Sunday, May 19, 2013

Me, scared? Why would I be?

If all goes well I can start hormone treatment next week. I have an appointment at the hospital in The Hague on Friday and am waiting for an invitation from the hospital in my own town. The waiting list there is one week and I sent them my referral note last week so I am hoping I can get an appointment there really soon. That way I can walk there in 10 minutes instead of taking trains and buses for over an hour. I think I'll call after the weekend and ask what's going on. I want to know what's happening. 

I've been looking forward to being on hormones for quite some time. But to be honest I am really dreading starting hormones. The psychiatrist who gave me the green light warned me again that some people can get really depressed starting on testosterone, and most people tend to feel a bit blue when their testosterone levels are getting low just before their next shot. I have a history of depression so I am at risk more then most. I know that. I am very much aware of that. I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm not the happiest person on most days though I manage to keep myself busy and productive. My menstrual cycle really affects my mood so I know I'm extra sensitive to hormonal fluctuations. Most people starting on testosterone tend to feel more stable though. I've even heard people say the feel happier on testosterone. I'm hoping that will happen to me too. But as they say one should: I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. This mean I am preparing to hit a mayor depression again. It probably won't be so bad but it's better to be prepared and not needing your ammo then needing it and having none. 

The other thing that I am dreading about this phase is being the bearded lady. Not that there is anything wrong with being a bearded lady if you chose to be. But that's not what I want to be. I want to be a man. I want to look like one and be treated as one. But this phase is going to be tricky. I will still have boobs and I just know I won't be wearing a binder every day. I hate binders. But I will have to pay extra attention to what I wear, depending on when and where. I already confuse people sometimes and that's just going to get worse at first. I know getting my fat percentage down to make my boobs smaller doesn't work for me. My boobs are pretty much that last thing to go. So I'm stuck with them for now.
I really wish I could get the surgery first and then start the hormones. I know other people who would prefer to do it like that as well. The idiotic idea is that you can still quit hormone treatment and go back to the way things were in case you change your mind. The Real Life Experience phase is supposed to be an exploratory phase where you can try your new gender on for size and see if you like it or not and if you don't you can just return it and get a refund. But that's not true. There are plenty of effects that hormone treatment has that are irreversible, like the lowering of your voice and hair everywhere. You can't just go back. Plus, most people who change their minds usually have done so before starting hormones. They have a screening phase just for that, to spot those people who have other issues and think that changing gender might help them get away from those problems. Altering your body in pursuit of  happiness is a big step. I know, more and more people have plastic surgery because they feel like they should in order to become happy. You got to ask yourself, what's going on with those people. No matter what the context, permanently changing your body, is big. 

I am very much aware of this.  I will be changing my body, permanently. After this there is no going back. I've always felt that the outside should reflect the inside. This is also why I have always disliked my body. I don't feel complete. I really hope that by doing this I will feel more like me. I'm hoping, one day, I will recognize myself in the mirror. Hormone treatment should make that happen. So yeah, I'm scared. Right now, I have hope. And hope is such a sneaky devil. Once I start treatment I will be looking in the mirror, looking for myself, hoping I will see a glimpse of me. I have no idea how long this will take. I have no idea if it will ever happen. There is only one way to find out. If you're scared, it means it's important enough to you to scare you. Bravery is being scared and doing it anyway. So here I go, being brave, because it is important to me. I still wish I didn't have to do this. I wish I could just wake up a year from now in my new and improved body and not go through all the growing pains and confusion of living in an obviously mixed gender body. It's the only option I have though. Wish me luck. 

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