Coming Out Day 2013

Last Friday was Coming Out Day. Here is a short summery of Coming Out Day in Leiden, The Netherlands. The text is in Dutch. I'm proud to be part of this organization.

The idea is to raise awareness and help create a safer environment for LGBT people. Some of you may wonder, do we need to? I happened to be at a school that day to talk to the kids about discrimination, being different, and LGBT issues. According to the statistics there should be close to 100 gay students at that school. They knew about 4. Of course at that age a lot of people are not aware yet that they are gay. During puberty there is a lot to explore and sexuality is only on aspect of your personal development during that age.

The stereotypes we see in the media don't help. I still can't think of any Disney movie that has a gay main character. Most gay people in tv shows are quite extreme. Else it doesn't make good tv, right? But that is what people see and think they should be if they are gay. Most of us LGB and even T people don't stand out like that. Most of us are really boring to be honest. We are normal. We just happen to love someone we can't reproduce with. Though luck. But those kids don't know that yet. They don't know gay people are normal and can have any shape possible, just like the rest of the world.

When I was growing up I somehow had this idea that a transsexual was a desperate gay man who wanted to be with another man so much he was willing to give up his penis in order to get it. Crazy of course, but that's what I thought. So there was no way I would apply the idea of transexuality to myself. It took me 33 years to figure out that transsexuals can go from female to male as well and, yes, I am one too. I was surprised when I found out. Me? Really? But I'm... Okay, I might not be the most boring person on the planet but I'm not some deranged freak, right? Right. I'm not. And most other trans or gay people aren't either. I was actually a bit shocked to realize I had been thinking that way. That someone like me, who considered himself open minded and gay friendly would still hold on to such backwards stereotypes. But I did. Because I didn't know it could be different. And I'm not the only one who has this problem. That's why education is so important.

Around that age about half of the kids have figured it out though. They do know they are gay but choose not to come out. Why? They don't feel safe. They are afraid they will be treated differently on grounds that are not relevant to the situation. Yes, that's the definition of discrimination. To treat someone differently on grounds that are not relevant. They are afraid they will be bullied, they will be cast out. Some of the kids respond there is no need to be afraid, that the kids who did come out aren't being bullied either so they should be fine too. But it's not that simple. Because someone in a different class who is a few years older doesn't get picked on doesn't mean you'll be fine. It also doesn't mean your parents are going to be okay with it. Or the kids at soccer. Etc. Education starts at school, but safety is much bigger then that. I'm hoping we can educate the next generations and wipe out homophobia that way but it will take time. What I do know is that there are a whole bunch of kids right now that know that transsexuals are not just desperate, deranged gay men but look just like normal people. I hope I will have helped at least one person to come to terms with who they are just a bit easier and in less then 33 years time. I know my life would have been quite different if we had had Coming Out Day when I was growing up.

If you live in or near Leiden and you want to be part of the movement we are actively looking for more people to help us educate the next generations. More details here.

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Who's that guy?

Who's that guy? That's what a friend at the gym wondered looking through the window to check who was teaching the BodyPump. She hadn't seen me in about 2 weeks and had trouble recognizing me from that distance. Of course, this made me smile. The changes in your body are very gradual and because I carry around my own body all the time it's hard for me to notice the changes. But other people do. I have been getting compliments at the gyms about my growth. I've even heard people say my face is changing already. And my voice even more then before.

People had told me not to expect anything to happen the first month. I've been on testosterone for less then 6 weeks now and even I am seeing the changes. Today I put on an old girl shirt size S for Kung Fu training. My shoulders barely fit and the shirt was clearly way too small. The shirts I had bought a while ago that I was actually swimming in back then now fit just fine. I'm growing, big time. And with the physical growth comes the mental growth. I feel more secure, more myself. My head is calmer, more clear. I am more focused and less stressed. Things bother me less. I am more confident about myself and my future. I have more energy. I wake up in the morning and feel rested. I know I actually should be getting more sleep and still have too much on my plate, but I'm not worried. I know I can handle it and things will clear up in not too long. Life is great.

Can you feel a but coming? There usually is one. The Dutch public transport system works with personal chip cards. They have your name, gender and photo on it. Last Monday I was asked for my card on the train. And then I was asked for my ID. The photo on my driver's licence is just as girly as the one on my PT chip card. So I ended up explaining I was trans on the train. It was pretty quiet and no one was paying us any attention so I wasn't bothered about it at that point. I thought it was somewhat funny and even a bit happy that I don't look like that old me anymore. But I am also aware that it could have gotten ugly. Being outed like that in public is nothing to take lightly. I am going to call and see if I can change my chip card. I won't be able to change my driver's licence until I can change my passport and that's going to take a while. 

