Saturday, January 26, 2013

Seeing myself on video.

So I had decided to set some priorities and delete a few things from my ever hectic schedule. One of the things I had decided to stop doing is the BodyBalance. This has various reasons, one very important one being that it costs me more energy then I get from it. When something is draining you, you shouldn't do it. I do still have to turn in my video to get my official permanent certificate and I was curious if I would actually get it. Recently I had filmed my class for that purpose but I hadn't send it in yet. I decided to take a look at it and see if it was good enough and if it would be worth it to put it on a DVD and send it in.

It's always strange to see yourself on video. You have this idea in your head of who you are and what you look like. For most people this doesn't match the outside 100%. Possibly it doesn't match completely for anyone. For someone like me, a transgender, it's even worse. I hate the way I look. The narrow waist, the wide hips. The boobs. And that's just my body itself. When I teach BodyBalance I go girly. I move different. I move like a girl. I even do the broken wing wrists. It's this thing most animals do to indicate they need help. They pretend a wing or paw, or in a human case hand, is broken, holding it up, showing the limp limb so others can see they need someone to rescue them. Women do it a lot. Gay men tend to do it as well, but they wave that broken wing around showing they are harmless and approachable. I'm not saying they are aware of what they are doing. It's a basic animalistic instinct we all have. When I teach BodyBalance, I do it a lot, with both hands. *shudder*

So I've come to realize this is one of the main reasons why teaching this program is costing me so much energy. Because it forces me back into the role of a woman. It doesn't have to. There are other men who teach BodyBalance. Most of them are gay. Right now, where I am in my process, it just doesn't feel right. This is a part of me that I don't want to be reminded of all the time because I need to focus on becoming whole, or at least more whole, more myself, and need space to let my masculine side develop. And suddenly it makes perfect sense.

There is another thing that really bothered me about the video. My voice. I sounds horrible. I sound even worse then I sound to myself when I am talking. You always sound different in your own head because of the resonance with your skull. I know that I probably sound even girlier then usual during the BodyBalance, but still. My voice really bothers me. The voice you hear yourself speak with is the voice you use inside your head as well to form your thoughts. It's a huge part of your inner world, of your identity. Because my voice still sounds very female, the voice inside my head still sounds female most of the time. And because of that it is hard to feel like a real man. I try to think in a more manly voice sometimes but it always becomes someone else's voice. I have no idea what I will sound like once I start testosterone. I really, really can't wait. Maybe I should get some sort of cold in the mean time, or drink more whiskey.

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1 comment:

  1. I completely relate to what you say about your voice. I hate mine too. In my mind it sounds so much deeper but when I hear it on video I can't stand it as it sounds quite high pitched. Am also really looking forward to starting T and seeing (and hearing!) the effects.