Thursday, October 25, 2012

A personal note.

Just like everyone else I am as human as you can get. This means I am not a fluffy ball of positive energy bouncing around making other people smile all the time. I wish I was but alas, nu such thing. I have been trying to call the gender team in Amsterdam all week. You can only call them between 9 and 12 and every time I call the line is busy or they have switched on the answering machine already. I want to know where I am with the waiting list. It's frustrating to be out and everything and have nothing happening. I'm afraid other people might think it was just some brain fart and I got over it and am now pretending I didn't say anything. I still very much want to start hormone treatment and get chest surgery. Just thinking about how long I probably still have to wait is driving me nuts. I find it hard to expect people to take this seriously while nothing is really changing. On the other hand, I am still convinced this shouldn't be a big deal as I will still be the same person as far as we don't continuously change anyway. All very confusing and frustrating. I'm not sure what I want to happen. I want the whole process of transitioning to be over so I can just be who I am and be done with it. This lingering is not doing me any good. Lately I have been feeling drained. It's like I have been put on hold and can't move on with things. I wish it was something in my head and I could do something to get things moving again but unfortunately it's true.

Autumn is not helping. It's getting darker again and this weekend the clock is moving an hour back so it will be dark longer in the morning. I don't mind the dark in the evening. The mornings is what I find hardest. If I have to get up and there is no sun I feel tired the rest of the day. I should take a look at a daylight lamp. I've heard it can really help. Other then that I have started a new morning ritual. I kept coming across this whole drinking lemon water in the morning and the theory sounds good. So I'm trying that. It sure does kick start your bowels so you get a clean start in the morning. I've been doing it for a week now and so far to be honest I just feel more tired. I'm guessing it's the spring cleaning effect. First things just seem to get worse as all the bad stuff that has been hiding under the bed and in drawers is all coming out and need to be taken care of. So I am giving it a bit longer, at least a month, to see what happens. I'm calling it my sour-Zen project as I am combining it with meditating in the morning. I hadn't done that in ages so I need to practice again. It's not like riding a bicycle it seems. Right now I'm just taking 10-15 minutes which doesn't sound like long but when you have a million things rushing around in your head all asking for your attention it feels like for ever. I'm getting better at shutting up and just being though. Eventually I should have some proper balance in my head again. I'll post an update on facebook every now and then to let you all know how I'm doing on this.

If you have any more tips for me on how to survive the dark ages and the endless waiting list I'd much appreciate it.

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