Thursday, March 28, 2013

It's a GO! I have green light!

Yesterday I went to Amsterdam, to an independent psychiatrist, to get my second opinion on my gender dysphoria. It was a really nice guy and kind of a funny fellow. He told me he was going to play devil's advocate and asked me some questions that I usually find annoying. But I knew he had to ask them to check how I felt about them. Like: are you sure you're not just a lesbian? And, of course, do you want a penis? Stuff like that. He had looked at my file and seemed to have made up his mind before he even saw me. He told me he was really just trying to find something to fill the 45 minutes with. He failed. I was out the door again in half an hour. It was so clear to him I'm trans, he didn't feel the need to waste any more time on it. He told me he would send the papers to Woerden and they would have to send him a letter back that he would have to sign and then I would get my referral. He'll be on holiday until the 10th though so that's going to take a while. But it's just two weeks or so, so that's not too bad. And knowing it's coming helps a lot.

So after one year and three months I finally have the coveted green light. That's what they call it when you officially have permission to start your physical change to your true gender. A year and three months plus all the years of struggle to acknowledge the issue of course. It has been a long, hard road. To be honest I'm a bit surprised at how quick everything is happening now that I have made my decision to be true to myself. I'm still on the waiting list for the screening at the hospital in Amsterdam, which is the primary location for gender reassignment. I'm really glad I found the Psycho Informa Groep and was able to get through my screening so fast. I just checked and at the local hospital the waiting list for hormone treatment is about 5 weeks. Last time I checked it was still 8 weeks. I really hope it won't have gone up again by the time I get my referral. One thing is for sure. I should be able to start hormone treatment before my birthday this summer. And then it's really happening.

It's strange. I have been looking forward to getting my green light for a long time. It's been on my mind a lot. I thought I was prepared. But it's just like getting a baby. You know it's coming for months and months but when it really happens, it still takes you by surprise. So right now I'm feeling a bit odd. This is really happening. Soon I will start sprouting hair on my chin and my voice will change. I will become more myself. Part of me can't wait. Part of me is nervous.

For over 30 years I tried to be a good girl and meet the expectations that fitted that gender. Because of that I could not be myself. I couldn't do the things I really wanted to do. And now I will be me and I will have no more excuses. I will have to be me and truly me because else all of this will be pointless. I owe it to myself to be true. So here come the big questions. Now I can't hide behind my skirts anymore, what do I want to do with my life? I'm not really sure. I think I have some ideas but if you'd ask me what I want my life to look like in 5 years, I have no clue. In one year, I know that. I want to be getting ready for surgery. But that's just one small aspect of my life. What about the rest? Because it took me so long to start living my own life I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do. I have to make the time I have left, really count. I want to do something special with it. I am being reborn and am getting a second chance. I can't just throw that away. But what should I do?

I know I still have a long way to go before I'm done with my transition. I still have to go through the awkward phase where I have boobs and a beard (so not looking forward to that). And right now I should celebrate to have reached this mile stone. But I know that this is just the beginning. And I can't wait to get started. my hands are itching.

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  1. Congrats! That's great news. I felt the same way when I first heard the news too. It was all very surreal. I was supposed to get my first shot last week (the 22nd) but it was delayed a bit as they prefer you to get the first one right after your period (maybe something to keep in mind if you're not taking anything to have it stopped already). So I will now be getting the shot coming Tuesday instead.

    Hope the waiting list by LUMC isn't too long by the time you get your referral. Congratulations again, and just use the time until your first shot to figure out what it all means exactly for you :-) (that's what I did at least).

  2. Congratulations !! The long, weary, twisty, rocky road is soon going to get straighter, smoother , and the top of the mountain in sight. Then all the world will be yours to go out and discover - as Tyler. I hope I'll have many opportunities to be there as you explore life from the right side of the track.