This is harder then I thought. I figured I'm fit and healthy and have everything pretty much sorted out. This whole transition thing should be a walk in the park. I couldn't have been more wrong.
I know I had already decided to quit teaching at the gym before my body flipped me the bird but being forced like this is very frustrating. It means I didn't get the change to say goodbye and close the chapter properly. Now it's still lingering in the back of my head. I'm finding it harder to let this go then I had expected. But maybe it's because right now I have to let go of a lot of things. Last weekend the Trans*-café had organized a clothing exchange. A lot of trans people find the need to change a huge chunk of their wardrobe all at once at some point so we figured this might help. I took 2 garbage bags full and came home with 2 shirts. I think that's a pretty good trade as I'm not 100% sure how I want to dress anyway. I just know how I don't want to dress; in a dress. As I was dragging those bags to the bar this feeling of emptiness came over me. I was closing a chapter, letting go, saying goodbye to a part of me that I wouldn't be getting back. And sure, I don't want it back. It was part of a mask that I wore for a long time. But it was also part of me. That's what happens when you wear a mask for so long. You get used to it and it becomes part of your identity. And now I'm having to let that part go. I'm not sure what I am getting in return. I thought I had figured myself out but I hadn't. I just figured out what I didn't want. Now I have to figure out what I do want. Saying I want to paint is great but that's not every day life. That's not what stares back at me in the mirror every day. That's not what fixes lunch, or walks through town, or talks to my friends. It's much more basic. It's the little things, and the little things are a lot harder then the big things.