Sunday, February 17, 2013

Strike a pose.

I have been in a horrible mood all day. I wasn't in such a great mood yesterday either. This usually has a reason. It usually means I'm upset about something but can't put my finger on it. First I thought it had something to do with the (lack of) communication with some of the people I'm working with in various ways but now I'm thinking that's ticking me off more then usual because something else is upsetting me. This morning I had to teach BodyPump and usually after a good workout, and being able to yell at people for a bit, I feel much better. Not today. On my way home I still felt like punching people in the face at random. Clearly a bad sign. Then I remembered the dream I had last night.

I dream a lot. Every night. I know, I know, everyone dreams several times every night. But I'm one of those people that remembers a lot of them. Every morning I wake up thinking something like: wow, that was weird/exhausting/freaky/interesting/etc. And usually all of those things apply to the same dream. I don't get a lot of rest at night it seems. It's a good thing that one of the functions of dreaming is clearing your head. It puts things in a different perspective. So this dream I had last night, what about it?
It was a relatively uneventful dream. At some point I was in a tunnel under a building which ended at the bottom of a well but that's probably from the introduction to the book I am reading (The I Tjing/book of change, introduction by Jung). The building was a school building and I had enrolled. To get your pass or something you had to have your photo taken and we were all waiting around for that to happen. I was there with a bunch of other people. Some I had been to school with before, others were strangers. One of my oldest friends started showing people these old photo's of us together at a different school. It freaked me out. They were all wrong. There was something about the composition which was horrible and the image looked distorted. I told him I did not want to be associated with those photo's. They felt wrong, just wrong.

So what does this mean? It is very very simple. This afternoon all the volunteers at COC Leiden have to have their picture taken for PR purposes. Members of the board and coordinators are expected to be there. Everyone else can come if they want to but they don't have to. So, I have recently joined this organization (the school), and they are taking pictures today to show to the world. I haven't started my physical treatment yet. If you put me in a suit I look like 12. I am extremely uncomfortable with my body at this point in my life. And they want to take a photo and show it to the world. Oh my. And I have nothing to wear!

In a way this is nothing new. I have always had trouble facing the mirror. I didn't have anorexia because I had the illusion it could make me pretty. I was never comfortable with my body. Right now, being aware of that the problem really is, doesn't help much. In a way it makes things worse. I know which parts of my body I dislike and why, but there is nothing I can do about it. I get confronted with it every day. Every morning when I wake up and get dressed and every other time I change clothes. When I walk into the class room at the gym with the big mirrors. When I demonstrate a move during the BodyPump. When my boobs get in the way when I do Kung Fu. When I'm doing the dishes and I notice I'm tilting my hips back again. When I'm walking down the street and see someone looking at me. When I meet new artists at the gallery for the first time and wonder if they will file me under male or female now they have seen me. These are things other people don't see. How could they? It all happens inside my head. So they are not aware of the fact that this whole 'body not fitting the person inside thing' is a 24/7 thing. You take it everywhere you go. I really can't wait to start my physical changes. I hope one day I will be able to look in the mirror and see me. Until that day all I can do is strike a pose and smile and try not to think about it so much. And keep in mind that, maybe, one day, things should get better.

I still have 2 hours to figure out what to wear. Wish me luck.

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