanks to the waiting list. Lovely. But that's all minor detail when I think about being able to start hormones before my birthday next summer. Bring on the ginger beard!