Tuesday, June 24, 2014

The first day of the rest of my life.

If all goes well the day after tomorrow will be the first day of the rest of my life. I'm still half expecting one of my surgeons to have the flue or something. But it will happen. It has to. I have been waiting for this too long already. My bag is packed, I'm ready to go. I have a friend driving me there, another one picking my up and a few visiting me during my stay (including a friend who is like a brother to me who will come visit on his birthday! Love him to bits). After that I have plenty of offers from friends to help me with stuff I need like cooking, food shopping and other chores around the house. Everything is set. All I have to do now is wait for 36 more hours and that's it.

People want to know if I'm nervous. That's a silly question. If course I'm nervous! Something would be wrong if I wasn't. But I'm not scared. It's like the first day of school. Or more like the start of a journey, like I'm moving to a different land. I bought my ticket, I know where I want to go and when I've landed I have to make sure I find my new apartment. Once I'm there everything will sort itself out. But first I have a plane to catch and luggage to check in and pick up again, passport checks and metal detectors to walk through, and a long while of sitting and waiting to get there while I'm moving through time and space. I have been preparing for this for over 2 years now and it is finally happening. Yes, I'm nervous, because this is very important to me and I am very excited, but I'm not scared.

I've said this before: transition is like having a baby. You think about it for a long time, then you make the decision and start preparing for it. Once things have been set in motion you can't go back. There is a lot of waiting, a lot of people poking your body and your mind, and hormones going off balance, but you know it will be worth it. You've been making changes around the house, in your wardrobe, in your social life, all preparing for this. And then, suddenly, it is really happening. It's just around the corner. You are really doing this. You already knew you couldn't go back any more, you passed the point of no return the moment you made the decision to do this, but now it really is final. There is no other option but to go through with this. It's not that you're having doubts. Not at all. It's just that you know that your life will never be there same and you don't know what it will be like after that moment. In a way, very little will change. But in a way, everything will change. It's scary. Change is always scary, no matter how exciting it may be. I'm pretty sure I'll be crying tears of relief after the surgery. And after that? Who knows. It will be the first day of the rest of my life and anything will be possible.

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