Tuesday, July 2, 2013

I want to break free.

Next Saturday the Trans*cafĂ© is drag themed so I went looking for one of my favourite old skirts. Turns out I have thrown it out already. I still have a bunch of other stuff from when I was trying to be a girl. Going through them was strange. I felt that old me, the girl alter ego that I had developed over the years, rear her head again. And for a moment I caught myself thinking: wouldn't it be easier to go back? 

Last weekend at the market I got called sir a bunch of times. I seem to be more and more convincing to people who don't know me. When I walk down the street I feel more confident. I'm starting to figure out how I want to present myself, how I want to dress and what kind of vibe I want to send out to people. There is so much more then just the macho and the dandy after all. But I'm still stuck with this unfinished body. I'm still doing mayor reconstruction work here. I'm not finished and in a way I know that I never really will be. Will it be enough though? That is the question. Will it be enough to be worth it. 

In some ways it would be easier to go back and pretend I never did this. I wouldn't have to go through heavy surgery. I wouldn't have to take hormones the rest of my life. I wouldn't have to explain anything any more. And I did have fun playing a girl sometimes. When I look at some of the shoes and skirts I still have it's hard to deny. Plus, life was much simpler. Expectations were lower. The rest of the world mainly had different expectations but personally I had lower expectations. I could never do the things I really wanted to do, be the person I really wanted to be, because I was a girl. Or at least, looked like one and was treated like one. 

Right now I'm tired. I have been tired for quite a while now. I will be an official member of the board at the LGBT organization next week. The gallery still needs a lot of work, mostly paper work, which is my favorite. I have more BodyPump hours. I have to prepare for my exhibition end of August. Oh, and I'm in transition. I keep forgetting that's something I also 'do'. Plus, I have a social life which I'm not willing to sacrifice. So, lost of work, with lots of responsibility and lots of expectations and lots of people all staring at me. On days like this I miss being a girl and being able to hide behind that, using that as an excuse to do nothing with my life. I could really use a holiday. 

But, could I go back? Do I really want to? Hell no. I don't want to be my own victim. All the things I do are things I believe in. I can't go back. These days, when I look in the mirror, I'm not just checking the bits I have to check (do I have toothpaste on my face?) but I'm looking for myself. I'm trying to find a glimpse of the real me. And yes, there it is. It's not really in my face itself yet. But it is in my eyes. I can see myself staring back at me, trying to break free. 

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