Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Well, something is happening. (testosterone level should be good now)

Well, I was right. My doctor called last week and confirmed that my testosterone was too low. It was 9.9 in the morning while it should be between 11 and 30. Between 15 and 18 is ideal. And since it drops during the day 9.9 to start with is not enough. No wonder I was changing back. So now I'm at 20mg of gel a day and my body is reacting all right. Holly smokes.

The first two weeks I didn't notice much change but it takes time to get to the right level. And then I got the flu. Usually that means I'm in bed for 2 days and then it takes me another 3 to pull myself together. That's all. It's been over a week now and I still feel far from fit. I spend 12 hours a night in bed and fall asleep on the sofa several times a day. My body is sore all over. My muscles, joints and tendons hurt. I'm hungry and light headed but I have trouble eating. I don't really feel nauseous but my stomach still protests when I try to eat. As a result I ate a lot of crap last week and gained fat which I'm not happy about. Yes, I'm sure, I got measured last Monday. What's even more frustrating is that I'm not gaining any muscle so I have no idea why everything hurts so much. I have to admit I haven't been to the gym in over a week either. All I can manage is a bit of yoga at home and that's all. When I did go to get measured I just sat in the sauna for a bit and went home.

Something is happening though and it is taking up a lot of energy. My concentration is terrible and having a hard time getting anything done. Typing this is taking a lot longer then it should as well. Three cheers for the spelling checker. I'm really curious about what is happening inside of me. On the surface I don't see much happening. Maybe it's in my head, the change. A friend of mine asked if I noticed any difference in thinking. She was referring to the idea that women tend to have a wider horizon while men tend to focus on single goals more. Both valid strategies, just very different. And to be honest, I have been looking at things a bit differently lately. I have been thinking about long term goals a lot more and about the things that I do that do not contribute to those goals. By weeding those out I am making more space for my bigger goals. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I am purely thinking this way because of the testosterone. It might be helping, but it would be weird to say that that's the reason. I think the main reason why I am able to say to myself that yes, this really is what I want to aim for and yes, I can and will do it, is because I am turning into me. Until now I was constantly busy trying to be something I wasn't and trying to convince myself and the rest of the world that I was succeeding at that. This meant that trying to be a good girl came first before anything. It took up so much space there wasn't any room left for me. And now that burden has lifted and suddenly I don't have any excuses anymore to not pursue my dreams. And what is it that I want? I want to paint. It's as simple as that. But it's not all. I want my work to be in the frecking MoMa and the Tate and Booijmans. So yeah, that's kinda big. But lots of other people have managed it, so why not me? I'll never know if I can make it until I try.

Here's a little detail of one of the paintings I have been working on lately.

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