Friday, February 22, 2013

PMS tricked me again.

Last weekend I was all wired up about the photo shoot. The blog I wrote about it still stands but, I have since then come to the conclusion I was suffering from PMS at the time which always blows everything out of proportion. So the issues I was struggling with are issues I still struggle with, but they probably wouldn't have cracked me up like that if it hadn't been for those blasted hormones. I started spotting yesterday and my brain went AHA! There is the perpetrator! I've always had this hate/hate thing with my uterus. I've never liked her and she never liked me. I still find it amazing how women deal with it. The hormonal moods, the mess downstairs, the pain. I know I should get my coil checked because sometimes I can feel it poking me which you shouldn't. But I can't be bothered and I can deal with the pain. I've been in pain a lot worse then this before. If all goes well I will have the whole thing taken out one day. I'm hoping summer of 2014. And then I'll be a boy. Or maybe even a man.

It's amazing how aware I am these days of which things are purely hormonal and not really me. I notice myself giving certain emotional responses to things and I know that that's not really me reacting like that. It's my hormones doing funky things. Making me freak out or going mushy while a big chunk of me doesn't really feel that way and doesn't understand the physical reaction. I heard someone say that once you start on testosterone your mood changes, becomes more stable. But your humor tends to change a bit as well, becomes more crude. Like you tend to laugh quicker at coarse things like seeing someone fall. It appears this is also more a physical reaction then a truly emotional one. I wonder how many people are aware of what they really feel, emotionally, instead of just hormonally. It's a strange thing to be aware of it and it's not always easy. I didn't realize I was having PMS when it was happening. It wasn't until I started spotting that I drew the logical conclusion as to why I had been over emotional for several days. I heard that men have a hormonal cycle as well but they move with the sun instead of the moon. I wonder if I will notice any of that, getting testosterone from an external source instead of producing it myself. And if it's true in the first place. My sleeping pattern does follow the sun more then the moon and some people say that's a typical male thing to do. I have no idea if that is true but it sounds cool.

Emotions are a strange thing. They are not always easy to deal with. A friend of mine told me the only emotion she has is fear. I find that impossible to believe. Everyone has not just fear but also joy, sadness, anger, and shame as part of the 5 basic emotions. Where do they come from? What purpose do they have? And are they human or not? In the end I guess it does all come down to glands. I think more mammals have these emotions in some form or another. I think they are responses to external factors to ensure their survival. Without emotions they would be in serious trouble.

But that's the hormonal part. Humans can think. Most important they can self reflect. And that's where emotions become a different color. We can actively suppress our emotions. We can think about them and judge them. We can decide a certain emotional response is improper and unwanted and we can attempt to train ourselves in a way to make a different emotional response. We can also decide we want more of a certain emotion because it feels comfortable, and that doesn't always need to be joy. As long as you are used to something, if feels comfortable. For a long time I thought that I would lose my identity if I was no longer depressed because I was so used to feeling like that and I could not imagine living without it. When you know what to expect, you feel safe and safety is what we all strive for. So we hold on to our emotions. It's a strange thing. It does seem like emotions rule our lives but we have the ability to guide them, a bit, if we choose to. We can influence our emotions with our behavior and the hormonal response that creates, with our thinking and the way the brain responds by producing or not producing hormones, and with what we put into our bodies and controlling what kind of hormones our bodies can make or will be tempted to make because of the building blocks it has or hasn't got. So that's what we've got. We've got hormones dictating how we feel and our attempts to adjust those hormones in a way that we find comfortable. This goes for everyone. I guess the main reason why I'm thinking about this right now is because my hormonal state and therefor emotional state, is too far from my own comfort zone to be acceptable. And the fact that I am aware that my current state is incongruent with the state I desire because of a hormonal shift. It's amazing what I come across during this journey of transition. Today I'll just count this as a blessing.

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