So there are good things happening and, well, less good things. Things are changing and not everything changes as gradually and effortless as the flimsy hairs that are sprouting on my chin (they are very very flimsy but I swear, they weren't there before!!). It's a strange phase to be in. There are little victories all the time. Every time someone ticks the M box, sometimes literally like the guy at the store where I bought my laptop, mostly just mentally, it makes me feel more secure. But every time someone ticks F, mostly either because I haven't had chest surgery yet and it's too hot for a proper binder right now, or because they have known me as female for some time, it hurts. And every time that happens it hurts even more because I am moving on. I am leaving that part of me behind. It's my past self. It's not who I am today and not how I see myself in the future. There is still so much paper work that needs to be done and a lot of it can not be done yet. It will take time. But at least things are changing, something is happening. I am enjoying the ride best I can and await every little change with anticipation. The best is yet to come.

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Coming out, again and again.

Coming out is a very important part of being LGBT. It's the moment you tell your friends and family: this is who I am and I'm not ashamed of it. It's the moment you tell them you want them to love and accept you for who you truly are. And hopefully they do. You can never be sure what is going to happen until you actually come out. I guess, in a way, it is a test. Do they really care about you, enough to accept the fact that you are different from the mainstream. Not everyone passes that test and it can be very hard. Which is why it's such a big deal. You risk losing your loved ones over something that, really, isn't any of their business. Because, let's face it, it's no ones business what you do in the bedroom except the person you are doing that with. 

If you are LGB, once you are out to your friends and family basically you're done. Because, indeed, it is nobody's business. Your co-workers or classmates have no reason to know such things. You are not obligated to tell anyone. You don't have to put it on your resume and in most cases people can't tell. When you go to the gym or to church or the beach, people either could already tell before you came out, or they still can't. Telling people you are gay doesn't change the way you look. You may feel more secure and that might show. Or you might act more natural and not restrain your traits that you think might 'out' you to other people. But coming out in itself doesn't make you look gay. 

Being a transsexual is a bit different when it comes to that. First you need to come out to your friends and family, just like the LGB people. Same story. Either they suspected already or they were completely in the dark. Either they will accept it or not. And you deal with whatever you get on your plate. And then you start your transition. You do your screening and get approval to start treatment. So that is what you do. You start hormone treatment. And then suddenly, that huge group of people that the LGB people didn't have to worry about, is on your case. People see you changing and they start asking themselves questions. 

I teach BodyPump at two gyms. At both gyms most people who work there know about me being trans. At one gym a lot of the members know as well. But not everyone. I don't start my classes with: Welcome to BodyPump, my name is Tyler and I'm trans. That would just be silly. But they all see the weight I put on m barbell. They all pay attention to my muscle tone. Instructors set an example of what you can achieve with that program after all. When you start taking testosterone your muscles start to grow. My voice will lower. Something they will notice as I am talking all the time. They listen to me. They will notice something is changing. And the most logic explanation for these changes would be steroids. And they would be right. Steroids are artificial hormones. It's the exact same stuff as I will be getting from my doctor. I know people will talk. Luckily people tend to approach me and ask me all kinds of questions. So hopefully they will ask about this as well. Or they will ask each other in the locker room and hopefully someone who knows what's happening can help them out. At one gym that shouldn't be a problem. At the other gym I'm not so sure yet. The thing is, I will have to come out, to a whole bunch of people, who I don't even really know that well because I see them once or twice a week during a fitness class. It's none of their business. But they will notice and they will have an opinion and some of them will talk behind my back. I will be getting looks. I will be getting questions. And I am really dreading that. I know, all I can do is wait and see what happens. I'll just have to deal with it one look or question at a time. 

People are not aware of this. They think that once you're out you're done. They think that, just because it isn't someone's business, their opinion doesn't matter. And they're right, it doesn't. But it does affect me. I do have to deal with being judged. I do have to deal with people asking completely inappropriate questions. I do have to deal with looks that say: what are you? I'm not sure but what ever you are, it's weird and I don't like it. I will have to go through a phase where I am obviously a freak. A bearded lady. Or a boy with boobs. Chose the lesser evil. Either way, it sucks. 

Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. 

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