Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I just got uninvited for Christmas.
My mother's husband came to pick up the paintings the had made at my course because she didn't want to come anymore and told me he didn't think it was a good idea if I would come over for Christmas anymore either. I have to admit I told her I needed a bit more space and didn't think it would be wise to have her in my course anymore because we have been tiptoeing around each other way too much lately in order to avoid direct conflict but as a result we both feel irritated and exhausted. I felt like it was an endless and pointless battle. So last week I went over there to talk to her. I told her I love her very much and do want a good relationship with her and have been trying really hard to make that happen for as long as I can remember but we simply don't connect. We're a mismatch. There is nothing we can do about it. I also told her that I do love her very much and I do want her in my life but just every now and then for a cup of tea or something. Not too intense, not too complicated. No expectations, just the little things. She said she'd like that and if there was anything I ever needed I just needed to ask. And now she send her husband, who I have never liked, even before they got together, to pick up her stuff and tell me she doesn't want to see me anymore. I am done. There is just no pleasing her. It makes me very very sad to be set aside like this. I had been thinking about this for months and months, almost half a year, to find a way to still see each other without making each other miserable. I tried so hard and I just get pushed to the side. Yes I know it's not easy for her having a child she doesn't understand and I know she has been trying as well, in her own way. I understand and respect that. But this feels like she is giving up on me. It's as if I no longer exist to her. I guess there is nothing left I can do. I just have to face the fact that I no longer have a mother and just make the best of things.
Anyone want to have me over for Christmas? I never liked Christmas because me family would always be fighting. But spending it all alone because my mother won't have me over? That's different. Looks like this is going to be a harsh winter.