Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Countdown to surgery.

Yesterday I went from counting the weeks to counting the days left until my surgery. I have thirty days to go. When I first got my date I still had over 7 weeks, almost 2 months. It felt so far away I was able to put it out of mind and not get too distracted by it. Now it's getting closer. I can feel my energy levels dropping. I'm restless. I wander around my apartment. I stare out the window, watching the rain. I open the fridge but can't really bring myself to eat. I'm too tense. I try to read or to paint but have a hard time focussing. I take breaks while watching a movie. I watch nonsense on YouTube to distract me because it's stuff I don't really need to think about anyway. I'm going nuts.

I had not expected this. Not this soon anyway. But here it is non the less. This surgery basically means the end of my transition. I still need to fix my passport after that and I told myself that would be the point where it's officially over but it doesn't feel that way. The passport feels like a technicality. It's the surgery that makes it all real. That's the rebirth. That's the moment from which on my life will never be the same. That's when I can start my new life. I know that all sounds really dramatic but that's how it feels. It's one of those big markers in one's life. For most people it is the birth of their child, or a wedding, or something like that. A moment that changes your life for ever. And you know it's coming. You have that date marked on your calender. That's when it will happen.

You know what the big event will be and that it will impact your life on every level. You just don't know how. You have no way of knowing how it will affect you. Therefore there is no way you can prepare for this change. You just know it is going to happen. You just have to wait and see what happens. I could tell you I'm worried about the surgery but I'm really not. I have a great team and they will do the best they can. I could tell you I'm worried about the anaesthesia and how I will respond to that but somehow that doesn't really worry me either. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine.

Other trans people warned me about the big black hole after transition. I hadn't expected to fall for it. Not like they meant anyway. It's about something different for me. For the past 6 years I have been working very hard on being okay. I kicked anorexia, depression, addictions, self harm. This is the last thing on that list of things I can do to make my life better. After this there is no other clear problem that I can fix to make things better for myself. What if I'm still not okay after this? I know I'm going to be stuck with the scars. From the surgery, from the self harm, from the anorexia, from everything. I still have a lot of nerve pain that never really goes away. I live with it because that's the only thing I seem to be able to do. My energy levels are still fragile compared to most people, especially when you look at how well I take care of myself. Those things won't go away. So what do you do when you have fixed everything you can fix and it's still broken?

Don't get me wrong. I can't wait to have the surgery. I'm really looking forward to seeing the results and being free of those bits that are holding me back so much right now. It will be so nice to see what my chest really looks like without those weird blobs covering the muscle. I'm curious what will happen when the oestrogen is no longer holding back the effects of the testosterone. I'm going to grow a big ginger beard, just because I can! And yes, I will post a picture ;)

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